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Mods please move this to the proper channel if it doesn’t belong here. So here’s my story…
I have been an LDS member my entire life. But here in my 4th decade in this mortal existence, after looking back on my life, I find myself in a crisis of faith.
It first started when I was nine years old. A year after my formal baptism. My father passed away. Things went down hill soon after. In just the space of four years it was necessary to leave my home state. We spent the next year and a half moving around trying to find a place to settle down. Throughout my teens I was subjected to very serious bullying from my classmates due to my family’s financial position. Ultimately I wound up dropping out of high school so I could get a job and help pay bills…had I known the family would have been eligible for more state assistance had I stayed in school, I would have stuck it out.
Struggling through my late teens and early 20s I eventually joined the Navy. I thought this was a blessing, and in many ways it was and still is…but my experience would turn ugly. Graduated A-School I got orders to go to Japan! A country I’d wanted to visit since my youth, since before my father’s passing. I reported aboard ship and was soon facing the hardest trial of faith I’d have in my life at that point. A single LDS member in Southeast Asia in the Navy. During this time I fell in love with Japan. The country, the culture, the people. I fell in love with a woman who lived in Kyoto, and would visit her every month. Our relationship was chaste and happy. Did I care she was a non-member? No. Did I care she was a single mother? No, I wanted to be the father her infant daughter deserved to have. I was six months away from a promotion exam. Had I passed I would have been required to move off base, and the intention was to propose to this woman once housing was secured. I
hadthese plans. Sounds great, right? Here’s where my story turns ugly once again. By virtue of faith I was unable to engage in the one thing sailors are known for around the world regardless of nationality. Rather than seeking the red light districts and engaging in nights of womanizing I would instead visit the tourist areas and do the tourist things, and even the tourist things in the traditionally non-tourist areas. This made me a threat in the eyes of some shipmates. I was soon subjected to vile discrimination and persecution. It got to the point I was approaching my chain of command to handle the situation. By the time the Chief Engineer, head of my department, was involved, the damage had been done. I was forced to accept a bogus medical discharge or face a court martial. The night before I left my ship in Manila I was told by my Chief Engineer that he was aware what was going on, and the reason why people were doing this to me is because they were afraid I would go to the Inspector General. This was not a thought that had crossed my mind at all. In retrospect I know what I should have done when I returned to Yokosuka to begin the discharge process, but I was too shocked that in this day and age, in this military that is sworn to support and defend a consitution granting the right to freedom of religion, that I would be put through this.
Upon return the US I was given a choice: move to Missouri with my family, or stay in San Antonio and face homelessness. I moved. There was some struggle, but soon after I found a tech school that would teach me aviation maintenance. Having been bitten early in life by the aviation bug I leapt at the opportunity. I excelled at the schooling and three months before graduation I had my A&P certificate and NCATT certificate in hand….a month later things went south yet again. A search warrant was executed at my home and I was taken into custody. After languishing on suicide watch
for 14 monthsin the county jail, with no wherewithal to defend myself and relying on an infamously overworked and underfunded public defender I was sentenced to 10 years in prison. Seven years later I was released on parole. Through this 35 year comedy of errors I have also had 27 to 31 serious relationships (depending on how one counts) and only one ended amicably.
Since my release I have found it hard to connect to anyone. I am facing an excommunication hearing, and this scares me to the point I have only set foot in church less than 10 times in the last two years. I am severely unhappy to the point I have been contemplating suicide and twice I had to isolate myself so that I could not take my life, and the only thing keeping me from proceeding is the inability to resolve the conflict between a “clean” death and a fast death. The four things in life that would make me happy, each one a righteous goal in and of itself, are now out of my reach and despite looking hard I see no way to attain those goals. I find happiness in nothing else.
Yes, there have been good times, there have been blessings. But it seems that the bad has far outweighed the good. I can’t even say I have my health, I’ve been covid positive and symptomatic since Christmas!
Despite praying endlessly on this I am unable to find comfort, I am unable to attain any measure of happiness regardless of how small, and I have not been allowed to die. So here’s the question. Does Heavenly Father hate me? Am I cursed? I understand Satan is responsible for much of the world’s woes. But I also been taught the he cannot act without Heavenly Father allowing it.
Sorry for sounding whiney…but this is heavily weighing on me, and I need help.
steudl4 wrote:
Despite praying endlessly on this I am unable to find comfort, I am unable to attain any measure of happiness regardless of how small, and I have not been allowed to die. So here’s the question. Does Heavenly Father hate me? Am I cursed? I understand Satan is responsible for much of the world’s woes. But I also been taught the he cannot act without Heavenly Father allowing it.Sorry for sounding whiney…but this is heavily weighing on me, and I need help.
First and foremost I hope you’re getting the professional mental health care you need. If you are not seeing a therapist, please consider it.
