Maybe it’s just time to hang it up

Sometimes leaving the church, formally or informally, is the best thing for an individual. Similar to marriage in that respect – sometimes a relationship can be saved and sometimes it can’t.

May you find the peace you seek.

Sometimes leaving the church, formally or informally, is the best thing for an individual. Similar to marriage in that respect – sometimes a relationship can be saved and sometimes it can’t.

May you find the peace you seek.

It just seems the writing is on the wall. I have 2 years left in a ysa ward and it’s on to a SA ward or a family ward. Being single in the church sucks and often I feel like garbage most of the time because of it.

I’ve tried. Maybe I could have tried better. But it just seems the church doesn’t care about someone like me. Single, and an outsider. And no matter what I do it’ll always stick with me for life.

And I know for a fact I’ll always be single. Lds girls just aren’t into a guy like me with the baggage I have. I’m too shy, and I lack confidence. Oh and even worse I struggle with pornography. No matter what I try and I can’t shake it from my life. No girl wants that kind of baggage. I’m not even endowed either. And not like my luck would change with dating outside the church either.

It sounds like an opportunity to diversify where you spend your energies (in terms of hobbies/activities you participate in and groups you join).

The church culture isn’t likely to change fast enough (if at all) to do you any favors and it is wise of you to recognize that.

I wouldn’t be so hasty to make the assumption “I know for a fact that I’ll always be single”. Maybe/Maybe not.

I think that the biggest factor in this singleness is whether you see it as a death sentence you are carrying out or a current circumstance. Maybe going to YSA wards and looking for an LDS girl is the wall you need to keep hitting your head against, maybe not. Maybe it’s a “work to meet and connect with girls both and inside and out the church” thing.

What would happen if you changed the narrative in your mind about yourself from “single, outsider, inferior, shy, confidence-less, addiction-riddled individual for life” to something else?

I can pick out “thoughtful, honest, introspective, non-conformist individual who works at holding themselves accountable for their choices” from the same descriptive words you used (and that is based on the fact that a) you are on this portal, b) life experiences with people in general, and c) the descriptions you provided about you and your history).

Hi friend,

One of the axioms that we have used on this site in the past is to “trade up.” For example, when someone is contemplating not attending church it might be a trade up to go on a hike in nature, or to work on a project that you have been putting off, or spend quality time with someone important to you.

In your particular case, you seem to be making an effort to be social through regular church channels. If you are going to stop those efforts then I would advise you to replace them with other social pursuits. Most of us as humans need socialization to some degree and I would hate to see yourself closed off from such experiences.

As far as being single, I would open my horizons to non-LDS women. Is there any reason that you would not consider a non-member? You mentioned that your “luck” would not change dating outside the church. That might be so. If I were in your shoes, I think that I would open myself up to as many different opportunities and possibilities as I could.

Pornography. I am willing to go out on a limb and say that you use this as a coping mechanism and for a feeling of self validation. The mechanics are not all that dissimilar to stress eating. I don’t suggest that this would magically go away if you were in a sexual relationship because it is how you have grown accustomed to dealing with stress. However, I do hope to provide some context to help you understand that this makes you a normal person with a normal amount of baggage.

“You miss 100% of the shots that you don’t take.” I think this very much applies to relationships. Dating and rejection can really sting. Keep trying.

“Axiom”. It appears I have learned a new word today. haha

I am trying to be social within my peers in the church. But for some reason there is a mental block preventing me from doing so. I try to attend Home Evening with my YSA ward. However often times the activitiy is uninteresting causing me to go off and hang out in the lobby, waiting for the clock to run out. I am incredibly shy. However that does not prevent me from having a conversation with someone. But I think a lot of it may be related to shielding myself from being hurt like I have been in the past. My two goals seemingly are to make some friends and potentially meet someone.

