Role of the Husband/Father

Many years ago, my family and I were on a road trip and listening to some church talks that we had recorded on cassette. The speaker talked with pride about the fact that he had never changed a diaper for his many children. He justified this by imagining that in the celestial kingdom, diaper changing will be exclusively the job of the servant class and he was practicing for a much more exalted station.

Cringe. As the people that don’t know what cassettes are would say.

Believing that there’s a servant class in heaven to do the tasks that exalted beings feel are beneath them must represent the dead opposite of preparing for a celestial kingdom.

But he that is greatest among you shall be your servant. And whosoever shall exalt himself shall be abased; and he that shall humble himself shall be exalted.

I believe that statement applies equally to god and us little people.

I also agree the diaper changing fathers won out overall, but I still think there are a few of the old school types around and there are also some “tweeners.”

I think the depicted attitude of some of the men in the Under the Banner of Heaven series is mostly on the extreme side, but I also think that kind of attitude was more prevalent in the 60s/70s/80s church. The husband/father goes off and provides for the family and the priesthood authority has the final say by virtue of the priesthood. The wife/mother’s job is to stay home and be taken care of, raise the children, and do all the housework. I think there are remnants of that type thinking in the church today and not just in Utah or rural Idaho. I can think of a couple examples in my own ward, one that I know fairly well – I doubt he changed a diaper on any of his six children (two marriages, 4 children from the current), and he more or less brags about how his wife doesn’t have to work but also says on the side that he does no housework because that’s her job.

My children are grown and gone, but I always saw my role as nurturing and providing as well – it was a team effort, there was no her job or my job. I can kiss boo-boos too, and I didn’t shy away from changing diapers (I can prove that because I know where to stand when changing a boy’s diaper ).

I suppose my version of Heavenly Father is one I imagine would change a diaper (although there would seem to be no need to do so for a spirit baby). I’m sure others have made this distinction, but I got this from Terryl Givens: there are two Gods, the reigning and sometimes vengeful King-God who we are here to serve, and the loving merciful Father-God who serves us. Our doctrine is really tilted toward the latter, but there are many who can’t get past the other one. FWIW, this is what All Things New is all about.

My father never changed a diaper (that I recall) and there were numerous children in our family. Because there were nine of us and my sister and I were the oldest, we often changed diapers. So when I started having my own kids, it was really no big deal. As I said to my wife, “I’ve been doing this for years.” I have a son-in-law who is very uncomfortable with tiny babies but he tries hard to do his part (which includes changing diapers). So I would agree that roles are changing.

I remember a conference talk by Elder D. Todd Chrisofferson entitled “Let Us Be Men.” He told how his mother had some health problems that made ironing for their large family difficult. His father went out and bought an ironing machine to help her.

On the way home, my mother was upset: “How can we afford it? Where did the money come from? How will we get along now?” Finally Dad told her that he had gone without lunches for nearly a year to save enough money. “Now when you iron,” he said, “you won’t have to stop and go into the bedroom and cry until the pain in your arm stops.” She didn’t know he knew about that. I was not aware of my father’s sacrifice and act of love for my mother at the time, but now that I know, I say to myself, “There is a man.”

When I heard the talk, I remember saying to myself “Yes, there is a man….from the 1950s.” It’s not that it wasn’t kind of him to buy the machine and the sacrifice he made should not be dismissed. I’m sure he was a very hard-working man. But I doubt it would have even occurred to him to do some of the ironing himself (or get one of the five sons mentioned to help). Also one of the implications is that Elder Christofferson’s mother suffered with this for a year before they had the money to buy the machine. Now maybe it wasn’t practical to do that at that time but the story left me feeling just slightly uneasy. For me, it didn’t jive very well with our modern notion of fatherhood and manhood.

I was born in the 1940’s. Raised in 1950 – 1960’s. My Father was not in the church.

I would bet the “farm” that he never changed a diaper. My Mother didn’t work

outside of the home. Her family was everything to her. And as their children, we knew it

& felt it. The point I’m trying to make is that roles of parents have

changed over the years. I believe that because of the roles they assumed, I

was closer to my Mother then my Father.

I’m proud to say, I have changed my children’s diapers. I also believe that I have a

closer relationship with my children than I ever did with my Father. It doesn’t

mean that I didn’t love my Father. It means that we had a different relationship.

Life & our relationships with friends & family are very interesting.

I never thought that our roles would change as much as they have over time.

