Advice Urgently Requested Please

[Anonymous]

I don’t believe anymore…but I’m a “Greeter” in my ward as well as the Nursery Leader, which means I am to show up early, welcome everyone, then after Sacrament high-tail it to the Nursery for almost two more hours. In September, it’ll be two straight years in the Nursery. I’m also a Visiting Teacher although admittedly my partner and I do not do a super-fantastic job of this. (No one in our Ward does – our Home Teachers have never come in the past two years and my VT’s haven’t come in about 7 months.)

I don’t want to leave on bad terms. In fact, I’m not even sure I really want to leave. The Church is one of the more positive things I have going in my life. I’m an empty nester and I hate my job right now. My husband doesn’t believe either and we never made it to the Temple so he’s not a problem. I have actually “come and gone” multiple times in the Church and am already embarrassed by that.

I told myself when I went back this time, two years ago next month, despite my doctrinal doubts, I would keep going, focus on the elements that made me happy, and try to serve others. But recently I’ve revisited some of the “anti” Temple exposure sites and Richard Packham’s you-tube video and I don’t want to monetarily support these weird efforts anymore.

I have been fantasizing about making it through Sacrament, going to the Nursery and just leaving my bag o’stuff and toy closet key and vanishing…but that seems cowardly.

Also I really enjoy going to Book Club, which consists of several women in our Ward and we read non-Church novels.

Reading this back, I sound like an idiot, but I’m being honest. Any advice??

[Anonymous]

beckibeetle wrote:

I told myself … I would keep going, focus on the elements that made me happy, and try to serve others.

Any reason why you can’t just keep doing that? I understand the frustration, but just make sure you’ve thought things through. If you were to simply disappear, you could always come back, but not without a certain amount of drama. As has been said before on this site, if you’re planning on making a change, you need to ‘trade up’, meaning that you should have a plan, and be confident that your plan will be at least as good as what you’ve got now at leading you to God, or wherever it is you want to go. Don’t just react to your current frustration.

If you have issues with tithing, there’s no reason why you have to pay it, unless you intend to get or keep a TR. There are plenty of other great charities out there that you could support, or you could direct your contributions directly to the church’s humanitarian efforts, for instance.

[Anonymous]

As I’ve said before, I would be careful of cutting off your future options. I did that once and it’s terrible to feel marginalized and have a “hard row to hoe” if you ever want to get back to it. And like you, I’ve been in and out of full activity several times in my life — in my case, out after an extremely trying personal challenge, and I’ve had three of them so far. But I always come back and I end up in some kind of high profile calling. It’s happened every single time so far. If I was you, I’d consider that time in the future when you might want to come back again in some capacity, even if your doubts are hitting highs for the moment.

Regarding just disappearing, I wouldn’t recommend that one. I would keep slugging away at it until they release you, or, take some vacations away on the weekend and plan for someone to take your place that weekend. Maybe even do it regularly, but be open about the fact you’re away and get someone to take your place. Get a break from it and when you feel more refreshed (hopefully that will happen), come back again until they release you. They normally don’t keep people in nursery forever anyway, and if you have an opportunity to drop a hint that it’s time to move on, do so gently to the right person in the primary presidency or Bishopric.

After being released, you can refuse callings or ask for something you like, or just be a benchwarmer for a while.

Regarding the influence of the anti-Mormon stuff…well, I personally shun that stuff now. And not for traditional reasons given by the Church. My reasons are that so much of religion in general is confusing, with no clear evidence to go on…I personally don’t find it uplifting to focus on all the doubt. What you do find are good people who generally want to live clean lives, people with common values, and opportunities to help others if you want them. I would focus on that — what the Church is today — you say it’s one of hte positive things in your life, unless you have something better to go to, I would stay and keep the benefits you are receiving happening.

[Anonymous]

Welcome to the community.

It sounds like you need to readjust your boundaries with the Church. From what I saw in your introduction, it sounds as though you like a lot of things at Church, and some things right now are frustrating you (or you are sick of them). Two years is a long time for a nursery calling. I’ve spent several years in the nursery too in the past. You start to feel pretty isolated. On the other hand, the lessons are very basic and short. You can focus on pretty basic ideas of Christianity as a nursery teacher. Maybe it’s time to tell the bishop you are getting burned out in nursery, and set a reasonable deadline for them to find a replacement. Then you can bow out on good terms. You can also recommend other types of callings to them, or other ways you would like to serve and be a part of your ward community.

If the temple isn’t something you are comfortable with, then don’t go. Not everyone is into it. I don’t actually have a problem with it, but I haven’t been in at least 8 years or so. As for tithing, I think it’s reasonable to support your community for what you think it is worth to you. It is sort of the reality of making a church happen. But if you aren’t comfortable with some aspects, then give what you think is fair. Practicing charitable giving is good, and so is serving others. BUT we can’t let it ruin us or be damaging to us. Otherwise, it stops being uplifting and puts us into a position of not being able to help at some point.

