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I found this article today: http://www.marcandangel.com/2012/03/05/12-stressful-things-to-stop-tolerating/ Here are the 12 things it says to stop tolerating. If you want to read more about each of the 12 things, you’ll have to go to the link (I’ve only put the headers of each:
1.The decision to settle for mediocrity.
2.Your own negative thinking.
3.Other people’s negativity.
4.Unhealthy relationships.
5.Dishonesty.
6.A work environment or career field you hate.
7.Being disorganized and unprepared.
8.Inaction.
9.The lingering of unfinished business.
10.The choice to mull over past mistakes and regrets.
11.A mounting pile of personal debt.
12.Your reluctance to say what you need to say.
As I think about these for myself, the ones that resonate for me are #1 (mediocrity is so much easier than excellence and everyone seems to fight against excellence), #3 (often my kids’ negativity can really wear us down – we have teens), #6 (sometimes work just grinds me down or doesn’t feel fulfilling enough), #7 (definitely a big one at times). Did any of these resonate for any of you? Are there changes you want to make?
Sometimes it comes down to what you know vs what you don’t and the question “is it worth the risk?” If you give up one of these, will you be happier, more successful, somehow different? I bike 5 miles to work and back every day and during that time replay the mistakes I’ve made and the trouble I’ve caused. Maybe I’m wallowing and maybe I’m reminding myself of what can go wrong if you’re not careful. As far as I can see there’s nothing that’s less stressful, just different. Sometimes there is a balance or middle way of striving for excellence and not accepting status quo, and also being at peace with the now to feel okay with the effort I’m giving and who I am. It is a constant course direction check to make sure I don’t justify not giving my best. I would say at the top of my list, I’m working on #3 Other people’s negativity. I can listen and be compassionate to support others, until the negativity is constant and it makes my heart sad and starts to bring me down.
I am also working on my reluctance to say what I need. If I can’t share my feelings with others, I have no one to blame but myself. If I share too much, I don’t like feeling over emotional and whiny.
I have found I can devote times when I am still, but not tolerate inactivity. I get up and do things when I need to, but don’t pressure myself to do more than I can.
#3,#4, and #12. I have a friend I have distanced from due to the constant negativity which is too much right now for me. #4 and #12, as there is difficulty with an extended family member on my spouse’s side. I have just tried to ignore some recent events since it is not my family line, but the events very much created great stress and sadness for me and for one of my children. I am not getting anywhere with just forgiving and moving on. I am struggling with the idea of if it’s worth it to speak it to this person which might just cause more family drama. At the same time, I really do not have any desire to be around this person anytime soon. But this is an extended family that gathers together fairly frequently. Thank goodness we are not in the same ward! I think this is a good question, and would make a good poll so one can see the common themes. For me, being disorganized tops my list right now…I got so busy a while ago I let everything go, and am slowly getting myself out of the hole of disorganization.
Also, the fact that people fight against excellence is an interesting perspective. I run into that all the time. For some reason, people just don’t want to put the same kind of effort into things that I do. I rarely do anything half-cocked, and when I want to do a really good job, people put the brakes on it if it means they have to join me for the ride. I’m not sure why…is that I’m just an overachieving person with 3.5 Masters Degrees a PhD, two bands, and multiple projects in my work going on a all times?
Dunno…and negativity…I find I can be negative around people so I don’t say things that are negative as much anymore. it only brings people down. And it makes me miserable.
There is something to be said for the “fatigue” methoid of therapy — do something dysfunctional so long you get sick of it.
Lets see, didn’t realized I was signed out, so that I couldn’t reply to this question. And this server didn’t save the comment I was typing. So I will start again. On that. I am ADD, I said that in my post on my introduction page “Another feminist” (go there for full post) , so probably:
7.Being disorganized and unprepared.
However, I don’t think “stop tolerating” is exactly the right approach to this list.
What if the unfinished business that is bugging you, is unfinished because a family member or friend is in a car accident and you’ve been helping them every single day of the last month. You will have to tolerate that unfinished business, until you can actually go home or work or wherever and get it done.
What if your anger is actually helping you through a situation because it is used in a way to actually promote you for looking for ways to change your current situation?
What if all of these things, are actually there, because of some other pressing matter in your life.
Surely this list is worthy of attention, that we should really study and come to understand how we can improve in this area. But I think we as human beings will always have to tolerate these things.
I mean, sometimes you just have ADD, and being disorganized and probably in my case underprepared rather then unprepared (no I don’t equate the two) are going to happen. Sometimes you will get angry, and in direct response to other peoples negative feelings. Sometimes there is unfinished business…Sometimes.
Oh, you get the point. And if you don’t. Please ask.
I think wonderingcurrent makes an excellent point, and I will take it a step further and add that, sometimes, I get the feeling that these lists, while VERY good for a lot of people, are like telling someone who suffers from clinical depression to “just smile and exercise faith and you’ll feel better” – or someone who is OCD to “just stop thinking about it”. If the suggestion fits the personality of the target (if someone is under-achieving as a result of just pure laziness, for example), then telling them to “stop tolerating” settling for mediocrity can be excellent advice – but if someone is doing the best they can in something, and if the result merely looks mediocre to someone who is better at that than they are, telling them to “stop tolerating” mediocrity is telling them to do more than they are capable of doing – and if the person internalizes that “encouragement” they are setting themselves up for failure in an area where they previously had been doing OK. I see that as one of the problems we face in the Church on a practical level – the perfectionist complex that is bred in people when they are “encouraged” / “challenged” to do more than they are able to do.
I like the overall idea of listing “stressful things” so we can be aware of them, and I understand that a “stop tolerating” approach really does work for many people – but I also think that approach actually hurts many of the people who could be helped in a different way to recognize stresses in their lives and find constructive ways to deal with them that aren’t so inherently “guilt-inducing”.
I like the list and the concept. It’s a good reminder. Often, I find myself being steamrolled by life (work, especially) and just suck it up, without trying to change anything. We have choices, and choosing not to act (tolerating) is often one of our worst, but easiest choices. I find myself frequently bogged down in the mundane and not taking advantage of the wonder of being alive. Also, I laughed out loud when I read this:
Quote:often my kids’ negativity can really wear us down – we have teens
So true.
For me, the items from that list that affect me the most are 6, 7, 8, and 9.
In reality, I can’t change my career, but I can fill the rest of my life with more good, so that I minimize its soul-sucking power.
Quote:1.The decision to settle for mediocrity.
I try desperately to avoid it. I pray that I can say at the end of my life that I wasn’t mediocre.
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