Being Married to a TBM

[Anonymous]

Our complaining about this guy doesn’t fix it. He needs someone to talk to him. All the critical comments are doing is building her justification in being mad at him which leads to further trouble, not fixing it. While he is in the wrong he needs someone to tell him that, whom he trusts or at least will listen to openly.

[Anonymous]

DBMormon wrote:

Our complaining about this guy doesn’t fix it. He needs someone to talk to him. All the critical comments are doing is building her justification in being mad at him which leads to further trouble, not fixing it. While he is in the wrong he needs someone to tell him that, whom he trusts or at least will listen to openly.

I think you’re right about that, but maybe others are keying in to

Quote:

I mostly seek understanding and the knowledge that there are others experiencing the same trials that I am.

I think I kind of missed that the first time. Us guys always want to fix stuff. So let me add my voice to the chorus: Meoclew, your hubby was way out of bounds. He deserves a bitch slap for that one. But as you say

Quote:

he is being as supportive as he knows how to be, and our conversations on the matter have evolved from “I’m afraid I must insist that you wear your garments at all times,” to not mentioning it. Certainly an improvement.

So there’s reason to hope he’ll keep improving, and I’m sure that doing your best to keep your cool and not get offended (which can be tough if he keeps saying stuff like that) is the best way to encourage that. Hang in there in the meantime.

[Anonymous]

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful comments! It’s an amazing comfort for me to know that I have so many friends (and strangers nonetheless) in my corner. Roy, I am thrilled to hear that my thoughts have served a purpose beyond my own venting; thank you so much for sharing that with me.

I want to briefly confess that my portrayal of my DH is not complete, and not completely fair. While he did say and do the things I described in the post, they were his lower moments in our discussions of garments (which does seem to be something of a trigger for him). In most of our other interactions, even when he disagrees with me, he has been extremely loving and kind. And most of all, he has been improving. He has been adapting to the changes in me with much more grace than I think I would have had our positions been reversed. He has made comments that have been insensitive and unhelpful, but he is trying so hard to somehow follow the dictates of his own conscience (obey his church leaders) and be the husband that I need him to be. Even since posting this, I have seen a softening in him, and I think it’s only a matter of time before we can find a compromise that we both feel at peace with. I have high hopes for our future.

I brought up marriage counseling to him, and while it made him nervous at first, I think that he’s warming up to the idea. Today I also suggested that he look into FacesEast.org, which seems to be a forum rather like this one except for the purpose of supporting our wonderful TBM spouses (and with generally poorer grammar, though I try not to judge). Thank you again for your support; I don’t know what I would do without you all. Please continue leaving your thoughts and suggestions :thumbup:

[Anonymous]

I frequently read and post at FacesEast. I’m glad you referred your husband there. It can help.

I understand where your husband is coming from. I was the TBM in our marriage (and still am the one who is “active”). I eventually ended up on this site when seeking to understand my husband led to a personal crisis of faith.

I am not going to say it’s fair for him to control what you decide to wear. You each have to respect each others’ agency. The concerns about being “walking pornography” are a bit ridiculous. But, I’d agree with DB Mormon that he’s basing his argument on what he’s learned at church. He’s using “Mormonese” to explain something that is terrifying him. I suspect your husband’s experiences with family members have made this traumatic for him. But even if that were not the case, your changing faith is likely to be very painful to him.

On Faces East, we’ve had lots of discussion from people whose dissaffected partners told them they could not find them attractive in garments. That hurts! In almost every case, it is more about what the garments represent, and NOT your actual appearance. Emotional connection is a big part of attraction. So these disaffected men were seeing the garment as a symbol of a church they felt “deceived them.” So that would bring up hurt and sadness, instead of feelings of intimacy. It had nothing to do with the actual attractiveness of the partner, and more to do with their feelings about the garment.

Likewise, the garment serves as a very powerful symbol for believers. I can tell you that back in my TBM days, I struggled with my husband’s decision to stop attending church. His removing his garments once and for all felt very final, frightening, and scary. I associated the garments with the temple, and the temple with our marriage. I felt afraid that if he could let go of the temple covenants to wear garments, did that mean he was going to give up on our temple marriage too? It took me time to understand that his faith had changed, but his love and commitment stayed constant.

I suspect your husband feels the same way. I second the suggestion that you reassure him many times that you have questions, but intend to still live by the same moral guidelines, keep firm in your commitment to him, and that you can work through this.

Please realize that for a spouse this is very scary. He may feel his world is coming crashing down, and it is outside of his power to do anything about it. He will grieve. He may say some really dumb things, as he tries to re-gain his equilibrium. Give it time, and try to see the fear and hurt behind the actions. A faith crisis can be hugely life changing for you both. I can tell you that strong marriages DO get better, despite differences in belief. I’ve seen it myself in my own life.

I hear faith crises can be resolved to, but I’m still working on that one…

Best of luck and much love to you both.

[Author]

Posts