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After being out on my mission for 3 months, I have decided to call it quits and return home. I will be speaking with my Mission President later today, hopefully. I’ve thought about this decision long and hard and have decided that logically there’s not enough reason for me to stay out here anymore teaching a message that I myself do not fully embrace or accept anymore. Admittedly, I’m nervous and don’t know what will happen from here but I have to push forward with faith. I realize that this will perhaps, have a larger impact on my family than it will ultimately will have on me. I find myself stuck between a rock and a hard place with no easy way out. People will be disappointed, but I guess I just need to accept that as I make the transition into this new chapter in my life. I just wanted to update all of you on my journey and welcome any comments below. Thank you!
CandleLight25 wrote:After being out on my mission for 3 months, I have decided to call it quits and return home. I will be speaking with my Mission President later today, hopefully. I’ve thought about this decision long and hard and have decided that
logically there’s not enough reason for me to stayout here anymore teaching a message that I myself do not fully embrace or accept anymore. Admittedly, I’m nervous and don’t know what will happen from here but I have to push forward with faith. I realize that this will perhaps, have a larger impact on my family than it will ultimately will have on me. I find myself stuck between a rock and a hard place with no easy way out. People will be disappointed, but I guess I just need to accept that as I make the transition into this new chapter in my life. I just wanted to update all of you on my journey and welcome any comments below. Thank you!
There is one reason to stay, and that simply is you are there. I understand your dilemma and I have thought of my own mission and how I would have reacted if I knew what I know now. I may have come home but the anguish of that would have been greater I think than just sticking it out like I did. Mind you I never wanted to stay on my mission and it was very hard at times but I am still glad I finished even if it was just to be able to say I did.
Its a long shot but maybe if you told your president how you feel you could do some kind of service thing for the remainder.
Cadence has a good response. That is something to seriously consider. Whatever you choose, Candle, I hope you find what is best for you in the long run. Keep us posted.
It’s a brave thing to leave (and equally brave to stay). My own missionary experience is not one I wish to repeat and there was much that was negative (though I have good memories, too). I’m afraid that I don’t know much about you or the area where you’re working and so hopefully you’ll take what I say with a grain of salt (and discard anything that’s irrelevant). I hope you are making your decisions with your eyes wide open. I hope this isn’t a reaction to one bad experience or one bad companion (I had a few of those on my mission). Coming home early (under any circumstances) WILL have social and psychological ramifications for you and your family. They aren’t insurmountable and they won’t ruin your life but there will be consequences. Even if you question the doctrine you are preaching, remember that the gospel doesn’t have to be about believing in Joseph Smith or the Book of Mormon but about changing your life for the better (e.g. stop smoking, be kind to family and neighbors, provide service to others). You have the opportunity as a missionary to be an agent for that change and there will be people you’ll interact with who will remember you for the rest of their lives.
Whatever your final decision is, I hope you will strive to make it work for you. Best of luck!
Before you make a decision you can’t change (to leave or to stay), please ask yourself the following questions – and don’t do anything until you’ve written down your answers and thought about them long and hard: 1)
Have I been on my mission long enough to know I can’t stay?(You entered the MTC on November 9th – 2.5 months ago. You’re serving in a foreign speaking mission; that means
you’ve been in the mission field for a couple of weeks. I’ve served a mission; there’s a LOT you haven’t experienced yet, I’m sure. Frankly, as bluntly as I can say this, I don’t think that’s long enough to make the decision to leave – even if you’re struggling mightily with the language. This feels WAY too rushed to me.) 2)
How thoroughly have I studied “Preach My Gospel”? Can I articulate exactly which lessons or parts of the lessons I’m uncomfortable teaching – and exactly why?(This is critical to any decision, imo – since it directly impacts #4 below.)
3)
How much of my decision is related directly to my Mission President – or to my companions – or to Ward Mission Leaders – or to other people?(If it primarily is due to others, reconsider. You need to start early in life making pro-active decisions based on how you feel, not based on the expectations of others or the difficulties of inter-personal relationships. More in #6 below.)
4)
What, exactly, caused my change of mind?(You went into this knowing you saw things differently than most other people. You went into this knowing it wouldn’t be easy to be yourself. What, exactly, is different now?)
