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Today I decided to attend church for the first time since March 2020. I’m not really a believer anymore, and I was convinced that I was done with the church forever. However, after leaving BYU and moving across the country to Florida, I’ve been finding myself quite lonely. I thought maybe I should give church a try just because I have no idea how else to meet people. First, the good:
Today was the ward’s Christmas program, and it was pretty well done. Fairly simple and traditional, just sticking to the Christmas story and the typical songs. Even though my grouchy side wanted to be all “bah, humbug” I actually enjoyed it.
Then the bad:
Sunday school was not as good. The lesson was on the Family Proclamation, so of course it devolved into people talking about how “the world” is trying to destroy the family and take children away to be raised by the state instead of by parents (Apparently that was in Plato’s
Republic? But Plato’s been dead for a really long time so I’m not sure why that was relevant). There were quite a few crazy things said and I was glad I had a mask on to hide my expression of amused disbelief at what I was hearing. At one point some middle-aged man said “Women build society. You want to know why America is doing so bad? Look at the mothers!” which sounded more than a little sexist. I did notice a couple of the women exchanging glances as he said that. Then at the end the teacher remembered he was supposed to tie the lesson into Christmas and just said families are a gift. I just wish the lesson about families had more talk about love and a little less talk of Satan’s sinister plots or whatever. Aside from that, I was also a bit surprised at this ward’s lack of missionary mindset. I assumed someone would notice me as the new person with no tie and long hair sitting in the back and try to “fellowship” me, but nobody did, not even the missionaries. To be fair, normally I do prefer to be left alone but this time I could have actually used some fellowshipping.
All in all, I’m still pretty conflicted about the church. I don’t believe any of the doctrine, but my values and lifestyle are still very Mormon. I’ve tried to meet people outside of church but it seems the most popular activities here for people my age are things like drinking and clubbing, which I have no interest in. And I do kind of like the family ideal of settling down, getting married, and having kids. Though I’m not sure I’ll find that in the church as a nonbeliever.
I guess I should probably go at least a couple more times and make an effort to meet some people. But I’m not really sure how it will work out, or how to navigate life now that I’m living alone and thousands of miles away from any family or friends. How does one re-engage with church after leaving for a while and undergoing a complete change of belief? I feel like I still have one foot in the church and one foot out, which makes it hard to find a place where I belong.
Since I’ve been going back to Church, I have used the philosophy of: “take what you can use & leave the rest”. If it gets too bad for me, I get up & go into the hallway. Or, talk with my friends or read on my own.
I’m sure there are other things we can do too. Good Luck.
Arrakeen wrote:
Today I decided to attend church for the first time since March 2020. I’m not really a believer anymore, and I was convinced that I was done with the church forever. However, after leaving BYU and moving across the country to Florida,I’ve been finding myself quite lonely. I thought maybe I should give church a try just because I have no idea how else to meet people.
Underlining mine. If meeting people is your stated goal then going to a family ward as a non-believing YSA seems like a very inefficient use of your time.
Is there some sort of a YSA ward or at least stake YSA activities periodically?
I think I might shop around to different (non-LDS) churches to try to find one with a program for people in your age group (not to get married but rather just for fellowship). I find that lots of other churches are much less dogmatic than we are on lots and lots of stuff (which helps if you are non-believing). Also the professional sermons can be a nice change of pace from what you have grown accustomed.
There is nothing that says you cannot go to more than one church. For those LDS that ask me how I align my practice with my covenants, I tell them that I “attend” the LDS church but I participate in several churches. For non-LDS people that ask me about it, I tell them that the LDS church is my “home church” but that I enjoy supplementing my spirituality. This will mark you as non-traditional among LDS circles but I think that is something that you would want to be honest and upfront about.
I also suggest looking up hobbies/activity based clubs and associations. Do you like to go on hikes or riding bikes? Playing board games? There are probably clubs that you can find that share these passions and pastimes.
