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I’m a newlywed of 1 year, who’s husband recently graduated from college. We’re both currently unemployed, and looking for work. We live in, what they call, a mother-in-law suite. It’s a garage that was turned into a studio apartment. It’s attached to his parent’s house. People have been asking us about children ever since we got married. Some pressuring more than others. They’re joking, but isn’t there a little truth to every joke? I really feel like people see us as being selfish. It’s not that I don’t want to have children. Honestly, I can’t wait! I’m very excited about becoming a mother, but realistically it’s not the right time for us. So I can wait. We have no health insurance, no job, no space for a baby. I know things were different in our parent’s generation, and I know there are people who choose not to have children for selfish reasons. What bothers me is that at almost every General Conference, they seem to talk to the young adults like we’re all a bunch of heathens. A little harsh, I know. They just confuse me so with what they say.
We are taught to be self-reliant, and stay out of debt correct? We are also taught to multiply and replenish the earth. Ok. I get it. Then they reprehend us for not having the kids right away? Well, we’re taught to stay out of debt..wouldn’t that mean to be able to afford to have a baby? I can’t find the talk that I know I’ve heard before. It mentions how few children are being born now, the smaller families are becoming, and it’s stated as being a bad thing. They also mention for those who are married, and in school. Don’t wait until after you graduate. “Let them come.” I know these are old men, from different times, but it makes me feel like I’m sinning by waiting.
I’m not ready to have them yet. I’m poor as dirt right now. They also make me feel like if I don’t have 8 kids, I’m being bad too.
How does everyone feel about this? It’s just something that’s bothered me, and I haven’t known where to turn, to ask.
You’re not being a bad person. not at all. Here is a bit of my story: I married pretty young, soon after my mission, and my wife was 19. We had a first child 10 months later. It was a time when George Pace was preaching hard against birth control, and a few years after a First Presidency letter on the same matter.
We’ve been married 33 years. I can honestly say from my own experience that my wife and I didn’t really know each other before we had children, having children that soon made it far more difficult to retain a relationship with my wife, and we have to work on it hard to recreate the relationship now that the children are gone.
Curiously, none of my children have married that young, nor do they have children right away.
Your path is your path. No-one can tell you when and how you should have children — it is completely a choice between you and your husband. Period. And there is no selfishness in ensuring that you have a proper emotional foundation to bring children into the world. As well, take the time necessary to really develop a solid, loving, and supportive realtionship between you and your husband. These are all essential for a strong family.
Be selfish. By that, I mean you need to make the decision based on what you and your husband feel is right. You can listen to others’ opinions and consider their advice, but you are an adult now and need to make adult decisions. Don’t make decisions on what others tell you is right or wrong or bad or good. It is YOUR decision and your life and that is where the authority lies for making decisions. No one else can give you revelation for it. I was married a year after my mission, and our first child came a year later, but we had insurance and it cost us a total of $10 to have our child.
If you don’t consider the finances, you will end up depending on others to help. You have to decide if that is the right approach.
You and your husband are adults and are capable of making these decisions for yourselves. That’s really all there is to it. The constant drone from the pulpit and the cultural expectations will always be there to one degree or another, and I think it’s fair and reasonable that you should take them into consideration in your family planning decisions — after all, for most people, having kids is probably a great idea — but ultimately it’s your life, your particular situation and your decision, and the time may just not be right for you now. You are not being a bad person, so stop feeling guilty and just let it roll off. One of my children, in particular, is constantly bombarded with the GET MARRIED NOW! message, which in his case and at this time in his life is counterproductive … even destructive. I wish people would just shut up about it sometimes. The choice of when to have kids and how many, is no one’s business but you and your husband. The end.
THE END.
The Church’s official stance now is that all these decisions are up to the couple to make. In this case, the Church’s official stance is perfect, imo. The problem is that too many members can’t let go of the counsel from their own early adulthood and accept cwald’s favorite – the 14 Fundamentals. 
My wife and I got married relatively young and had kids relatively young. I wouldn’t change that for anything – but it’s not what I encourage my kids to do. The world is different for them than it was for us 25 years ago- in multiple, fundamental ways.
If one of my kids chooses a life that is similar to ours in that regard, I will support that choice – but our oldest three still are single and older than we were when we got married.
Old-Timer wrote:The Church’s official stance now is that all these decisions are up to the couple to make.
And the church’s official stance used to be that it was up to someone else?Quote:The problem is that too many members can’t let go of the counsel from their own early adulthood and accept cwald’s favorite – the 14 Fundamentals.
I think they can be forgiven for that … it seems to me that they continue to get encouragement over the pulpit at GC.Yes you are bad 😮 jk jkMy advise is to look at only CURRENT church information about it. I think it’s been quite a few years since real pressure to have children has been applied.
