Burnt Out and how we handle the Church

[Anonymous]

I joined the church at age 17. From my baptism I have served in the following callings consecutively without any break in bewtween

Assistant WML, 2nd C in EQ, 1st C In EQ, 1st C in EQ, 1st C EQ, 2nd C in Young Mens, EQ President, 2nd C in Bishopric, Bishop, WML, and now 2nd C in Sunday School. I am 36 years old and have never been without a calling in a presidency or WML since my first calling.

I had my faith crisis while serving as a Bishop. At the Almost 5 year point, I asked my SP to release me…. Trying to lead with Faith and carry the weight of the Ward was overwhelming…. I was burnt out. A week after my release my Bishop called me as WML and after a year as WML I again asked to be released as I was burnt out….. I mean picking myself off the floor and wanting to cry burn out…. I was immediately called as 2nd C in the Sunday School Presidency (which because of our ward dymanics will be an easy calling) and I love the SS President (he was one of my councelors when I was Bishop and he is complicated and nuanced in some ways and so the pressure would/will be miniscule.

My Bishopric approached me again this Sunday (Only been called to the SS for about 1 month) and wanted to extend to me a 2nd calling as Primary Activity Leader.

I had already explained that I am open to other callings but that 1.) I would be selective and 2.) should not involve primary or younger youth as I am not a patient teacher of young ones.

I asked for 24 hours to ponder and respond. I considered the calling and while I am not a fan of turning callings down, I am simply in a place where I am taking more control of what capacities I am used in and sent this as my reply.

Quote:

Dear Bishopric,

In my first 16 years in the Church I would of said yes in a heartbeat. I would have had fun and enjoyed such a calling. I am just not in that place right now. As I have said, I need to be very selective about callings in the near future. I have been burnt out for some time and need to be selective in how I am involved for a while. know that I love and appreciate each of you. I am complicated right now and apologize for that.

To give you a feel of what I am dealing with, if interested you can read this beginning on page 5 or 6 where it says

Beyond Stage Three: The Dark Night of the Soul

http://www.thebattleofarmageddon.com/stages_of_faith.pdf

It describes my roller coaster pretty well

Thank you for your understanding. Again it is not that I would say no to every calling. I said yes quickly to serving with Bro. So&so. I also would likely say yes to others as well but I will for the near future be selective on how I commit myself.

I share this so that each of you know that I too am a Middle Way Mormon and while I am striving to “lead with faith” I run into the same issues many of you do. I think about, struggle, and get frustrated with the same things. While I come down ultimately in a different place than many of you I also hope you know that this is hard for me too.

your friend

Bill Reel

[Anonymous]

Thanks for sharing, Bill. I have actually always seen you as one of us, part of our exclusive club. I realize that sometimes we have to put on facades, I do it too, and I recognize that you are more visible online than I am. People at church, other than knowing I was less active and have had questions/uncertainties, don’t see me as anything other than an active member and believer – and I prefer it that way. It is hard, but I think it’s the best way to make a go of it.

Burnout is real, and I think it sometimes leads people down the path we have trodden.

[Anonymous]

Hi Bill,

I have thought of you as a kindred spirit and am truly amazed at all you do. I’m glad to hear that you are able to take control and tell people you need to limit your involvement for now. Like DJ said, burnout is real – you do need to take care of yourself and be there for your family.

Too often in the church we burden people down with callings and then pile on guilt when they don’t magnify them the way we think they should. It’s wrong to do, but unfortunately part of the LDS culture.

Hang in there and know we are behind you.

[Anonymous]

bill – I can barely type through my medication haze, but I want you to know I offered a prayer for you. I lean on your work so much. Thank you for reminding me that you are walking the same road we are. Please take a break from what ever you need to.

[Anonymous]

mom3 wrote:

bill – I can barely type through my medication haze, but I want you to know I offered a prayer for you. I lean on your work so much. Thank you for reminding me that you are walking the same road we are. Please take a break from what ever you need to.

All of you…. thank you each for your kind words. This last response struck me. Thank you for your prayers. I am pulled a lot of directions. I felt your prayers as I read this. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!

[Anonymous]

My philosophy is that I will do what I can do without hurting myself or my family. If the family really is the fundamental unit in the Church, as we say it is, I figure that approach is the most consistent with that belief.

God bless you.

[Anonymous]

Bill, I’m curious. With all of your leadership experience in the Church, do you notice a correlation in inactivity with the increase

in the hours required by members serving within the church? I hope this question is clear.

So much is required as you serve. When you do a decent job & you’re willing to serve, more is expected & you move through the various organizations & calls. It sounds like a vicious circle.

[Anonymous]

I am the Grand Sheba of Burnout in the church. Welcome to my shrine!

I read over the Dark Night of My Soul — I found the stages you presented helpful. Which stage are you in? I related particularly to this stage:

Quote:

The fifth stage I call the journey outward. At this stage, we go back into the world and do the

kinds of things we did in the success stage, but with different, more selfless motives. People will

often change ministries at this stage and become willing to go smaller, humbler, and riskier.

They are now living God’s purpose rather than that of an institution or others.

As I said to you in a private message, I think this phase can take you outside of religion, into service that not only allows you to live God’s purpose, but that also allows you to pursue your own character development. That’s where I am right now. I don’t consider it selfish — perhaps a blend of Maslow and one of the other theories where service to mankind is not only service for its own sake, it’s a green house of self-actualization.

I would like to add, that this refocusing of efforts into new arenas can be very refreshing and spawn spiritual renewal. I find I am working every bit as hard as I did as a Bishopric member, Stake Executive Secretary or High Priest Group leader. So, it wasn’t necessarily the hard work that threw me into burnout when I held those callings — it was the monotony, the sameness, the constant trying to change other people — that many of those callings demanded of me.