The nearest YSA ward is about an hour away. I’m sure there are activities, but I don’t have a good way of getting information about them. Right now I’m planning to attend the family ward until I can figure out what kinds of YSA-oriented things there are in the stake. I’ve thought about other churches, though in spite of all the things I dislike about the LDS church, it is at least very familiar and I know how things work. How do you even find other churches? Just walk in to one you see driving past? Read Yelp reviews? I’ve never really been to another church before.
I’ve been looking at meetups for various hobbies, but there’s not much near me. There’s not a lot of young people around here, most activities and groups are ages 50+.
Arrakeen wrote:
The nearest YSA ward is about an hour away. I’m sure there are activities, but I don’t have a good way of getting information about them. Right now I’m planning to attend the family ward until I can figure out what kinds of YSA-oriented things there are in the stake.
Yes, I have observed that we LDS seem to make it hard for people that are not actively attending LDS church services to know about our activities. My own ward cuts out the sacrament meeting feed right before the bishop goes over the announcements. I have wondered if that is yet another “carrot” to get people to come to live church meetings to hear the announcements.If this is your plan then I would be proactive about it. “Hi! My name is Arrakeen. I just moved here after graduating from BYU. Can you help me out getting connected to the YSA program?”
Arrakeen wrote:
I’ve thought about other churches, though in spite of all the things I dislike about the LDS church, it is at least very familiar and I know how things work. How do you even find other churches? Just walk in to one you see driving past? Read Yelp reviews? I’ve never really been to another church before.
I suppose that is a good question. I have found that some churches will have websites that give calendar’s of events. You could save time by visiting the websites of local churches in your area and then narrowing it down to a few top contenders to check out physically.
Arrakeen wrote:
I’ve been looking at meetups for various hobbies, but there’s not much near me. There’s not a lot of young people around here, most activities and groups are ages 50+.
While I understand that it would be ideal to hang with people your own age, it might still be worthwhile to join a group or club with older members.I was talking with my 14 year old son recently about feelings of connection and support structures. I was saying that there is value in both quantity and quality. Not everyone is “best friend” material and that is ok. Maybe the friendship is limited but that does not mean that it isn’t worth developing/preserving. I see it as “diversifying” my support network.
I had tried to reply to this yesterday but my post ended up in cyberspace (yes, it happens to us too, and I didn’t do the copy thing I often do). But I think what I was saying has been mostly covered by MM & Roy. I’d probably do as it seems you are planning and give the ward another few chances. I have been to wards that are not very welcoming and I have been to wards that take a bit to warm up to new people (and I’ve been to some that are almost too welcoming). Have you met with the bishop? I know that can be fraught with landmines, but it might not be and he may have some insight into what’s happening for younger people in the stake/area. My ward is older as well, but I’d still talk to you probably picking up on the clues that you’re not the white shirt and tie type. As to church, I pretty much do as MM does. I try to distract myself and sometimes I do leave (I actually sit near the door on purpose). Honestly lately I haven’t been going at all but when I was a few months back I was leaving after SM – but that doesn’t help you meet people.
Roy wrote:
Not everyone is “best friend” material and that is ok. Maybe the friendship is limited but that does not mean that it isn’t worth developing/preserving. I see it as “diversifying” my support network.
I like this a lot. Well said. It’s very wise advice.
I think we should go to church when we miss it (for any reasons, including social connections or career networking or basketball or anything we want to come from it…even service and spirituality).
And we should not go when it’s not working for us.
Why you stopped going is very important because it will still haunt you going back unless you resolve the issue. How you chose to resolve it is up to you. But one thing I do know is that leaving anything because people let you down isn’t a reason to change your religious activity. Churches are full of human beings. Human beings aren’t perfect. In fact, IMO no religious group is perfect because they’re all filled with imperfect people. There was only one who was perfect on this earth and that’s Jesus.
