A Venting Session: Being Inauthentic

[Anonymous]

I’m tired of being inauthentic with those I love.

I’m really questioning how I can stay LDS…but I have no alternative, for the time being, with my situation with my family. Coming clean to them, even in the slightest way, is not an option.

I’m inactive. I don’t want to go back. There, I said it.

I don’t believe much of the Mormon-specific doctrine.

I feel like I’m going crazy not being myself.

I’m tired of living in fear that my friends are going to find out my true feelings about the Church or that I’m inactive.

I feel like I’m living a lie.

I don’t want to lose my friendships or become someone they don’t trust anymore.

I don’t want to disappoint everyone.

But I feel like there is the impending doom. There’s no way out of this. I’m going to lose no matter what happens.

I don’t know if this is the best thing to post at “Stay LDS” but I don’t feel comfortable joining a more critical site.

I’m trapped in a box that keeps getting smaller.

I would try to get away from Mormondom completely to take a break, but I live in Utah, and the LDS Church impacts so much of my daily life and my loved ones.

I feel like this everyday, but it feels like nothing changes. I feel the same. It’s not getting worse, but it’s surely not getting better.

[Anonymous]

I’ll just sum up – Oh Holy C##p.

Immediate answers don’t come to me yet. The two thoughts that crossed my mind was reaching out to Dan Wotherspoon, he runs a podcast Mormon Matters, he is athiest/agnostic – but practicing has been for a while, resides in Utah. He may have some good pointers.

The second thought was try to come up with what you do enjoy in life, what spiritual things still exist. Begin to write them down, keep the list handy and add to it. It won’t fix your Mormon struggle but it may give you breathing room. Ideas like, serving a meal at a homeless shelter, hiking in the mountains and communing with nature, building or creating things. All of these are Godly. Star there. Put the what you can’t deal with aside, even for a while each day.

And check in, every day if need be. We love conversation, even a good vent.

[Anonymous]

university wrote:

I would try to get away from Mormondom completely to take a break, but I live in Utah, and the LDS Church impacts so much of my daily life and my loved ones.

I feel like this everyday, but it feels like nothing changes. I feel the same. It’s not getting worse, but it’s surely not getting better.

Any chance you can move to a new neighborhood/area in Utah? You’d be anonymous in a new ward’s boundaries and it could give you the space you need to step back, reset and focus on what matters to you.

I’d like to think God understands our situation and doesn’t expect us to take on more than we can handle.

[Anonymous]

This is a tough one, and really I don’t think anyone has a silver bullet answer. Here are some ramblings that might give you some additional things to think about. My first thought is that a good strategy is to quit letting the church be a third party or silent partner in your relationships. It’s tough because so many church members do this. The church almost becomes a proxy for the relationship. Rather than actually relating, people assume they are on the same page about these unspoken assumptions, and every interaction becomes about the church association on a fundamental level. That’s not really being authentic either. But I’ve been practicing just being friendly and open with everyone I actually want a relationship with (which is not a huge list, BTW, because you’ll see that life is too short for some relationships). That means relating on common points rather than “coming out” about what we don’t really have in common.

Another thought I had is that younger people are almost obsessed with the virtue of “authenticity,” but older generations are very enamored with “duty” and respect for authority. Those are kind of incompatible virtues, or at least they often conflict. In short, not everyone thinks that authenticity is important or even valuable, and some of the people you may think you want to relate to don’t value it.

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I’m inactive. I don’t want to go back. There, I said it.

Tons of Mormons relate to this sentiment. I would say do what you feel is best, and people will deal.

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I don’t want to lose my friendships or become someone they don’t trust anymore.

You will lose some friendships, but that’s part of life.

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I don’t want to disappoint everyone.

Ultimately you have to live your own life, own your own choices, and quit seeking approval. Seeking approval is a heavy burden that you will feel freer for letting go.

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But I feel like there is the impending doom. There’s no way out of this. I’m going to lose no matter what happens.

Growing up includes loss.

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I don’t know if this is the best thing to post at “Stay LDS” but I don’t feel comfortable joining a more critical site.

This is a fine thing to post here, and we’re glad you are here.

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I’m trapped in a box that keeps getting smaller.

The box isn’t really there.

Again, these aren’t real answers, so don’t mistake them for that. They are just thoughts on the things you said. I do think the key to enduring to the end within the church is to quit caring about approval and to find the good common ground. But I can also say that when I was in my 20s before I had kids, it was often incredibly unpleasant, and I would have taken a break. There are different seasons to life.

[Anonymous]

This probably isn’t the best thing to say, but “this is the place.” We don’t judge people for wanting to leave the church. We don’t even judge them if they actually leave. Come here and be authentic. See if it helps.

[Anonymous]

My thoughts — find a new circle of people you can be friends with OUTSIDE the church. They can be members, but when you work with them in non-church contexts it’s different. And the more non-members that are involved in this extra-church community/project the better.

