20 Years With Depression

I have it too now. I didn’t actually have it manifest itself until about 4 years ago — as a direct result of an event that contributed to my commitment crisis with the church. Therefore, I have an inkling of what it means to be depressed — the difficulties it can cause with being productive, and how hard it is to press through it all. It’s terrible.

There is a book by Martin Seligman that you might consider in the positive psychology series. I think it was called Learned Optimism when I read it. As you probably know, Seligman was one of the fathers of the positive psychology movement after he wanted to shake off his work on learned helplessness.

He made a comment in his book that Winston Churchill and Abraham Lincoln both suffered from depression, yet went on to live very productive lives. That gave me a lot of hope. I think we often feel we need to change ourselves, and loathe ourselves for not being naturally positive people. Seligman does argue there are cognitive techniques a person can use to be more positive, and less depressed, but he also indicates that people are predisposed to depression can go on to live very good, productive lives — like Churchill and Lincoln.

I took heart in that. In fact, I have a kind of new, backhanded respect for myself because I’m productive in spite of having this black curtain between me and life at times. Naturally, I wish the curtain didn’t exist.

I am so very far away from the way I looked at mental illness 20 years ago, and so far away from what I was taught about it in the ultra-conservative cowtown I grew up in.

My wife was diagnosed with depression 11 years ago and probably had it before that. My family and hers treat it as a weakness and still believe depression is mental or emotional weakness rather than a genuine clinical diagnosis. In fact her family hid her family’s history of depression from her even after diagnosis.

There has been some progress made in the church and a greater understanding of depression recently, but still a long way to go. In fairness I doubt that this attitude is unique to the lds church, but its probably more important we get it right. We have higher expectations than many churches, especially our missionaries.

I was so glad to hear Elder Holland talk in General Conference about his own experience with depression – and to hear him say explicitly that it is not a weakness from lack of faith and that it can’t be prayed away.

Members who still view it that way, especially after the open description of Pres. George Albert Smith’s continuing battle with depression in the manual about his teachings . . .

We have come a LONG way in the last few years, but, like so many things, the water hasn’t gotten to the end of every row yet.

I like Hollands advice. I think there are different brands of depression. Turin indicated the weather has an impact on him. Holland’s, and mine (as well as a member of my family) are triggered by overwork. We get ourselves into too many projects and then we have to work all the time, without a break to keep them. Holland’s advice (which was new to me) is to simply slow down. I did that about a month ago when I felt a nasty bout coming on, and so far, have avoided the need for meds.

That’s one bit of apostolic advice that hit the spot for me personally,and I’m glad he shared it.

*Background*

My mother had paralyzing bouts of depression growing up. There were 9 of us, and both of my parents were only children who pretty much raised themselves outside of the church. Us children were BIC. My parents lives were incredibly overwhelming, so on many levels I became a 3rd parent. But my father and I knew easily 8 years before my mom admitted it that she had major depression and it left a HUGE impact on my life – a blessing and a curse at the same time. I swore up, down and sideways to myself that I WAS NEVER going to deal with depression – and that if I encountered it, I was going to beat it into submission. I have come to peace with those circumstances (as much as I can at each stage in my life), and I believe I am a more polished, deeper thinker, patient person because of those experiences.

*Post*

If you have read my intro describing the last 2 years, you have a glance into the craziness that has been my life. There have been many blessings, a few “tender mercies”, and some interesting coincidences. But in the last 2 years I have been learning more about Depression’s active twin sister – Anxiety.

I have learned that there are things about my body that I cannot control – I can control my reaction to them to a certain extent (homegrown CBT therapy), and I can develop better coping mechanisms (part of learning and acknowledging my limitations has been helpful), but the bottom line was I CANNOT VANQUISH the Anxiety. It will go into “remission” for lack of a better term as I apply CBT principles in my thinking, recognize my limitations, lean on my support group, sleep, eat and take medication as needed. But the innocence I had regarding depression “never happening to me – not really” is now shattered.

I was about 2 months out from the worst of it when I took an anxiety test in a counselor’s office – and I still tested as “Severely Anxious”. So, it is a work in progress. [Hilarious side note: During the testing, I was feeling a lot better and thinking that I could “handle” the anxiety so much that I should think about not being there in the counselor’s office.]

*Things I have learned*

1. Cleaning is a helpful way to channel anxiety, but is likely to drive spouses nuts.[Quasi-kidding]

2. Peace and Anxiety are opposite ends of the spectrum. Sometimes I can choose whether I want to choose peace or choose to act on my anxiety.

3. The Lord’s peace is available to and tailored for someone like me. “Peace I give unto you.”

4. The Lord’s peace will not look like the World’s peace. “Not as the world giveth, give I unto you.” I am not entirely certain what the difference is, I can take comfort in knowing that it won’t look like what the world says is peace. I think so far it means looking inward, listening to what my body/spirit is saying, what impressions I get from God, and prioritizing my purposes. I think it means talking to people like Job did, but having the strength/wisdom to let them do their thing without malice.

I have several members of my extended family that deal with anxiety related issues – from mild to debilitating.

I feel for you AmyJ. I don’t know what I can do to help, but I do hope you find how to find a bit more peace.

I had it once, and it was caused by church problems. Went to the doctor and three weeks on anti-depressants fixed it. So I had enough of it to understand how a) it seems uncontrollable b) how it can really impact your life and c) that it’s something we need to respect in other people.

The meds really helped me though, as did the experience that triggered it. It landed me here partly, and frankly, the changes I’ve made in my relationship with the church have made me very happy compared to most of my life as a TBM….