And yes absolutely being single in the church is terrible. A lot of my desire for a female companion is rooted in having someone close to you. Right now this is sort of my parents and my sister. And while that’s great, they have their own things going on. And I don’t live closeby my parents anymore. I do live close to my sister. She is inactive, but she’s a pretty cool person. We often go to sporting events, and do other things together. But that is family, and and has it’s limiations. They are friends, who have to be your friends due to circumstances. There’s just something about having someone at your side who loves and cares for you that is not family.

I have in fact somewhat tried dating non-lds women. In fact I was well known for chasing non-lds girls back when I was a teenager. And was often critisized for it by my youth counterparts. But I often run into a couple of problems with non-lds. The first probably is I am not very open about my religious beliefs. And often times I worry that may become a cog later down the road. The second is socializing with someone who is not lds involves drinking. I obviously don’t drink. And while part of it has to do with the WoW – I just don’t really like it. I think it’s kinda gross. (lol). I have tried alchohol before, back when I was working on my undergrad in college. Of course not everyone who is not lds drinks socially, that would be an unfair assumption. But it’s a 50/50 in many cases.

And just to be clear I have never ocne been in an intimate relationship my entire life. That’s what makes it more furstrating is I am coming up on 30 years on this earth and have never been in a relationship with anyone. So naturally it gets very frustrating.

There is a girl who is non-lds who in a lot of ways has sort of stolen my heart. I have known her since I met her back in my community college days a decade ago. However it turned into a friend zone, and she just doesn’t have an interest in me. I have tried making moves in the past, but she is usually dating another guy or in between guys. In some ways knowing her dating history I may have dodged a bullet with her. But doesn’t change the fact I have feelings for her still. But I am starting to get over her, so that may be a good thing. I don’t think long-term friendzoned relationships are healthy. But you never know I guess. Honestly though if she’s happy I am happy. Even if that means she’s in a relationship with another guy that is not me. We haven’t hung out much though mostly due to my shyness, and cutting myself off from the world.

As for correlating pornography use to stress eating I agree 100%. I live alone, no friends and not many interesting hobbies outside of photography and video games and watching baseball. I have had a pornography issue since I was about 13 and I’m almost 30. So 17 years. It’s amazing how it works a lot like a drug addiction. Starts small, and I kept seeking a higher payload.Now it’s sued as as coping mechanism of being lonely, boredom and forgetting about my life stressors. I find it incredibly boring, but it’s almost like an automatic instinct. I can go days without it though, so it’s not like it’s destroying my life or putting me in danger. But I would draw the line to similairites of someone who smokes or drinks when they come home from a stressful day at work.

I totally get what your saying with how that is pretty normal baggage among church members, partically the younger ones. However there is still the stigma around it, and once someone finds that out there’s a 50/50 shot they will be understanding and accepting, or will not want anything to do with you at all. I have started to listen to Sara Brewers podcast relating to pornography addiction. it has helped me understand how it is not something that still carries the stigma is used to, or at least we are heading that way.

“Axiom”. It appears I have learned a new word today. haha

I am trying to be social within my peers in the church. But for some reason there is a mental block preventing me from doing so. I try to attend Home Evening with my YSA ward. However often times the activitiy is uninteresting causing me to go off and hang out in the lobby, waiting for the clock to run out. I am incredibly shy. However that does not prevent me from having a conversation with someone. But I think a lot of it may be related to shielding myself from being hurt like I have been in the past. My two goals seemingly are to make some friends and potentially meet someone.

And yes absolutely being single in the church is terrible. A lot of my desire for a female companion is rooted in having someone close to you. Right now this is sort of my parents and my sister. And while that’s great, they have their own things going on. And I don’t live closeby my parents anymore. I do live close to my sister. She is inactive, but she’s a pretty cool person. We often go to sporting events, and do other things together. But that is family, and and has it’s limiations. They are friends, who have to be your friends due to circumstances. There’s just something about having someone at your side who loves and cares for you that is not family.