I can only give you my own perspective in answer to your questions, and it’s worth exactly what you’re paying for it.
I don’t believe our Heavenly Parents hate anyone. I believe they love us all unconditionally and regardless of what we have done or failed to do.
I don’t believe anyone is cursed and I don’t believe anyone is blessed either. I don’t believe that’s how God (or Satan if there was one) works.
I believe the biggest reason we’re here is to learn and experience things we could not otherwise learn or experience and almost all of what happens to us just happens without divine (or the opposite) intervention, although sometimes those things are the result of poor choices we’ve made or things others do to us which are beyond our control (but still without intervention). Clearly some of us have harder lots and much worse experiences than others, and I’ve been there – it’s hard to recognize my first answer (God loves us) while in the depths of horrible experiences. I am sorry you have had to endure the experiences you have had.
I find it interesting how people view their lives & the obstacles they experience. For example, someone may feel very angry. This was my reaction when my faith crisis appeared.
Others may become very depressed. Others may feel like they are cursed.
Recently, my Wife & I went to dinner with a former neighbor. Nate & his family are Jewish. Nate is 94
yrs old & he is a survivor of the Nazi concentration camps. He lost most of his family in the camps.
On all outward appearances, he is a happy positive person. He tells me that there isn’t a day that he
doesn’t think of the family he has lost. Since coming to America (1950’s) he married & raise a family
that is very close & very successful. (Materially & spiritually)
I don’t believe that God curses us in this life. (Maybe the next.) I like & believe what DJ said.
The only thing I can add is Amen.
I’m so sorry that you have had to go through this. It sounds like a very difficult life. A child losing a parent alone is difficult enough but you’ve had more piled on. Therapy ( which has been mentioned) is a good option to try to work through some of your difficulties. I hope that’s a viable solution. Also know that I strongly believe that all people no matter what they’ve done or what’s been done to them have value. Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Dear friend, I hope you find some meaning and hope in the song “What Love Really Means” by JJ heller
He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He’s the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night
“Dear God won’t you please
Could you send someone here who will love me?”
Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means
Her office is shrinking a little each day
She’s the woman whose husband has run away
She’ll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would’ve stayed And she says…
Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means
He’s waiting to die as he sits all alone
He’s a man in a cell who regrets what he’s done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
“Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home”
Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said, “I know you’ve murdered and I know you’ve lied
I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you’ll listen, I’ll tell you that I…”
I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you I will give you the love
The love that you never knew
Love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew
I don’t believe anyone is cursed by God, in spite of what it might say in the scriptures about certain groups of people being cursed for generations. I believe God is a loving God. However, life has its share of negative experiences, bad luck, and trials that are hard to bear.
I would try to look forward with optimism. Do everything within your power to better your situation. Keep putting pressure on problems until they dry up and go away. Sometimes all you can do is ask for strength and keep plodding forward.
My thoughts and prayers are with you my friend — hang in there, and get some professional help. It’s nothing to be ashamed of — I have sought it to help me with my own negative feelings about myself and the world.
SD
Figured I’d give you all an update. Starting @ 1700/5PM Sunday, 06MAR22 I was short of breath. My pulse-ox was floating between 94 and 96. I went to work this morning, 07MAR22 still panting like I just completed a triathlon. Sent home immediately. Went to ER instead. Doc was briefed on recent covid history. Chest x-ray ordered, breathing treatment ineffective, battery of standard tests including two covid swabs and a flu swab. All tests negative. Doc said x-ray showed “tremendous amounts of scarring in [my] lungs from the covid.”
Considering going on disability, will consult with an attorney this week.
Read how lung scarring can potentially lead to pulmonary fibrosis, and that has average life expectancy of 3-5 years after diagnosis.
My immediate thoughts after the ER visit were “not surprising there was lung damage, concerning it’s that extensive.”
Upon learning about PF my two thoughts were “I’m okay with this. If it happens, I know my pain will end soon.” Followed by a more arrogant and concerning: “…but Heavenly Father won’t let me die, it would be a mercy.”
May you feel peace. May there be a road. Also, to echo what others have said, I strongly suggest, if you can, counseling/therapy. Another perspective and help from a trained professional can be a great gift. Not every counselor/therapist will be a good match, but there are good matches out there if we try to find them.
I had some extensive scarring on my lungs after a bout of pneumonia. That was 10 years ago and I’m still kicking. I am VERY careful about avoiding situations where I may be exposed to COVID, and I go to the doctor for treatment the second I get a cold lest it turn into pneumonia again. There is hope, therefore….I wish you the best and will say a prayer for you.
SD
@steudl4 Life has not been easy for you, I hope you find peace. I have struggled though hard and difficult times where there seemed few options available other than extreme ones. After struggling through these with and without counseling in my opinion that the latter was a much better option.
IMHO no one is cursed, but some seem to have more then their share of difficulties in life.
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