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My wife and I struggled with it for 10 years due to a really strange problem. It was hard on both of us, but harder on my wife than myself when it came to other women and their questiosn about motherhood.

I just asked my wife how she handled it until we had two of our own. This is what she said:

a) She found an advocate — some women in the Ward to whom she confided her feelings. These women protected her in situations where people asked her about childlessness, changing the subject and other socially adroit methods of helping her. She actually developed a circle of three friends who knew about her feelings, sympathized, and became her friends. It provided a safe environment for her. One of them was the Primary President with whom we developed a very good relationship and stay in touch with today.

b) Once she stood up in Sacrament meeting and told everyone to stop with the children questions already. Everyone stopped after that, although they started coming to me ask why (some of them). I had some smart answers I used — I can’t remember them all, but they usually shut off the questions. I remember us having some really funny conversations in the car on the way to work about what we MIGHT say — things that would embarrass the people or scare them away from us forever, but that was just therapeutic. We never said them. But I did have statements like “Boy, that’s a really personal question, isn’t it???. Call me [insert first name here]”….and then walk away. In retrospect it was more sacrcastic than what the mature Silentdawning would probably have said, but it did stop the questions.

c) She got involved teaching primary and other things, and like you, didn’t bother with RS. She did stay involved in things she enjoyed like book clubs, and informal gatherings with her “advocates”. We had strong social relationships with these women.

d) She made a point of not holding other people’s babies when there were other people around who were not advocates. This only prompted questions from people — as if it was invitation to start raising the baby questions.

e) We didn’t go to Sacrament meeting on Mother’s Day. Except in one Ward where the Bishop made a point of giving all the women flowers, and the young women too — proclaiming it was appreciation for womanhood in general. But she did her calling in Primary that day.

f) She said it was therapeutic to teach the Sunbeam class because of how all the kids thought she was the greatest thing and gave love and followed her around like the Oracle of knowledge. I don’t know if that’s for everyone, but she found Primary was the best place for her. It got her out of RS and with the kids.

Even today, she doesn’t like going to Mother’s Day Sacrament because she feels for people who are childless.

I might also suggest hanging out with others who don’t have children yet, if there are some in your Ward, like newlyweds etcetera. I think we did that for a little while — and had a real friendship with a family who eventually adopted. We tried to adopt, but that is another story.

I don’t know how many times over the last 35 years I’ve counseled with people after a miscarriage and the best I could say was that a good share of the time we have no idea why it happened. It wasn’t until my wife miscarried that I fully appreciated the grief that can be involved. Being in a church that makes such an issue of family is harder on people that we realize and about all you can do is take that into account when people say thoughtless things. One thing for sure is that it’s nobody’s fault and God isn’t up there trying to teach anybody a lesson. I’m sorry for your troubles and sorry for your loss and if you feel you need to take a break, take it.

Dear Molly,

Over the holidays I read the book, “Why bad things happen to good people.” Main jest was that God does not will bad things to happen or cause them to happen. It is just part of living in this mortal fallen state called earth life. God can comfort and guide us during these difficult times and I do hope you find peace, support, and understanding from good people.

My younger sister had majored in elementary education and Homemaking in college. Her main goal was to have a large family. She had one tubler pregnancy and almost died. Every month when she got her period she would cry her eyes out and feel anger when she saw drug addicts, and prositutes get pregnant but she couldn’t. She would almost stand upside down on her head after sex so nothing would run out or loose one sperm. It got to be laughable almost. We would cry together as I never really wanted kids and got pregnant right away. I used to tease her that God already knew she’d be a wonderful parent so didn’t need the experience…but that is ridiculous too. She finally adopted two new borns through lds social services. One turned out to be an eagles scout, served an honorable mission, became a doctor, married a returned missionary and has two wonderful kids and works as an anestiseologist now. The other baby had ADD, lots of learning disabilities, and was very rebellious. She had 3 girls out of wedlock with a jerk, and got hooked on crystal meth. She and her bf stole my sister blind and put them in terrible financial jeporady. She has been in and out of jail many times and my sister and her husband have ended up having to raise her 3 special needs daughters that are 3, 6, and 10 now. My sister is 61 now with 4 back surgeries, diabetic, and a wreck trying to raise these girls. It is too much for her. I do not know why our youth dreams turn into such nightmares sometimes, but having understanding friends who really care can help us bring some meaning to these difficult situations.

My wonderful sister helped me so much with my own kids when I was in terrible car accidents. I can tell by what you wrote that you are and can be such a blessing to other people’s children until you get your own. God bless your tender heart.

Bridget.

Even worse seem to be the comments, “everything happens for a reason.” I’m not sure i believe that, especially when it comes to my miscarriage, I would hope that God would have a pretty good reason for this, but since apparently 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage, maybe there is no reason at all and it’s just something that happens. And that gives me more comfort than thinking there has to be some reason for it.

“you will get to have your child in the celestial kingdom” Thanks, but i would like my child now. I don’t think that my child is lost in space, but i lost it early that i’m not sure that’s what happens. I would like to think that this soul is given a second chance at life rather than selfishly thinking it belongs to me and me only.

It was fast and testimony today. One woman got up and said something about Heavenly Father trusting her with his children. I hate this statement. Does that mean Heavenly Father doesn’t trust me?? He would rather take his child back then have me raise it? Does heavenly father trust all the addicts, abusers, and unfit parents that he gives children to?

Hi Molly,

It seems to me that you present two main problems: 1) grief and 2) ostracism.

I feel we have some things in common about feeling out of place or odd, but where I really identify with you is in your grief. Our third child, Emory, was stillborn a year ago. You may review my story on the introductions page under When Bad Things Happen to Good People. Incidentally, I posted my intro just 9 days after you posted yours.

I have repeatedly heard the comment, “everything happens for a reason.” I held on to this belief myself for some time. When I first read “Tragedy or Destiny” by SWK, I consciously ignored the part where he admits to not knowing if any divine reason exists for these cases. This (divine plan) thought is not unique to Mormons, so you may be just as likely to hear it from non-member friends. I think the more sinister version of this is that it occurred to teach you something, with the implication that if you hadn’t been so thick skulled maybe God could give you this lesson in less drastic ways. You have already hit upon the reverse side of the coin for the “God trusts us with his children” statement.

Most the time these statements are from well meaning people who aren’t sure what to say. Even people that might be similarly affected with grief (say various members of a family where tragedy has struck or even a husband and wife) react to it differently. It is fairly common to hear of husbands who throw themselves into their work or otherwise avoid hashing and rehashing emotions, sometimes wives feel that the husbands don’t care because they don’t deal with it in the same way. Sometimes people are just jerks but I think that more often than not people are doing the best they know how.

Confronting randomness (it just happens) can be liberating but also scary. It means there are no guarantees and almost anything can happen at any time. There is no gestational period, no age where you are “in the clear.” Why put forth a lifetime of effort, if a lifetime of effort can be thwarted by random events? I am currently grappling with this issue. How much do my own choices and effort influence my destiny and how much is out of my control? How much do I act vs. how much am I acted upon? I find it perhaps best stated in the Serenity Prayer. “God grant me the strength to change the things I can, the peace to accept the things I can’t, and the wisdom to tell the difference.”

I’m not certain of much, but I do know that God loves you, your husband, and your miscarried child.

You are not alone!