- This topic is empty.
-
Posts
-
hawkgrrrl wrote:
I think it depends on what we mean by “relationship.” If it means the person is active in your life on a regular basis, then I do think these run their course over time.Strong apparent wisdom…above
hawkgrrl wrote:
Most “friends” though have a selfish component that can’t be separated out. We are friends with people like bosses, clients and employees partly because of mutual benefit and partly if we like each other. Even colleagues who are equal can have a benefits component (allies, support for our projects or goals, shared work product) that can make the relationship important at the time but then goes away. We each want to feel important and special, but sometimes, without the weight of those obligations and benefits, we simply . . . aren’t that important or special to that person.
More wisdom. I think I’ve learned that again, I expect too much from myself in terms of keeping relationships going for the long term. They truly are for the short-term or medium term. Long term relationships are hit and run connections, in most cases. People are lucky to have one good friend who is like a family member.
SD, I would be curious to know do you have any close friends that has Quote:stood the test of time
It is hard to believe that all have diminished. Assuming you do have close friendships, why do they remain close?Minyan Man wrote:
SD, I would be curious to know do you have any close friends that haveQuote:stood the test of time
It is hard to believe that all have diminished. Assuming you do have close friendships, why do they remain close?
I usually have about two close friends – very close where we share all, and talk regularly. This can be anywhere from weekly to ever couple months. At times I’ve had 3 of them.
Lately, I lost two of them. One just changed — she was a community service partner who used to introduce me as her mentor. She went on to lead the organization after I left it, and we partnered on a lot of successful and a couple not-so-successful large scale events. Once she even asked me to join her and her young son on what seemed to much like a date/family outing (fireworks) and I had to say “no”. I won’t go into her most recent list of abuses, but I’m not impressed and have ended that one. She crossed too many lines too many times over a period of 8 years, to the point forgiveness wasn’t enough to restore trust. And my long-term relationships are based on trust, not forgiveness. I think she outgrew my knowledge and doesn’t need me anymore. There is a bit of arrogance and egocentrism about her needs in there — she no longer needs me and it shows in her attitudes.
The other — he’s a former LDS Bishop. We got married in the same month. We were close friends for 26 years and served in the same Ward for a long time. As I grew more and more unorthodox, he got less and less tolerant with me. In recent years I’ve found him more and more distant. I visited him, and I think it’s partly age, but I think the relationship is done. We talked every month or so for 26 years, often for hours. In March he was toying coming to see me and then gave an obscure reason about why he couldn’t come; I found he went to Cuba after his son picked up the phone. Once we did a joint trip, and he didn’t pay his fair share at the end. I let it go….but recent peeing in the pool has made the relationship untenable in other ways. Sad after 26 years.
I still have one colleague at work who is a close friend. We are both immigrants, both work at the same place, exercise together now and then, and tend to share all. We talk weekly. It’s my last close relationship. We have been pretty close friends for 10 years. that may die as much of our conversation centers on our word; if we take different jobs that could kill it. See @hawkgrrl’s post above.
After that’s gone, it’ll be my wife and that’s it.
I’m not that close to my kids anymore — one because I’m not active in the church and she seems to grow tired of me and needs regular, long, extended breaks, and the other is a teenager who barely talks.
The close relationships remain close, according to the people I’ve had such relationships with, because of the quality of my ideas. Apparently, they get a lot out of talking to me — how to handle situations, philosophy, research, and in the case of the community service person above, all the resources and know-how I would give her. I hope I don’t sound like I’m bragging, but they all have told me at different times they find my conversation stimulating and intelligent. I also believe my tendency to reach out and keep the relationhips alive, and to initiate experiences together also helped. Throughout their terms of these relationships, iff I dropped the outreach, then the relationships in the first two cases would surely have died. They tend to last because I keep investing in them.
Hope that answers your questions….I appreciate you asking me.
It varies radically from person to person. I have relatively few truly close friends outside of Internet associations. That just is how it is for me. My wife, on the other hand, has many close friends – and a large number have remained friends for years. That just is how it is for her. We both are friendly people, but she is more open than I am emotionally. It makes a difference.
My modern life comment deals with the ability to be mobile – and to make numerous casual acquaintances and reasonably good friends online. Modern life makes it possible to maintain friendships and associations, but it also tends to move people around more than in the past. Neighborhoods aren’t as tight as they once were, and neither are extended families. Truly tight friendships can be divided, as well.
Let me put it this way: Some people crave the “bonds” of friendship; other people don’t.
