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I came across a large print triple combination (that they don’t seem to manufacture any longer) and have started reading the book of Mormon very regularly. The effect — twinges of guilt when the prophets warn us of not keeping the commandments, and a partial desires to return to church,but not in a full TR-holding capacity.
The thing holding me back is this:
When I come back everyone will want me to get active, there will be the inevitable clashes with priesthood leaders, and the need to assert myself. My current Ward, into which I haven’t stepped foot, is leaving me alone except for the odd visits from sister missionaries who don’t appear to have any agenda at all. They don’t ask us about our activity, don’t ask us for referrals, and don’t try to get us to come to church. In fact, they have served us, with one set of sister missionaries painting a 450 square foot shed for me. That was very kind.
So, what would you do if you were me — thinking of going back to church in some capacity, but not wanting to have to confront the priesthood line and keep everyone at bay?I’m probably not the best to answer the question because my experience didn’t go so well and I don’t think my experience was typical. All you can really do is communicate boundaries and stick to them. My experience followed what perhaps you’re anticipating; the leaders wanted me to be all-in and resisted my efforts to set boundaries. I can’t imagine my experience was typical though. I was told I wasn’t allowed to opt out of home teachings. I imagine most people will just experience leaders asking them whether they’re ready to to be all-in over and over and over again.
My mind was already made up by the time I made my request to opt out of home teaching, so telling me I wasn’t allowed to have that boundary had a backfire effect. I held firm. That was a long time ago, I haven’t experienced anything approaching that since.
My experience was that once I enforced my boundaries a few times I started feeling alone in a crowd at church. I’m not saying I was shunned but once I wasn’t all-in my sense of belonging started getting chipped away from both ends.
What I mean by that is that once you’re not all-in there are less opportunities for belonging. Nothing nefarious on anyone’s part, that’s just the nature of the beast. Do less at church, there are fewer opportunities to get to know people at church. That said, I think that me holding firm to my boundaries created a scenario where people at church didn’t really know what to do with me. I communicated that I wanted to opt out of home teaching but leaders took that and assumed that I was all-out. Perhaps in a desire to not offend, they may assume that someone that declines HT also doesn’t want to give talks, pray, teach lessons, etc.
I guess my only advice would be that when you’re communicating your boundaries, don’t just communicate the things you don’t want to do, also communicate the things that you’d like to do.
At church there’s always pressure to be all-in. I’ve learned to ignore it. The people that see things as all-in are probably going to continue to see things that way. It just comes with the territory. That doesn’t mean I have to adopt those same attitudes though.
I have had the experience of returning to church after a long absence. I’d have to say it went OK, but far from perfect. I think the key was meeting with the bishop beforehand and expressing my concerns, and as Nibbler points out, standing firm in my expectations. I know the bishop can’t control what everyone says or does, but he can influence the ward council and that’s what I asked him to do. I told him I wanted no “fanfare” or recognition or “Hey, I haven’t seen you in years, how ya been?” stuff. The council (and by extension those who serve with them) seemed to do pretty well, but of course there will always be the buffoon who has to do the aforementioned “Hey….” I only encountered a couple of those. The other thing I stood firm on was no calling, assignment, invitation, etc. – nothing. On the first day I stayed in the parking lot and had a friend text me when the opening song began and entered then (and sat on the back row near the door). In hindsight, leaving during the closing song would have headed off the buffoon (and when I return again my plan is enter during opening, leave during closing, I don’t intend to stay for second hour – maybe ever). Of course this situation took place in a ward where I had been a member for many years and knew the vast majority of the people, which sounds a bit different than your situation.
If I were in your situation, I would say something like: “I want to remain a member of the Church, worship here, and help others, but I don’t want a calling or pressure to do more than I can. I had a bad experience in the past and can’t go through that again. I want to participate like a non-member fellow worshipper. I don’t want to leave. I want to be here. I just can’t do more.”
If anyone mentions a calling at some point, or tries to give you a responsibility you don’t want, I simply would smile, say thanks, and then say, “I can’t, but if you need help serving someone, I will if I am available.”
SilentDawning wrote:
So, what would you do if you were me — thinking of going back to church in some capacity, but not wanting to have to confront the priesthood line and keep everyone at bay?
I wouldn’t go back because I personally assume that that confrontation is inevitable.
