A new kind of judgmentalism — comments?

[Anonymous]

One thing these discussions have done is helped me see what a judgmental person I was as a result of Mormon culture. I was judgmental about gays, about socialists, about people who refused callings, about people who didn’t hold TR’s, who didn’t do their home teaching, and about people who made criminal mistakes or even were just plain dishonest. I very much “wrote them off”.

I now see how that was wrong, and often based on incomplete information.

However, I still have what I feel is judgmentalism in my heart. Maybe you can help me temper it or change it, or maybe I should just leave it as it is?

It has to do with people who I consider to have “weak execution”. These are the people who can’t seem to meet a deadline even when life is going well. People who make promises, and then never deliver — consistently. People who take on assignments, and then dump them back on you after they agree to them. People who leave a job half-done or of poor quality because “its too much effort” to do it well. And I don’t mean to rabid high standards either — I mean finished in a way that is merely functional or useable. They are often the ones who attend meetings, but seem to see themselves as an Advisory Board to the “doers” on the committee. They will join in an “advisory capacity” or for “input only”, expecting everyone else to do all the work.

I find these kinds of people frustrating. I find it hard to see what they contribute to society, to projects, etcetera, and — if I may speak frankly — I find I don’t have a lot of respect for them. For example, I don’t really want to work with them, and if I know they are that way, I don’t even want them on any committee or council I work with. If I want opinion, I’ll invite them to a specific meeting that requires it.

This was an epidemic in most Wards in the church when I was a leader there, and I see it everywhere — in paid, unpaid, and church contexts.

So, how do you overcome this kind of judgmentalism. I know this sounds harsh — but what value do people who do little or nothing bring to society?

Help me see. I have a feeling my understanding or judgmentalism in this respect is something I need to work on.

[Anonymous]

We the willing

lead by the unknowing

are doing the impossible

for the ungrateful.

We have done so much

for so long

with so little

we are now qualified to to anything

with nothing.

[Anonymous]

Quote:

“In the quiet heart is hidden sorrows that the eye can’t see.”

Quote:

“Be gentle with everyone you meet. They are struggling in ways you can’t see.” (or whatever the exact quote is)

Everyone does the best they can, even when it isn’t the best they or we think they can do. One of the core aspects of charity is “long-suffering” – and “suffer” sometimes means “allow”. (“Suffer the children to come unto me.”) I believe God “suffers” both in watching us stumble along AND in allowing us to stumble along – without stepping in and dictating to us AND without insisting we do now what we only will be able to to eventually.

One of the reasons why I absolutely LOVE the concept of eternal progression is the implication that being and becoming “godly” is acquiring and exercising the type of loving patience that teaches us to teach ideals but accept practical reality. Thus, the only thing I believe that can eliminate the type of judgmentalism you describe is the acquisition of true charity – including the willingness to “suffer” in all its divine forms.

[Anonymous]

I’ve thought of these reasons….I have trouble accepting that learning patience in this regard is a wonderful journey, though. Here’s my reason

People with weak execution (I’m talking about healthy people, with no extenuating circumstances)…

1. They use a lot of my time orienting, training, and getting them set up to do whatever they have volunteered to do — often, for naught in terms of results. So, when someone comes to me and wants to volunteer, my initial reaction is one of questioning — will they follow through? Does this person represent an investment of a couple hours of my time, emails, and other things, that will be for no results?

2. Often, they bail, and so the work falls on me — it causes a lot of stress, dislocation of my life and family, etcetera. At times, it has affected my health, and certainly my personal well-being.

3. I no longer feel I can trust them. They fall off the the “go to” list when there is a need for something to be done.

As I reflected on my opening question, I thought of the Gallup Strengthsfinder Personality test (like Myers Briggs). The creators claim that personality characteristics fall into four domains — Relationship Building, Execution, Influencing and Strategic thinking.

The only thing I can think of is that they may not be “doers” (good at Execution), but perhaps they have strengths in the other three domains. Maybe they are good with getting to know people, influencing them to do something, and then pass them on to a group or committee that needs them. Or maybe they are great at coming up with ideas and plans, or learning, but not with actual implementation.

Finally, I think the underlying premise is that the value of a healthy person with few (any) extenuating circumstances has value in what they contribute. As Jesus said — the tree that doesn’t bear fruit, is cut down.

Is this a fair premise on which to assess the value of a person’s contribution in this life?

[Anonymous]

Forgive now what is coming out of my mouth – but I would never like to work with you.

I deliver, I am great at execution and am often sought after, and I am reliable. I have lived long enough to learn, that every person has value. Just because they don’t live up to your expectations doesn’t mean they have no value and should be cut down.

Volunteerism is a crap shoot at best, any where and every where.