I like how you asserted yourself to the Bishop, in a kind way. I have been doing the same thing. I did so with a primary pianist calling and I believe it was absolutely the right thing to say “no”.

[Anonymous]

Mike wrote:

Bill, I’m curious. With all of your leadership experience in the Church, do you notice a correlation in inactivity with the increase

in the hours required by members serving within the church? I hope this question is clear.

So much is required as you serve. When you do a decent job & you’re willing to serve, more is expected & you move through the various organizations & calls. It sounds like a vicious circle.

Yes the better mormon you are, the more work and responsibility you will be given. I do not though, see a coorelation between inactivity and workload. I do though see a correlation between faith crisis and drawing lines in the sand in regards to over sacrificing yourself to the Church

[Anonymous]

SilentDawning wrote:

I am the Grand Sheba of Burnout in the church. Welcome to my shrine!

I read over the Dark Night of My Soul — I found the stages you presented helpful. Which stage are you in? I related particularly to this stage:

Quote:

The fifth stage I call the journey outward. At this stage, we go back into the world and do the

kinds of things we did in the success stage, but with different, more selfless motives. People will

often change ministries at this stage and become willing to go smaller, humbler, and riskier.

They are now living God’s purpose rather than that of an institution or others.

As I said to you in a private message, I think this phase can take you outside of religion, into service that not only allows you to live God’s purpose, but that also allows you to pursue your own character development. That’s where I am right now. I don’t consider it selfish — perhaps a blend of Maslow and one of the other theories where service to mankind is not only service for its own sake, it’s a green house of self-actualization.

I would like to add, that this refocusing of efforts into new arenas can be very refreshing and spawn spiritual renewal. I find I am working every bit as hard as I did as a Bishopric member, Stake Executive Secretary or High Priest Group leader. So, it wasn’t necessarily the hard work that threw me into burnout when I held those callings — it was the monotony, the sameness, the constant trying to change other people — that many of those callings demanded of me.

I like how you asserted yourself to the Bishop, in a kind way. I have been doing the same thing. I did so with a primary pianist calling and I believe it was absolutely the right thing to say “no”.

I find many traits of 4 and 5 to be relative to my position. Some of 4 is behind me and some of 5 sounds foreign to me still and I grasp intellectually what I need to get to, I don’t emotionally grasp how to get there

[Anonymous]

Bill,

I feel for ya man, but you are doing the right thing. If you honestly feel even after praying that taking the calling is going to lead to more burnout, you do owe it not to your Family only, but to YOURSELF. There is a difference between losing yourself in service (you feel GREAT and want to do more) and being stretched too thin (you just feel like you want it to all end).

We should all be working to become like Christ, which includes serving for sure (in many ways, not just in church). But we can’t be perfect in that in a matter of one moral lifetime.

[Anonymous]

DBMormon wrote:

SilentDawning wrote:

I find many traits of 4 and 5 to be relative to my position. Some of 4 is behind me and some of 5 sounds foreign to me still and I grasp intellectually what I need to get to, I don’t emotionally grasp how to get there

For stage 5, I can share how I see it. When church service became a grind, and I started feeling like an unpaid employee, I went through my own commitment crisis. After I withdrew from intensely active church life, I found a hole in my life. I was so used to doing service that I felt like I had too much time on my hands, and that I was missing something. Part of me felt guilty I wasn’t serving in the church, and part of me just wanted to serve others with my talents — but in a way that was meaningful for me, and helped me grow in ability and character.

So, I went to the community and here, took some much bigger risks. No longer did I have the safety of the CHI (which I abhorred anyway after a while) and knowledge of the culture in the church, which is pretty well reinforced and obvious. Further, I was now contending with people who had a wide variety of value systems, and there were also power relationships involved in local government that I had never experienced. The whole thing was new and therefore, risky. I was also talking to audiences about things that were new to me. Risky….I made a ton of mistakes (like firing the aide of a local government official from a volunteer committee after she displayed repeated unacceptable behavior) as well as faux pas regarding interactions with elected officials that got me “slapped”.

I now see my service as independent of any institution. Its for mankind, in whatever context where the needs of the world and my own talents and passions overlap. I don’t care about position any longer either. Being president of something or even on a board of directors hasn’t mattered much lately — what matters is getting the results for the stakeholder group I’m serving.

Not sure if that explains it, but in a nutshell, I feel this sense that my talents are for the world and not for the church only. That my service is a kind of mission that serves others, while also developing my character at the same time. And its independent of position and power relationships.

[Anonymous]

Bill…I respect you as I’ve listened to your thoughts over the years. Glad you take time to share what you do.

I do think church can be a different experience in different areas. If you lived in Arizona, California, Colorado or Idaho or any area that has multiple large wards in a small geographic area…you could probably more easily take a break and there are other resources the leadership can look at for stepping up, next saint in line kinda thing.

When I lived back east…they were always needing help, and looking for people who could fill one or two callings…because they didn’t know what else to do.

I think you’re pretty good to learn to hold your ground and do what is best for you and your family.

Whether they understand the Dark Night of the Soul or not…they just have to respect a father’s wishes to help keep family first, not sacrifice all for the church.

[Anonymous]

Peace friend.

If you still want to do a podcast, I’m probably at the state to do so.

I have no fame like mamy of your latest guests, nor am i a “stayLDS” champion, so it may not work for your pod and I’ll understand.

[Anonymous]

Bill, I’m grateful for all the things you are doing for others that have faith crises.

[Author]

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