Hang in there. Think out and plan what you want to do, where you want to be, and how you want to participate in Church. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

[Anonymous]

Quote:

Maybe it’s time to tell the bishop you are getting burned out in nursery, and set a reasonable deadline for them to find a replacement.

Wow, two years in the nursery I commend you for that. My wife has been in the nursery for about 6 months and already wants to go inactive. The nursery is a hard calling for any ward to staff (at least that has been my experience). It is hard work, you are underpaid (wait you don’t get paid for it; but you probably should). You have to teach 18 month old kids to three yrs old., you are isolated and it’s hard to get anyone to help you. My wife has let me know her concerns and I agree with them. I just don’t like how my wife was told that she would be rotated in and out of the calling, yet it never has happened. The new person that was called to help has only been there sporadically. As to the temple, I think Brian is correct. Pretty good advice. You just struck a chord with me with the nursery calling since it has been the talk of my household since my wife was called to it.

[Anonymous]

Are you in CA? (I wonder if I know you) My wife enjoys the book club and the interaction as well. You’re not alone in your feelings at church. And from my personal experience, the nursery is the BEST place in the world! I miss that calling a lot. I could have my doubts about the church in there, play with kids, not have to listen to anyone, etc etc. I got to know some of the parents of the kids, but never really did anything with the rest of the ward..which I guess is the only downside. I virtually have no friends in the ward as a result. I told the bishop about my doubts (oops) and he yanked us out of the nursery stating that we needed more friends, like that would cure my doubts.

On another note, it sounds like your life may be a little depressing right now too. Pardon me if I’m reading into things too far. I find it REALLY hard to go to church in that state. Sometimes we all need a little encouragement to get through the rough times. Having a crappy job and being an empty nester can really get you down at times. If you do feel a little depressed, you should read Burn’s book, The Feeling Good Handbook and potentially visit with a counselor. Don’t beat yourself up about your church performance.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think you sound like an idiot. Welcome to the forum.

I would try to read through the “How to Stay” article on the StayLDS.com home page

http://staylds.com/docs/HowToStay.html” class=”bbcode_url”>http://staylds.com/docs/HowToStay.html

I think there are times when we have to learn nuances, and paradoxes, and letting go of “all or nothing” approaches to life and the church.

The things about Church that make you happy would be a loss in your life if you threw them out. Hold on to those, and let go of the things that you think don’t matter to you right now.

Quote:

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Maybe this is a time for you to let go of somethings, that will allow you to embrace better things.

I think the gospel is all about temperance, and finding the wisdom to know what time it is for you do decide what to do, so you can feel love in your heart, feel God is watching you, and feel peace that things will be OK.

[Anonymous]

doug wrote:

beckibeetle wrote:

I told myself … I would keep going, focus on the elements that made me happy, and try to serve others.

Any reason why you can’t just keep doing that? I understand the frustration, but just make sure you’ve thought things through. If you were to simply disappear, you could always come back, but not without a certain amount of drama. As has been said before on this site, if you’re planning on making a change, you need to ‘trade up’, meaning that you should have a plan, and be confident that your plan will be at least as good as what you’ve got now at leading you to God, or wherever it is you want to go. Don’t just react to your current frustration.

If you have issues with tithing, there’s no reason why you have to pay it, unless you intend to get or keep a TR. There are plenty of other great charities out there that you could support, or you could direct your contributions directly to the church’s humanitarian efforts, for instance.

Hope I’m doing this right – it’s the first time I’m replying. I really appreciate your comments, thank you. I felt great Sunday after Nursery. I realized that I’d much rather hang out with the children than the adults! They’re so sweet and affectionate. I feel a little guilty about not tithing but we have two kids in college and a LOT of debt. I’m taking what we used to tithe and applying it to bills one at a time and at this point I’m planning to tithe again in the future. I know that’s not kosher or orthodox but I feel at peace with it and feel God still loves us.

[Anonymous]

SilentDawning wrote:

As I’ve said before, I would be careful of cutting off your future options. I did that once and it’s terrible to feel marginalized and have a “hard row to hoe” if you ever want to get back to it. And like you, I’ve been in and out of full activity several times in my life — in my case, out after an extremely trying personal challenge, and I’ve had three of them so far. But I always come back and I end up in some kind of high profile calling. It’s happened every single time so far. If I was you, I’d consider that time in the future when you might want to come back again in some capacity, even if your doubts are hitting highs for the moment.