The church is one big knot of unskilled volunteers. Unlike my neighbor across the street whose church has sign up sheets for callings/assignments – we don’t. Yes we have some lousy experiences – but we also have some fantastic ones. We take chances on a blind leap and often people grow. That’s pretty cool.

If I could give you a piece of sincere advice – start looking at people as someone of worth, try to find their heart, their dreams, their desires and see what you can do to help them – with no strings attached for you. Then you are truly giving. As I read all of your posts that’s who you want to be the champion of change.

[Anonymous]

I think I’ll PM you on the first line in the post above Mom3….

I will say that one antidote to the problem of not thinking as well of people who are not strong in execution, who repeatedly agree to things, but don’t follow through, who really aren’t doing their best — etcetera — is that you don’t know where else they are contributing in their lives. They may well be contributing at home in extraordinary ways. They may be struggling with a lack of faith in their abilities. In a couple instances, I found they are enthusiastic about a particular venture, but when they got into the full experience of actually doing it, they realized that it wasn’t what they expected, and they quit. At one time, I found I didn’t orient them well enough for them to “count the cost” given the other commitments they have in their lives and they couldn’t handle the time commitment.

I think all these factors, when viewed with love, can temper the kind of judgmentalism I’m talking about.

On things’s for sure, I’m going to keep trying to assemble teams with people who follow-through, whatever I can do within my power through the wise use of power and leadership. I agree, it is a crap shoot, but I also believe there is much leaders can do in order to increase the probability of successful execution.

[Anonymous]

I can relate to what SD is saying. I have as a general rule that the majority of folks that I deal with at church are somewhere between occasionally unreliable to unreliable. And when you are put in areas of responsibility, some with even legal ramifications such as scouting and having enough leaders at events, it does wear on you. I feel rather worn right now. I do know some folks that are very reliable, but they seem to be very few and far between. Often the most capable get sucked into work commitments also.

Dang – one day after thanksgiving and I am already talking un-graciously.

[Anonymous]

Quote:

Forgive now what is coming out of my mouth – but I would never like to work with you.

It is daylight now and I see where that was too strongly worded. I am just 10 days shy of recovery from a surgery in early October and I am a might bit testy. In the spirit of good conversation I will try my statement differently.

SD – I have never met you in person, I don’t know your real life style, but I have heard you express frustration about your experiences as a volunteer and as a leader. I volunteer a lot and I organize volunteering a lot – love of the people has to be at the heart of any success. Sometimes that seems missing when I read your posts.

You write

Quote:

. I agree, it is a crap shoot, but I also believe there is much leaders can do in order to increase the probability of successful execution.

The wisdom of Solomon applies to this “Where there is no vision, the people perish.” Vision is not just a set of instructions or guidelines it’s more. Vision is helping others find the joy in their efforts. Even if they didn’t “get it” as fully as you imagined, your sincere praise and love for them will bring more success in the long run than just getting the thing done.

Love SD is the key in my experience.

[Anonymous]

I agree there should be love. I think that is what prevents me from being blunt with people when they don’t follow through on commitments. That I too make mistakes etcetera…I don’t show my feelings, I bring the conversation to a “soft landing” with a neutral comment. Or I point out how we compensated for their not showing up.

But I have to confess, I think love without standards is just wishy washy when it happens repeatedly. Case in point.

I organized an event for Small Business Saturday this weekend. . American Express gave us several hundred dollars worth of promotional materials — high quality tote bags, window signage, a banner, pet bananas, balloons, and high quality doormats. We also invested money in a rewards program for spending in an economically depressed area, as well as entertainment that cost a few hundred dollars.

A volunteer said she would take the american express materials off our hands and store them until we needed them since they were about the size of refrigerator when stacked on top of each other.

Today is Small Business Saturday — early in the week I texted, phoned, and left voice mail repeatedly to coordinate return of the materials, and finalize this volunteers’ role on Small Business Saturday — to determine how she would like to contribute (if at all) on the day of. She had indicated she wanted to be part of the event previously.

I got a text after 5 days of silence that a week ago her daughter went into labor. She was happy her daugter had a healthy baby, is fine herself. The volunteer also tells me she is in a city 3 hours away. She will not be in town for another week. Sorry, she said, sounds like you’ll have to do it without me. I learned this last night, at about 8:00 pm, and I had to be at business operator’s places this morning starting at 8:30 am.

I made the point — um…what about all the materials you were storing for us? We have promised 6 business operators that we would supply them with these materials, and showing up empty handed will be a huge blow to our credibility to the local business community. As well as the trust we are trying to establish. And we have a huge event in the evening where we need the materials…can you help us figure out how to pull this of without the materials?

