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So as not to thread jack the “After life” thread – I wanted to share something from my daughters institute class last night. For a small bit of history – this daughter is my free spirit girl. She ebbs and flows with the church and religions. She carries a rosary in her purse that a dear friend gave her. She proudly wears the cross necklace she received at LDS girls camp from a non-member friend, and alternates it with her Star of David necklace purchased at a viewing of Fiddler on the Roof. She also has a personal war with death. She can’t find comfort in either idea – the eternal one or the “there’s nothing after”. Both haunt and upset her.
Recently she has been attending institute for the social connections. Clean living kids, who are making their way through life without partying, clubbing and desperation. As an anthropology major she comes home with a swollen tongue from biting it so often. Last night was different. The lesson was on the atonement. She sat through it – mentally checked out. At the end the teacher had an exercise where the kids could share their feelings on the Atonement. It was voluntary. One of the volunteers was a 25 year old Army guy. He has served 2 tours in Afghanistan. Last night he told the story of his near death.
One day his hummer was hit by a grenade or land mine, rolled over and exploded into flame. He was trapped. The flames were consuming the vehicle. He could feel the heat through his body as it made it’s way toward him. He said, “In that minute my life didn’t flash before my eyes. There was no fear, no panic – there was just an acceptance of death. An assurance that it would happen and nothing more. I embraced it. No bright lights, nothing. Calm. Then suddenly someone pulled me out.”
My daughter was stunned. She and I talked some more about it, about people we know who have died. So many reach a calm that can’t be described. I don’t know what lies on the other side but maybe I should just accept death.
Beautiful – and so profound. Thank you, deeply, for sharing this post with us.
That is a very thought provoking experience. Thanks for sharing. I am a hospice nurse, so I deal with other people’s death for my profession. In my experience, by the time I am caring for a dying person, they are accepting of their death. They have been through many treatments, and no more will help. Most are frightened, but accepting. I suspect all are frightened, but some are better at hiding it than others.
Again only in my experience, I have found that religious people seem to fear death more. My take on that is, that an atheist believes that this is the end of their existence, and they simply accept it (that has been my personal experience, I am sure many do not simply accept it). It is the religious person that fears the unknown. They question things like have they been good enough, what will happen, did they believe the right things, did they do the right things, will they go to heaven or hell? The religious person has more “unknowns”, and it is the unknown that we fear most. That is just my take on things, I could be completely wrong, and every person is different.
Usually, the people that have the hardest time with death is the dying person’s family, not the dying person. The family wants to know what they can do to make the person better, why can’t the doctor try another treatment, how did this happen, etc. And the question that everyone, without fail, asks …. how long does “dad” have to live? My answer has come to always be the same. I don’t know, I can guess based on symptoms, but I am often wrong, people don’t die on schedule. Only God knows the answer to that question. My advice is this: Every day that you wake up, and you are still here, and you are still with your family, give a little prayer of thanks for one more day to be here. I tell them to say today what they want to say, and do today what they want to do. Close your eyes and pretend it is 10 years from now. What regrets will you have? What will you wish you would have said to dad? Say it today, do it today.
On the day that a person is born, there is only one thing that is certain, and cannot be changed. A person will die. You won’t get around it, and I won’t get around it. It is how we live the time between our birth and our death that really matters.
When people are given the gift of time(meaning they didn’t die in a sudden accident) during their journey of death, it can be a wonderful thing. It can be a chance to review one’s life, a chance to make things right, a chance to pass on words of wisdom to loved ones. I have seen people change their life for the better, because a dying loved one cared to take time to express their love. It can conversely be a time when a person dwells on the bad things that happened in their life, a time of great regret and suffering.
I get to be alone with a body after the death, as I clean and dress the body. It is obvious they are no longer there, but I like to talk to them anyway. I usually say “Bye, have a great journey. Today you get to know”. Everyone that stays behind still has to walk on faith, but this person that has passed gets to know.
So here is what I am trying to say in no short manner (sorry). We don’t get to choose if we die suddenly, like a soldier that gets hit by a roadside bomb, or if we linger for years with cancer, or something in between. We do know that we will all die. So my goal is to live life so that at the time of my death I have as few regrets as possible. It is hard. I am not good at it, I am not good at any of it. Hopefully God will grant me a few more years to get better.
Outofstep, that is the most profound thing I’ve read in a long, long time. Thanks for sharing, and may I need your professional services only a long time from now. I’m glad my thread spawned these comments. I like them a lot. Wish I had more to add. Outofstep… Thank you for your post… Also thank you for what you do. I’ve had an immediate family member in hospice and the care and concern they provided was wonderful.
Brown…
I’m an atheist who stays LDS. So, I believe firmly that there is no afterlife. I think that believing there is no afterlife affects me in the following ways:
– I want to make my life count… it’s the only one I get, I want it to be good.
– I think I worry less about politics and current events than I used to, simply because I don’t think of life as part of a great plan, but rather a wonderful gift, and it’s up to me to enjoy it.
– It bothers me that I am mortal and then… that’s it. But I’ve learned to focus on the two items above.
– For me, the death of a loved one is very, very bitter. There is no “better place” for them to be in. I think this is the hardest pill for me to swallow… not my own death, but the permanent, irrevocable loss of people I love.
How to accept it? Honestly, I think my belief just sucks. I hate it. I wish there were another way… But, there’s really nothing I can do, other than shrug my shoulders and go do something fun that I can only do because I am alive right now.
Out of Step – Thank you. Your post was beautiful. I love that you talk to them. How blessed we all are because you and others like you exist. I have a fond place in my heart for hospice care and it’s nurture your explanation increased the beauty of hospice ten fold. Thanks everyone for adding your comments, too. I really enjoyed this discussion.
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