I agree with MM in that gender roles were definitely culturally different pre- sexual revolution and pre- equal rights. I was raised by my grandparents. Grandpa was born at at the turn of the last century and raised on a farm as the oldest boy of 10 children. My grandparents had four children of their own, and Grandpa worked blue collar jobs often entailing hard manual labor (construction and foundry work). Raising children and all house work was women’s work. In the rare case Grandma was sick and unable to prepare a meal he cooked the only thing he know how to cook – scrambled eggs and toast. If he knew how to cook anything else I never saw him do it. He was not one to hold his grandchildren, and not the kind of Grandpa whose lap grandkids went to sit on (honestly I’m not even sure he knew all their names). I cannot imagine he ever touched a diaper or gave a bottle.

Point being, for at least the first half of the last century men did man work and women did woman work and that was all part of the culture and social acceptance. I appreciate that social revolutions that have changed this for my generation and even more so for subsequent generations.

(Side note: Remember the movie Mr. Mom with Michael Keaton and Teri Garr? Funny movie, but some of the humor is lost on my children because of the change in social norms. We actually had a stay at home dad in our ward for a while.)

It is my observation that when ever we talk about gender roles that we attempt to try to solve everybody’s issues based on our own ideas. Let me explain. I believe that genders are intended to be complementary, especially in procreation of human life. But procreation of human life and family relationships are not the end of how roles require the genders to figure out how to work together.

I understand this point of view and I agree with it (in that partnerships should be complementary how they get basic social/adulting tasks done).

Obviously, there are some contributions that cannot yield to social norms and a great many others that can. It is my personal belief that it is (or should be) up to a husband and wife to figure out this together.

I believe that the worse problems arise when outside influences determine how any particular husband and wife ought to divide their talents – especially when individual talents are not being considered. If a husband and wife are happy and satisfied with their individual contributions to each other and their children; it is not (in my mind) a great idea for anyone else to find it necessary to change it or give any advice to change it. Why should anyone else (other than a husband and wife) be dictating who or if one is more responsible than the other concerning the changing of diapers?

In theory, this works. Some adulting tasks can be shifted, some can’t. Some adulting tasks should be shifted, some shouldn’t be.

The problem starts when partners don’t/can’t/won’t “figure it out together” and/or don’t follow through with their assignment(s). This usually happens due to illness/disability, trauma, family culture, extreme self-reliance, control issues, or just not motivated to show up due to human nature. There are entire library sections of books/media about this topic (and related topics) – from self-help,how-to’s, psychology, philosophy, etc.

I think that the default expectation should be that partners will not always been happy and satisfied with the arrangements for talent/resource allocation throughout the entire course of their relationship. I think the default expectation should include mentoring and other resources from 3rd parties. Whether it’s the medical systems, the judicial systems, the educational systems, counselors, pastors/ministers, parental figures/mentors or a combination of the above – 3rd parties get involved and have default expectations (mostly from their roles). The mileage on proposed changes and advice given by 3rd parties varies drastically and depends on a variety of factors both inside and outside the relationship – including the culture it operates in that defines the degree of intrusion, general expectations, and degree of adaptability. Quality important is the level of trust placed in the 3rd party from BOTH partners – and that is a new wrinkle too.

The biggest problem that the gender roles is trying to solve is minimizing when partners don’t show up by teaching them and enforcing the teaching of gender and tying it to personal identity. By saying a “good father” or a “good mother” does this task, a drive to be that “good father” or that “good mother” is created that does get things done.

It also functions as throwing the baby out with the bath water as there is a shift to “a good person” does this (and thus decreases the personal gender tie-in). And identity matters. Entire cultural, familial and individual concepts of “self” depend on identity. The transfer of power between individuals was created around “gender” and rights/responsibilities/rules/privileges and traditions assigned to either 1 gender or the other. Not everyone is in favor of decoupling gender from all that – and there cannot be an absolute decoupling of gender and responsibility until internal uteruses are no longer needed to populate the human species.

If [When] this problem [defining and assigning household responsibilities] cannot be resolved by parents with the children that need such assistance, it [the process of defining and assigning household responsibilities] will become much worse when parents age and become in need of such assistance. Sometimes necessity teaches us more than we want to learn.

If I updated the sentence above correctly, I more cynically think that when the problem cannot be resolved by parents [in which children is optional], it does get solved by 1 partner emotionally checking out and/or an actual divorce (or more than 1 divorce) before the parents age enough to require the level of assistance that a child does.

I thought I would bring this one up again. It’s a couple years old.

I found it interesting. Thanks Roy.

Happy Father’s Day!