In Search of Closure

Hi Arrakeen,

I am going to apply my own experiences because that is what I have to draw from.

1) “A part of me died on the mission” I often divide my life into the the time before my daughter and third child’s stillbirth and the time after. In a way, I feel that this is a tribute to my daughter that our brief time with her affected me so much. It is also true that the grieving process and the collapse of my assumptive world is what changed me.

2) “I would have to accept that I was a completely new person and move on.” I don’t know that I would frame it that way. When I went through my assumptive world collapse it felt like a hard reboot. There seemed to be reboot protocols that were stored deeper inside me than my waking consciousness. Perhaps you can be Arrakeen 2.0, not a new person but rather the old person that went through some transformative experiences. I also do not very much like the term “move on.” I think my ward church leaders would like for me to “move on” from the death of my daughter and return to more full activity. In that regard they want me to “Move on” by going back to my old self. My advice is to not try to change the way that you feel. Accept that it is a part of you and be kind to yourself.

3) “I tell myself I no longer care for the religion, yet I seek out news about all the happenings within the church. My anger at the church has cooled, but not gone away. The wounds from my mission no longer sting, but still ache.” I don’t know if it is realistic to completely move on. You carry your experiences around with you and sometimes something triggers a memory and it might come more to the surface for a while. This is normal and should be expected. When learning about the steps of the grieving process, I was very determined to do each step “correctly” so as not to need to repeat anything. I wanted my progress to be linear. Some of the other grieving parents from our support group helped me to see that grief and recovery is not a formula and progress is not linear. Maybe you will always feel like part of the Mormon tribe or maybe your time in the LDS church will come to seem like a different lifetime ago. Both are completely normal and ok.

4)

Lately I have been thinking about what I need to do to get closure. Perhaps I need to take an extended break not only from church attendance, but from any church-related news or online content. Maybe I need to visit the country where I served, walk those streets once more, and bury the bad memories there. Or maybe I need to take more extreme measures and formally leave the church, marking a final end to that chapter of my life.

Is it possible to find true closure for a faith journey, or is it a futile search because you never really know if you’ve reached the destination? How do I reconcile who I was before my faith crisis with who I am after, moving on towards the future without erasing the past? How do I know if it is still worth trying to “StayLDS”, or if doing so is holding me back?

Great questions! I think that you can do whatever you might need and that might be meaningful to you. People do things all the time to mark waypoints in the journey. We do baptisms, weddings, funerals etc. I am reading the book “Wild” about a lady that hiked the Pacific Coast Trail in order to break herself out from the destructive tailspin that she was in but also to mark and differentiate the old Cheryl from the new. You might say that she was reborn on the trail while also being the same person. She became Cheryl 2.0. FYI She also chose a new last name for herself and that also seems to be symbolic of her transformation.

The past will always be there. I think a big question is whether or not you are able to function and succeed in the life goals that you might set for yourself. If something is “holding you back” and keeping you from working towards your goals, then something needs to be done. As long as you are able to live the life that you want to live then maybe it is expecting too much of yourself to be completely ambivalent towards church matters.

None of this is easy. It is hard work, but a far different type of work. It is a process that must be lived through. Good luck friend.

Here is a template that I use for recording progress during EMDR therapy. This is based on the book I quoted in my last entry in this thread. You write something in each of the categories below, stopping at the Stimulation sections while you do the bilateral stimulation and contemplation. Then you come back and write what you thought about during those stimulation sessions. I do the entire template all at once.

For the simulation section, after each 30-second to 3-minute bit of stimulation, you write what thoughts came to you automatically. You also indicate the disturbance level you feel (mental stress, anxiety, any unpleasant emotional or physical feeling) on a scale of 1 to 7 and also rate the extent to which you believe the new cognitive belief you tried to install. After you believe the new belief about the situation you’re in, you do a scan of your body (mentally) and write down how much disturbance you feel. I say disturbance because the feelings EMDR therapy addresses can range from anxiety to lack of peace, to obsessing about something, to ruminating or over-analyzing, you name it – anything that seems unresolved or that bothers you.

It is strange, but somehow, the bilateral stimulation puts your brain in such a place you start thinking positive, constructive thoughts about the experience that is disturbing you. Afterward, it’s like the situation has been processed so you don’t need to think about it again. For all of my disturbances, only one required a booster session and that was because the situation was oft provoked by goings on in my family. All the other disturbing thoughts were processed and put to bed through the therapy. It’s a great way to stop obsessing about or letting something bother you continually.

Here is the template I use.

A. The Issue

B. Foundation of the Problem

C. The Picture of the Target Event

Disturbance Level: 0/10

D. The Associated Negative Belief

E. The Alternate Positive Belief for Installation

Belief Strength: 0/7

F. Thoughts During Bilateral Stimulation

a) Stimulation 1 (30 seconds to 3 minutes)

Disturbance Level: /10

G. Positive Cognition Installation (30 second burst)

Belief Strength: /7

H. Body Scan [sense how much anxiety or disturbance you are feeling. If it’s zero, then stop.]

Disturbance Level: /10

Here is a template that I use for recording progress during EMDR therapy. This is based on the book I quoted in my last entry in this thread. You write something in each of the categories below, stopping at the Stimulation sections while you do the bilateral stimulation and contemplation. Then you come back and write what you thought about during those stimulation sessions. I do the entire template all at once.

