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This past Sunday around 5 pm. a new bishop unexpectantly knocked on our door. We have never met or talked to this man before. We have been inactive for almost 5 years now since a horrible incident with the old bishop among other reasons. We had a few visits from missionaries, an older couple, and a home teacher in those 5 years but they have mostly left us alone which we were happy about. We have been attending a local United Church of Christ the past 2 years where I teach an adult Sunday school class. We have never taken our names off the records of the church (mainly to keep our extended families happy and not harrassing us-this gives them hope we might return someday). Anyway, this new bishop was very nice but I was in my P.J’s and tired, so I told my husband to just send him away. Well, my husband let him in and talked to him for about an hour. I just stayed in my bedroom because I was just not ready to get into anything with a new bishop. This new bishop said he just wanted to introduce himself and get to know us. Eventually, it got into discussion why we left the church. My husband explained how he never got a witness to the Book of Mormon as Moroni promised, did not believe in the Priesthood and its power because of personal experiences and because of bad experiences in the temple. My husband said I had other reasons for leaving the church and felt a huge betrayal. He told this bishop not to get me started on Joseph Smith as there is alot that bothered me in that area. Also, that I had had bad experiences in the temple as well. Amazingly, he told the bishop that he felt the death oaths, and other oaths made in the temple were an abomination to him. He did not mention he felt like he was going to a Klu Klux Klan meeting the first time he went through the temple. We barely touched on all the other reasons but told him we did not want any home teachers or missionaries to come by. My husband did share our bad experience with the old bishop and this new bishop agreed we should not have been treated this way and was sorry about that. My husband told this new bishop, “You really would not want us in the ward because we would probably shake people’s testimonies and we did not want to do that as our crisis of faith was so hard.”
All in all, this bishop was very kind and understanding. I did send him an email the next day apologizing for not meeting him but that I was just not ready to talk to a new bishop at this time. He send me a nice email back again apoligizing for how we were treated for having doubts and questions. He said if there was anything he could ever do for us to please contact him. I wrote back and told him that the one thing he could do for me is to watch John Dehlin’s utube presentation on why good people leave the church. I told him that if he could teach members how to treat those in the church who have doubts, struggles, questions, or leave with respect, then there would be less hurt and bitterness. Have not heard back from him yet but I was glad to have the opportunity to share with this bishop how to treat those like us on this group.
He sounds like a good man. If he can hear the message and incorporate it into his time as Bishop, it will be a great thing. I am very pleased that this new Bishop came to see you without pressure or blame but just to know you better. I know that some Bishops are not very good at all. When you have a bad bishop it is cold comfort that good bishops exist. OTOH, some bishops are wonderful and the fact that they juggle their church responsibilities with work and family is simply amazing.
Sounds like a good visit and message from a family who has decided to attend a different church. Did your husband share that you attend/joined a different church? One thing that stuck out for me was the fact that the new Bishop apologized for the behavior of the old Bishop. I had a similar situation when a Bishop apologized for the actions of an LDS Social Services counselor involved in an adoption. It was nice that the Bishop felt the behavior was wrong, but for some reason it felt hollow. It’s easy to apologize for the actions of another person, as there is no humility, no restitution usually, etcetera. However, I suppose having it come from the new Bishop means a bit more, as he was apologizing for the behavior of the former Bishop in your Ward, which then means a greater welcome and relationship with that Ward again, since the new Bishop is in power.
I’m glad he came out though. And I hope he watches the video on Why Mormons Leave the Church and that he is kind to everyone who has doubts.
I’ve been through the bad bishop and good bishop thing more than once. This guy seems to be one of the good ones. I’m not a huge believer in inspiration, but I do believe it does happen and this looks like it might be one of those times. That he listened and wasn’t judgmental (and didn’t call anyone to repentance) is important. He did reach out of his own accord and I don’t think he should be dismissed just because of his title. Like SD, I have been apologized to by a SP for the behavior of a bishop – and I agree it feels hollow because one can’t really apologize on behalf of another, especially when it is fairly apparent the one being apologized for isn’t really sorry (and isn’t apologizing himself). However, I do think the apology from the other was sincere on his part.
Thanks for everyone’s comments and I agree that he seems like a good man. Don’t necessarily like someone knocking at my door without calling first as we have so many scam sales people and crimminals at times, but I am sure we would not have let him come if he had called first. I did not even want to invite him in but my husband did. Before I emailed him, I did do a google search about him and found his email address. Here is what it said about him: I am a licensed and experienced realtor serving the cities of Daytona Beach, Port Orange, New Smyrna Beach, Ormond Beach, Ponce Inlet, and many other exciting areas. (He just retired in June of 2014) which is good for him being a bishop and for his family.)