5)
Can I teach the Gospel and the Restoration in a way that is consistent with “Preach My Gospel” AND my own conscience?(I’ve read “Preach My Gospel”. The teaching approach now is to teach the principles in each lesson in your own words. Are you feeling like you have to give a memorized script? If so, why? Is that what’s being taught in your mission? If so, it’s not in harmony with the Church’s model. If that’s your central issue, can you ignore it and teach in your own words about the principles? Your own answer will be your own answer, but I know my son was able to remain true to himself and still teach what is in “Preach My Gospel”. Exactly what is it that you can’t teach?)
6)
Am I considering leaving primarily because it’s just too hard?(Be very careful if that is the case. “Running away from difficulty” at this point in your life can set a terrible precedent for your future.)
7)
Does this boil down to not being willing to “lose myself”? Am I making this “all about me”? Do I believe I can’t help others in some way if I stay?(This might be the hardest question, but it’s an important one, imo.)
I’m NOT saying you need to stay.Not at all. I’m saying you are young; you are in a new situation that is different than anything you’ve ever done previously; don’t make a decision that is rushed or pressured or a case of “being acted upon”; make sure if you leave that you are willing to accept the consequences of that decision and not “blame” ANYONE for that choice. Let me repeat that:
If you leave, it won’t be anyone else’s fault. It will be a decision YOU make.Whatever decision you make, own it – fully.
Fwiw, I think there is a lot of good you can do on a mission, IF you can teach on your own terms, in your own words, and “lose yourself” in the process. If not, you might need to leave – but that’s not our decision; it’s yours.
Good advice Ray. Ultimately, being a missionary is a volunteer work. I know in our culture it has turned into a near saving ordinance for young men (and the de facto official “passage to manhood” rite), but it really isn’t. Your life will continue just fine either way.
There really is something to be said though for being dropped into a difficult situation and learning how to deal with it in the most productive way — not perfect way, just productive (there’s a big difference). It depends on all the variable Ray listed above.
Hi CandleLight, I hope you have a chance to read these responses before talking with your mission pres. We can only tell you our opinions, what we might do. I would be careful to not put my words in absolute terms when talking with the MP. I think it is important to discuss the elements of your mission that you are presently uncomfortable with, in my opinion it would be more helpful to discuss them in an open ended manner than a closed and decided way.
I can imagine discussions (if it were me) around exclusive authority for example, I could ask my MP for his advice on my ability to do the work when I’m trying to
understand(the choice of words here can be critical) how the often promoted literal and exclusive element of LDS priesthood actually applies to (unknowable) eternal realities. In having such a discussion productively it is important to understand what your individual views and understandings actually are, and how open to learning new things you can really be.
The gospel IS truth (in my book anyway, that is what Joseph Smith said – even if misunderstanding are taught in SS) and BY (or at least Henry Eyring Sr.) said we only need to believe the parts that are actually true — not that we will fully understand those things in detail in this life.
Best wishes!
:thumbup: CandleLight25 wrote:After being out on my mission for 3 months, I have decided to call it quits and return home. I will be speaking with my Mission President later today, hopefully. I’ve thought about this decision long and hard and have decided that logically
there’s not enough reason for me to stay out here anymore teaching a message that I myself do not fully embrace or accept anymore.Admittedly, I’m nervous and don’t know what will happen from here but I have to push forward with faith. I realize that this will perhaps, have a larger impact on my family than it will ultimately will have on me. I find myself stuck between a rock and a hard place with no easy way out. People will be disappointed, but I guess I just need to accept thatas I make the transition into this new chapter in my life. I just wanted to update all of you on my journey and welcome any comments below…Thank you! Personally I wouldn’t blame you if you end up coming home early. Missions are already hard enough for many TBMs so I can’t imagine doing this while being fully aware of some of the problems with the Church’s story because you are basically expected to spend most of your time focused primarily on what the Church teaches, selling it, and frequently bearing your testimony about how true it all is.
I’m truly sorry to hear that. Not because I think you would be doing anything bad by leaving, that you would be broken, or that your future would be forever tarnished — I don’t believe any of those things, and I hope you don’t either — but because I admired your innocent enthusiasm and I think the idea of a missionary who is conscious of the issues is a cool one. I would encourage you to think carefully about whatever you decide, and then move forward with confidence. I tend to agree that unless there are some real serious issues you haven’t told us about, that you might want to give it a little more time.
