Do you apologize?

I am sure there are moments when I should apologize & I don’t. Maybe because I didn’t think that I offended someone.

But as a general rule I do apologize. Sometimes I have to think the situation or moment over because I want to be

sincere in the apology. I don’t want it to be just words because it is expected.

I have an old friend that I’ve known for at least 70 years. There hasn’t been a time in my life where I remember meeting him.

We went to grade school through high school together. We still live close by & see each other once a year. In high school, we

were considered “partners in crime”. Recently I felt that I needed to make “amends” to him so I decided that the next time

we met, I would make a belated apology. We went to lunch one day & at the end of our meal, I said that I wanted to apologize

for something. It caught him by surprise. My feeling was that the trouble we got into in High School was because I asked him

to do something. If anyone asked the same question, he would of said no without thinking twice.

I’m sure there are some on this forum I should apologize to. I have a tendency to be impulsive & shot my mouth off. The older

I get the more aware I am that apologies need to be made. As I’ve said before, there are times I have to think it over first, before

the apology come. If there is anyone here that I’ve offended, I’m sorry.

My wife doesn’t apologize. I can be frank about things that happen that she is completely responsible for, and how they hurt me, and she never apologizes. The effect it has on me is to feel unloved. If someone can hurt you, be made aware of the hurt, but then not appear to have any consciousness about it, then to me, it symbolizes a lack of love in the relationship. But she has always been like this. When I ask for her reasoning on it I don’t get an answer I can quote back here. It is a kind of non-answer.

I don’t dwell on these things now (even thought it might seem like it due to this post). It just happens to be something I think about.

I had a bit of a falling out with someone in the community after she called volunteers from my non-profit (including me) “bystanders” in the work. We had actually done quite a lot for the event we were pursuing. Her statement hurt and made me lose resilience when the speeches mentioned everyone who helped with the event except my organization and the five volunteers within ear shot. We donated a lot — a system, parking equipment, a tent, parking direction, a chalk art artist, how to get 501 (c ) 3 status fast, a lead for a $1000 grant. And that’s all I remember. I am sure there was more.

When I raised the bystander comment, the whole thing was reframed as a conflict over the percent our organization would take from the surplus of the event. If all she had done was apologize for calling us bystanders, and acknowledged our significant contributions, I would not have had to pursue the percentage question.

I didn’t talk to this person for one full year — when in the past we spoke monthly or bi-weekly about many issues, some community related, some deeply personal. I initiated a meeting to repair things, and she wanted to simply catch up on the last year, and just remained silent when I brought up the bystander comment as the trigger for what she thought was a “nasty note” I wrote (email) explaining how we weren’t appreciated. It was as if she had never made the “bystander” comment. Her comments made it sound like it was all my fault that the relationship had deteriorated.

Hence my question of people who don’t apologize. Why don’t you? What runs through your mind when people raise issues that may have hurt them that you did, whether intentionally or now?

This came up in a marriage counseling session a while ago. The therapist asked my wife if she apologizes. He said some people don’t. I have seen this a few times in different people — they commit obvious wrongs, but then never apologize. Their version of repairing the relationship is to get back on a cordial, friendly relationship with the person, never addressing the wrong or any sorrow associated with it.

Getting back to a cordial relationship is not necessarily a bad thing, it depends on what that looks like in terms of actions after that incident and that person’s self-worth.

If I am ashamed of myself and not feeling of worth inside myself, I am more likely to try to hide mistakes under the rug. That is the same type of pattern I have seen in others.

I was wondering if I could ask this of the people here. Do you apologize? If not, why not? What goes through your mind when you wrong someone, recognize you made a mistake, and want to repair the relationship? Why don’t you apologize?

If you apologize, how important is it to you that others apologize to you when you are wronged by them?

I think that there are 2 parts of an apology that really matter:

1. Identification of action and the negative impact of that action on a person. NOTE: This ties into authority (who can make the referee call on the action), protocols (are these protocols established and effective enough), the amount of pain and loss directly resulting from the action(s) and how many people they directly impact.

2. The bid for connection – either party may be trying to use the apology as a starting point for re-connecting. When my husband and I fought, for many years the only way for us to fix it was for me to apologize first. Even if his apology-worthy action was more serious then mine, that ball did not start rolling until I apologized and started the conversation. Over the past few years, I have started not apologizing first to get it over with – the boundary I have set is looking at my conduct based on my personal ethics and deciding for myself if the situation merits an apology. It gets interesting because there are times that stretch for about 1/2 a day where my husband is upset and expecting an apology and I do not give one. I make it clear that I am happy to talk, but I am getting on with my life and not mad at him – just not smoothing things over because I didn’t do anything deserving that apology smoothing over.

My wife doesn’t apologize very much either. Even when she can make accusations & judgements that are very hurtful. She does have

some mental & emotional issues she’s dealing with. (That’s what I keep telling myself.) I’ve noticed that there are times when she tries

to make up for the hurtful remarks. She does that by doing a kind act, a faltering remark or buy a special gift. But never say: I’m sorry.

I would prefer the apology.

I also work in the service industry and get lots of complaints that are not necessarily my fault personally or even the fault of the company I work for (Perhaps another employee on a different shift made the mistake or perhaps the customer is inconvenienced by an area power outage or smoke in the air due to wildfires). I always listen and apologize. Sometimes that is all it takes.

Nicey-nicey just doesn’t cut it (cookies or not).

As someone who has cut all sugar out of my diet, I’m almost to the point where I’d take the cookies over the apology 😆

Just kidding. Nicey Nicey is too ambiguous for me. It could mean the person isn’t sorry at all for what they did, but want the goodies that come out of the restoration of the relationship. That’s no good in my view. The apology, coupled with right behavior (particularly behavior meant to restore trust) is where it’s at. Granted, I would hope I could get past the error and work with the person to the extent possible. Often this is very possible, often it is not if the offence is grievous.

I don’t have a problem with admitting that I made a mistake, even when I’m in a position of leadership. However, I have noticed there are certain personalities who “scoff” when you admit you made a mistake. For example, as a university professor demonstrating software I will sometimes make an error. I am very forgiving of myself because it’s often a lot of steps to memorize. And in real life, you often make mistakes while using Excel, Access, or other pieces of software as part of the “user experience”. You think nothing of it, correct the error and move on.

There is that one small percent of the student population that scoffs when this happens. I wonder if perhaps they are the ones who, if given a position of power, would hesitate to apologize given pride, ego, or fear they may lose something in their position power if they apologize.

For me, an apology from someone in power, particularly in a church position, only strengthens their position power — provided they don’t have to do it too often.

I think it’s possible to apologize too much. I was tutoring someone a couple weeks ago and she would apologize after every other sentence. I think she was lacking confidence in the subject material, and this was how she expressed that lack of confidence. So, one must be judicious in the use of apologies, in my view. But I believe they are sometimes essential for restoring trust in a relationship that has sufferred due to a wrong (perceived or actual) that you may have committed.

One thing that is also hollow, for me, is when someone who is not the perpetrator of the error apologizes. I had a Bishop who apologized for a mistake LDS Social Services made a long time ago. For some reason, that apology didn’t mean much to me because the Bishop isn’t the one who made the error.

There are times when we shouldn’t apologise. Good judgement is knowing when that isn’t appropriate.