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As I was sitting in church last week an idea came to mind and I thought I would get this forums input. I was pondering how I have been feeling lately and rereading my journal. (I’ve been trying to find ways to keep the angst low while listening in sacrament and writing in my journal seems to help.) My journal begins 3 years ago when I began a journey of freedom from addiction. I am an over eater and was led by a friend to the book, “He Did Deliver me from Bondage” by Colleen Harrison which is a 12 step program based on the teachings of the Book of Mormon. I loved this program so much that I held a discussion group with a group of my Relief Society sisters as I went through the program a second time. Most of my journal entries are related to the work I did going through this program. I was amazed at how sad, hopeless and anxious I was. I was working so hard to have a mighty change of heart and as I pondered this striving for a mighty change of heart I wondered if I was indeed experiencing just that.
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I’m wondering if many of you on this list have and are experiencing a mighty change of heart. Alma 5:7 describes it as “Behold he changed their hearts, yea, he awakened them out of a deep sleep and they awoke unto God. Behold, they were in the midst of darkness; never the less their souls were illuminated by the light of the everlasting word……”
I really feel like I have been awakened out of a deep sleep and that I was in the midst of darkness and now my soul is illuminated by words, thoughts, ideas and feelings. This change of heart has occurred in a way that I would have never predicted. How I am feeling could be seen as a loss of faith but I am losing faith in the traditions of my fathers and finding a new faith in love, family, nature and the unknown. I feel at peace with who I am becoming. I struggle with dissonance between what I hear around me and what my new heart tells me. I feel anger, hurt, confusion and resentment but I believe all of these emotions are helping me grow into a woman of God. My idea of what a Woman of God has also changed. I feel like I am constantly being taught who God is and how I can serve and align myself with him.
So while this is not the view most TBMs have of a mighty change of heart, do you think I could be on to something. I would love to hear your thoughts.
My impression is that you need to flesh out how you’re feeling a little better. On one hand, you said you felt very fulfilled given your freedom from your addiction, but then, you later mentioned you were feeling some counterpoint toward the traditions of your fathers — which I think might be the teachings of the Church? Could you describe a little more of what you’re feeling about the Church? Just so I can understand what kind of a change, with respect to what specific issues you are experiencing?
Silentdawning, Thank you for your questions. I can see that I wasn’t very clear in my description of my previous feelings. While I was going through the program I was still sad, depressed and anxious. Even though I felt that the program was very helpful and I believed it was helping me with my addiction I didn’t experience a change of heart at that time. I am still struggling with the addiction, but my feelings are changing from sadness, depression and anxiety to peace, confidence and acceptance. By letting go of the guilt and shame caused by my interpretation of the traditions of my fathers (I would say that for me the traditions of my fathers refers more to the cultural interpretations of doctrines rather than actual doctrine) I am coming to a place where I am loving myself and that seems to be where the change of heart comes in.
I am seeing the change of heart as a process, not a one time event and I am also acknowledging the presense of negative emotions along with this change. Previously I would have thought that a change of heart would only allow for positive feelings but for me the anger and resentment seem to move along the process.
So my change of heart includes love for myself, more color in the way I see goodness, and a genuine love for all of God’s creations. I’m not so stuck in the black and white of things and I am beginning to see the beauty of paradox.
Does that clarify things better? You are right. I’m sure I need to figure out exactly what I am feeling. At the moment it seems to be an underlying peace with uncertainty and frustration percolating on the surface. Feelings are complicated things.
Sorry to be a persistent pest on this one — but I’m not sure what you’re changing heart about after carefully reading your post. Is it about self-condemnation for not enjoying aspects of your Church experience? Is it related to your overeating disorder? Is it related to some expectations the Church or our church culture puts on you? I’m just curious…..so I can respond meaningfully.
canadiangirl wrote:I am seeing the change of heart as a process, not a one time event and I am also acknowledging the presense of negative emotions along with this change. Previously I would have thought that a change of heart would only allow for positive feelings but for me the anger and resentment seem to move along the process.
I agree with you, I think it is more of a process than a one time event. I think I go through enlightenment, then mists of darkness, and then enlightenment again. The process has continued to go through such stages.
canadiangirl wrote:So my change of heart includes love for myself, more color in the way I see goodness, and a genuine love for all of God’s creations. I’m not so stuck in the black and white of things and I am beginning to see the beauty of paradox.
To me, the idea that you are feeling love and goodness is the change of heart referred to in the Book of Mormon. That is an internal thing, even if the outside world hasn’t changed one bit around you.
I think you will continue to find paradoxes in your life. It is what makes this life an experience, not an event.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Quote:I am seeing the change of heart as a process, not a one time event.
It’s interesting to take a closer look at some of the people in the Book of Mormon who were described as having had a “mighty change of heart” (in their own words, btw) – based on the description of the conditions of their society even only a few years later. Self-descriptions are notoriously iffy.
I know of some people who really have had a mighty change of heart that happened quickly and apparently suddenly, but the vast majority in my own experience have been the result of a process rather than an event.
canadiangirl wrote:So my change of heart includes love for myself, more color in the way I see goodness, and a genuine love for all of God’s creations. I’m not so stuck in the black and white of things and I am beginning to see the beauty of paradox.
I think it is ABSOLUTELY a beautiful and real thing! And I also love that YOU are seeing the differences between you, and your parents. Many of previous generations did not have the emotional freedom to explore. My mother was/is that way. My father has only discovered it in the last few years…even though he went through the “disaffection process” over 30 years ago. I don’t feel the need to judge why some of us are blessed with this opportunity, and others not, but I just see it as different journeys for each of us — for some reason.
I say just enjoy your enlightenment…and don’t look back!
canadiangirl wrote:
I’m wondering if many of you on this list have and are experiencing a mighty change of heart. Alma 5:7 describes it as “Behold he changed their hearts, yea, he awakened them out of a deep sleep and they awoke unto God. Behold, they were in the midst of darkness; never the less their souls were illuminated by the light of the everlasting word……”Definitely, I have! My first memorable mighty change came when I read the Book of Mormon in 1982 at age 15. I call that my first conversion. And I call the glorious epiphany that gave me a new heaven and a new earth on October 27, 2003 my second conversion.
I love to say, “The promises are true.” Have faith. Maybe not in man, maybe not in church, maybe not in priesthood, but nevertheless, have faith in what is the deepest, clearest, purest, dearest, simplest, most obvious good to you.
It sounds like you want to speak generally about a change of heart. In that respect, a change of heart can be an event, or a process. For me, it was an event when I prayed about whether to join the Church. I prayed, had athis major confirmation, and then changed how I felt about the Church -and joined.
When I came out of semi-activity years ago, it was a process. The gentle wearing away of doubt and negative attitudes came from listening to the heart-felt comments of people in the Sunday School lessons, as well as the kindness that some people showed me.
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