between a rock and a hard spot

[Anonymous]

Hi keepswimmin, welcome to the board!

First of all, know that you are surrounded by people who can truly empathize with the position you find yourself in – we all know it’s a struggle trying to balance everything and reach a spot you feel comfortable with.

I agree with the advice DJ, Cadence, and others have given here, especially about playing it close to the vest. Some TBMs think you are totally going off the deep end by having the feelings you have expressed. Choose to come here instead.

You mentioned that you hadn’t studied much, so I will add how that actually helped me last year. I was teaching primary and wanted to do a good job, so I would look for information on the Internet to “enhance” my lessons. What I found was a bunch of truth the church deceptively hides from the membership. At first it really made me mad that they would do that while preaching the importance of honesty. But over time the effect has been for me to realize that church leaders are human and bring that with them in directing the institutional church, which to me at any given point may or may not be inspired. The result has been liberating since now I don’t buy into all they say – I need to get my own confirmation from the spirit on general conference talks, etc. Like others here, I pick and choose what to accept, but the irony is that I’m living a more Christlike life since I am doing things out of want and not fear.

I wish you well on the journey.

[Anonymous]

keepswimmin wrote:

I might sound naive.. but can you explain seperating church and gospel? I think I understand but I like to know what you mean

The gospel and the church are separate and distinct, although intertwined. The gospel is Jesus is the Christ, love your neighbor, etc. while the church is the vehicle for teaching and implementing the gospel. It’s easy to confuse the church with the gospel. The church includes the gospel but the gospel is much bigger and simpler than the church. Many Church doctrines are part of the gospel but not all are, while most policies are not part of the gospel. It can also be difficult in some instances to decipher which is doctrine and which is policy and then which are part of the gospel.

[Anonymous]

thalmar wrote:

I feel so much like I am between a rock and a hard spot. I feel very much like I am being forced to follow certain rules that I think miss the mark in order that I may experience certain spiritual things that have a lot of meaning and power for me. I have gone through a process for many years regarding sexuality and the WoW. I treat sexual addictions for a living. I treat drug addictions for a living. I have worked for years with LDS people who consider themselves to be sex addicts simply because they masturbate. They are being identified by spouses and bishops as sex addicts, when they actually do not meet any real criteria for sex addiction.

I see similar dynamics with the WoW. I see LDS people become downright obsessive about avoiding caffeine, alcohol, and coffee and completely disregard the actual consequences of real health. Some wine is good for you. Alcohol has some benefits but obviously can become addictive, like most things in life. A mountain dew will always be far worse for your health than coffee, yet one will keep you out of the temple (if you admit drinking coffee) and the other won’t.

I simply completely disagree now with what the word of wisdom has become in our modern church. I have not once heard a GA speak about following the word of wisdom by seeking organic food, avoiding processed foods, eating sugar in moderation, etc. Only the alcohol and coffee and drugs are mentioned. I have watched people in my counseling become absolutely drowned in sexual shame for masturbating or looking at porn sometimes. The shame can be so powerful. I just recently had an LDS family I work with, where the 15-yr-old daughter had her first sexual experience through oral sex and the father, when he found out about it, told her what she did was next to murder. !!!!!!!!!!!! The anger that kindles in me is so strong, because I get to work firsthand with the intense damage. There are few messages that can be sent that are more damaging to a young teenager than to teach them that their sexual desires or mistakes with sexual behaviors is next to murder. They are so far apart. Adultery, wherein true betrayal takes place and hearts are literally broken to pieces…now that I can see as being up in the ranks of serious sins. I know how I would feel if my fiancé cheated on me and even thinking about a hypothetical is almost too much for me to contemplate. But adolescent sexual experimenting is nothing of the sort. It is risky. It can be dangerous. It can be harmful…but it is nothing like what church culture states it to be.

These issues signify missing the mark to such a great degree in my mind that I can barely stand it at times. I have decided to drink alcohol at times. I feel very passionately about avoiding addiction. I feel passionately about moderation in all things. My fiancé and I are sexual, because my heart is tied to her more securely than any temple ordinance or legal paper could create for me. I live healthier than I ever have. I eat raw foods. I pay conscious attention to my health. Back in the days of strict WoW obedience, I barely paid attention to my health, but boy did I do a good job on those things. And I got to go to the temple as a result. Back in the days of strict obedience to sexual standards, I could go to the temple, but I was clueless as to what healthy sexuality looked like. I was rife with fear of women tempting me. I was terrified of sexual mistakes. I carried heavy shame about my own sexual desires. I feared my sexual desires. To engage in sexual sin really was next to murder in my mind, because that is what the church taught. I spent most of my life feeling terrible about myself and pleading to God in agony to remove my sexual ‘temptations.’ Now, sex has become a truly holy thing for me. I value it as a wonderful, bonding experience. And I have not fear of it anymore. I honor the power it has to bring people close together and I guard the trust it brings with it with great determination. I know how valuable it is and how much the violation of sexual trust can bring to a partner.

In other words, I follow the spirit of physical health and healthy, spiritual sexuality more than I ever had in my life. And I can’t go to the temple because of it. Sure, I could choose to not drink any coffee or alcohol at all. I could choose to be celibate until we are officially married, so I can go to the temple and answer the covenant questions honestly. But I just can’t bring myself to follow a rule just to jump through hoops. I miss the temple deeply. Some of my most powerful spiritual experiences have been there. I know God would speak to me there, just as he does in other places. But I cannot abandon certain aspects of the beautiful relationship I have with my fiancé to go there. To sacrifice that part in the name of going there would be disingenuous to me.

I think I am ranting now. It is obvious that I feel strongly about this, but I have seen too much pain in my own life and in the life of my clients because of strict rules that miss the mark. It is sad to me how little so many LDS people know about a truly erotic, passionate, holy sex life…the kind where sex and God and your partner are intertwined.

I love my life more than I ever have. But there are wounds and I miss the temple. I don’t even know if the ordinances are literal or not, but I miss it. I don’t see how I can answer TR questions without feeling like I am blatantly lying. I feel like I follow the law of chastity, because I honor my sexual commitment to my fiancé with complete fidelity. That is the spirit of the law to me. But the church, including the temple, is very specific about what chastity means. I don’t feel like I can ‘stretch it’ on this one. Even though I feel at peace about it with God.

Thanks for letting me get some feelings out. I hope I didn’t sound to much like I was on a soap box.

Thalmar, thank you. I cannot explain much on a public form but the teachings are so ingrained that even though I discount them because they are unhealthy, the basic feelings of shame automatically appear despite my current beliefs over a decade later. I’ve met quite a few others in my interaction with a few psychologist that I knew I wasn’t alone anymore(it wasn’t just me). I few up with the 6 month interviews where the M word was directly asked and shamed as the sin next to murder. Then given the miracle of forgiveness and was told if I ever stopped reading for even a day the sin would return.

Now being married didn’t change the shame feelings as I had hoped. I worry about my own future child’s future with unhealthy teachings. Anyways thank you saying what I know many can’t or are afraid to say.

[Anonymous]

Keepswimmin,

I understand what you are saying about the keeping of certain tenets of the church and forgetting the others…I call this ‘ dotting the I s and crossing the T s’ because they do all the scripture study family study FHE WOW tithe sabbath keeping and have not charity. They judge and condemn often for things outwith the control of the victims themselves.

My own ward was no exception and I began to give then a name too ‘ the all is well in Zion Brigade’…however all was very definitely not well in zion.

[Author]

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