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We have had to ask for releases for my wife recently. One calling was causing DW to burn out, consuming an inordinate amount of time and leaving frustration.
The second calling was for “activity days leader”. It was a calling that she enjoyed and was good at but DW had done it for a number of years and DD was graduating to YW.
In both instances we gave plenty of advanced notice (3 to 6 months). It honestly seemed really appreciated and drama free. Something like “Life is busy, juggling priorities, blah, blah, blah … I need to be released by spring break (or summer break or the new year)” has been effective for us.
These are some thoughts I have about callings and being relieved of them: First, remember the services are volunteer and we can quit whenever we want. You do not have to give a reason. You don’t have to ASK to be released. Like with any volunteer service, it’s nice for the organization if you give them time to find a replacement before quitting. So rather than saying, “please release me” instead say, “I can no longer do this calling and my last day will be ____.”
You don’t have to give a reason, but since leaders are apt to ask, consider providing a reason when you give your notice. One of the best reasons I’ve heard is “I’ve prayed and pondered a lot on this and feel that I just really need to be fed right now and I can no longer serve in this calling with the dedication it needs to have.”
If you ask, you’re inviting the leader to talk you out of it. If the decision has been made (by you, through personal revelation), you simply give the leader time to find a replacement and they cannot argue. They can grumble behind your back, they can be annoyed, but they can’t fight you and they know they can’t make you stay. You relieve the pressure on yourself and put it on the leaders.
That being said, I also believe that in this mostly volunteer church, it makes sense that we all take our turns being leaders and doing the difficult jobs. Some jobs are just not suited for us. Some jobs are really difficult if not impossible due to a variety of reasons such as faith transition, family situations, work situations, or emotional issues, to name a few. But, if we want to serve and contribute, there are usually things we can help with.
I used to think that just about everyone would accept any calling that came from the bishopric, but when I took my turn being a guy calling on those people, I found this wasn’t always the case. And when it wasn’t, these people had very good reasons for declining. I once suggested having everyone in the ward fill out a list of callings they would like. My thought was if you could get as many people serving in areas they enjoyed, you’d have happier people better able to do those callings well. Some people LOVE being nursery leaders. Others don’t like it. When you have a nursery leader who loves the calling, your nursery rocks. Same goes for scouting, YM, YW, WML, etc.
As a footnote, I have had some interesting experiences accepting and turning down callings. I’m a little musical and play a few different instruments. Many years ago, I was called by a member of the bishopric to be the priesthood pianist. I told him I don’t play the piano. He seemed a little annoyed or perplexed or something, and almost argued with me. He said they really needed to fill that calling and said they felt good about me in that position. I told him that still doesn’t mean I could play the piano. I told him I could play the guitar and would be more than happy to play the guitar for priesthood, but he declined.
I sometimes wondered if that was my chance to learn another instrument. Maybe God was giving me another chance to be a piano player and I declined. I don’t think that anymore. I just think the bishopric was being presumptuous. Besides, God knows that I would have turned all the hymns into bluesy arrangements and wouldn’t have lasted a month anyway.
LOTS of people turn down callings – and ask to be released rather quickly. I know that from first hand being in a few bishoprics. And I like the idea of getting a spreadsheet so you know what people like. That will help for some, but if they just stuck with what people put down, nobody would be RS pres, EQ Pres, Primary Pres, etc. It might set an expectation of, “But bishop, I didn’t put down THAT calling on my list!”
But you never know. I extended a call to someone that had offended most of the ward to go into the nursery. This guy was the most muscular guy in the ward. He ABSOLUTELY loved it and begged us not to EVER release him. I was shocked.
Lots of good advice, …nodding to it all. Beefster wrote:
That’s why I want the focus to be being nice to yourself and looking at what you do normally and see how that makes you a light of the world.
To me…this is the gospel in a nutshell…you are dialed in to the important thing. That is why it may not be something you need to be released for…because your voice on these priorities may be what others need to hear…if your WML or bishopric starts pushing for goals and commitments and stats and programs, even if well-intentioned…you may need to be that light that focuses on the right thing. You don’t have to do it their way, or look like other WMs. You are you. They called you as you are. If they believe in revelation…then they should accept God called you and so they get you as you are called. You don’t have to be different to qualify for the work.
Of course…part of that is taking care of yourself…and being kind to yourself…so if you just need to step away…that is fine to do what you need to find peace. But your voice will be missed.
Beefster wrote:
I get the sense that most of the church’s programs are just “more of the same but work harder.”
Very observant. I agree. I think it is why some people are stepping away. It’s boring and stale. If it is the same old same old…and that isn’t really striking me as enlightening or helpful in my situation…why go? I know what they are going to say in talks, in lessons, in comments in class….and if that is all there is…well…you choose if that is enough to be worth your time and effort. I can stay home and read the ensign if that is all they are going to say.
I think for the past few years…what I’ve been working on is being able to be in the ward, but not of it….for lack of a better way to put it. I do my own thing, I’m there for seeing how to embrace others and accept that they are who they are and worship how they will. I find overlap with what I believe…but…I allow there to be differences. I’m just doing it my way and that is good enough. Continuing in callings and teaching and accepting others and their differences is not something I can practice if I walk away and decline callings. [In full disclosure…I fluctuate between positive and negative church experiences regularly…and sometimes need a break from it…I don’t always think it is the best use of my time.]
