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Hello all. I just want you all to know that I truly appreciate all the supportive emails and responses. I have had further communication from family members, friends back home and the leadership. I can not disclose all the information, because I don’t want to betray anyone’s trust.
My Stake President brother sent jwald a VERY genuine and honest email. I’m not going to talk about the details in that email. My family already is upset with me about using their “words” on an “anti-mormon” website to tear down the church. I even feel terrible that I posted the kind and supportive comment from my brother who lives back East. I can honestly say that I only meant to demonstrate and defend the church, that not all of the leadership is wacko and crazy. I believe we have many, many members and leaders, like my brother back East who really understands those of us who struggle to find our way in the church. But I am sorry if I broke his trust by doing that.
Anyway, it has become obvious to me, that I am not going to be able to remain active in the church at this time. There is no “compromise” or middle way that will be accepted at this time. It’s either an “all in” or “all out” option for me. The family and church will only accept “orthodoxy” and “conformity.” I would love to be an orthodox Mormon – but my conscience and spirit will not let me “unring the bell” and I am just not wired to think and feel that way. I blame god for that.
There can be no middle way for me at this time.
Perhaps if I had been just a member without leadership callings, this would not have happened. And I must be fair and honest towards the church, I don’t know how much of this is the doing of my well-intentioned, yet over-zealous family, or the local church leadership. I just don’t know.
I have decided that my only option left at this time is to fade away into inactivity. The only way I can repair the damage and find peace is to “take a vacation.” In doing so, I will “leave the church” so to speak, and I will also “leave the church alone.” This is the only option I have if I am to mend my family relationships. I have absolutely no desire to go through church discipline or be a martyr for the middle way cause. If the church will leave me alone and let me go inactive, than I will “leave them alone” too. It’s never been my intention to “tear down the church.” Only to find some kind of way to remain a part of it, to serve and help these people in my branch, and allow my family to have the same kind of positive experiences that I was fortunate enough to have grown up within the tribe.
So I will leave the church alone and since my family and church leaders feel these sites that I look to for support and an outlet for all my frustrations and concerns about the church, are “apostate” and threatening to the church – I will discontinue with them as well. Perhaps I can salvage some kind of relationship with my family. I don’t know. As long as the church leaves me alone, I will be a lurker at best. I will keep you up-to-date if things get go south, but I seriously doubt that any kind of church discipline will happen at this time if I just fade away. I have been assured that they are only concerned about my spiritual well being.
I will patiently wait for the time when the prophets come out in general conference and welcome those who espouse the “middle way” philosophy, back into the church. If the church wants me and will accept a middle way between absolute belief and orthodoxy, or total rejection and disbelief of the “restored gospel,” I will gladly return. At this time I don’t feel like that is the message I am getting. I don’t think that is the message the church is sending at this time. I would dearly love to be wrong – so I will wait and listen to General Conference next year to find out if I am welcome in this church.
I don’t blame the church. I’m not even going to blame my family. If anything, I did bring some of this on myself by my stupid emails and even some of my posts here where I openly criticized the church’s stance on Prop 8 and the 14 Fundamentals of the Prophet, and about where I “boasted” about being a “bearded, blue shirt wearing, beer drinking EQP.” I have always been brutally honest in my writing on these boards and my letters home. Yes, I have to take some of the blame for my family’s reactions. They do not understand me in the least, and I remember a time when I would have reacted much like they have done. I will exercise the gospel and forgive them in time.
It has always been my goal and attempt to find meaning in this church, and this website has helped me do that for some time now. Unfortunately, the middle way is not an option for me at this time. I hope it works out better for those of you who are still trying to remain active for whatever reason.
I don’t know what jwald will do, but I am so grateful that I am “not alone” in all this. I have gone though hell this week. Jwald and I have come closer together these last few years as we have explored the deep spiritual teachings of God and Pure Mormonism, and she has been nothing but supportive through all of this. We will be okay.
Farewell my friends.
cwald, you’ve made many friends. Not because you’re mormon, or anti-mormon, or middle-way-mormon or any other label … but simply because you’re a good guy who is honest and has a good heart and is striving to find truth and live by what you find. I respect you. It would be nice to have you continue to participate and share your wisdom and views, but circumstances may not allow that in your opinion, and I can respect that. You need to do what you need to in your situation. Family relationships are important to happiness, in my opinion. I sincerely hope over time, you can keep them and strengthen them, if possible.
I wish you the best, and hope we can hear from you again, if that time comes. Until then, God be with you, brother. You still have friends here if ever needed. You can always email or PM confidentially if you need any support.
BeLikeChrist wrote:I think with a site like this I have hope that someday I will be an active member. Being able to vent here is helping me on the path to greater happiness and peace as an LDS member in spite of my disaffected past.
What a great example, BeLikeChrist, of being grateful for what is helping you, even while you continue to figure the rest out!I think there are many people like you that have found it nice to just have positive support, which this forum tries to provide. Thank you for sharing your positive experience from this forum. It is good to hear that and learn from your experiences.
While I hope you are able to return to full activity in the church as much as you do, if not, or if that takes time, at least you can feel we love you for who you are right now … active or not.
Its all about love, brother. And you provide your share of support for many others here. Your contributions are greatly valued!
