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(my random, somewhat out there, thoughts of today.) A significant portion of my life has been dominated by this feeling that I am a leper. Not the kind where your nose falls off mind you, but the kind where you feel that one of these things is not like the others. I sometimes wonder who else among us have hidden handicaps or problems or struggles that make them feel like lepers too and with the rest of the mormon world saying “Unclean! Unclean!”
And then I think of the Savior and his ability to go to the lepers without fear as that was His mission. And then….to heal them. What an example! What hope! What direction for the rest of us. What dignity he gave them! What vision he had to see past it. And then compassion as he understands the pain as he then heals it.
How often my spiritual and emotional and physical struggles have made me feel like I don’t or can’t belong anymore. I sometimes have sat in church ( or at home
My journey these last three years has taken me down some pretty dark streets. But I look back and I know God was leading me. I felt so alone….so wounded….so lost….so isolated…..so forgotten. I wondered if there was a God at all! It took me even longer to start to see that Jesus was real as I wondered if my lonely leper colony was on his radar.
I have been led…..led thru the dark. And little by little healing is happening to me… to my surprise, I might add. It seems as each group of months go by , I feel some other little peice of myself click back into place. It feels like coming home to myself first, and maybe getting to know myself and love myself in a way I never knew I could or should. Then I feel like God has helped me become aquainted with Him again. And very slowly my mind and heart are understanding Jesus too. And it seems that now it might be time for me to leave the leper colony and go back to living in the city. Is this what it feel like to be made whole? Is this the way it happens?
People who now look at my face won’t know what it was like for me.
I look back at all my questioning, struggling, arguing, panicing, racing around with all the will power a little person like me could muster to try to heave the big mountain in front of me. An pitifully unsuccessful effort.
And then I look over to see that God was removing it one little shovel at a time in His gentle methodical way. I now look at the mountain, if I can even call it that anynmore, and I see a path. And I feel God inviting me to walk on thru. It kinda feels like leaving one world and entering another. Do I dare go? What will I find if I leave the safety of the colony? But I know I don’t belong here either.
I don’t know why I am sharing these feelings. Perhaps stream of consciousness has overtaken me or I need more sleep. Perhaps this journey of fear and doubt has changed me in ways that make me not want to forget what it feels like to be “unclean” ……or the lessons that helped me accept it.
As I look back on all of it, even the doctrinal/historical/cultural concerns in my heart, I am seeing that the solution to all of it is love. And it was Justme’s “charity” post that pushed me into this headspace. If I greet our history and the people in it with those attributes…..if I open my heart to the LDS culture and people the same way, what is there left to disrupt my peace and betray me? I have learned to trust myself and the inner workings of the spirit to a degree of peace. I have God and the lessons of his help to rest in as I put my faith in the future. I have the truths that are written on my soul and the scriptures that helped put them there. I have assurances and comforts that are laying the questioning to rest as I am finding that I don’t have to solve it all or have all the concrete answers to move forward in peace and surety.
I don’t really know what I am saying. Maybe we are all lepers. Maybe we all need the Savior or at least his servants to come to us…or at least not run when we come up the road. Perhaps we need to not be alarmed if we see some other form of leprosy in someone else and reach out to them anyway. Being one of the ones who “know” I think puts one into a place like the scriptures say….”where much is given, much is required.” Perhaps some of us are disaffected because of what we didn’t get. I am certainly one of those. But maybe it isn’t about that. Perhaps it is about how God changes us, heals us, and then employs us as we use our capacities and talents for His glory and purpose. And maybe that means doing so inside of a very imperfect sphere. Maybe it isn’t about all the nitpicky failings. Perhaps it is about the vision of the purpose of it all as we help each other with all kinds of leprosy.
That’s beautiful Poppyseed! Thanks for sharing. 
I had to chuckle at this part:
Poppyseed wrote:…by this feeling that I am a leper. Not the kind where your nose falls off mind you…
Maybe that’s why people in my ward wouldn’t look me in the face.😮 Poppyseed, thank you This is an astoundingly honest post, you are very brave and I am going to say very beautiful even though it would be easy to misunderstand that word, there is a spiritual beauty in you and your words that washes away leprosy all on its own.
Now for the quote:
Quote:How often my spiritual and emotional and physical struggles have made me feel like I don’t or can’t belong anymore. I sometimes have sat in church ( or at home ) and known in my heart that I just didn’t fit, or couldn’t relate, or couldn’t abide because the pain and disabling of the ailment was too much. Certainly others couldn’t relate to me. I know that searing truth. I am afraid all they saw was the distasteful appearance of something they couldn’t understand. Have any of your felt or currently feel that way now?
I certainly feel this way many times at Church. Partially because I sometimes don’t control myself and start giving very detailed historical or doctrinal answers that aren’t part of the Sunday School playbook and instead of reacting the whole class just shrugs its shoulders as if I had said absolutely nothing, and carries on to the next person with a standard answer that fits the manual. Argggg.
However, as you are pointing out, I suspect that many people here on this board have exactly that sense of isolation from their Ward and like your words point out we need to develop the charity to work beyond that. Wonderful, thankyou. Now would you please go over to Ray’s post on warts and fix me up there?????
🙄 Oh, I so totally understand you!!!!! I don’t even try to fit in. The Church doesn’t want me and the only reason that I try to attend church is because my little visiting teacher has worked so hard to keep me in the Church.
Here is one of my favorite pictures of the President of Paraguay comforting a leper:
http://cache.daylife.com/imageserve/0frO4wGaNh9qs/610x.jpg This new President of Paraguay, Fernando Lugo, was a Catholic Bishop. He begged to be released in 2006, but the Vatican would not allow it. He has now announced that he, a Catholic Bishop, has a two year old son.
Well, I have just one thing to say to you Fernando (guy who broke your vow of celibacy) -CONGREGATIONS DADDY!! Where do I send the baby gift?????
You see, I am just to forgiving and too liberal.
Beautiful, poppy!!! I absolutely love this! It feels like such great insight about the journey away from the dark night of codependency to the beautiful bright world of emotional health.
“Let your light so shine” means something so much more deep and profound after this journey. It really is all about love, isn’t it?
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