Old Timer wrote:
Let me put it this way:Some people crave the “bonds” of friendship; other people don’t.
I appreciate your clarification of “modern times” and how they influence relationships.
To your comment above, if I can rely on personality theory. There is one trait that is consistent across the population — in some people. It’s a desire for a few close relationships, rather than a lot of shallow relationships. For example, people who like a few close relationships might feel bored or stifled having to do everything in a big group where there are few opportunities to sit and talk deeply. Others would thrive in this environment.
I remember on my mission our zone went to Disneyland on an approved P-Day. I hated the whole day. I just followed around the person who directed the large group, which largely stayed together. There were a few hit and run conversations between rides with different people, and conversation non-starters as we waited, bored in line. Contrast that with a 3 day hike I took with one of my close friends in the list above. We walked and talked all day, at night, and then around the fire and then in the tent at night. Very fulfilling for me.
I guess I’m sad about the implosion of 2 of my 3 good friendships, since I’m the guy who likes a few close relationships and nothing more.
The conversation has been enlightening though. I don’t feel badly that my relationships have imploded. In both cases, it’s me deciding to turn off the relationship due to hitting my limit on forgiveness and trust. It’s time to forge new ones, I guess. Or wait with hope until they come along.
I’m in the camp of those that really don’t crave the bonds of friendship. Yes, I have friends but there’s no need for me be in contact with them all the time. My best friend is my wife. But, like Curt says, that’s just me and other people are different. I could seriously be a hermit. Quote:I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain
I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
A number of you have talked about how your wife is your best friend. That has been true for me too. Recently there has been a drastic change. My wife has been treated with depression & paranoia for the past 10 years. Recently it has changed
to include bipolar disorder. It has developed into very delusional thinking & beliefs. Accusations of being unfaithful & having
other children with other women. As a reminder, I’m 74 yrs old, in poor health & I don’t have the energy. There are times
when it is funny & other times, it is just desperation. I’m not sure where it’s going or if it can be treated. She takes medication &
psychotherapy. She has been hospitalized once for a short period of time. If you met her, you would think she has it all together
with no problems & a pillar of our little community.
What I’m trying to say is, the close personal relationship I’ve had with my wife are slowly going away. So, I have to develop closer
relationships with my adult children, siblings & a friend at church. They listen, let me vent & give suggestions. Will these relationships
last forever? I hope so. For now, I need them desperately.
Minyan Man wrote:
A number of you have talked about how your wife is your best friend. That has been true for me too. Recently there hasbeen a drastic change. My wife has been treated with depression & paranoia for the past 10 years. Recently it has changed
to include bipolar disorder. It has developed into very delusional thinking & beliefs. Accusations of being unfaithful & having
other children with other women. As a reminder, I’m 74 yrs old, in poor health & I don’t have the energy. There are times
when it is funny & other times, it is just desperation. I’m not sure where it’s going or if it can be treated. She takes medication &
psychotherapy. She has been hospitalized once for a short period of time. If you met her, you would think she has it all together
with no problems & a pillar of our little community.
What I’m trying to say is, the close personal relationship I’ve had with my wife are slowly going away. So, I’ve have to develop closer
relationships with my adult children, siblings & a friend at church. They listen, let me vent & give suggestions. Will these relationships
last forever? I hope so. For now, I need them desperately.
Other than my wife, I’d say my current best friend is actually my 25-year-old son. There are things I can talk to him about that I can’t talk to my wife about. The trouble is he’s 2000 miles and two time zones away.
I know couples who have been through things similar to you, MM. I’m sorry, it is very difficult.
DarkJedi wrote:
Minyan Man wrote:
A number of you have talked about how your wife is your best friend. That has been true for me too. Recently there hasbeen a drastic change. My wife has been treated with depression & paranoia for the past 10 years. Recently it has changed
to include bipolar disorder. It has developed into very delusional thinking & beliefs. Accusations of being unfaithful & having
other children with other women. As a reminder, I’m 74 yrs old, in poor health & I don’t have the energy. There are times
when it is funny & other times, it is just desperation. I’m not sure where it’s going or if it can be treated. She takes medication &
psychotherapy. She has been hospitalized once for a short period of time. If you met her, you would think she has it all together
with no problems & a pillar of our little community.
What I’m trying to say is,
the close personal relationship I’ve had with my wife are slowly going away.So, I’ve have to develop closer relationships with my adult children, siblings & a friend at church. They listen, let me vent & give suggestions. Will these relationships last forever? I hope so. For now, I need them desperately.
