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I just had an interesting talk with one of my sisters. She is in my opinion a very strong member and is running into issues with her son who is 12. I would like to hear some thoughts on how I should have responded. (The whole story is rather long so I am trying to abbreviate it.) Her son has been called as the Deacon President over 12 deacons. The problem as she put it is that he is a very by the book/behave yourself type of kid. One of the twelve is very disruptive and from my opinion of what she said destructive. (The example she gave is that the kid peed on another kid’s tent on a camp out.) My nephew has been told several times that he is the leader and to step up. (My interpretation of what she told me.) According to her he gets almost no support from his adult leaders (and lets be honest how many 13 year olds are going to be able to corral a peer?) Don’t get me wrong I do understand that young boys will mess around. This problem exists also with the planning of activities. The ideal is to have the kids plan the activity until you learn how to do it, they will need help. For example, they recently went on a 10 mile hike. Only two people brought water for the hike. (My nephew and his dad.) The comment was made that this was an excellent learning opportunity for the kids. According to my sister my nephew’s take away, don’t share. My nephew is getting to the point where even if he were removed from his “leadership” role, he doesn’t want to be involved. This is saddening to me as the youth program of the church when properly run, in my opinion, is one of the best out comes of the church. The two “adult” leaders are a young married individual with three young kids and a 19 year old. (Not that people in these situations couldn’t be great, it just appears that these two aren’t.) She hinted that the reason these two are in the position is because no one else would take the calling. I basically told her that she needs to “get him some support” in any way possible. First talk to the adult leaders then also talk to the bishop. I was just wondering if anyone had any other suggestions.
I think the next step is probably to kick it up the line. If the deacons quorum advisors aren’t being very helpful, have him talk with the Bishop. The Bishop is the president of the Aaronic priesthood in the Ward. Nowadays, bishops are being advised that their primary responsibility is for the youth in the Ward, while the elders quorum and relief society are responsible for the adults. I’ll bet that he can get some support from the Bishop. In any case, if the deacons quorum is dysfunctional, the Bishop should be the next line of defense if the advisors aren’t helping. Agree with turinturambar here. A Deacon’s Quorum President holds the “keys” of the quorum but he doesn’t have the organizational knowledge, the experience, or the authority to address things like bullying or widespread disrespect and unpreparedness. If the Deacon’s advisor and scoutmaster don’t address the problem, it needs to go to the bishop. If he won’t do anything, as a parent, I’d tell the Bishop this is a no-win situation and say he needs to be released immediately. One other possible option – and it isn’t always a workable option – is for dad to become an unofficial scout or YM leader. In most wards I’ve been on dads are always invited to scout activities. If dad can be the effective and true (albeit unofficial) leader it could really help the situation. Dad can be the bad guy or the “adult in the room” until the bishop fixes it.
having been involved in the church’s youth program for many years, I’d the “adult” leaders are not doing their part. It is wrong to expect the 12-year-old to deal with it. While peer influence can be positive, it appears more is needed here. Speak with the bishop about your concerns. From another point of view, the adult leaders, including the bishop, may very well be aware of the situation and just not know what to do. Essentially they have a kid here who is “commanded” to be part of the organization and may have many other issues (family, church/testimony, emotional, etc.) where “kicking him out” is probably not in his best interest. And sometimes parents are not very supportive in these situations, either (in fact sometimes I think they’re glad to be rid of the kid for a few hours). I once called the parents of two boys that had had a behavior issue, both sets of parents prominent members of the ward. From one I got “I’ll take care of it.” From the other I got “Boys will be boys.”
I appreciate the replies and the suggestions. DarkJedi wrote:From another point of view, the adult leaders, including the bishop, may very well be aware of the situation and just not know what to do. Essentially they have a kid here who is “commanded” to be part of the organization and may have many other issues (family, church/testimony, emotional, etc.) where “kicking him out” is probably not in his best interest. And sometimes parents are not very supportive in these situations, either (in fact sometimes I think they’re glad to be rid of the kid for a few hours). I once called the parents of two boys that had had a behavior issue, both sets of parents prominent members of the ward. From one I got “I’ll take care of it.” From the other I got “Boys will be boys.”
This is actually my biggest concern. Unfortunately, my nephew lives on the other side of the US, so I really can’t help much other than give verbal support. I have had people tell me that we should “send them home to mama”, which from a personal selfish perspective seems like the best option… ultimately, I don’t think there is one right answer and I have to hope that the ward leaders figure out the best method. It doesn’t help that I come from one of those families that said “I’ll take care of it” so I have a hard time understanding the “boys will be boys” mentality as I am the product of my experiences.
Things can get complicated in a hurry in an organization where children/youth almost never get kicked out or officially disciplined for some things that would get automatic responses in most other organizations. It can be really hard to be a leader in a situation like you described.
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