Instead of asking to be released, I’d rather keep my calling and do it my way. They can release me if they don’t like me. It won’t bother me. But I won’t put too much pressure on myself that I try to force myself to be different than what is important to me. Frankly…I disagree with them many times. And that’s ok. I don’t have to make a statement to show I disagree…I simply disagree and do it my way…and people don’t seem to say much to me about it.
But I
NEEDto be there to practice living the gospel, even if I see things differently. I don’t know how to practice love if I walk away. That’s just me. There are many other ways to do it.
Very thought provoking, Heber. Maybe I just need a break from the teaching aspect or a better cop-out when the lesson on the week I’m supposed to teach clashes with my heterodoxy. (I managed to wiggle my way out of teaching lessons on eternal families) As for the missionary calendar, I was sure to ask for a do not contact list as soon as the assignment was sprung on me. I also could spearhead that particular assignment in a different way by putting together a spreadsheet with everyone’s availability using a Google form. I hate making phone calls. Always have.
The elders are split with a family ward again though, so that alleviates some responsibility. Maybe I’ll just set up an arrangement where the family ward gets Mondays + ~2/3 of the other days since YSA wards generally don’t have the life situation for feeding the missionaries well.
Remember, if they call you, they get you. They don’t get to define who they call; they simply extend the offer. If you accept it, they get you. What’s the worst that can happen? You get released. Wow, how terrible is that?
My father was a bishop and he told me that one of the most surprising things about that calling was how many people said “no” to callings and how many people asked to be released. My wife was in the primary presidency a number of years ago and one of her teachers gained her release by slapping down the manual in front of her and loudly declaring that she wouldn’t be back. My ultimate point is that those who post on this list take their obligations seriously which is good. That seriousness of purpose is probably what in part led them to this discussion board. But many, many members are simply social Mormons and have little compunction in turning down a calling, or asking for a release OR simply not doing it until they are finally released. I’m not saying this is what should be done but that for those of us (I include myself) who take the commitment they make or will make seriously, a calling is a big deal and asking for a release feels like a significant betrayal of our word and honor. But I would venture that this attitude is in a slight minority in the Church (I know it is in my ward).
Maybe that’s why we tend to see the same people in the high profile, high energy callings again and again and again. By the way, this:
Quote:The leaders were very clear and adamant that at least 10 hours be spent on the calling per week and we had to turn in logs of our time. Yeah.
is simply nuts!:thumbdown: A big part of my effort to StayLDS is sustainability. I have found a happy medium where the benefits I receive from church participation feel pretty even with the costs. Part of that has to do with tithing (a different topic). Another major part of this is what calling I can do and feel competent at that also fits with my work/life balance. I do not think it inappropriate to help leaders know where I can best contribute. I don’t think I can really handle this with the care it deserves in person, so I am probably going to have to fall back on less direct methods… Namely a text message. Or perhaps an email. Release notice draft wrote:
I really hate to do this with such a shortage of ward missionaries, but I feel I’m not really able to give my calling the attention and enthusiasm it deserves at this time. I’m not going to be able to do it much longer and would like to ask to be released within the next week or two. I know this comes at a bad time, but I have been dealing with some personal issues recently that make it difficult to put time into my calling. I hope you will understand and I pray that you will find success in calling new ward missionaries.
I’m super scared to do this, but I can’t take this calling much longer. Any suggestions before I send it?
This is terrifying. I don’t want to be branded a doubter or deserter. I hate that I have to back away at such a bad time for my ward. (The other ward missionary is getting married soon and we don’t have any others besides the WML and AWML)
I don’t have a YM org or a nursery to ask to be put into and the only music calling I can realistically do is conducting in sacrament meeting, so I don’t really have any suggestion options for leverage.
I’m pretty sure I’m already on the bishop’s project list and this can only make things worse.
Beefster wrote:
I’m super scared to do this, but I can’t take this calling much longer. Any suggestions before I send it?
My two-cents:
– If you sound wishy-washy, they will try to talk you out of it. ” I feel I am not… would like… next week or two” sounds wishy-washy.
– Asking to be released is asking for permission.
– Saying your calling is “difficult”, translates to “not enough faith, please strengthen me”.
– If you mention personal issues, they will inquire.
If sent as is, they will set up an appointment to meet with you. Barring that, they will stop by your place for a suprise visit. I’d try being a little more firm. “After much prayer and consideration, I will no longer be able to serve in this capacity at this time.”
What dande48 said. Keep it simple, firm, and focused on your own personal inspiration. Start with something like, “I am sorry to have to do this, but,” then use dande48’s suggestion to end it.
In Book of Mormon terms, this is what being an agent unto yourself looks like. It isn’t the easy way, but it is the better way.
There is no going back. This is what I sent: Quote:The last few months have been a real struggle for me. Just a couple years ago, I would have loved to be a ward missionary and would have been very passionate about it. Things are different now. I feel that at this point in my life, my calling is not taking me in the direction I feel I need to be going. I have thought long and hard about it. I have prayed many times about this and this is what I feel is the best thing for me at this time.
Ineedto be released. I know this comes at a bad time with such a shortage of ward missionaries and I truly am sorry for the position it puts you in. I would rather not go into detail at this time. It is a deeply personal matter.
I believe that not having this particular demanding calling may help you immensely. Someone is likely to ask you more details. they may just be curious or genuinely concerned. You may want to come up with an excuse or just to be vague but hopeful.
Good luck!
I didn’t ask, I told. I still haven’t been officially “released” over the pulpit but I no longer consider myself as holding that (or any) calling.
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