I am in that situation right now. I have several musical groups I work with. There are Mormons in two of them, and we NEVER talk about the church unless I bring it up. Authenticity is not an issue because I never have to confront church issues with which I disagree in these contexts. Each group has its own culture, independent of the church. All discussion is about business, rehearsal, “personnel”, logistics. The people I attract in the groups tend to have religious or professional backgrounds, but are not Mormon — so the good character is there. I spend a lot of time with them, and they are my friends. I don’t feel I need any friends at church as a result.

I also commit time to serving the community — none of these people are Mormons, and they fill up my life with engagement and interesting work — far more interesting than the repetitive and often, unimaginative service we are expected to do in Mormonism. And its been good because I learned that the problems we see in church exist in all organizations. Makes the church seem less irritating and easier to tolerate. At the same time, its easier to shrug the problems in these non-church organizations off, because these organizations don’t expect me to sign over my retirement savings in tithing, don’t claim to be inspired with a perfect organization, and don’t exert the same social pressure for me to conform to attitudes and behavior I don’t support. Their warts are MUCH easier to accept, and I find it much easier to lower my expectations of them compared to volunteers in the church.

And, at Church, I don’t have to be authentic and ruin my relationships there. I have my sanitized excuses for not being involved at Church. I am kind of alone at church, sit at the back in meetings and read my Kindle, and then leave. But that, at least keeps my family intact, the TBM people in my family happier than if I came out with naked authenticity.

And by the way, I get offers to accept callings that require a TR even now — in spite of my inner angst toward the church. That means my options are entirely open to return should my daughter get married in the temple, I receive a visitation by angels on my own road to Damascus (I’m exaggerating) or some other life event that changes my perspective about the church. You never know what the future holds.

So, my advice – find new pastures to satisfy your need for friendship with good-hearted people. This strategy could reduce the number of inauthentic moments in your life, potentially, satisfy your need for friendship, bring you peace, and reduce angst. Kind of like how you stop thinking about an old girlfriend, even though you see each other every week, because you have a new girlfriend that fills up your mental space and meets your needs. And you know that old girlfriend is there for you if you ever want to go back to her

Coming out with what you truly think at Church will only create more angst if you want your church-related relationships to exist in a church-context. It will likely destroy many of them. Plus relationships at home, if you have a TBM spouse or relatives.

[Anonymous]

The other thing to bear in mind is that there is an overton window effect in groups. If you are in a group of like-minded individuals you have a tendency to stay within the bounds of that group in terms of how you express yourself. It’s difficult to be the outlier. But there’s a risk if you go to a like-minded group that you don’t challenge your thinking (an echo chamber). That’s another reason I think it’s good to listen and be curious more than to declare your own feelings and beliefs.

[Anonymous]

I think many of us have been in that pit where we don’t see a way out. I know I have. Like Hawk said, there is no silver bullet, but like she also said the pit isn’t really there – it sure seems real at the time, though.

What I sense you are seeking is peace. That has to come from within and won’t come if we’re focused on the negative. Try focusing a bit more on what you do believe as opposed to what you don’t believe. May you find the peace you seek.

[Anonymous]

I know how you feel, I have been on that road. All I can say is keep walking, when we look for ways to make things better we can find them. It doesn’t come quickly, it takes work and patience, but things can improve – one degree at a time.

A major difficulty of life is trying to share life experiences with people that see or express things in a fundamentally different way than we do.

I am also one that gets a lot out of some of the Mormon Matters podcasts:

mom3 wrote:

The two thoughts that crossed my mind was reaching out to Dan Wotherspoon, he runs a podcast Mormon Matters, he is athiest/agnostic – but practicing has been for a while, resides in Utah. He may have some good pointers.

I can’t help but plugging my own two cents here in an attempt to clarify. I’m sure Dan wouldn’t flinch at being called agnostic (on second thought I may be wrong about that), but he has expressed many times experiences and views of spiritual things that in my mind easily disqualify him from being atheist. I know your comment wasn’t intended as it came across to me, I just wanted to say I feel Dan is a lot like me in many ways, he is probably even more spiritual in many ways – at least he talks of spiritual experiences that had a profound effect on him while I struggle to come up with many specific examples in my life. “There is something more” than what science can prove to us is something I hear him say over and over. That to me is not something that most atheists would be comfortable saying.

[Anonymous]

university – I second and third the suggestions that you check out MormonMatters with Dan W. It’s not just Dan, although he’s great, but the sheer number of guests on the podcast make me realize that the church is much more diverse than I thought.

[Anonymous]

Orson – Good point

Quote:

but he has expressed many times experiences and views of spiritual things that in my mind easily disqualify him from being atheist.

I was typing fast and didn’t think.