So, today I tried going back to church yet again. This time was quite a bit better, an older lady actually came over and introduced herself, then took me to meet a couple YSAs in the ward (turns out there is actually a very small group of local YSA). I went and introduced myself to the bishop and he added me to a contact list for YSA activities in the stake. I even agreed to have my church records transferred here, so I guess I am “officially” giving church another shot. We’ll see how it goes. I’m still an atheist in terms of belief, but I’ve been trying lots of things to meet people in the area lately and have failed. So at least for now I’m going to try church just to get some sort of social life. I think at this point I am confident in my beliefs (or lack thereof) and in my own ability to set the necessary boundaries, and I really don’t have anything to lose if it doesn’t work out either. I can always just leave again if I don’t like it. But right now what I need most is a way to meet other human beings, and the church provides that.
Good for you! I remember once that I didn’t want to go to a YSA activity because I was new to the area and didn’t know anyone. I would have preferred to stay home and play my video games.
I remember forcing myself to go because the only way to get to know people was to go and “break the ice.”
LDS groups can be somewhat insular but you are already an insider. You speak fluent Mormonese and can fit in reasonably well.
One of the nice things about the church is that pretty much wherever you go (at least in North America) you have a ready made social group for the taking. Yeah, you may not totally fit and there might not be any soul mates in a particular ward (and some wards are way more open and friendly than others) but the tribe is there and you pretty much know what to expect. It is interesting to generally sit back & observe church & the membership that attends. For example, our Sunday school class this week was taught by our Bishop. The title of the lesson was:
“Temple Covenants”. Our Bishop is a good decent likeable man. He tries his best in all things.
When he got to the Endowment, he asked for everyone’s opinion about their experience going through the
Temple for the first time.
Everyone that answered said things like, peaceful, inspiring, comforting, etc. Finally, I raised my hand and
said:
Quote:I found it to be very overpowering. Everything went over my head. I didn’t understand much about
what was happening.
I then added that at the time, we had a very good Bishop that prepared us for
that reaction. I then added that the more I go to the Temple, the more I try to learn & grow from the
experience. I tried to be as diplomatic as possible. (Sometimes I’m successful, sometimes not so much.)
I could tell by the reactions that followed, that my remarks made some people very nervous. Two or three quickly
raised their hands & said that is why we need to go to the temple often. The more we go, the more we understand
and the more we can apply the teachings we receive in the endowment. This was the point, I thought, that I was
trying to make.
I hope that I am not off topic. It is interesting to me to observe the reactions of members when you go off script.
Not everything we teach, do or experience in the church is happiness & flowers.
Thank you for having the courage to go off script. I’d enjoy our meetings a lot more if we did that more often. I’m also giving church another shot, finally returning after being away due to covid. Time will tell how it goes.
nibbler wrote:
I’m also giving church another shot, finally returning after being away due to covid. Time will tell how it goes.
Keep us informed how it goes. Good luck & God Bless.
The saga continues…. This whole going back to church thing is not working for me. Last Sunday’s lesson on missions brought back a lot of trauma and tore open wounds that I had spent years healing from. I’m just not sure church is really safe for me anymore.
I ended up having a meeting with my bishop and stake president after church about it, explaining why my mission was so horrible. They offered the usual “God loves you,” “the Atonement can help,” “Keep trying” kind of advice. They even suggested that perhaps the reason I had recently come back to church was some sort of spiritual longing or something (I had told them quite frankly that the only reason I had come back was to have community and try to make friends). I told them I couldn’t find much comfort in their words because I do not believe in God.
Unfortunately, I’m worried that the bishop has seen this as an opportunity to rescue a lost sheep, and he has scheduled a meeting with me next Sunday. I fear he may have interpreted my moment of emotional vulnerability as a desire to get spiritual help and seek answers to my questions.
How can I be direct and to-the-point without being too harsh? I want to get across that I am just not interested in regaining my testimony, that I am happy with where I have landed spiritually (as an atheist). I am happy to attend social gatherings or service projects, but for my own well-being I feel it is necessary to once again step back from regular church attendance.
I guess I just struggle to be quite that direct to someone’s face, especially if it seems I may have unintentionally misled them into thinking I was willing to come back to the fold.
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