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In reading through most of the Introductions, I got the impression that everyone here is a life-long member of the Church. As a convert (who is now an ex-Mormon), I feel terribly alone. No matter what LDS forums I visit or what LDS blogs I read, I feel like I’m on the outside looking in. I understand what most of you write in your posts, but I feel like there is some sort of “club” which I will never belong to even if I were to return to the fold. I will always be the “convert.”
I didn’t feel this way when I was active in a ward where just about everyone was an adult convert. It didn’t matter to me that my parents were not LDS; that I wasn’t blessed as an infant; that I didn’t attend Primary; that I wasn’t part of the YW’s program; that I didn’t attend Seminary; that my DH didn’t go on a mission; that we were not married in the temple. So why should it matter now?
For some reason it matters because I just cannot seem to shake the feeling that I just do not fit in with active members, inactive members or former members because I was not born into the Church. How can I overcome this feeling of not belonging? I have posted some topics, but I often feel I really don’t contribute much of anything because my questions are so simplistic. I have deep conversations with my DH about the Church, yet when I come here, I feel most of you are so much wiser and knowledgeable because you are life-long members.
I guess in the end one can say that I am somewhat “in the Church, but not of the Church.”
There are times when I feel drawn to attend Church (at least Sacrament Meeting), but I find myself walking out of the chapel before I even open the door! As an ex-Mormon, I cannot fully participate at Church. I miss being an active participant, yet I am not ready to commit to being re-baptized. So I end up feeling frustrated.
My DH apologized last night for his having been brought up LDS because of the struggle I am going through to find my place in Mormondom. I once had a woman at an LDS forum ask me, “Why do you want to participate at this forum if you’re not a member of the Church?” When I think of that question, I end up telling myself perhaps it’s foolish for me to even attempt to be part of the StayLDS community.
Can anyone relate to anything I just wrote?
*raises hand* I’m a convert. But where I live, it is more common to be a convert that it is to be BIC. So I don’t really feel out of place. I do understand what you mean about ‘simplistic questions’ though. I do sometimes feel a little left behind since I didn’t go to seminary or whatever. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, and I’m sorry I can’t be of more help. I’m a convert, started attending at 17, joined at 18, did the mission thing at 20. Although my family never followed me, I now have five children and twelve grandchildren in the church (though two don’t believe anymore). The problem with being a convert who leaves, you have a strong guilt for having taught/introduced a fairy-tale amongst your offspring. You want to cry out, “I screwed up, I didn’t do my homework!” And as a old man, you have already figured out that no one pays any attention to old people anyway. It sucks. Really. Being a convert is more common where I live too, in the south eastern US. You are more than welcome here regardless of your membership status. We have others who have resigned or been excommunicated. You just have to want to talk about the topic of the overall mission of this community — being at peace with and enjoying the Church in some form or another. You can do that and not be a current, official member. You can do that without even attending on any regular basis.
George wrote:The problem with being a convert who leaves, you have a strong guilt for having taught/introduced a fairy-tale amongst your offspring. You want to cry out, “I screwed up, I didn’t do my homework!
I’m not there yet (my kids are still toddlers and I’m still very ‘in’) but this is my biggest fear.
Toddlers are one thing, but teenagers are repeated told to clasp the Iron Rod. I’ve even noted with my beautiful five year grand daughter, comments at the table that could only come from Sunday School, Primary, etc. I have no problem with her developing a love for Jesus and his teachings, but I also note the critical dismissal of people/things who are different than the LDS vision. Her world is being drawn up much more narrowly than mine was. With a Methodist Dad, a Lutheran Mom, a Catholic brother and wonderful Buddhist neighbors who lived next door, my world was universal in acceptance and unitarian in seeing God in different ways. If you need to leave, do it quickly. Our lives get changed in the twinkling of an eye, opportunities are lost… I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable kalola but I absolutely LOVE your posts here. I’ve drawn an image in my mind of many of the regulars here and there is a soft place in my vision where you are. 
I also can’t participate at church, and it’s very anxiety inducing for me. But I love being with my DW.
I think lots of the participants here at staylds.com are life-long members because if they had been converts and were in the same place on their personal journey, they’d probably just leave the church behind and move on. But something is compelling them to staylds or try to stay lds, whether it’s personal, family, tradition, culture, work, play, whatever.
As you know, when you’re BIC, your whole life is basically set up for you. You could almost literally go through the motions and end up being an RM, married with four kids, and all of your friends and family are LDS. And you wouldn’t even have to do very much. So, the culture becomes your point of reference for all of the big things of life: family, friends, lifestyle, locale, even job, sometimes.
I guess what I’m saying is that IN GENERAL converts who have a “crisis of faith” may more easily just leave mormonism behind. In general, it can be a little trickier with BIC to try to “leave it behind”.
swimordie wrote:
As you know, when you’re BIC, your whole life is basically set up for you. You could almost literally go through the motions and end up being an RM, married with four kids, and all of your friends and family are LDS. And you wouldn’t even have to do very much. So, the culture becomes your point of reference for all of the big things of life: family, friends, lifestyle, locale, even job, sometimes.I guess what I’m saying is that IN GENERAL converts who have a “crisis of faith” may more easily just leave mormonism behind. In general, it can be a little trickier with BIC to try to “leave it behind”.
Exactly right from my perspective.HiJolly
I agree, swimordie. I simply need to add that “the Church” often is a reflection of the local congregation. It might be true in a sense that “the Church is the same everywhere” – but it absolutely also is true that “the Church is different everywhere”.