Old-Timer wrote:Let me repeat that:
If you leave, it won’t be anyone else’s fault. It will be a decision YOU make.Whatever decision you make, own it – fully.
Fwiw, I think there is a lot of good you can do on a mission, IF you can teach on your own terms, in your own words, and “lose yourself” in the process. If not, you might need to leave – but that’s not our decision; it’s yours.
i am completely with Ray on this. (which is rare
As another return missionary, I also fully agree with Ray’s advice. Honestly, his list of questions is a good one to keep tacked up in every mission apartment all the time. There isn’t a missionary out there who doesn’t feel it’s hard to go on at some point. But you do need to own your choice, whatever it is, and be sure you are not setting a precedent for the future that isn’t going to take you in the direction you want to go in life. Either way you decide is your choice. I don’t think we know enough about what your situation is or your obstacles are to help ascertain that. The foreign language thing is very difficult. I was in the field 2 full months before I really understood 80+% of what people were saying. People spoke in dialects or had missing teeth or didn’t enunciate clearly. It takes time to know what is even going on, and in the meantime you are very reliant on a senior companion to be your interpreter, and that person may be irritating as all get out (mine was pretty good, but not everyone is lucky). I was very frustrated until the language started to work for me, and then I had a companion who told me to my face that she had never liked me and was praying every day for a transfer and who turned me in to the MP for something I didn’t do and spread slander about me all over the mission. But it did make me a better person for learning to deal with a variety of people, and knowing the language has enriched my life and career.
My experience, the companion I was serving with made all the difference. Good companions – good mission and a good time. Crappy companions – bad experience and a bad time. And, all missionaries get “the opportunity” to serve with many good and bad companions. It’s just part of the process. Thanks for all the comments and advice everyone. I meet with my Mission president a few days ago and have decided that I need to go home. A big factor in all of this is something that I have kept a tight lid on, but will now talk about openly with all of you. For most of my life I have struggled with same gender attraction that has caused me some serious grief. Back when I was still seeing The Church as most other members, I believed that I was damned and condemned to hell. Especially after an encounter with another LDS boy during high school. I won’t share all the details but it led me to finally explaining everything to my parents which led me to countless meetings with the Stake President. I conformed and slowly pushed everything under the rug again and decided not to discuss the war inside of me. I witnessed first hand the damage it caused my parents when I did. So I went away to college not sure if I would be serving a mission or not. While I was away I decided that I would exercise my faith and make the attempt. For these two reasons: One, because it would restore some of the pride my parents had for me, and two because i honestly believed that although this religion may be flawed, it could really help some who needed direction in their lives. however, I had stopped believing it was all “true” or that my tendencies were a sin. These were the pretenses. I received my call and was excited to go to a new and different land. Soon after arriving I realized that things were very different here. Including how the culture embraced people with tendencies like mine. We have these children we teach. Some of them are members who are gay. And everyone is alright with that here. It surprised me. Anyway, I lost my desire to be here teaching them things I couldn’t support. On the top of the list was the stance on gay lifestyles. I have many friends who live this way and I think they are some of the best people I know. I couldn’t live with myself if I were to become the factor that made these little kids hate themselves and think that they could never be happy the way that they were. I don’t know if I’m making sense to most of you now. But as my desire faded i wanted out. I tried my best but they wouldn’t let me go. I respect them for that. Then I threw down all my cards and explained of another more recent run in I’d had with another guy before my mission. I don’t feel like what i did was wrong nor a sin. But because of this, of course I am going home now. I will likely be facing Excommunication now. And while I would prefer to stay, I don’t know if I have much choice now. Things are about to get really rough for me, and even more so for my stalwart family. I worry most for them. Tomorrow I will be leaving on a plane back home as well as calling my parents to break the news. If any of you have any advice for me or any comments that may help me now, I would appreciate them more than ever. Thanks again for being a continuous support for me.
CandleLight25, you are a brave young man. My only advise is be honest with your parents, your friends, family & yourself.
Show your parents the love you obviously have & be open.
That’s the way I want my sons to treat me.
Best wishes & keep us informed.
Mike from Milton.
wow. in that case you will need all love we can offer. know that you are loved. send a pm if you need someone to talk to.
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