Now I ask — when we make commitments to people, and emergencies happen – does it mean our phone goes dead? That life gives us license to abdicate from all items to which we may have agreed? That we leave people hanging, with financial implications involved? I have been in emergencies before, family hospitalized, and there are huge stretches of dead time when you are waiting. There is email on your phone, or at the hospital where you can make alternate arrangements for commitments you made, or give organizers’ time to find a replacement.

This is the sort of experience that I have, that yes, causes frustration, but it also makes me no longer trust people with future events, or even have them on committees. It means they can’t be trusted.

[Anonymous]

Great illustration of your point. My service and volunteer experiences are smaller than yours. I see your frustration much more clearly now. Many of us volunteer in many areas, but the carrot that keeps us there is the key.

I don’t envy your job. I apologize for my judgment. If and when you find a solution I hope you will share it with us, we may need your tools in our lives at some point.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Thanks Mom3 — my solution to the problem after repeated experiences like these with multiple volunteers over the years is this — don’t put mission critical resources in their sole care. Or if you must, have some backup in case they become inaccessible. With paperwork, you can give them the originals but keep copies, or vice versa.

With expensive resources, keep control of them yourself, or put them into public storage (if there is one) where you can get access to them if necessary.

I can cite at least 3 times this has happened to me as I’ve tried to show trust and empowerment of people by giving them custody of critical resources — after I’m convinced its a wise decision. But when the costs are great, you have to maintain a certain level of control. Even if you get perceived as controlling or lacking trust. The costs are too great otherwise.

[Anonymous]

For the people that agree to things but don’t follow through: Learning to say “no” is a skill. It is difficult for some. Some people can’t do it.

Here’s a possible glimpse into their perspective: They have begrudgingly accepted the invitation to do something but they have absolutely no passion to do it. They may have only accepted the invitation out of guilt or social pressure. They may have accepted the invitation because they do not know how to say no. The lack of enthusiasm translates over to completing the task, I’m sure if they were asked to do something that they were passionate about then you’d see stark differences in the results. They are unable to complete the task or they complete it but recognize that they didn’t put in their best effort. They spend the next several days beating themselves up for having “failed” which only makes them more susceptible to falling into the same trappings when carrying out the next task that doesn’t meet their passions.

As far as people being reliable at church… a lot of them probably got an assignment that they simply don’t like. I’m going to divorce myself from the subject to illustrate what I’m trying to get at. Let’s say you have two children, one with a plate of broccoli in front of them, the other with a plate of pizza. Are we going to call the kid with the plate of broccoli an unreliable eater? I think the real issue is that we just put the wrong food in front of them. What might make our mischaracterization worse is if some kid that for some inexplicable reason loooooves broccoli comes along and cleans the broccoli kid’s plate off for them. It might further entrench us in thinking that something must have been wrong with the kid that didn’t eat their broccoli.

Church can be hard because for some of us kids all the requisite assignments can look like plates of broccoli. Think of the introvert, what callings are good fits for them?

Burnout is also a factor. A person may have been reliable in the past but today they are “done”… and the fun thing about burnout is that who knows how long it takes to get over?

---

So everything so far was my initial reaction but I went back and read the rest of the thread. The thread took a slightly different direction. Points on the new direction the thread took:

1) There’s a difference between soliciting volunteers (or even pressuring people into volunteering) and when people volunteer themselves. You would think that the people that volunteer themselves without being asked are doing so because they already have that passion.

2) As you said, people might feel a strong desire to contribute but not appreciate the level of effort required to do some things. That would also extend to people that want certain responsibilities so they can feel important – they might get in over their heads.

2) Emergencies do throw a huge monkey wrench into the works. Emergencies understandably contribute toward slipping on fulfilling responsibilities but I also think that emergencies go a long way to contributing to burnout. Time is a limited resource so it stands to reason that time dedicated to volunteer efforts is the first to suffer when priorities shift.

I realize this isn’t always the answer, especially in the scenario you outlined, but it can often be the answer in church where failure to carry out an assignment often isn’t that serious. Don’t do the things that others are failing to do, let the assignment go undone. If a job gets done with no effort from the non-contributor the non-contributor won’t have much of an incentive to start contributing- someone else will come along and get things done. They learn that they don’t have to do anything.

I don’t have it in me to lead people, in my life I’ll only ever be able to fill the role of frustrating leaders by flaking on something or other. That said, if I were a leader I’d might have to factor in a lot of wiggle room. I’d struggle because I’m a perfectionist, but I’d have to enter into the responsibility of being a leader fully accepting that the group is going to move from imperfection to imperfection. As an EQP I’d probably frustrate the snot out of a SP.

SP: Your elders had 23% HT last month.

Me: I know. Isn’t it great that 23% of the people got visited last month.

[Author]

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