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Ok. So my husband and I have struggled in our relationship the last year. With COVID, my depression got really bad and I had some major side effects from my meds (emotional blunting) that really affected our marriage. We fought, didn’t spend much time together, and I’m in school. Well.. I found out 2 months ago he cheated on me. (I found texts on his phone) I’m devastated, heartbroken…. We had many open conversations and he is remorseful, and apologizes often, and is trying to “win” me back. I found out he was on 2 dating sights to talk to people…. But only met one woman. Not a member. He slept with her 4 times in about a month and a half’s time. Because my husband has been cheated on by a past girlfriend, I was totally blind sided. He also admitted to porn use. Now, in one of our many conversations, I asked that he not talk to the bishop until we sorted some things out and became strong enough for whatever happens. I know he is remorseful. This was very out of character, and wasn’t him…. One of those perfect storms, ya know?
So we are healing, working on our relationship. We are both endowed and he is an Elder, and served a mission. I have requested that we don’t tell our families because I don’t want them to know for many reasons…. But the biggest being that it’s not their business and I don’t want judgment. But I know eventually he is going to need to talk with the bishop. I’m worried about it, but understand it’s part of his repentance.
My BIGGEST fear is this…. My uncle is the assistant ward clerk….. even if he doesn’t overhear exactly what my husband did, he’s gonna know somethings up. Then, I have another uncle is a stake high councilman.
😑 so he could totally find out, and although things are to stay private, I don’t want my family to know!So my question is this, can I (or husband) request for my uncles to not be involved in any of the councils that occur? If my husband is exed (I hate this thought, because I feel it’s a punishment for me as well) we will deal with it. But I don’t want family sitting in while he confesses his sins. He would do it, feels he deserves to be shunned from the church and my family. But I don’t want family involved. And as a “victim” of sorts I feel I should have a say.
But, I know that’s not how the church works and it depends on the bishop, and person. I just need feed back because my anxiety is through the roof about this.
First, welcome to the forum, and I’m sorry you are going through this. Second, we’re all amateurs here and you get what you pay for. What can you expect from free advice, right?
In the latest handbook updates high councilors are not necessarily (or generally) involved in disciplinary councils (or whatever the latest new name is for them). That will likely preclude that uncle unless the SP wants to include the HC for some reason. I think it’s OK to express that desire to the SP, but your mileage will vary (leadership roulette). The clerk is a more likely “leak.” An assistant clerk might be involved in the council if the clerk is not available, or he might just see stuff when in the system. You’re right, these things are confidential, and more so than in the past, but the info is still out there for those with the need to know.
Another 2 cents worth of free advice, and for what it’s worth, “excommunication” (a pile of manure is a pile of manure no matter what you call it) is less likely if the person is remorseful, has ended the affair, etc. That doesn’t mean there wouldn’t be some sort of limitation/discipline that others might become aware of.
apur2009, welcome to our group. I like what DJ said. The only other thing I would add is: – think about counseling. Either individually or couples counseling. I have family members have gone through counseling & believe
that it has helped them. My own
personalpreference would be to use someone outside the church. It can be difficult to live up the “gospel ideal”. (Whatever that is.)
Work on the issues you’re facing & leave the rest to God.
I wish you the very best on your journey.
Hello and welcome apur, DarkJedi wrote:
Another 2 cents worth of free advice, and for what it’s worth, “excommunication” (a pile of manure is a pile of manure no matter what you call it) is less likely if the person is remorseful, has ended the affair, etc. That doesn’t mean there wouldn’t be some sort of limitation/discipline that others might become aware of.
I just wanted to add my own half cent to this. I don’t think excommunication would be likely, especially when the person is repentant. Though, even being repentant isn’t always important depending on your bishop. In one ward I was in, a sister had cheated on her husband with someone else in the ward. After the affair was discovered, she and her new boyfriend would walk into sacrament meeting together holding hands, being very open about their relationship and the were the opposite of remorseful. To my knowledge, she never got so much as a slap on the wrist from local church leadership, let alone excommunicated. Of course, as with many things, it all depends on what you get with leadership roulette.