Regarding just disappearing, I wouldn’t recommend that one. I would keep slugging away at it until they release you, or, take some vacations away on the weekend and plan for someone to take your place that weekend. Maybe even do it regularly, but be open about the fact you’re away and get someone to take your place. Get a break from it and when you feel more refreshed (hopefully that will happen), come back again until they release you. They normally don’t keep people in nursery forever anyway, and if you have an opportunity to drop a hint that it’s time to move on, do so gently to the right person in the primary presidency or Bishopric.

After being released, you can refuse callings or ask for something you like, or just be a benchwarmer for a while.

Regarding the influence of the anti-Mormon stuff…well, I personally shun that stuff now. And not for traditional reasons given by the Church. My reasons are that so much of religion in general is confusing, with no clear evidence to go on…I personally don’t find it uplifting to focus on all the doubt. What you do find are good people who generally want to live clean lives, people with common values, and opportunities to help others if you want them. I would focus on that — what the Church is today — you say it’s one of hte positive things in your life, unless you have something better to go to, I would stay and keep the benefits you are receiving happening.

Thank you so much! You’re so right. The last thing I want is more drama. It’s easier to stay and keep to myself than popping in and out and causing a bunch of attention. We have a really small Ward and there’s no one to speak of to cover in the Nursery. If one of us is gone our husband helps us. Also I take it very seriously, probably too seriously, when I agree to a calling or other commitment and I try to always be there unless I’m sick or out of town. I’m probably putting too much pressure on myself. But once I actually get there I enjoy spending time with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Absentminded wrote:

Are you in CA? (I wonder if I know you) My wife enjoys the book club and the interaction as well. You’re not alone in your feelings at church. And from my personal experience, the nursery is the BEST place in the world! I miss that calling a lot. I could have my doubts about the church in there, play with kids, not have to listen to anyone, etc etc. I got to know some of the parents of the kids, but never really did anything with the rest of the ward..which I guess is the only downside. I virtually have no friends in the ward as a result. I told the bishop about my doubts (oops) and he yanked us out of the nursery stating that we needed more friends, like that would cure my doubts.

On another note, it sounds like your life may be a little depressing right now too. Pardon me if I’m reading into things too far. I find it REALLY hard to go to church in that state. Sometimes we all need a little encouragement to get through the rough times. Having a crappy job and being an empty nester can really get you down at times. If you do feel a little depressed, you should read Burn’s book, The Feeling Good Handbook and potentially visit with a counselor. Don’t beat yourself up about your church performance.

No, I’m not in California. It’s sort of comforting to know I’m not alone. You’re absolutely right that I can hang out in the Nursery and not have to listen to lessons I don’t agree with. And you hit the nail on the head about my depression. I plan to get The Feeling Good Handbook on my Kindle soon. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

PiperAlpha wrote:

I don’t think you sound like an idiot. Welcome to the forum.

I would try to read through the “How to Stay” article on the StayLDS.com home page

http://staylds.com/docs/HowToStay.html” class=”bbcode_url”>http://staylds.com/docs/HowToStay.html

I think there are times when we have to learn nuances, and paradoxes, and letting go of “all or nothing” approaches to life and the church.

The things about Church that make you happy would be a loss in your life if you threw them out. Hold on to those, and let go of the things that you think don’t matter to you right now.

Quote:

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Maybe this is a time for you to let go of somethings, that will allow you to embrace better things.

I think the gospel is all about temperance, and finding the wisdom to know what time it is for you do decide what to do, so you can feel love in your heart, feel God is watching you, and feel peace that things will be OK.

Thank you Piper, I read the “How to Stay…” essay a long time ago…but I’ll go back and re-read it. (I sort of haunted this site for quite some time before I summoned the courage to post something.) I also really enjoyed the “Stages of Faith” podcasts. I do tend to be “all or nothing” in many areas and it’s usually to my detriment in the end. I’ll try to be more open and relaxed.

[Anonymous]

jamison wrote:

Quote:

Maybe it’s time to tell the bishop you are getting burned out in nursery, and set a reasonable deadline for them to find a replacement.

Wow, two years in the nursery I commend you for that. My wife has been in the nursery for about 6 months and already wants to go inactive.

After 6 months in the nursery, I told the counselor in the bishopric that if I wasn’t released pretty soon, I’d have to stop paying my tithing. 😆 It worked.

[Anonymous]

Nursery can be a great place to be if the lessons bug you. I did about 18 months there, and I hated it like poison for a long time, but it was because 1) too many kids in our ward until the ward split, and 2) not enough reliable helpers, so I was scrambling every week. When we solved those 2 issues, it was actually not bad, and I suspect it was better than listening to the same old lessons would have been.

You say you are not a believer. I’d ask for you to think about it some more and clarify in what you do believe. Do you believe in God? Are you a Christian? Do you believe in any of the Mormon doctrines that are unique (heavenly parents, eternal progression)?

[Author]

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