But I have interactions with the Primary and YW groups now where we still have a dialogue about activities, so I set boundaries. I set the boundary of “I am happy to get invites to community or service activities via email or text if it is convenient”. So I take our eldest to stake service activities where we can actually help and it is supportable for our mental health. I get the Activity Day activity info from the leader, and I have already set that expectation so they make reasonable expectations. Mostly my default script for active adults in the church who approach me is “It’s complicated and here is what I can contribute” [Very similar to what others have recommended]. Everything else is labeled under “find common ground instead of triggering others” priorities of approach.
Local leadership and personal dynamics determines a lot. Since I am a “strong women who could return and bring my family back” haha who is located in the mission field of the Mid-West, there is some of “they need me (or my family – don’t forget the family) more than I need them”. It would be a vastly different dynamic if church community was an important aspect of my spouse’s life, if my children were heavily socially invested in the church social scene, or if we lived close to family members heavily engaged with the church community. SD, I have gone back and I did the following: . keep a low profile.
. I sit in the back. SP & other leaders seldom come to “outer darkness”.
. I do Family History & like it. FH is not a priority in our part of the kingdom.
. In Sunday School, I do not volunteer the scripted answers to questions.
. In PH, I take the opposing view (diplomatically). That way I communicate that I’m an “outsider”.
. My social contacts are usually the older members who know me and tolerate me.
. I go to very few social events.
. I extend myself to new members or visitors.
. I’ve tried to develop the position that I attend for me & leave.
. I have the personal view to “take what I can use & leave the rest”.
– I’m old & cranky.
Based on what others are saying, it sounds like the clash with priesthood leaders is inevitable. I am thinking of attending wards other than my own as a result. In a rotation. They lose interest in you when you aren’t a permanent member of the ward. This means I can introduce myself as just visiting and that I am from Ward X. That should shut everyone down. Doing the math, if I go to church every other week, and rotate among 5 wards, that means each ward sees me once every 10 weeks. Since I am not in those wards, ever, this should not raise eyebrows.
SilentDawning wrote:
Based on what others are saying, it sounds like the clash with priesthood leaders is inevitable. I am thinking of attending wards other than my own as a result. In a rotation. They lose interest in you when you aren’t a permanent member of the ward. This means I can introduce myself as just visiting and that I am from Ward X. That should shut everyone down.Doing the math, if I go to church every other week, and rotate among 5 wards, that means each ward sees me once every 10 weeks. Since I am not in those wards, ever, this should not raise eyebrows.
Probably not a bad plan if it works for you. It definitely would accomplish the goal of not having a calling, especially of none of the wards are the ward you are actually assigned to.
For the record, I did not mean to imply there was any conflict with priesthood leaders in my previous return to church. The bishop was extremely accommodating and absolutely kept his end of the bargain.
SilentDawning wrote:
Based on what others are saying, it sounds like the clash with priesthood leaders is inevitable. I am thinking of attending wards other than my own as a result. In a rotation. They lose interest in you when you aren’t a permanent member of the ward. This means I can introduce myself as just visiting and that I am from Ward X. That should shut everyone down.
That would work to resolve that potential situation, I think.
SilentDawning wrote:
Doing the math, if I go to church every other week, and rotate among 5 wards, that means each ward sees me once every 10 weeks. Since I am not in those wards, ever, this should not raise eyebrows.
They eyebrow-raising question that may come up the 6th time you visit the ward (so approx. 2 years into this pattern) may be, “Why are you visiting now?” because they may be onto a pattern of sorts.
Potential Answers:
A) “It worked best with my schedule”.
“I wanted to be here.” NOTE: This one needs a deliberate pause to convey “full stop” before a subject change.In other words, if they ever suspect that there is a pattern behind your attendance and try to get the full story, that could get messy in terms of boundaries. That has a lot of “ifs” though.
It sounds like you’re in a bit of a tough spot, wanting to reconnect but not deal with the pressure. If I were you, I’d try easing back in on my terms. You could attend some services without committing to everything right away—just enough to feel things out and see how comfortable you are. As for the priesthood leaders and others, setting clear boundaries early on about your current needs might help keep the pressure at bay. If the sister missionaries are already being kind and not pushing you too much, that’s a good sign that you can take things at your own pace without feeling overwhelmed.
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