I’m curious to what your thoughts are on dating outside the church

It’s probably easier to manage the expectations of a mixed faith relationship where the relationship starts out as mixed faith as opposed to a relationship where you start out as the same faith and then one person changes.

When you start out with mixed faith being on the table you know what you’re getting into and if the relationship continues it would continue with the mixed faith as an accepted condition. In theory.

Are interfaith relationships/marriages difficult to maintain?

Well done for giving this issue serious thought. I imagine that few people plan to begin a relationship that risks unravelling over time. The relative dynamics and chances of success will be influenced by your background and your red lines in respect of your relationship with a partner and your relationship with your faith.

To make any type of meaningful comment, I’d like more information about your church background. Are you a convert, or were you raised in an LDS church family? Did you attend Seminary in your youth? Did you serve a full-time mission? Do you actively participate in church meetings, and do you serve in a calling? Do you hold a current temple recommend and attend a temple periodically?

I live outside the U.S. in an area where members marry nonmembers all the time — or they risk not marrying at all. I am therefore reasonably acquainted with the considerations because I see how things unfold in a church context.

I was always the guy who didn’t do traditional things.

Thank you for the excellent bio. You did a great job of explaining how the Church fits (or doesn’t) into your life. It is refreshing to read such honesty.

Since you were the guy who didn’t do traditional things, dating someone who shows genuine interest in you (and vice versa) — whatever their situation — strikes me as holding far more potential than trying to present yourself as someone you aren’t or going after someone whose faith commitments are different from yours. It’s great to have aspirations, but fraudulence is a dead end.

If you had said you did all the things I asked about (Seminary graduate, RM, temple attending, etc.), I would have recommended searching further afield for someone with similar convictions so you would have plenty to bind you in a common pursuit. Since that isn’t the case — and that’s not any type of judgement — do you really want to seek out someone for whom those things are an expectation or red line? There’s a woman in my ward who refused to marry a guy until he served a mission; so he did it for her. Two decades and several children later, they divorced because he didn’t want to be the guy she wanted as a husband. We should never attempt to shape others into what we want them to be; we should only ever try to shape ourselves into being the best possible version we can manage.

I know people who have quintessentially LDS backgrounds who married childhood friends or colleagues who had none of the same experiences and values, but they were in love — and still are. However, there will always be that feeling of awkwardness every time all the family-centred principles are spoken of in talks, testimonies, lessons, etc. You know, it’s pretty much non-stop because we teach that the family is at the heart of the great plan. So if those things are central to your experience and your aspirations, dating and marrying outside your faith is a life sentence of compromise and of feeling at least partially incomplete. Is that what you want?

If, on the other hand, being seen as (or self-identifying as) Peter Priesthood or Molly Mormon really isn’t your thing (but you have core faith convictions and wish to hang on to them — albeit not in a 100%-committed-all-the-time-so-you-can-serve-as-the-next-bishop type of way), there’s a world of women out there who are not of our faith but who would respect your beliefs as long as you weren’t trying to coerce her down the same path against her will.

Making promises/covenants as an adult in the temple is a life-altering commitment. Having a spouse who cannot relate to how that affects pretty much everything is always going to represent a challenge. And staying married is a tricky enough feat after the sheen has worn off. You’ll want things that unite you rather than the opposite. It can be done; it’s just more difficult in my view.

It sounds to me like you need someone who holds similar views to your own; a woman who respects the values of others without feeling threatened by them and without trying to change them. If she isn’t a member and that isn’t an issue for you, if she allows you to find your path and sees you blossom in your choices, well, she’s more likely to join you in that journey — in whichever direction that leads.

I still have quite an axe to grind, and just cannot let go. And I fear it may be somewhat of a stumbling block for everything.

A few hundred years ago, a guy who lived not far from me once wrote, “To thine own self be true.” I’d encourage you to search for a woman whose aspirations align with yours. Your faith background is an integral part of who you have become, but it sounds like it isn’t currently central to your life. You would certainly want to be sure she’s cool with what that means to you — and vice versa so you are comfortable with her own convictions.

I hope you can find someone who sees all the good you have to offer.

…Maybe it’s time to play to this strength and try my hand dating outside the church. Girls in the church won’t bother to give me the time of day, but girls who are nonmembers seem at least interested in me. But as mentioned in another post, I often worry about this. How do I make this work if I have desires to remain in the church? How do I remain active, how do I get her to accept these beliefs? Because I would accept hers if they were differing than mine. Are interfaith relationships/marriages difficult to maintain?

My feeling is just because you date a non-member doesn’t mean you will get married. I know a number of people who got married & some joined

the church & are very happy. Some didn’t join & they are very happy too. Some people were members all their lives, got married & later divorced.

You don’t always know how it’s going to work out.

When I was single, I liked dating & seeing who & what was available. When I joined the church (Senior in college), I found out that I had more

in common with members than nonmembers.

My advice, for what it’s worth, is date a non-member & if it doesn’t work out move on to someone else & see if that works.

Good luck!