I have in fact somewhat tried dating non-lds women. In fact I was well known for chasing non-lds girls back when I was a teenager. And was often critisized for it by my youth counterparts. But I often run into a couple of problems with non-lds. The first probably is I am not very open about my religious beliefs. And often times I worry that may become a cog later down the road. The second is socializing with someone who is not lds involves drinking. I obviously don’t drink. And while part of it has to do with the WoW – I just don’t really like it. I think it’s kinda gross. (lol). I have tried alchohol before, back when I was working on my undergrad in college. Of course not everyone who is not lds drinks socially, that would be an unfair assumption. But it’s a 50/50 in many cases.

And just to be clear I have never ocne been in an intimate relationship my entire life. That’s what makes it more furstrating is I am coming up on 30 years on this earth and have never been in a relationship with anyone. So naturally it gets very frustrating.

There is a girl who is non-lds who in a lot of ways has sort of stolen my heart. I have known her since I met her back in my community college days a decade ago. However it turned into a friend zone, and she just doesn’t have an interest in me. I have tried making moves in the past, but she is usually dating another guy or in between guys. In some ways knowing her dating history I may have dodged a bullet with her. But doesn’t change the fact I have feelings for her still. But I am starting to get over her, so that may be a good thing. I don’t think long-term friendzoned relationships are healthy. But you never know I guess. Honestly though if she’s happy I am happy. Even if that means she’s in a relationship with another guy that is not me. We haven’t hung out much though mostly due to my shyness, and cutting myself off from the world.

As for correlating pornography use to stress eating I agree 100%. I live alone, no friends and not many interesting hobbies outside of photography and video games and watching baseball. I have had a pornography issue since I was about 13 and I’m almost 30. So 17 years. It’s amazing how it works a lot like a drug addiction. Starts small, and I kept seeking a higher payload.Now it’s sued as as coping mechanism of being lonely, boredom and forgetting about my life stressors. I find it incredibly boring, but it’s almost like an automatic instinct. I can go days without it though, so it’s not like it’s destroying my life or putting me in danger. But I would draw the line to similairites of someone who smokes or drinks when they come home from a stressful day at work.

I totally get what your saying with how that is pretty normal baggage among church members, partically the younger ones. However there is still the stigma around it, and once someone finds that out there’s a 50/50 shot they will be understanding and accepting, or will not want anything to do with you at all. I have started to listen to Sara Brewers podcast relating to pornography addiction. it has helped me understand how it is not something that still carries the stigma is used to, or at least we are heading that way.

I’m in a somewhat similar stage of life. I’m in my mid-20s, have no social life whatsoever, and have never dated anyone. I tried going back to church last year in a last-ditch attempt to meet some people, but it didn’t work out and I ended up leaving again.

Being Single: It’s rough to be a YSA in the church. The church attitude towards marriage definitely stigmatizes being a single adult more than the outside world. But a relationship is not some magical thing that will always make you happier, and you are still young. 30 may be the cutoff age for YSA wards but it really isn’t very old.

Personally I think the most important relationship a person can have is with themself. First make sure you are comfortable with yourself and are becoming the kind of person you want to be, and then find other people who like you as well. And don’t miss out on doing fun things just because you are alone. If there’s something you always wanted to do but you have no one to do it with, just do it yourself. It may be more fun than you expect, and you might run into other people who like doing the same thing.

Meeting People: I’ll admit I don’t have too much advice to give, as I’m still struggling to figure this one out. I have at least had some limited but positive social interactions going to events on the Meetup app. I’m also trying to get involved in some hobby clubs and the like. It can be hard to find social activities that don’t revolve around drinking. But a lot of this seems to be location-dependent and I’ve sometimes considered moving to a different city just to have a better shot at making friends.

I will say if you find all of the YSA activities are uninteresting, maybe they are not the right crowd for you. Or maybe they also find it uninteresting and would welcome a suggestion to try something else. But if you really don’t like it then it’s probably worth spending your energy looking for other activities that you find more interesting, where you are more likely to meet people with similar interests.

Take everything I have said with a grain of salt. I am in many ways struggling down the same path as you and have by no means figured things out yet, but I wish you the best in your journey.