I understand the importance of family, and the desire to provide the very best for your family. I became a Real Estate Agent because I enjoy helping people. I believe home ownership should be more than just a dream; it should be a reality. Finding that perfect place, so your family can make it a HOME, is my # 1 priority.
I graduated Magna Cum Laude from Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University in Daytona Beach. I served in the United States Army and have had a great career in the Federal Government as an Air Traffic Controller. I married my best friend right out of high school. She is now a Retired Elementary School Teacher from the Volusia County School System. We have four children; Chris, Lori, Shaun and Lisa. Chris is an officer in the United States Army; he flies Apache Helicopters and has served in Iraq and Afghanistan. He is married and has four children. Lori married a real Cowboy from Utah, and they also have four children. Shaun served a two-year mission for our church, attended BYU, & works for Disney. Lisa’s Husband is also an officer in the United States Army.
The unannounced visit thing does seem to be something many Mormons like to do, but sometimes it does have a plus side – as you said, if he called you probably wouldn’t have let him come. I see in my own area a much more accepting attitude of those who question and doubt by the leadership – I think it is being encouraged from above. You’re still members of the church, which means you have chosen not to have your names removed nor have you been ex’ed. To a new guy that’s an indication that you still have some connection with the church, perhaps nothing more than a very faint desire to want it to be something. I don’t see the bishop’s visit as an attempt to do anything else but love his neighbor – a truly great commandment. It looks like he didn’t serve a mission and one of his four kids did. That’s not good or bad on its own, but he might be more understanding than some. Well, my husband really liked the spirit of the man and I think you are right jedi that he just is trying to show love. Being in real estate and the army you have to learn a little about how to deal with people. It would be nice to have a bishop who has actually struggled with doubt about the church and could understand that struggle. Have never met one of those yet. Have there ever been GA’s or top lds leaders in history or modern times who have struggled with their testimonies or doubted and questioned? Pres. Uchtdorf: Quote:There are few members of the Church who, at one time or another, have not wrestled with serious or sensitive questions.
Is there information out there of how many early church leaders questioned/doubted and then left the church? I don’t mind friendly unannounced visits. With how hard it is to reach people these days (ironic when technology makes people available anytime, anywhere), I wouldn’t get anything done if I didn’t just show up half the time. Unfriendly, unannounced visits, now that is another story. I hate being ambushed. But this begs a question — from a former HPGL who visited about 200 homes during his term…do these visits really make a difference? Are they worth the effort? Most visits ended the way Bridget’s did — with the priesthood leader having a better understanding of the family, but no real change (and I don’t fault you for that Bridget).
It seems like highly ineffificent use of time if you are a TBM trying to bring people back into activity.
My thoughts are that if I ever end up in leadership again, my focus will be on making the programs good. Make church something really worthwhile to attend, and have strong relationships. Invest in the people and the programs that already exist, and keep those strong. When less active people show up spontaneously (as they often do), they will be more likely to re-engage with the church and the people because they see the gospel in true action. For me, when I go back to our own Ward, I see the same mediocre programs, with the same, largely uncommitted, unprepared people, and for my trouble, get to pay a huge tithing bill.
Compare that to the Ward I attended 10 years ago…I was in less activity, came to Church and was totally inspired by the programs, the people, the Spirit I felt and full re-engaged as a result. Its strange that with our culture of Corporate America (centralization of authority, policy, decision-making, etcetera) we don’t see the “business results” in it, such as really good, quality programs at the local level.
SD, you said, Quote:…do these visits really make a difference? Are they worth the effort? Most visits ended the way Bridget’s did — with the priesthood leader having a better understanding of the family, but no real change
I believe that
Quote:having a better understanding of the family
is real change. You can’t get understanding or change, especially as a Bishop, without
talking to people & having an open mind. For our family, it wasn’t a Bishop’s visit but getting a new HT who wanted to listen more than doing the talking.
We had good HT’s & VT’s over the years but this guy was different & I can’t completely define why.
In the hands of an inspired (minority) open-minded Bishop, maybe that’s real change. In my estimation, normally person who visits you reports it to the PEC or Ward Council and you get written off in a sentence like “he got offended” or “they lost their testimonies” or something similar. There is no confidentiality in the church. I personally believe the visits have limited value.
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