:thumbup: … I will miss you cwald. I have often felt that we are kindred spirits. Strong affirmations to “wellness” is all you pursue. Live always with the parameters of the four sacred mountains… As always, I respect you for your good intentions and, in your last message particularly, the humility you try to live. It’s really hard not to react emtionally in situations like yours, but I admire your sincerity and attempts now at reconciliation. We teach that the family is the fundamental unit of society – even more so than the Church. God bless you in your effort to repair damaged family relationships.
Cwald– What I have seen happening here is ‘how the letter of the law killelth’ and the spirit of the law is lost. I know God led me to this group and I know Jesus loves us who are sincerely wanted to know the truth and do not accept blindly. Jesus even said that those who do not belong to their group but do great things in his name are not to be forbidden. I believe that God loves this group and all of us deep thinkers here.
I was just reading about how Jesus loved those like us:
http://www.newcovenantgj.org/web_documents/life_lessons_from_jesus_part2.htm God can work all things for good and I pray the church will come to see how we are truly some of God’s most valiant spirits for having the courage to questions just as did Joseph Smith, Martin Luther, and the great reformists.
I am sorry to see you go Cwald, but I understand completely. I’m very sad cwald 😥 but I respect you and understand why you are making this decision. I really do hope that you don’t become lost to us. I’ve really come to cherish your thoughts.May you, jwald and family be blessed in whatever thing you stand in need of,
CG
Well, I wish the local membership would react with such and outpouring of love and support when people decide to leave the community. Although I’m sure that many consider the people who post here on the fringe, or even apostate, they can’t deny that there is intrinsic caring and support for members of this little subcommunity that even the larger Church can learn from. It creates and open door, a hot meal, and a fire waiting for those who want to return that is far more inviting then judgment, ostracization or the suspicion people often receive when they express doubts or concerns. But, for cWald — Sorry I won’t be seeing your green face on our discussion forum anymore cWald. But I want to say I admire how you have hope to restore peace with your family — after their actions were clearly the kind that damage relationships. That is Christlike of you, and forgiving.
Also, you were one of the first people who responded when I shared my own trial of commitment back when I started posting here after I was floored by some actions by local Church members. I appreciated you reaching out, and also your recognition of my 1000 post anniversary. I’m also glad you have Jwald at your side and you that you apparently have your immediate family intact through all this. Some are not so lucky.
And I agree with Ray that you are showing some good humility here as well. It’s loveable. And by the way, I think we both understand the meaning of the dance we affectionately call the Mormon Hokey Pokey….perhaps we’ll run into you again. So, until we meet again, you and jWald and your family take care!!!
Cwald- I am sorry that you have gone through this trying situation this past week. I know we can all relate to what is going on with in varying degrees. I the lds church ultimately wants only members who can honestly answer all TR questions “correctly”- then most all NOM’s are on shaky ground with the lds church. But we know this… The only way I see that this situation be avoided in the future is if the lds church becomes a more mainstream Christian Church and leaves the requirement for belief in the foundational restoration claims as optional. This will take a long time and may never happen- but they are losing members because of their unwillingness to address the historical facts.
I hope you can find a community of believers that is more suited to your way of thinking and believing. I wish you and your family well.
M3GD
[edit] I just want to say thank you to everyone on this site. Providing a place to vent and encouragement to keep trying brought hope and progress to my husband who had started down a very angry path in his feelings towards the church before he found this site. This is not something any TBM member could have done for him without getting deeply offended or spiritually hurt in the process. Because of this site he will be able to just let it all go peacefully instead of letting go with animosity towards the church. Thank you for helping him to grow and helping him to heal
Cwald and Jwald, maximum respect. Possibly if you back away from the church for a time you won’t need the support of StayLDS. I hope you find nice spiritual upliftment and growth as “the gods” guide you. Maybe your LDS-ness can come later. You are okay. With love,
Tom
Silent Dawning- Quote:And its too bad, because in its most basic format, our Church encourages a healthy, clean life.They do encourage that. But they are like a controlling father figure who rousts you every day at 5:30am and demands that you get your exercise. Then he monitors what you eat/drink and follows up in a series of interviews. Its a bit silly. But they set the rules for membership and we need to follow the rules while we “live under their roof”. I just think most people will eventually find “their own place” because although they are in great physical shape- the emotional/psychological toll is too high. That is why a lot of us have found community in web communities- because we need real, true, loving connection.
The members of your ward are the reason you suffer through it all. They are the bright spot, the community- they are suffering right along with you against the (oftentimes unseen) oppressive nature of the leadership. And this leadership style was inherited- it’s not really the current leadership’s fault at all. They believe that they are acting in accordance with God’s will- in His only true church. The problem lies much deeper- and we inherited it…along with all the good stuff that came with it.
The problems, frustration, emotional distress, and unbelief will all continue as long as the core is faulty. And the bright spots will continue as well- but won’t be able to outweigh the distress in the long run. Why the distress? Because we all want to be a part of something that we can REALLY believe in. Something that inspires us and is honest. Something that doesn’t require mental gymnastics to get through or the “lowering of expectations” to appreciate. Or making a pro-con list. This is not an arranged marriage. We GET to love it- if we want to.
Sorry to go off topic- I just hurt for the pain that people have, are and will go through because of this religion- in spite of its good intentions. I am still lds by record only but find little peace in their brand of “Good News”. I just hope that people can separate a loving, kind, true God from this organization that claims to be His only bride. Faith in Christ saves us and the Grace offered through Him is the easy yoke that we seek. A church can offer neither of these- even if they claim to be the conduit to them.
M3GD
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