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This post is neither a judgement nor an indictment. It’s a friend reaching out. There is a new trend in relationship infidelity that is on the rise and we here who live lives of secrecy online are susceptible to it. It’s called “emotional affair”. Most often the people involved connect mostly through online mediums, texts, private chat groups, secret emails. In most cases physical intimacy never happens, but emotional intimacy and betrayal does. It’s easy to have a relationship of this type and not feel guilty. No one knows. You were always available to spouse and family, yet on the side you got your inner aches and pains assuaged. In some cases the two people know each other, but choose to remain online connected. In other cases they rarely if ever meet.
I have a friend who has just experienced this betrayal. Like any betrayal it is devastating. Also like any betrayal there is a lot to unpack on both sides.
My reason for caution is 2 fold.
Most of us here are keeping stuff tucked in. I love this forum and the assistance it gives, but none of you would know me if you walked past me. That means my spouse may not know me if he found me here (he does know who I am out here).
2nd – It’s easy once you’ve crossed a private line to find privacy even more helpful. In the long run it maybe more damaging. For this couple it began with forums, then closed/private facebook groups, eventually grew to private online privacy.
Take extra care if you are looking for extra support. Connect in safe places. Connect with people of your gender. Remember your spouse.
I think this is wise to keep a sharp lookout for what mom is saying. I have heard some take this to an extreme and say, “if you have a good event at work and you tell someone else other than your spouse first, you are committing emotional adultery.” Whaaaa? But I do agree with mom that it is something you can slip into if you are not checking yourself. Back a few months ago when I was able to meet face to face with one of the members on this forum, I wasn’t going to meet her alone. Luckily her wonderful husband came along. It wasn’t because I was worried I about attraction overpowering my will and it certainly wasn’t because I have a irresistible resemblance to Brad Pitt! I am closer to my picture on the right than Brad! I did it because if (when?) I tell my wife it would be SOOOO much harder to explain – or maybe more for her to trust – that there was none of that going on. I also have made sure I wasn’t in constant contact since then. I think I only sent one text in 3 months.
Sorry to hear about your friend mom. I am sure it hurts. I hope their marriage can recover.
Mom, this is excellent advice. Most start out as friends .. Then emotional affairs .. Then physical. Years ago, when we were going through bereavement stuff, we set up ground rules. We were both allowed to talk about stuff to friends and seek out people to help us .. But the rule was “Same Gender”. I didn’t want him finding a listening ear attached to some 20 year old hottie, and he wanted to make sure our newly single handsome neighbor wasn’t going to become my new BFF.
When I met LookingHard for dinner, I dragged DH along. I never do anything that could be seen as morally inappropriate. Dinner with the StayLDS-Brad Pitt totally needed the DH chaperone.
I also shared the one text received with DH — and stuff I write. He might not like my FC, but he knows exactly where I am in the journey.
Relationship honesty is huge for me.
Thank you, mom3. Truly wise advice. I agree — although the thought has never crossed my mind on this forum at all…the fact that we are also working from a set of religious values on some level (even unorthodox ones) would make the thought of such an affair deterrent. One thing I find interesting is that I often don’t know whether the person I’m talking to in Private messages is male or female unless their avatar or name suggests it. Mostly, it’s a group email anyway, although it sometimes becomes a one on one discussion.
Nonetheless, this is good advice…
SD – Quote:– although the thought has never crossed my mind on this forum at all…the fact that we are also working from a set of religious values on some level (even unorthodox ones) would make the thought of such an affair deterrent.
I used to think so too, until this friends experience. In the studying of this I have come to understand that even devoutly religious people, who have no struggles with their religion, are also drawn into secret relationships. The studies though demonstrate that the rise of these types of affairs has increased because people can go incognito much easier now.
Most of us here are hiding from our spouse in a form. We don’t think of it as betrayal, for us it is a coping mechanism, your spouse may not agree.
With my friend her spouse started out on forum very much like this, then joined a closed facebook group, then learned about apps you can download and so on.
It’s a matter of consciously choosing. The rise of emotional affairs is staggering because religion or moral values have no protection against it. The Ashley Madison account exposure verified that.
Again I accuse no one here of doing anything like it. I only bring to light present knowledge I’ve gained and I share it because I believe most of us here do love our families and spouses and I want us to have all the luck in the world keeping those connections.
mom3 wrote:
With my friend her spouse started out on forum very much like this, then joined a closed facebook group, then learned about apps you can download and so on.Sad, but true. For everything under the sun: “There’s an app for that.”
Ann wrote:mom3 wrote:
With my friend her spouse started out on forum very much like this, then joined a closed facebook group, then learned about apps you can download and so on.Sad, but true. For everything under the sun: “There’s an app for that.”
Where is the one for a faith crisis?
LookingHard wrote:Ann wrote:mom3 wrote:
With my friend her spouse started out on forum very much like this, then joined a closed facebook group, then learned about apps you can download and so on.Sad, but true. For everything under the sun: “There’s an app for that.”
Where is the one for a faith crisis?I want that faith crisis app!
:clap: For the sake of introspection and transparency I admit that I have shared some unflattering things about DW and my MIL here. I do believe that the anonymity makes sharing these things more tempting. My DW does know that I post here and has occasionally popped by to read what is going on.
I very much admire our female posters but that does not seem to be an issue for me.
The primary reason why I come here is for the sense of community and validation. I suppose in some ways that could be seen as an “emotional affair” from the LDS church, but that seems overly simplistic. I believe that I can define myself through many different facets and organizations and not just claim super loyalty to one.
Anyway, I appreciate the thought.
Agreed — i come here for community and some extent validation. I honestly think I would be far less friendly to the church if it were not for StayLDS. I would have had no choice but to “come out” to the local people and then get ostracized for unorthodoxy and even apostasy in the eyes of some. Here I can be nakedly honest and leave my Ward unsullied by my opinions.
I will say, this, though — I am getting more and more comfortable in my own skin. And I am finding the world is full of fulfilling experiences that have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the LDS Church. And I expect those experiences to continue for some time. Part of me wishes I could come out to my local Ward, but I know from my posts here that could destroy my marriage, my friendships (what few I have left there) and even my relationships with my children. So, I don’t do it.
Thanks StayLDS for reeling me in, by osmosis.
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