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Many of you on this forum know the story of my faith crisis and reconstruction. I am very close to my family, especially my parents. This week we’re going to start up family home evening again and I’m definitely looking forward to it. My parents joined were baptized as converts in the 1960s. Much has changed in the church since then. As far as I know, they are stage 3 members of the church, although they realize church leaders and other church members have acted in ways that far from Christ-like. My middle sister who has been inactive for years was raped by a member of the church. The bishop found out about it, but did nothing. The member was still able to pass sacrament. Sorry for sharing too much. Anyway, should I share my faith reconstruction with parents? I’m getting the strong feeling that I should. They wouldn’t over-react, but I don’t know if they would understand. My mom might, but I don’t know about my dad. What do you think? It’s a tricky question. Converts have often given up a lot to join, and they have specifically and deliberately chosen this world view. My parents are converts and also stage 3, but not uncritical. They sould a lot like yours. Ultimately, you know them best. I find my parents to be open to individual topics (e.g., history issue, temple issue), but less open to the whole thing. Share some details? Maybe – probably. Dump it all on them? Absolutely not – unless you feel strongly that you should and can’t shake that feeling.
In other words, I have no clue.
My faith crisis was brought on by the stillbirth of my daughter. My mother was someone that I could talk to and she was extremelysupportive. After I got through the worst of it I asked her if my doubts, concerns, and the wrestling of my soul ever worried her – She told me that she always had confidence that I would figure it out. I especially love that answer because it allows for the possibility of finding my own path and not merely coming around eventually to the party line. It wouldn’t have meant half as much had she said, “I always knew you would find your way back.” Now that being said. I shared mostly about my feelings in regards to divine unconditional love. I believe that some assumptions about Mormon theology run counter to divine unconditional love, while other aspects absolutely support it. So I guess my discussions were more positive regarding what I was feeling and how that affected my perspective/beliefs – and never about the church being wrong.
If hypothetically I was to say something like, “I feel that gay people are accepted by God just as much as us heterosexuals.” And she was to counter with something like, “follow the prophet.” Then I think that would be the end to the conversation. I love her too much to argue.
Best advice I can give you is look for common ground rather than areas of disagreement. Don’t turn it into a debate on doctrine or belief. Make sure they know you are the same good person that they raised. It’s helpful if you feel that your “faith reconstruction” has made you a better person or closer to God… but not better in the sense of “I’m better or more enlightened or closer to God than you”, but better in the sense of “it works better” for you. You being happy with where you are would be good. One more thought. My mom has expressed to me many times that she hopes I can come back some day. No surprise; she loves me and wants the best for me. It’s up to me to choose to be annoyed or appreciative.
I will talking to them tonight about it and I’ll let you know how that goes. Well thank you for the advice. I did talk to them last night at family home evening. It went OK. I didn’t tell them everything. Just as I thought, my mom was a little more understanding than my dad, but it still went OK. I’ve noticed in other countries there are lots of stage 3 members there. I am glad that it went OK. Give them a little time and let them see that you aren’t going off the deep end and it might get a little better. Also don’t be surprised if don’t bring it up any more because they might be nervous about about it. I talked to someone and he seemed liked he cared and was trying to understand and the next time I saw him he didn’t say a word about it and looked real uncomfortable. At christmas we were back home for a few weeks. I had good and bad experiences. We were having a conversation about literal history. I can’t remember how we got to it, but I said something like “I’ve let go of a need for a historical Nephi.”
There was a huge over-reaction. My older brother and brother-in-law went on the offensive, trying to “fix” me. My brother said he’d been studying church history longer than I have and that I shouldn’t doubt. My bro-in-law accused me of having an agenda and being condescending/superior (this was after me trying to explain why, with few specifics, I felt that way).
I ended up back tracking and saying that there was no conclusive reason that Nephi isn’t historical, but that his words are more important to me than his literal birth. This seemed to calm them a little, but it wasn’t pretty.
I later spoke to my mum, but in a far more general way about seeing a broader church than simply mormonism or nothing, that many reach a relationship with God beyond being LDS, but that I was happy to follow a mormon ‘way’ because I knew it worked for me so had no reason to reject it.
Since then she and my brother have been sending regular ‘proof’ articles, which I politely ignore.
I dislike these conversations. Everyone gets instantly defensive. I think we used scaffolding as a metaphor in another thread. It’s like you’re telling them that the building stands without the scaffolding. But they can’t believe it. So they try to put all your scaffolding back up. And now you can’t see out the windows because of the annoying proof articles….i mean scaffolding.
It’s hard with my parents. My mom is having a bit of an fc right now herself. But I don’t see any good in encouraging her to explore it too much. She’s long been aware of the problems with the church. When I was younger and not as diplomatic about my doubts she seemed to always know what I was talking about and give me a reason for it. I was always surprised she’d heard it. I think what’s gotten to her lately is that her ward especially paints such a simplistic picture of obedience is happiness. And God helps people find their car keys….
It conflicts with her work quite a bit. She works at a treatment center for teenagers with severe behavior disorders–many of which were horribly abused. She can’t reconcile the church’s rosy view of everything with the reality of these children who have been through literal hells through no fault of their own. It’s the problem of undeserved suffering. I gave her the God Who Weeps last week. I hope she’ll read it. I think it’s perfect for her situation.
My dad on the other hand….I tried talking to him about something a week ago and he shut me up. Not in a bad way but he just has such a pure convert testimony. He had a strong answer to his prayers about the church and he’s never forgotten it. He just brushes aside anything he hears because of that answer. I respect that. I’m looking to find answers for myself after all, not to play Alma the Younger and try to tear down my dad’s faith. I don’t really want angels smiting me down or anything…
In general I guess I’ve had to learn that sometimes me having to deal with feeling alone is better than feeling like a project. That’s why I’m grateful for this forum. I can vent my frustrations without everyone making me feel I’m a project.
In general I don’t make a point of telling people I’m doubting things. But if we’re discussing the church and something is said that I really, really disagree with. I’ve no problem in sharing that. I believe my big statement last weekend was someone quoted Brigham Young on something (I don’t remember what) and I said “Yeah, well, Brigham Young said a lot of dumb things.” They looked at me like I was evil. I guess I was a bit irreverent about it… But then my mom brought up his sermon on women’s skirt length (not so high as to see ankle but not low enough to drag dirt into the church) and everyone kind of shut up. It was amusing…
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