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I had a lengthy and good discussion with Dad on some of the doubts and issues I have been facing concerning the church. Dad was very supportive. He said I was normal, I wasn’t weird, and that going through this would make me more mature. He said that time often gives new perspectives on things in life, especially religious things. Nuance and meaning is added to how we might have previously viewed things. I’m so glad I have such a kind, wise, understanding father who didn’t just throw me under the bus. He said he wants me to continue calling him and emailing him about things I’m worried about. I then went to my wife and just started letting go all of the emotion I had kept inside – the fear of loss of my entire world, the loneliness, the agony and ache I have felt over my need to connect with a God if he’s even there, the frustration. I let it all out. I don’t remember the last time I sobbed so uncontrollably. It was cathartic and draining at the same time. Afterwards, my wife expressed the most sincere offer of love and compassion she has yet offered. It really was a transcendent, spiritual bonding – a really pivotal moment for the both of us. Tonight I am choosing to hope. Deep down, I feel there really is something greater, more beautiful, more profound, more GOOD about this life. I don’t think I could ever imagine there not being, even if all the other details seem such a mess at times. I have studied a little about atonement theories, and I have been a little baffled about the need for atonement, or why another being would need to suffer so horribly in order for us to be forgiven. I have been intrigued by Blake Ostler’s compassion theory though. I felt as if I gained a bit of divine insight tonight on how something like that might work, as my wife and I truly suffered together and in the process were bonded in such a loving deep way. Even though she does not fully understand intellectually what I am going through, her emotion and heart were present with mine. My issues and ambiguity still remain, but after tonight I feel like I’ve crossed a barrier. I can do this. I can stay. It will be hard, but I will hope that time will grant new perspectives. Lots of thoughts right now. But I wanted to get some of them down before I lost them. Moments like this are precious. I am SO happy you had this experience – and it points to how different things are when someone has loving, supportive people in life. Being able to be open about our struggles is a blessing – one I hope becomes more accessible to more members as time goes on and the message is heard more often and the need recognized more broadly.
It sound like you have had a wonderful day and I am so happy for you. Both your Dad and your wife sound like amazing people. I think at times we really get a peek of the eternities and that is was give us hope to move forward. This is great. I am glad this happened. Sort of like the liberation I started feeling when I realized I wasn’t necessarily bound by all the norms and cultural values we hold in our church. I’m glad you have supportive people around you who will let you work through your concerns without condemning you. Thanks for sharing JL.I’m glad you have supportive people in your life, I’m sure it makes all of this much easier. I have my doubts about the need for an atonement also, since I have a somewhat deist view of God. I have come to my own conclusion about where and how the atonement fits and I hope you can come to your own understanding as well.
I think it’s important to point out that we hear about people who don’t have this type of support – but there are many members about whom we don’t hear because they DO have this type of support. I know quite a few people (really, a significantly large number) who are fairly similar to us except for that key difference: They get the “help” they need within their own spheres, so they never end up in a forum like this or considering leaving the Church. John, That is so awesome that you and your wife are growing
together. You have turned a potentially life-crushing obstacle, into a stepping stone to better things.
One thing I try to remember is that I love people.
Sometimes they say or do things that bug me (and visa versa) – but overall, it is worth it to have community support that the church helps fascilitate.
Having your wife by your side, and you by hers, will help you to feel less alone, as you sift through cognitive distortions, to find “pearls of wisdom.”
Yes, it’s made me realize even more how vital it is to have someone, anyone that you can trust in and rely on during this journey. Connections between people transcend all beliefs and creeds. Human interaction and love must be the basis. My heart goes out to those who don’t have that person they can count on to make that connection of love with. I’ll keep you in my prayers. JohnLocke wrote:Yes, it’s made me realize even more how vital it is to have someone, anyone that you can trust in and rely on during this journey. Connections between people transcend all beliefs and creeds. Human interaction and love must be the basis. My heart goes out to those who don’t have that person they can count on to make that connection of love with. I’ll keep you in my prayers.
Thank you and what you wrote above is so very true.I will try to keep that in my mind and heart.
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