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I feel like stumbling upon this site has been the biggest miracle and I’m so grateful for the support I’ve received–directly and indirectly! Since I’m new and just starting out in my faith transition, nobody but my husband knows about my doubts and inactivity. I know eventually people are going to find out and it gives me a lot of anxiety. All of my close friends and most of my family are very active in the church. My brother will be getting married soon and I don’t know how to break it to my family that I won’t be in the temple. They view me as someone with a very strong testimony and someone very strong in the church. I do have a strong testimony about MANY aspects of the gospel, especially the core doctrine, but I’m unsure how I feel about a lot of other things. My testimony was very “childlike” before, where I just believed everything and didn’t question. Now that I’m getting older (I’m only 24) I’m maturing which means questioning and figuring things out for myself.
How did you guys who are very unorthodox break the news to believing friends and family? I’m such a people pleaser and I’m really worried about upsetting my family, especially my parents. I still consider myself a Mormon and I attend sacrament meeting every week that I can. I believe in temple covenants, baptism, the prophet, priesthood, etc. However, I do a lot of things that most mormons would consider “bad” (we don’t pay our tithing, occasionally don’t wear our garments–especially on hot days, watch rated R movies, don’t attend all of our church meetings, don’t hold callings, support same-sex marriage, question doctrine, shop on Sundays, etc.) I don’t feel like any of these things take away from my relationship with Heavenly Father or my standing with Him, but I know my family would be VERY upset if they knew any of this.
Is it easier to just be upfront and honest and lay it all out there or is it better to be vague and let them know this is a very personal and private matter, but I am not temple worthy? I just don’t want to hurt anyone or have anyone be worried about me.
ConfusedMolly wrote:I still consider myself a Mormon and I attend sacrament meeting every week that I can. I believe in temple covenants, baptism, the prophet, priesthood, etc. However, I do a lot of things that most mormons would consider “bad” (we don’t pay our tithing, occasionally don’t wear our garments–especially on hot days, watch rated R movies, don’t attend all of our church meetings, don’t hold callings, support same-sex marriage, question doctrine, shop on Sundays, etc.)
I think you just described a lot of Mormons.
ConfusedMolly wrote:How did you guys who are very unorthodox break the news to believing friends and family?
I only volunteer information about my faith transition with people that really matter in my life, aka DW. I’d also volunteer info with people that I know can handle it. Everyone else that wants to talk about my faith transition will have to ask me… and so far no one has asked. I don’t have many outward signs though.
ConfusedMolly wrote:I know eventually people are going to find out and it gives me a lot of anxiety.
The advice I see on this site is to take things slow. It will take people time to find out, time that you will be using to gain experience and confidence in your new faith.
ConfusedMolly wrote:I don’t feel like any of these things take away from my relationship with Heavenly Father or my standing with Him
IMO that’s the only thing that really matters. People might try to convince you otherwise but you can draw strength and comfort from this belief.
Hey ConfusedMolly, I’m not sure why you need to tell them anything.
ConfusedMolly wrote:I still consider myself a Mormon and I attend sacrament meeting every week that I can. I believe in temple covenants, baptism, the prophet, priesthood, etc. However, I do a lot of things that most mormons would consider “bad” (we don’t pay our tithing, occasionally don’t wear our garments–especially on hot days, watch rated R movies, don’t attend all of our church meetings, don’t hold callings, support same-sex marriage, question doctrine, shop on Sundays, etc.) I don’t feel like any of these things take away from my relationship with Heavenly Father or my standing with Him, but I know my family would be VERY upset if they knew any of this.
From what you said here, the only TR question you would probably have an issue with is tithing. Even though I have a pretty liberal view of what constitutes tithing, I would not be able to pay anything and be able to answer yes. Perhaps you and DH might want to do some soul searching on that question and see if you can get to a place where you can answer yes. Good threads in the forum on that one.
You believe in more than I do, but I still feel i can answer in the affirmative to all the TR questions. I had a friend joking around with me about something silly yesterday at church (he is more Orthodox but a good guy). I joked back and at the end said “and you know what, it’s actually none of your business.” We both laughed and called it a day.
Part of the transition process is coming to the recognition that your journey is yours. There are things my wife and I will do around family that match their more Orthodox views, but that is the price of maintaining positive relationships, and a price we happily pay (although we don’t live close to any family, so not a toll we have to pay often. Not sure what your situation is.)
You will have to decide what is best, but to quote the academy award winning movie The Waterboy, “What mamma don’t know won’t hurt her.”
🙂 -SBRed
I’ve told my wife, my family, and my in-laws that I don’t believe half of the church positions or doctrines. Perhaps because I usually said it flippantly that nobody believes me. Ultimately it doesn’t matter much what they think. I just ran out of time to comment at length, but I do want to welcome you. ConfusedMolly wrote:Is it easier to just be upfront and honest and lay it all out there or is it better to be vague and let them know this is a very personal and private matter, but I am not temple worthy? I just don’t want to hurt anyone or have anyone be worried about me.
Only my nuclear family and less active MIL are members, so for me being vague has worked. Like many things, it really depends on the individuals you’re dealing with – you might be more forthright and open with your close sibling but less so with a cousin you only see once a year. Judgmentalism, or lack thereof, might be the biggest influence on how you choose to deal – most stress related to this issue seems to be a result of how the other person reacts.
