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Hey, I’d like to open up a thread to offer support for a TBM spouse. I know that sometime we get lurkers on here that are in this position. They’re not here looking for support in stayingLDS but rather trying to understand their spouse. So what advice would you give someone who’s spouse is going through a faith crisis?
there is a great support group at http://faceseast.org/forum/ wayfarer wrote:there is a great support group at
http://faceseast.org/forum/
Thanks Wayfarer. I’m aware of it and have checked it out. I was hesitant to recommend it to my wife as most of what I read (just quick click through) seemed to be for those whose husbands completely left the church or were more “NOM”. I consider my self “believing, with reservations.” Anyways, in desperation I did tell her about it one day and she later reported she didn’t like it for exactly that reason. It gave her greater anxiety that I would completely leave the church. Well, today she told me she was reading what I post here in order to “understand me better.” I figured there were others that probably do the same. Thus the request for advice to the TBM spouse.To understand faith crisis and a transition of belief through reconcilation of one sort or another and get the faithful perspective I would listen to several of FAIR’s “keeping the faith” podcasts or listen to all 5 hours of Teryl Givens interview on mormonstories
I know for a fact there are TBM spouses who lurk here…and occasionally even post. thanks for the thread idea.
The best advice that I have ever heard for those who go through faith crisis with TBM spouses…and to those spouses who have a loved one go through a faith crisis is simply this…
“Love them.”
The end.
A faith crisis doesn’t mean a love crisis. It does, however, mean love is needed even more – from both spouses. It’s OK for spouses not to see everything in the exact same way, as long as they continue to love each other passionately and relentlessly.
Old-Timer wrote:… continue to love each other
passionatelyand relentlessly. I’ve been watching to much
Colbert Report…because this made me laugh. I think I will tell jwald she needs to follow this advice. It is the weekend afterall. 
I’ve been saying that to my wife for 26 years. 
I hope it works better for you than it has for me.
😆 Having said that, neither spouse should use sex or affection as a weapon or incentive. Faith crises happen; sexual crises don’t help – ever, but particularly for someone who already feels vulnerable and scared.
In that light, a good sense of humor is important for both spouses – especially when it initially feels like there is no reason to laugh. Hi eman, I guess I would qualify as a traditional practicing spouse. To remain a complete TBM seems nearly impossible. Not because you don’t desire it, but because eventually you have to learn a new way of looking at things. Faceseast can be very helpful and I know 2 or 3 others who cross post here and there.
Your wife is in a very strangulated space depending on many situations – most of them external from you. There is no short cut or quick way through it, especially if one spouse chooses or feels safe in the faith. We often dubs it “The Stroke”. It helped us clarify what we could change and what we couldn’t. That alone took time. Patience and personal peace on your end will help a lot.
The reaction of being bitter and pushing them away with ultimatums while perhaps a natural reaction, is opposite how the Savior would react. Give them an open ear and a loving heart. My advice for a TBM spouse is to hang in there and don’t make any rash decisions. It is possible that things will get worse but it’s equally (or more) likely that things will get better. You have lovely memories together – cherish them and remember your spouse is still the same person. I can tell you what I wish my husband would understand, though I don’t know if it will help. The Lord is over all. He is watching over us and helping us in everything we do. Don’t be afraid, just trust the Lord. He can make everything work out in the end.
It’s natural to be hurt and afraid. It gets better. This is a chance to love fully and practice Christ-like charity. You don’t have to fix it. Your spouse didn’t start to question because of anything you did or didn’t do. A faith crisis is likely painful for him or her too. Remember that your spouse is God’s child as much as you are. God holds your spouse in his hands. You can trust that, and not fear. God’s love, mercy, and power to save are much broader and more encompassing than we realize. Let him be in charge.
A temple marriage is a temple marriage, regardless of if both people keep their recommends. Non-temple marriages are still holy before God too. Let go of all social fear and try not to concern yourself with the opinion of others regarding your family. Yes, there may be people judging if your spouse is inactive, or active but unorthodox. Their opinion is none of your business. They don’t get it. Forgive them, be yourself, accept your spouse as is, and let it go.
You don’t have to explain your spouse’s faith crisis to others. If someone asks, direct them to him or her. (This is mainly the case if your spouse decreases or stops church attendance.) Don’t say anything about it to others that you wouldn’t say in front of your spouse. People can undermine the marriage in their attempts to be helpful. Don’t let them! Making your marriage eternal means putting your spouse first always, “for better or for worse.”
Be mindful of and take responsibility for your OWN faith. Continue to pray, attend church, attend the temple, read your scriptures, etc. You are responsible for your own salvation. Yes, it may be harder, especially if your spouse shares things that are hard to hear abt the church, distances further from the church, goes through an “angry phase,” etc. If you hope for your spouse to see the beauty in Christ and in the gospel, make the “fruit” of gospel living beautiful. Live as an example of Christ. Show your spouse the gospel makes you happy by choosing to be happy! Love as Christ does.
By the way, a faith crisis is no guarantee that any of the above will happen. Your spouse is an individual, not a generic person going through a faith crisis. Yes, some people leave the church, others stay but go “inactive,” others take a break and return, some are unorthodox but happily active, and others question but then have deepened faith and commit more strongly than ever. Each person is an individual. Allow yourself and your spouse to be who they are. There is no script.
Keep talking, keep listening, keep communicating. Separate “church issues” from “marriage issues.” Love, love, love, compromise and forgive. I promise it’s worth it. Let the Holy Ghost comfort you and teach you.
Why did that post twice? Sorry!
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