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Hello all! I’m glad I came across this forum. I’m a 54 year old married LDS man that has been looking for a safe place to voice my thoughts/concerns. I love the Gospel with all of my heart but there are times when my own feelings grate up against the teachings found in the church. I always go back to what Peter said in John 6:68 “to whom shall we go?” I believe the fullness of the Gospel resides in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints but I have to say that I’m so bone weary tired of feeling like I’m not good enough. The basis of this feeling, I think, is in my sexual desires. I love my wife of 33 years with all of my heart but sex has always been a sort of taboo subject. We honestly have never really talked about it much. It took me years of fumbling around to finally figure out what she liked and helped her to reach orgasm. An illness of about 12 years ago and the meds she had to take has really killed her libido. She will still have sex but I can tell it is just something that she endures which is not what I/we need. We’ve talked about it but she hasn’t had much to say on the subject. Why do I say all of this? Well, I started masturbating to relieve the pressure I was feeling (no pun intended) and I’m sure if my wife knew she would blow her top, thinking I’m unworthy and dirty as I have told her I’ve done so in the past and she just lost it. I hate feeling torn about wanting to stay worthy of our marriage covenants and the desire to relieve the stress I feel about the lack of sex. Sometimes I feel fine, feeling like Heavenly Father still loves me, which He does, but I still feel like I’m letting Him down at times. I still feel good when I’m in the temple but I wonder if I’m deluding myself, just waiting for the lightning bolt to strike me down, so to speak.
Have any of you ever felt this way about this or something similar? What have you done about it? I want to believe that such a thing will not keep me from progressing, that it is something just between me and Heavenly Father. Am I wrong to feel this way?
Just a quick admin note: This post and its questions are totally fine for our site, but some search engines and individual searchers focus on this sort of post, so we try to avoid explicit descriptions of specific actions. Just try to be aware of that in responses. Hello, and welcome to the forum. I think I can only relate from my experiences as someone who was single until he was 30, and the general “worthiness” culture. I hear your testimony that you believe the gospel and believe the church contains the fullness of the gospel. I feel likewise, but I’m not so hung up on the fullness part. I do know what the Gospel of Jesus Christ teaches though, and it has nothing to do with worthiness. God (Our Heavenly Parents, Jesus, the Holy Spirit) love us unquestionably regardless of anything we have done or ever will do. Their love is unconditional for every one of us “sinners.” We will all be full recipients of the all the love, grace, and mercy there is – there is enough ice cream for everybody.
I’m not sure if that’s any help for you because I’m not sure you’re at the point where you’re ready to give up the guilt that is not part of the gospel. Letting go of the church imposed guilt was the most important thing I have done in my faith journey. But if you are sincere in your thoughts that maybe this is just between you and God and that God will forgive you, you are not wrong to think that way – but you might need to be careful who you share that with. You’re perfectly safe here.
Welcome Bruce! You are not alone and you are enough.
Please look up the work of Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife (JFF). She is an LDS relationship and sexuality coach.
It sounds like both you and your wife have specific approaches that are contributing to the current situation. If you and your spouse might take some JFF courses together that could do wonders.
My wife and I have not done the courses but we both joined the Facebook group where some individuals will post their situations and difficulties and the group will give them a variety of support and suggestions from a mainly LDS perspective. (not terribly unlike what is happening in this thread)
Just the realization that there are different ways to think about sex, sex acts within marriage, masturbation, and sexuality AND still be a worthy and practicing LDS member can be huge!
My wife and I sometimes talk together about the posts that we read on the Facebook page and that serves as a springboard to talk about our own sexual relationship and better understand our sexual dynamic from a position of love and compassion.
I hope that helps.
Welcome Bruceson, Welcome to our corner of the world. We are glad you’re here. Keep coming back. We need your voice.
There isn’t a lot I can add. I am probably the oldest member here. It’s interesting how age & a low
testosterone level solves the desires of my youth.
The only thing I want to add is: you’re not alone & God understands.
Bruceson wrote:
I hate feeling torn about wanting to stay worthy of our marriage covenants and the desire to relieve the stress I feel about the lack of sex. Sometimes I feel fine, feeling like Heavenly Father still loves me, which He does, but I still feel like I’m letting Him down at times. I still feel good when I’m in the temple but I wonder if I’m deluding myself, just waiting for the lightning bolt to strike me down, so to speak.Have any of you ever felt this way about this or something similar? What have you done about it? I want to believe that such a thing will not keep me from progressing, that it is something just between me and Heavenly Father. Am I wrong to feel this way?