For the simulation section, after each 30-second to 3-minute bit of stimulation, you write what thoughts came to you automatically. You also indicate the disturbance level you feel (mental stress, anxiety, any unpleasant emotional or physical feeling) on a scale of 1 to 7 and also rate the extent to which you believe the new cognitive belief you tried to install. After you believe the new belief about the situation you’re in, you do a scan of your body (mentally) and write down how much disturbance you feel. I say disturbance because the feelings EMDR therapy addresses can range from anxiety to lack of peace, to obsessing about something, to ruminating or over-analyzing, you name it – anything that seems unresolved or that bothers you.

It is strange, but somehow, the bilateral stimulation puts your brain in such a place you start thinking positive, constructive thoughts about the experience that is disturbing you. Afterward, it’s like the situation has been processed so you don’t need to think about it again. For all of my disturbances, only one required a booster session and that was because the situation was oft provoked by goings on in my family. All the other disturbing thoughts were processed and put to bed through the therapy. It’s a great way to stop obsessing about or letting something bother you continually.

Here is the template I use.

A. The Issue

B. Foundation of the Problem

C. The Picture of the Target Event

Disturbance Level: 0/10

D. The Associated Negative Belief

E. The Alternate Positive Belief for Installation

Belief Strength: 0/7

F. Thoughts During Bilateral Stimulation

a) Stimulation 1 (30 seconds to 3 minutes)

Disturbance Level: /10

G. Positive Cognition Installation (30 second burst)

Belief Strength: /7

H. Body Scan [sense how much anxiety or disturbance you are feeling. If it’s zero, then stop.]

Disturbance Level: /10

I am happy that you have found a therapy that works for you. If someone needs therapy they need to find the therapist and method that works for them.

I am happy that you have found a therapy that works for you. If someone needs therapy they need to find the therapist and method that works for them.

I wasn’t suggesting anything other than that, but you have to know about the therapy to consider it. That was why I gave 3 different approaches to the problem/questions posed by the OP.

I wasn’t suggesting anything other than that, but you have to know about the therapy to consider it. That was why I gave 3 different approaches to the problem/questions posed by the OP.

Right, I believe that most people could receive some help from therapy. We do not prescribe anything but we do share what has worked for us. Mileage may vary for others.

:thumbup:

I find that I really want some sort of closure for the experience. Some kind of conclusion, some lesson learned, a turning point to set me on the path towards my future. But I find myself still stuck endlessly revisiting the past.

One of the things that I have found helpful is asking myself, “What am I looking for from the this past/this experience?”

Just sitting with the question 90 seconds here, 5 minutes there (pen and paper or equivalent in hand) or more as needed/available.

Usually what I was looking for involved messages about myself (and about how I should see myself), the “role” I see for myself, expectations, and random emotional fuzz.

Is it possible to find true closure for a faith journey, or is it a futile search because you never really know if you’ve reached the destination? How do I reconcile who I was before my faith crisis with who I am after, moving on towards the future without erasing the past? How do I know if it is still worth trying to “StayLDS”, or if doing so is holding me back?

A) I view my faith transition as “chapters” – and eventually I wind up in a different chapter then I was. Parts of the “book” are closed now – I have “made a tentative peace” with some aspects. For the most part, the “crisis of faith” is settled – pretty much everything that was going to fall apart has fallen apart testimony-wise. A lot of the anger and pain has settled down.

I haven’t reconciled who I was before and whom I am now. All I can do is state, “This is what I knew then – and what I did about it. This is what I know now – and what I do about it”. All of us have to choose how to honor our past, our roots while going forward into the future.

C) This site involvement – it’s a time/energy calculation on whether it is worth it to you or not (and to the degree thereof). Degree of involvement in the church – and in any church/activity is a massive calculation with a lot of variables. I’m good with showing up for limited activities at church (R.S. Christmas Party and Halloween Trunk or Treat) – and bringing something so I am not a free-loader. I have kept ties with 2 individuals from the church community as my personal friends – where I stand religious-wise comes up in conversation, but all boundaries are respected. And it only comes up because I am the granddaughter of a philosopher – so philosophy/ethics/values are important conversations to me (and their background is church-based instruction on philosophy/ethics/values).

D) Robert Fulghum. Anything by him is helpful for living a better life (including making decisions about church).

Oh no! Dang it. I was attempting to quote your post and I edited it instead. I am sorry. 😥

That’s OK, mistakes happen. Fortunately I’m not like Darth Vader (“You have failed me for the last time”).

Basically I had espoused the idea of radical acceptance that things change and we change and that 20 years on I still have things that pop up, sometimes unexpectedly, and it’s OK to have those feelings. It is hard to leave one’s culture/tribe, especially without a suitable replacement culture/tribe. Keep what you like, discard the rest (also not as easy at it sounds).

In response to the final questions I had said that closure is difficult because we’re not there yet. And I quoted Darth Vader (You didn’t kill Anakin Skywalker. I did.). And the only one who can answer whether to StayLDS is you.