Take what the church says officially and consider it, and then go with what YOU PERSONALLY FEEL IS RIGHT. I have made so many bad decisions by ignoring my heart and going with the Church line of thinking. You have solid reasons for not having kids right away. I say delay it until you feel right about it. And don’t feel selfish, bad or anything else — do what is right for you and your husband, and only the two of you can decide that. And by the way, have fun one night, you and your husband, coming up with one-liners to share with people who make jokes or serious statements about having children.
My wife and I were physically unable to have children for the first 5 years or our marriage, so I understand how it feels.
Also, recognize there are several interests at work here. One is the fulfilment that comes from raising children in a loving home. Another is the church’s tendency toward growth and self-perpetuation. I feel that part of the whole philosophy of having kids right away, being married young, etcetera, is that it’s good for the population growth from within the church — as well as the fulfilment that parents can enjoy.
So, let your own interests prevail here, do what is right for you and your husband and everyone else’s opinion can lie fallow.
I like what SD had to say. My Wife & I had difficulty conceiving. The next thing we knew, we had (2) boys a year apart.
Talk about pressure.
Don’t let anyone try to dictate how to live your life.
Discover the adventure on your own terms.
Mike from Milton.
I have known families who have had children young while the parents were still in school, or have unsteady employment at low pay and eight children or something like that. These families have gotten a lot of welfare assistance from the ward. Of course, my small family, with only one child born after I started my “career,” has also had to rely on welfare assistance from the ward. So there are no guarantees. You can try to make sure you’ll be self-reliant and still need help, and that can actually be a blessing, to help you humble yourself and not look down on the big families that always seem to need help and whose children always seem to have discipline problems to boot. It is not for me to judge them, but it is easy to: what’s wrong with them — can’t they see how irresponsible it is to bring so many children into a household that doesn’t produce the resources to take care of them?
On the other hand: what inspiring faith they have, to live according to the dictates of their conscience, even if they fail to take care of their children all on their own.
Self-reliance is a tricky concept. In the total analysis nobody can ever be truly self-reliant. But American opinions do tend to look on even Church welfare recipients as ne’er-do-wells and drains, at least such was my perception before I had to get it myself. It is true there are moochers and abusers even in “the Lord’s way.” But that’s another story. It is not for me to judge a family for being crazy enough to have too many children or have them too young. Better for me to cultivate respect for their courage, all the more so since we never felt that we could do that. We acted by what we felt was right and prudent. If the Church were living closer to the intent of the Law of Consecration I would have felt ourselves with less reason to wait.
It is also true that the men who I have heard or read saying “just let the children come” raised (or “reared” – how come they always use that word? Every time I hear or read about rearing children I think of diapers and spankings, maybe they do too and that’s why they use it?) — I say, it’s true they raised their children in a different time. And these are also the
menwe’re talking about here, and during the child-raising years of most GA’s, the culture still held women subservient and demanded their self-sacrifice. Not to mention that the men who are called as GAs do tend to be wealthier men who have been able to bring home enough money for their wives to raise their children comfortably. It is a beautiful concept: a young family, husband and wife both sacrificing to raise children with the proper care, confident that their needs can be met through cooperation should their individual efforts fall short, able to draw on support from extended family and community for all their tasks of tending children and managing households. The atomistic private domesticity cult that the Victorian age saddled us with has, in my opinion, more responsibility for shrinking families than women awakening to develop their talents outside the nursery.
Even so, women have been the ones who have promoted birth control, and it started not from selfishness but to save women’s lives.
I’m rambling. Good night.
Personal experience: We were in a spot where we were financially prepared to have children when we got married and had children very quickly. Our first was born 2 days after our first anniversary.
In retrospect it was a large mistake for our marriage. We could have used a few years to really get to know each other, gel, and frankly grow up a little together.
I honestly think it is a really good idea and arguably more ethical to wait a few years after marriage to have kids:
1) You will be better parents with a little more maturity and marriage experience under your belt.
2) You will have a stronger base to your relationship when the very significant stresses of raising children occur.
3) Problems in marriage often show up in the first few years. Being forced to stay in a bad marriage for the children isn’t great for the children – it would be a lot more healthy for them to have parents in a good marriage. Also if a divorce is going to happen because it doesn’t work it would be better to figure this out before there are children. (And temple marriages are just about as likely to end in divorce as any other.)
4) Being financial strapped creates a lot of stress. Being a new parent is very stressful. You will not be nearly as good of a parent if you are stressed out. You owe it to your future children to be the best parent possible. This means not having them before you are ready and not having more than you can handle effectively. The church understands that teenage mothers are not ready for babies and that it is often in the best interest of the child to give them a better home – the same principle applies to you.