Hitting people with things they can’t understand or handle is not a good approach. When that happens, people instinctively put up defenses to keep from getting hurt more. There is no easy answer, but I try ALWAYS to err on the side of charity and to do no harm that is avoidable.
Confused – Do you want to attend this wedding? I ask that because it sounds as if you assume you are not worthy to attend the temple because of your doubts and questions, which makes sense, however the 2 events – your faith transition and attending a family sealing don’t have to be entangled. I believe that many people with doubts continue to carry a temple recommend, and still attend the temple even in their conflicted state. There are multiple reasons to attend the temple, sometimes we attend because we believe, sometimes we attend because we like the idea of the temple (even though we may not be sure it is what it claims to be), we may attend because our calling in the church requires it – I have had that in the past, we also may attend to support our family (whether that is spouse, parents, children, etc.) There are also plenty of people who attend the temple to be seen attending the temple. The question then goes back to – if this marriage was happening anywhere else, would you want to attend and view it. That is all you will be doing. You and your family will be circling a couple in a small room, a ceremony will be performed, people will hug and cry – then go outside and take pictures. Where you are orthodoxically will not be discussed. In that room you can be the only one who knows (and God himself if you choose) and it doesn’t matter. You are there for the wedding the couple or your parents – whomever. Your attendance and happy undivided support of them is all that is required.
On the worthiness issue – that is up to you. I know Bishops who watch R rated movies, drink caffeinated drinks and such. I have known people who have temple recommends who I find to be emotionally and mentally abusive to people. I could list other human failings and people still have recommends. I know people in faith crisis who continue to keep recommends for many varied and authentic reasons. I am not asking or inviting you to cheat, I am asking you to consider what it is that you consider which makes you unworthy. Whether you get a recommend or not, the understanding is important. The answer will help you in other areas. Personal truth is vital.
Last of all – Even if you decide not to attend the service – I would advise against making this joyful day for someone else – your day for coming out of the spiritual closet. Suddenly deciding now to Break the News to your family will upstage and upend someone else’s day – that’s not cool. If you really feel strongly about not attending the service choose the kindest way to show love to the Bride and Groom. What is the least awkward, up staging, least dramatic way you can side step the matter. After the event – then you can share your new road.
If you do attend or find you want to get a recommend and attend – keep your focus on the day – the Bride and Groom, their hopefully dreams. Give your transition a rest. There are plenty of days for angst later.
mom3 wrote:Confused – Do you want to attend this wedding? I ask that because it sounds as if you assume you are not worthy to attend the temple because of your doubts and questions, which makes sense, however the 2 events – your faith transition and attending a family sealing don’t have to be entangled. I believe that many people with doubts continue to carry a temple recommend, and still attend the temple even in their conflicted state.
There are multiple reasons to attend the temple, sometimes we attend because we believe, sometimes we attend because we like the idea of the temple (even though we may not be sure it is what it claims to be), we may attend because our calling in the church requires it – I have had that in the past, we also may attend to support our family (whether that is spouse, parents, children, etc.) There are also plenty of people who attend the temple to be seen attending the temple. The question then goes back to – if this marriage was happening anywhere else, would you want to attend and view it. That is all you will be doing. You and your family will be circling a couple in a small room, a ceremony will be performed, people will hug and cry – then go outside and take pictures. Where you are orthodoxically will not be discussed. In that room you can be the only one who knows (and God himself if you choose) and it doesn’t matter. You are there for the wedding the couple or your parents – whomever. Your attendance and happy undivided support of them is all that is required.
On the worthiness issue – that is up to you. I know Bishops who watch R rated movies, drink caffeinated drinks and such. I have known people who have temple recommends who I find to be emotionally and mentally abusive to people. I could list other human failings and people still have recommends. I know people in faith crisis who continue to keep recommends for many varied and authentic reasons. I am not asking or inviting you to cheat, I am asking you to consider what it is that you consider which makes you unworthy. Whether you get a recommend or not, the understanding is important. The answer will help you in other areas. Personal truth is vital.
Last of all – Even if you decide not to attend the service – I would advise against making this joyful day for someone else – your day for coming out of the spiritual closet. Suddenly deciding now to Break the News to your family will upstage and upend someone else’s day – that’s not cool. If you really feel strongly about not attending the service choose the kindest way to show love to the Bride and Groom. What is the least awkward, up staging, least dramatic way you can side step the matter. After the event – then you can share your new road.
If you do attend or find you want to get a recommend and attend – keep your focus on the day – the Bride and Groom, their hopefully dreams. Give your transition a rest. There are plenty of days for angst later.
Excellent post, Mom3
:thumbup: I would also agree with above posts that based on your description, Confused Molly, the only thing that would prevent holding a recommend would be the tithing thing. Do you have a current TR (you don’t have to actually answer that here. None of our business)? If so, do YOU consider yourself worthy to go to the temple? Mom3 is right, you won’t be participating in ordinances. The day is a wedding. It’s about the couple. That said, if you don’t feel comfortable going, make that as low key as possible and deal with the big issues later.
BTW, I work in the temple and I believe the ordinances are 100% symbolic and figurative, and I have problems with their origins, ie – based on Masons and made up from there. That is what actually precipitated my original FC almost 20 years ago. That doesn’t mean that I don’t think parts of it are cool. And I go because I like to help people be happy. I also like how peaceful it is there. I DO however feel worthy to hold a TR.
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