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I’m wondering how anyone has dealt with talking about your doubts and feelings with grown children? I have one active son who is temple married and one who is getting temple married next year. Our other 2 are not active and live “worldly” non-spiritual lives, but we have a great relationship with both. The one who is married recently told me how glad he is that both sets of parents are active in the church. I haven’t even talked to my husband yet, but the idea of telling my kids is really scary. I still go to the temple (I’m actually an ordinance worker, if you can believe that. I plan to take care of that as soon as I “come out” to my husband), but I don’t know if I’ll keep going for much longer. There is no way I’ll miss my son’s wedding though. Thoughts?
My two older daughters are in college. They don’t have families yet and are single students. I’ve had differing discussions with them. I usually allow them to ask me questions, and I often respond with a question to understand what they think. I don’t often say “I don’t believe”…but rather point out to them what I do believe (love, gospel principles, service, forgiveness, etc). My daughter asked me why I study so much church history, even stuff not from the church. I asked her if she knows much about polygamy, she said, “I know enough. I’m not interested in knowing more.” I told her I respected that, and if she ever wants to know more, come talk to me. But I didn’t push anything on her.
I fully believe there is no “right” or “wrong” way to view these things. There is only my opinion and they have their opinion on church. So I don’t force them to search for things that I have researched. I didn’t ask these questions until I was 35, and my true feelings are not simply stating yes or no on questions…but I have nuanced and deep answers to simple questions.
But they have asked me about how I feel about SSM, about why they “feel the spirit” at a hockey game, and how to view eternal families amid divorce. I have also showed them this website. I tell them to read for themselves if they want, and to talk to me about it.
They often come to me when they can’t make sense of things told them at institute or at BYU. I love our conversations. I think because they see I’m honest and not hiding something, they don’t worry about me, even if they don’t understand me.
In summary, I focus on the positive things of my beliefs, and I show them they don’t need to worry about their dad. I’m not falling into the grips of the evil one…as they can see by my actions. I’ve deflated their fears, and they respect me for the most part. I am still active, and plan to be in the temple to see them married. Which hopefully will be several years from now.
I have talked to all of my children ( 
and I started out by saying that I have some doubts and that there are some issues that are really hard for me to believe and when they ask questions then I answer them honestly. My active kids ask more questions then my non active kids and I found out that one son and his wife are having the same feelings that I am. I love it when we can have an honest conversation. Sometimes it hurts me to tell them some of my reasons for doubting because I don’t want to hurt their testimonies but when they ask and tell me that they want to know then I don’t hold back. I can tell that all of my kids are having their own doubts or are at least asking some questions. The world is not the same as it was before the internet. It is scary because it really is a game changer.I’ve been sharing many of my unique views with my children since they were old enough to understand. I’ve always done it from a foundation of how much I love, respect and admire people who see and say things differently than I do, and I’ve always stressed that I want them to find their own understanding of scripture, even if it’s different than their leaders and me. I was gratified to hear one of my daughters mention that last part in a Sacrament Meeting talk last week about Spiritual Self-Reliance.
Thanks for your responses. Some good advice and food for thought. I have an adult daughter who has her own questions, although hers are more in line with issues of gender equality in the church. She knows I have doubts and questions because I stopped going to church when she was a teen. Having been supportive of my family in their activity in the church I generally have not shared my doubts with them. I don’t see it as my job to weaken or destroy anyone else’s faith, especially that of those close to me. I have had brief discussions with my daughter, however, because she asks sometimes. She does not know the depth of my doubts, but she is aware of some generalities and she knows my stance on social issues and the church. Honestly, I would like to share more with her but I hesitate because I recognize her own faith is delicate and I am aware that she doesn’t always attend church, keep the Sabbath, etc. I do believe she has every right to do so, but I don’t want to be accused of actively encouraging her decision not to be part of the church any more than I already can be passively. I do share little things with all my children all the time, though. I don’t hesitate, for instance, to point out different interpretations of scripture – like the 13 the host of heaven not literally meaning 1/3, and I’m actually excited to share my new found understanding of Moroni’s promise (thanks again mom3). As a side note, I think she would actually do better if she didn’t live in Provo where she attends a “BYU ward” (all the former BYU wards are not called YSA wards) even though she is a graduate and lives in non-approved housing. And FWIW, I do have a “semi-adult” son who is serving a mission. Good comments DJ. My daughter is in BYU-I. She belongs there. She thrives with the gospel and her callings in RS and her support with others there. She absolutely is where she is supposed to be. And I can see how happy she is with it, that I would never feel she needs to open her eyes or see things differently. If it works for them, I want them to be happy.
Church works for me too…even if I’m different in how I do it.
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