Some progress and YSA dating advice?

I know that in church culture there is an expectation to find our marriage partner. However, I think it might work better to just relax and develop some friendships. It sounds like these women that you met are nice and fun to be around. Maybe that can be enough. That takes all the pressure off. Will she find out about your past? Sure, but if she becomes your friend she will also find out about who you are today. Keep it in the friend zone and maybe romance will develop down the road. But even if romance never develops, at least you found some cool friends and didn’t make it weird.

I am working towards endowment. It is something I have been contemplating for the past 365 days. However for some reason I just cannot jump the gun. Partially becuase I worry about my struggles with pornography. I worry I would mess up, or fall back on my vices when endowed. I am currently getting help. I have been listening to Sara Brewers pornography help podcasts weekly as they are a great help. And have actually helped me cut down on my pornography use over the past year.

I think I understand your struggle. You will absolutely still struggle after an endowment… just like everyone else struggles with their issues after being endowed. When I was endowed, I imagined that God was building a castle with a moat to protect me from the temptations of Satan. When I still succumbed to my vices, I felt like I had opened the draw bridge and invited the enemy inside. I was Benedict Arnold. God had given me all the tools to never again struggle (and God is perfect so of course he provided a way for me to be obedient) and I STILL fell to temptation. I felt like the lowest of the low.

However, now I am a married father of two teenage children that are preparing to fly away. My perspective has changed. 1) congratulations! you have a healthy sex drive. God gave this to us to motivate us to form lasting relationships and have families. It is not only normal but it is also good. 2) Pornography can have some dark corners and can become habit forming but at the core it is just naked people having sex. Again, it is natural and normal to crave that. Perhaps it might help to reframe your porn craving as if they were food cravings. There are plenty of foods that are bad for you. Empty calories etc. Perhaps a donut. You can eat a donut and know that it wasn’t a great choice but it makes no sense to beat yourself up about it. Nor does eating the donut define you or make you a bad person. Problems can certainly develop if you eat only donuts or even mostly donuts. However, saying that you will eat nothing until marriage (to prevent your donut habit) is an even bigger problem.

One way to manage your craving is to masturbate. This can help to get it out of your system and satiate the craving that is driving you to pornography. Even within marriage there are lots of couples that use masturbation to help manage the difference in sexual desire levels between a high desire partner and a low desire partner.

This is all normal, normal, so very normal. You are on a very familiar journey. Good luck friend.

That’s a really good point. In your first paragraph. There’s nothing wrong with just being friends, and I’m definentley going to take things slowly. I’m not too keen on marrying right away. In fact marriage kind of terrifies me. However almost hitting my 30s I am also terrified at the thought of being alone as that is what state I’m currently in. It really does feel like a double edged sword. But to even consider marriage I need to get my crap together. I don’t even have a career yet as I’m still in my final weeks of grad school which includes an unpaid internship. So it’s been hard finding stable employement at the moment.

I am just excited to have someone who I could talk to. I know it sounds elementary but this is the 2nd person in my ward I have interacted with. The biggest struggle though is I’m not very versed when it comes to dating, or even hanging out within the church.

And hearing what you said about temple endowment seems to be a common theme as of late. That does make me feel better.

I do agree about sexuality. We often get shamed to constantly ignore it and just lock it up. However trying to understand it better benefits in the long run.

Yeah, it sounds like having some “just friends” would be great for you. We all need that kind of support.

It is hard though. Because often times I fear I just don’t fit in. That I was simply born in the wrong region and I’m just not compatible with members locally. Often times it feels while I try my best to love the church, it doesn’t seem to love me back.

Roy said what I was going to say.

Keep working on what you are doing – but broaden the outreach.

Glad you are doing well.

There are groups that meet for specific purposes – like hiking or playing board games. Hobby groups.

There are lots of volunteer groups – like the soroptimists, eagles, rotary, etc.

There are groups that meet for self improvement – like the toastmasters.

There are groups that exist to help government. My kids are on the library teen advisory board. I am on the city development commission advisory board. community organizations to help government services better reach the people.

None of these ideas are for dating specifically. The idea is that you will develop peer relationships with lots of people and that will set you up to be in a better position in all aspects of your life.

Broadening your outreach could also include volunteering at the local animal shelter, food bank or soup kitchen.

If music is in your areas of interest, find a community chorus or band. Or get involved in a community theater – even if you don’t act, there are lots of behind the scenes people.

Visit museums or zoos.

Juice and non-alcoholic bars still exist, and are actually becoming a “thing” (there are now liquor type stores popping up that sell only non-alcoholic beverages).

Take an adult education course for something that interests you – anything – painting, photography, cooking, whatever.

Sitting around feeling sorry for yourself isn’t going to solve your problem.

I will definentley keep an eye out for some groups to join! I appreciate. And I do agree about not feeling sorry for myself. That is probably my biggest weakness.