God may need you to be working on something else more valuable for your spiritual attention right now – so I would be tuning into God for personal revelation on that.
NOTE: I am not certain that what has been said about what God expects in terms of sexuality throughout the ages is exactly what God meant. In my experience, God throws around a lot less lightning bolts than advertised, and usually the innocent and vulnerable suffer the most when natural disasters occur. I recommend tuning into asking what God really needs from you right now, and meditating about that and coordinating with God about working towards that.
The movie “Evan Almighty” deals with being in relation to God in some insightful ways. It might be worth your entertainment attention:)
Thank you all for your kind words. I’m sorry that I wasn’t as discrete as I should have been and will be more careful going forward. Bruceson, thanks for posting. Don’t feel sorry for what you’ve said. That’s why we have moderators. I personally like a site like this one. We can share our thoughts and ideas without fear of judgement.
If we are wrong or step over the line, someone will politely call us on it.
I wish we could be more open at church.
Keep coming back. There are fewer people coming here all the time.
I totally agree with you about wishing it was easier to be open at church. I originally joined the church when I was 15 because my dad had taken a missionary discussion and wanted to have the family as a whole listen to them. At first I thought he was nuts! I was a happy little Catholic and had no desire to change religions. As the missionaries taught us,though, I could see a belief system I could engage with. I saw a group of people I wanted to emulate. It wasn’t until I was on my mission some 4 years later that I really started to build my own testimony. Now, a good 40 years later I can stand with real faith/conviction that I know the restored Gospel is true and vibrant. Unfortunately, over the past 20 years or so I’ve seen how my feelings about the church as a whole has developed some cracks. Case in point, facial hair. I know it isn’t a big issue but it chaps my hide to see the bias against it. It isn’t a deal breaker at all but it bothers me so much that I’ve outright, and politely, told my stake president that I would never shave my beard. It is a part of my identity and since there is no doctrine, anywhere, that forbids it, I won’t shave just to be in a bishopric or serve in the temple.Blacks in the priesthood bothers me too but again, isn’t a deal breaker as I can see how personal biases, not God, created this fallacy. Now, when it comes to things like M in a married couple I once again flounder. When I tried to bring this up in a priesthood meeting once I was met with a lot of vitriol, folks saying that they couldn’t believe that a priesthood holder would even think such a thing.
I really appreciate all of you and the time you spend sharing your thoughts and ideas. I like being able to recognize that I’m not alone and that there are people that agree that it is ok for everyone to have their own opinions.
The official position now regarding sexual activity within marriage essentially is, “Don’t ask; don’t tell,” as long as there is no coercion. There is no reason to be more detailed than that, with one’s self or with others. Nobody else needs to know.
Bruceson wrote:
Case in point, facial hair. I know it isn’t a big issue but it chaps my hide to see the bias against it. It isn’t a deal breaker at all but it bothers me so much that I’ve outright, and politely, told my stake president that I would never shave my beard. It is a part of my identity and since there is no doctrine, anywhere, that forbids it, I won’t shave just to be in a bishopric or serve in the temple.
I think the stigma surrounding facial hair is starting to fall away. I’m seeing more and more people in church with facial hair, even people in leadership. I’m sure people’s attitudes towards facial hair, especially for people in leadership roles, is still in the realm of local ward/stake culture roulette.
I’ve never gotten any flak when I had facial hair (and I’ve gotten flak over things practically no one gets flak over
To hear his story, when he received the call to serve in the bishopric he notified his old Mission President (as one would do?). Their old MP asked him whether he was going to make the locals ask him to shave. He took the hint and shaved.
That was over 10 years ago, and I’d point out how it wasn’t the locals that asked him to shave, it was an old MP that was probably still in that mission mode where being clean shaven is the expectation.
Since then I’ve seen several people in bishoprics with facial hair. I have yet to see anyone in a stake presidency with facial hair, but I suspect the day will come. I won’t be holding my breath waiting on an Area Authority or higher sporting facial hair.
Sadly having a beard is no longer the “get out of having to do that calling” that it once was.
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