I have lived in two wards where judgmentalism was a big issue, but I have lived in at least five wards that were anything BUT judgmental. It’s a mixed bag, and we need to acknowledge that to begin to understand the big picture, I believe.
I also want to point out the danger of describing others in judgmental terms while railing against those who are judgmental. I had a friend who left the Church because, in his own words, “They are hypocrites” – because they didn’t live perfectly the ideals they taught. That ward was FULL of loving, caring, kind, Christians – but my friend left because “they” dared to teach an ideal they couldn’t live. I failed completely in helping him see the disconnect – and it haunts me to this day.
Although I am BIC, my parents are both converts, and we always lived in places where Mormons are in the extreme minority and where most ward members were converts. When I first went to Utah, as an adult, it was a real culture shock. In a way, I often view those who traced their pioneer pedigrees back to 5 or 6 generations as the cultural Mormons, those with no real need for a testimony who knew little about their own theology and even less about others’. That’s an oversimplification, of course. But as a result of my experiences, I definitely felt like an outsider in many of the ways you describe. And yet, I’ve grown to see that I can be just as proud of not fitting in as they are of belonging to an elite circle. George wrote:Toddlers are one thing, but teenagers are repeated told to clasp the Iron Rod. I’ve even noted with my beautiful five year grand daughter, comments at the table that could only come from Sunday School, Primary, etc. I have no problem with her developing a love for Jesus and his teachings, but I also note the critical dismissal of people/things who are different than the LDS vision. Her world is being drawn up much more narrowly than mine was. With a Methodist Dad, a Lutheran Mom, a Catholic brother and wonderful Buddhist neighbors who lived next door, my world was universal in acceptance and unitarian in seeing God in different ways. If you need to leave, do it quickly. Our lives get changed in the twinkling of an eye, opportunities are lost…
hmmmm …
George. I don’t think you are getting the idea of the community here at all. It’s fine to leave, and it’s best to leave in a condition of peace. But … We’re trying to figure out successful strategies to stay, not point out how horrible the Church is and look for the first opportunity to bolt while the guards aren’t looking.
So what is the deal with this broad universal acceptance and love for everyone except the LDS? Your Methodist dad, your Lutheran mother, your Catholic brother and your Buddhist neighbor were all a part of the happy campfire sing-a-long in your heart and mind, but you can’t offer a seat to the Mormons I guess… Not a single one has any spark of the divine within them?
You can’t find personal peace, and you can’t be a part of a solution until you also have compassion for the people you think are flawed and wrong. When it comes from a place of anger, communities immediately throw up their defensive walls and man the turrets. Be the loving person you want them to be. Show them, don’t just tell them to “FIX IT!”
There’s a play that was big in France called Art about 3 men who are friends but have a falling out when one of them buys a very expensive painting that is entirely white. One of the characters is very upset that they are no longer friends, and his analyst tells him the following: “If I am who I am because you are who you are, then I am not who I am. And if you are who you are because I am who I am, then you are not who you are.”. In all our relationships, we set the tone through how we perceive others. And we reinforce our own beliefs about ourselves and others. If we see ourselves as outsiders, we will be outsiders because we will treat others as if we expect them to see us as outsiders, so they will. The way to change that cycle is by changing our own perception of others and what we expect them to do.
“but you can’t offer a seat to the Mormons I guess… Not a single one has any spark of the divine within them?” I think perhaps the fact that I have taken a seat among the Saints for over half a century says something about my love & acceptance of Mormons. What I was responding to was the statement she feared raising her children in such a controlling environment might cause her much pain further along the path. My response was simply, if you’re seriously concerned, then leave, and it might be wise to leave quickly. There is an old saying, “Give me a child until their five and I will give you a Catholic all of their life.” The same might be said of Mormons. I still attend the LDS church. I have good friends and my children find their faith community within (except the gay son).
My reference to my own heritage is simply to acknowledge religious diversity is good. We do learn tolerance for other points of view. The idea of One True Church seems to fade. The idea of the fatherhood of God and brotherhood of Man expands. I have known spiritual giants in the church. I have also known Nazi-Mormons. The trick is loving them both unconditionally and I do work hard at it. Shalom.
Thanks for clarifying George. I appreciate it. Kalola wrote:For some reason it matters because I just cannot seem to shake the feeling that I just do not fit in with active members, inactive members or former members because I was not born into the Church. How can I overcome this feeling of not belonging?
By not judging any situation other than what is here and now in your life as ‘wrong’. If you were talking with a group of Jews or Muslims or Catholics or New Agers or Episcopalians and you mentioned that you were once a convert to Mormonism but now you’re an ex-member, would they really care about that aspect of your past? No. They’d probably just accept you – to one degree or another – just as you are, but in some corner of their mind, there would be a thought (maybe) that you’re not one of them.
You’re a part of humanity. You belong to humanity and humanity belongs to you. You’re not better or worse than anyone else for any reason. If you feel that you don’t fit in with “active members, inactive members or former members”, why not try, say, humanists (ref.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Humanistshttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Humanists” class=”bbcode_url”> Is there a hobby that you particulary enjoy? Why not find a local group that does what you like to do, and if there isn’t one, start one and put up a notice online on Craigslist or something online message board. Connect with people who are passionate about what you’re passionate about!
Best wishes!
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