Other than my wife, I’d say my current best friend is actually my 25-year-old son. There are things I can talk to him about that I can’t talk to my wife about. The trouble is he’s 2000 miles and two time zones away.
I know couples who have been through things similar to you, MM. I’m sorry, it is very difficult.
We have faith that those relationships will last, but I don’t think it’s for sure.
I believe that we are best served by learning to be happy as single people, even when in marriages. At the same time, you neede to be cultivating a lot of other relationships to replace the ones that atrophy. If you think having close relationships is important.
SD seems to be saying that some of his longstanding relationships changed when the other person’s needs were no longer being met. I agree that fundamentally all relationships are about fulfilling each others needs. It follows that sometimes as people grow and change they might “grow out of the relationship”. I believe that this can be true in marriages as well and most marriages expend some amount of energy on continuing to meet the needs of each spouse.
SilentDawning wrote:
I believe that we are best served by learning to be happy as single people, even when in marriages. At the same time, you neede to be cultivating a lot of other relationships to replace the ones that atrophy.
Yes. I have often heard that if you are generally unhappy as a single person you will likely be unhappy married as well. It is not fair to expect another person to deliver your happiness. I have also heard that maintaining additional friendships and associations outside the marriage is positive. It is not fair to the spouse that they should be expected to fulfill all your social needs. If you need someone to watch football with and your spouse doesn’t like football – perhaps the best solution is to find some friends that like football. Stay balanced – moderation in all things.Roy wrote:
SD seems to be saying that some of his longstanding relationships changed when the other person’s needs were no longer being met. I agree that fundamentally all relationships are about fulfilling each others needs. It follows that sometimes as people grow and change they might “grow out of the relationship”. I believe that this can be true in marriages as well and most marriages expend some amount of energy on continuing to meet the needs of each spouse.
Yes. I came to terms with this, this week. I lost a good friend and dealt with it with journal writing.
I have reached out to an LDS family who I really enjoy. We are getting together tomorrow for some socializing. The father and mother are both in my profession, and we always get along and enjoy conversation at church. This will help establish new ground and new relationships.
Interesting, I hope to learn from this father. He is on an “energy conservation” program in his life. Meaning, he’s really laid back. Active, a professional, but he made a comment that as soon as you go out of your way to be an achiever, you’re asking for stress and conflict. I thought that was interesting, being an achiever myself. I hope to learn about how he manages to do the bare minimum yet not feel restless, or that a train is going to run him over if he doesn’t keep achieving. That is my attitude.
One of my other, online guilty pleasures is interaction with musicians running bands. I read about relationship problems all the time there, and give advice about business, management, and other topics. One piece of advice I often give to people kicked out of bands is to start another one and make it a raging success. Success and new fulfilling relationships ease the pain of the old ones. Sometimes you end up better off than you were before!
My dad loved my mom deeply. He sacrificed greatly for her when she had her first schizophrenic breakdown. When my mother had her 2nd schizophrenic breakdown (after almost 50 years of marriage), it was brutal until her medication started working again. After she stabilized, he told one of my brothers he would never leave her – but he finally understood why some people did in similar situations.
Relationships are capable of lasting as long as is imaginable. Life, however, can get in the way.
Old Timer wrote:
My dad loved my mom deeply. He sacrificed greatly for her when she had her first schizophrenic breakdown.When my mother had her 2nd schizophrenic breakdown (after almost 50 years of marriage), it was brutal until her medication started working again. After she stabilized, he told one of my brothers he would never leave her – but he finally understood why some people did in similar situations.
Relationships are capable of lasting as long as is imaginable. Life, however, can get in the way.
You’ve mentioned a few times how your Dad stayed with, and cared for your mother in spite of the mental illness. That’s always touching. It’s a significant decision to make that kind of sacrifice. It must help, somewhat, to know that it’s an illness, like Alzheimers is. So you can discipline yourself to realize the person’s behavior is not their true character when uninhibited by biological factors.
Keeping relationships takes investment and sacrifice, that is for sure. And it’s not always good to be completely honest either.
There is a parable in the NT titled: Quote:The Friend at Midnight
. Luke 11:5-8
There is also a book titled:
Quote:Understanding the Parables of Jesus Christ
by Jay & Donald Parry.
The core principle deals with approaching God in prayer with confidence.
This story follows after Jesus taught the Lord’s Prayer to his disciples. Like all parables, this one is
open ended & makes you think about the relationship of close friends. I am not going to explain it further.
I found it very interesting. You might too.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.