I think DarkJedi is also correct in that your uncle being an assistant ward clerk is likely the thing to worry about. Going directly to your SP with your concerns I think might be the best route to go IMO. Given both of your uncle’s callings, your SP may be understanding. Of course again, it all depends on leadership roulette.
But those are just my thoughts. They’re probably worth less than free, but such is what you’ll find on the internet.
I think MM makes a good point. From what you said, it doesn’t really appear that the church is the highest priority here – you and he are willing to wait to bring it to the attention of the “authorities.” What might be of more importance is your own relationship. I too would recommend professional counseling,and maybe not one who is a church member. Thank you everyone for your words! I really appreciate it!! I am very sorry for your pain. I do fully recommend counseling. I also have found great value in the courses, workshops, podcasts, etc of Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife
https://www.finlayson-fife.com/courses Healing after a betrayal is a process and having a “guide” in that process is invaluable.
I also feel like it could certainly complicate things unnecessarily going to the bishop at this point. Full disclosure, I usually do not see great value in taking things to the bishop as he is not trained in counseling nor really in a ministerial role. I feel that you both need to work on your selves and on your relationship. The church part can wait.
apur2009 wrote:
But I know eventually he is going to need to talk with the bishop. I’m worried about it, but understand it’s part of his repentance.
I honestly think of going into the bishop as more of a formality. However, I can imagine that some individuals find great value in getting some form of discipline and then feeling forgiven when the discipline is removed. I do take note that you use the word “eventually”. I imagine that if he must go to the bishop then going in later might be preferable. There is no penalty for delaying. In fact, I imagine that the more time that passes since the cheating would be more time for your husband to demonstrate that he has changed/repented. This in turn would likely cause less stringent and less public discipline. I do imagine that you might not want him to get his TR renewed until this issue is resolved – but until then I would say that you have some time.
apur2009 wrote:
He would do it, feels he deserves to be shunned from the church and my family. But I don’t want family involved.
If I cheated on my wife, even once, and her family found out, they would forever judge me negatively. I believe that I would forever feel their subtle disapproval at family gatherings as though I was a disappointment. I also feel that this shunning and shaming would push me more towards unhealthy coping mechanisms and escapism. It sounds like you live close to family. That can be challenging. I honestly would not tell family unless you were ready to end the marriage and needed their support in getting out.While all of this is going on, I want to remind you not to neglect your own mental health. You mentioned going through depression. Do you have a counselor? Is there someone that you could talk to/lean on/confide in that can be trusted to keep it confidential?
But for the grace of God go I. Any one of us, in a certain situation, under certain variables, can behave in ways outside our normal behavior.
Affairs, imo, have complex roots that involve multiple variables.
It sounds like you’ve started the process of forgiveness and he’s started repentance, but as you say you “caught” him, so it’s hard to say if he would have stopped on his own. Also, when depression raises its ugly head again and he feels alone will he again tend to find comfort, attention, and passion with someone else? Tough questions and the vast vast vast majority of bishops are not equipped to help with this. They have the desire and may even have the confidence, but not the training. He may be able to help to assuage your husband’s guilt, by restricting his church participation, but bishops are not typically equipped to even ask the right questions. Counseling is crucial.
But that wasn’t your question. I’m of the opinion that little good can be had in talking to the bishop too soon in this situation. Work things out between the two of you, with the help of counseling. When/if you go to the bishop, much of the real work has been going on a while. He (the bishop) will be appreciative. You can even tell the bishop that hubby wanted to come in right away but you insisted he wait, and as the victim in this scenario you felt you had the right to request this. Your husband can restrict himself the sacrament if he wants– whatever he feels he needs. I also, based on my experience in bishoprics, don’t think this is a case of excommunication in 2021. I would be very very surprised if he was exed over this. Disfellowshipped, maybe.
So, since excom is probably off the table, the uncle HC would not be involved. Ward clerk, however… he’s gonna know. I agree that this is the biggest threat to family leak.
Appealing to the bishop not to tell uncle clerk may or may not be effective. IF there is no formal restriction (ex or diss) the clerk need not be involved. Greater chance of no formal restriction if you wait.
As others have stated, this is two cent advice, but you asked for it.
Question for you is how long married and do you have kids?
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