5) Having children before you are ready financially and otherwise can put major stress on your marriage. A marriage can be damaged and potentially fail that otherwise would have been very successful by having children too soon in some cases. Damaging your marriage isn’t doing your kids any favors.
6) A woman generally makes a major shift role from “wife” to “mother”. For the husband the shift is much less extreme. It is often the case where the husband feels very left out – almost a third wheel when this happens. This can be difficult at any point, but from my personal experience I wish my wife had been a wife longer before she was a mother. I honestly feel our relationship and parenthood would have greatly benefited had it been that way.
You should recognized that authority figures speaking are often still opinions – even in general conference. There is a difference between speaking as a man and speaking as a prophet. Too many things in this church have changed way to often for you to get overly wound up over something that is said that is not strictly doctrinal and/or scriptural.
They are teaching general principles. Make your own decisions on what is right for you.
Wow, all of you said such great things. You all made amazing points. Thank you, RiceandBeans for sharing your experience. I’ve had family whose had to rely on welfare aid, and know many who have, and I don’t judge them. It’s tough times for so many people right now. bc_pg, I think your words of wisdom touched me the most. I think why it’s so hard for me, is that I’ve always had such a low self esteem, and always care too much about what others think of me. I don’t know why. My husband is opposite. Talking about the role from “wife” to “mother” shift. I’ve read so many things about people putting their children first, when it’s your spouse who should come first. Their the reason you all created this family. I’m terrified of a lot of things about having children. That’s one of them. I want my husband to feel apart.
I guess I’ve been really questioning this, since my husband’s sister left her husband after 3 years of marriage. They have 2 children, and the 2nd isn’t even a year old yet. The first pregnancy was an accident, 5 months after being married. It’s hit me really hard, and affected me in a way I don’t understand. There’s been a lot of divorce in my family, so I don’t know why this particular thing is hurting me so. I guess because I’ve only been married a year, and scared for the future.
I digress. That’s a whole other topic.
Thank you, everyone for your wise words, opinions, and advice. It’s enlightened me a lot.
bc_pg wrote:6) A woman generally makes a major shift role from “wife” to “mother”. For the husband the shift is much less extreme. It is often the case where the husband feels very left out – almost a third wheel when this happens. This can be difficult at any point, but from my personal experience I wish my wife had been a wife longer before she was a mother. I honestly feel our relationship and parenthood would have greatly benefited had it been that way.
The marital shift can be immense. We waited 2 years before we had our first child and had our 2nd child 6 years later. Both times it felt to my husband the equivalent of ditching him for a cuter model and getting ticked at my husband when he didn’t want to support us. So he did what he could to serve us, but there were times when it was given grudgingly out of obligation. It didn’t help that he became a stay-at-home dad and I went back to the workforce after 8 weeks. Not to mention my hormone induced roller-coaster of feelings….
The first time around it completely broadsided both of us and we were very unhappy for the first 9 months or so. The second time wasn’t so bad for my husband because he knew that these feelings of rejection were on the horizon – it wasn’t easy though. My husband observed I truly didn’t come back to being myself until around the 18 month mark.
AmyJ wrote:
bc_pg wrote:6) A woman generally makes a major shift role from “wife” to “mother”. For the husband the shift is much less extreme. It is often the case where the husband feels very left out – almost a third wheel when this happens. This can be difficult at any point, but from my personal experience I wish my wife had been a wife longer before she was a mother. I honestly feel our relationship and parenthood would have greatly benefited had it been that way.
The marital shift can be immense. We waited 2 years before we had our first child and had our 2nd child 6 years later. Both times it felt to my husband the equivalent of ditching him for a cuter model and getting ticked at my husband when he didn’t want to support us. So he did what he could to serve us, but there were times when it was given grudgingly out of obligation. It didn’t help that he became a stay-at-home dad and I went back to the workforce after 8 weeks. Not to mention my hormone induced roller-coaster of feelings….
The first time around it completely broadsided both of us and we were very unhappy for the first 9 months or so. The second time wasn’t so bad for my husband because he knew that these feelings of rejection were on the horizon – it wasn’t easy though. My husband observed I truly didn’t come back to being myself until around the 18 month mark.
Amen. I don’t think anyone mentioned that having your first kid will take a HUGE hit on your marital happiness. I mean HUGE! I wish someone would have told me, “that is going to be the hardest part of your life.” It would have made me realize that both me and my wife’s relationship would get better and that it wasn’t the new normal. I have been VERY clear to my kids and have told them to hold off having kids until they are really really ready. I even said, “I think the church is wrong in this day and time with the advice to just do it.”
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