I too believe Dan has a strong spiritual underpinning. He can do things with scripture I hadn’t even thought of, but even more than tenets, his heart is and style are spiritual. Thanks for clarifying.

Now back to the university.

[Anonymous]

I like DJ’s comment about the overarching goal here — finding inner peace. I’m at a reasonable peace now with the church. I still have problems to deal with related to the church, but I no longer feel angry, or resentful. You need to get to that point where you are in a different place with the church — where you acknowledge it in your life, that it has been a big part of your life’s experience, and that you are comfortable with it there.

I found this happened over time. So, by posting here, developing your own philosophy and objectives regarding the church over the long run, you could develop something that allows you to co-exist with this.

My questions —

1. What are your long-term objectives with the church?

2. What are your objectives regarding relationships that are entwined with your church experience?

3. How will being authentic affect these objectives?

4. If the effect conflicts with your objectives, what alternatives can you consider?

[Anonymous]

University – I am going to add to Silent Dawnings list.

On a religious or theological direction –

* What do you at present believe? I

* Do you find comfort in Christ, God, or Diety?

* Of any of the above – what parts of their teachings/philosophy can you relate to?

These are good places to assess your spiritual comfort. If this is too hard, what do you value?

*Helping others

*Hard work

*Social support

*Education

Most of us here have been where you are, we get it, keep talking, we will listen.

[Anonymous]

You are correct, you can’t live with all that inside you and pretend nothing is wrong. I also don’t think you can just do nothing, and it will fix itself.

Quote:

Matt 6:24 – No man can serve two masters

Being authentic and defining what you do and don’t believe is important.

I think you make choices, and you will find you can grow and be OK with whatever you choose.

Here is my advice:

1) You can’t make everyone else happy, so drop that and realize you want to be happy…and others will appreciate being around a happy soul;

2) Don’t make it harder on yourself than you need to…going around telling everyone…”I don’t believe any of this” is forcing them to react. Don’t feel you have to put it in everyone’s face what you believe.

3) Just find the one or two adjustments this week you can try…and see if those make you feel more authentic to yourself. Hold on to the things in the church you do like, or you think should stretch you even if you don’t love it (you need some things to stretch you…just not stupid things you do for others because you are trying to please them but they make you feel hollow…get rid of those).

4) Trade up. If you find something you don’t like, replace it with something that is good for you. IF you stop going to church, can you do service for people? IF you stop paying tithing, can you donate goods to charity? IF you stop attending third hour, can you walk in the solitude of nature and feel spiritually still?

5) Compartmentalize. There are some things you don’t believe. Begin feeling comfortable not believing them, and not caring if others know you don’t believe them (Wow, revelations, angels, Book of Abraham, etc). But…you do believe in love and Christ’s gospel message. If you compartmentalize, you can focus on the good, and ignore the bad.

6) Be open to your spirit. You can begin to say “I don’t believe” and stop going to church. But I bet in 5 years from now you will start to think “well…it’s not that I don’t believe…it’s that I don’t believe this, or that.” Realize you are going through a process, and step 1 is starting to say you don’t believe it all. Step 2 is finding out what you do and don’t believe, and you may return to many things with a new view of it in a few years from now. Be open to that.

Honestly, if I were you…I’d stop going to church for a few weeks, and see how you feel. Sometimes absence makes the heart grow founder of what you miss about church. Sometimes, absence clarifies things you don’t miss at all.

When people ask why you skip, just say “I’m going through things right now…trying to figure it out. Life is hard.” Everyone understands that.

But you can’t stay stuck doing nothing. Even venting won’t help resolve that…you have to be ready to make some choices.

[Anonymous]

Old Thread but thought I would reply to say thanks for all the responses. I read them all when they came in.

As of now, I’m inactive. I don’t go to Church but I will for special events. My best friend knows I have doubts but I confuse her and she’s not going to pick up the subject (hallelujah!) One other TBM friends knows I don’t attend Church but doesn’t know I doctrinal issues. The rest of my TBM friends think I’m just like them: going to Church, strong testimony, etc. Apparently, I give off a very “Mormon” vibe, although recently people have been mistaking me for a non-member.

I have some non-member friends that know I don’t go to Church. I don’t discuss my religious views much with them but I will answer their questions about Mormonism.

I’m being far more authentic in my life, so that’s great. I still can’t be in certain friendships and with my family. I’m trying to sort out the situation with my mom. I don’t want to hurt her because I love her so dearly. At the time being, it also wouldn’t be good for her well-being for me to hint at anything.

I feel like this has been my worst nightmare, tailor-fit for me. The only silver lining I can find at the moment is that when I come out of the rabbit hole (and I do think/hope I will), I’ll be able to say I survived one of my worst fears becoming a reality. Hopefully I’ll be a more loving and empathetic person, as well.

Thanks again for all the support.

[Author]

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