Calling It Quits

[Anonymous]

Old-Timer wrote:

You had a relationship of some sort, but you didn’t share the details – and I don’t want you to do so here. Let me repeat that: I don’t want you to share the details here. Please, do NOT share the details here.

Thanks for your Advice Ray. Don’t worry, I won’t be sharing any details here. For one, I’m not comfortable in doing so, and also it wouldn’t be appropriate.

Old-Timer wrote:

You didn’t share any of this with the people who interviewed you when you were being called as a missionary. That probably will (and should) be “held against you” to some degree.

Unfortunately, this all took place after I had taken out my endowments as well. That will also be “held against me.”

Old-Timer wrote:

I would be penitent AND direct in saying you are sorry for the pain and embarrassment your decision to leave on a mission caused and that you are trying to do the right thing and not “live a lie” anymore. Tell them, if you really feel this way, that you will accept whatever decision they make and do your best to remain active in and involved with the Church.

Will they allow me to remain active with such opinions? It’s not my desire to fully embrace a homosexual lifestyle or anything of that nature. I just have tendencies that I am working on, which also cause me to be unsure about the direction of my future. I’m already in pretty deep and everyone thinks “Satan has a strong hold” on me because I don’t believe Mormonism is the “One True Church” etc. It’s all rather depressing to discuss with them.

I survived Church today. Not too many people had the chance to approach me, which was fine. I’d rather people collect their thoughts and get over the shock of seeing me back home before they try reaching out to me. Usually, when people are in shock (myself included), they end up saying things they don’t mean. I know everyone is just trying to love me, and I really appreciate that. They still get really confused when I tell them I’m doing great.

I’m about to leave for a private meeting with my Stake President. He’s a great man, and someone I have a lot of respect for. When we first met with him on the day of my return, he explained that he would like to meet with me a few times before my DC to help “prepare” me for it. I’m not really sure what that entails… but it will most likely be something along the lines of what you just said Ray. I also feel like he’s going to do his best to help me see things through his eyes such as admitting that any homosexual action is sin… and the truthfulness of the LDS church. I’m not really sure how that part will go, but he knows where my heart is.

One last thought- Do I really have the option to not attend the DC? What would happen if that were the case?

[Anonymous]

ATVjunkie wrote:

Good luck today with the DC. I’m not sure what to tell you other than be true to yourself. Unfortunately, they will want to see that you have a broken heart and a contrite spirit – by their definition. And, it will probably require you to tell them what they want to hear in order in order to minimize the actions they take against you. True honesty really isn’t the goal here on their end.

The DC isn’t today, they haven’t actually told me the set date for it yet… I have felt like this is the case on more than one occasion. Specifically when speaking with my Bishop and Mission and Stake Presidents. It’s a little disheartening, isn’t it?

ATVjunkie wrote:

Yeah right. It’s a little more about control and money.

It definitely feels that way sometimes.

[Anonymous]

CandleLight25 wrote:

Do I really have the option to not attend the DC?

Ummm … yes.

They may hold that against you. :shh:

Quote:

What would happen if that were the case?

I can say with some certainty that you would be more likely to receive a harsher “sentence” if you were to blow the whole thing off. That doesn’t play well in Peoria (as the saying goes) and is basically saying that you don’t give a flying fig what the HC/SP thinks about your actions. I am fairly certain that’s what I would do if I were in your shoes, but I’m feeling pretty reckless. So please don’t take that as a recommendation.

[Anonymous]

Quote:

Will they allow me to remain active with such opinions?

Nobody can stop you from attending or from being actively involved if you want to do so.

Callings can be withheld; you can be asked to not partake of the sacrament; there can be restrictions on what you can do; nobody can stop you from attending – or commenting in class – or serving others – or any number of other things. Our scriptures are crystal clear about that point – and the encouragement is worded strongly NOT to forbid those who are excommunicated from attending.

Now, obviously, you will be asked not to “preach your version of the Gospel” or “try to gain converts to your view”. There really is an important difference between believing differently and actively preaching differently. Nobody can stop you from answering questions honestly that are asked of you directly, but they can ask you not to initiate conversations about personal pet peeves.

I know it won’t be easy, but I think there is a great service you can provide by continuing to be active in your ward. For one thing, as more people become aware of your situation, most of them will be less inclined to say ignorant things in your presence – especially since most of them really do love you and won’t want to hurt you. That alone might do much to soften the tone of some discussions that would get stupid if you aren’t there. Also, as they continue to “get to know” the real you better, it can help shatter some of the stereotypes they have – and that’s important., imo.

If it gets hateful or truly harmful, you can leave – but I would hope you can educate people lovingly and simply and non-combatively by continuing to attend and serve with them.

[Anonymous]

the only source i have Candlelight is what i was told when i was an active member. i didn’t read it. i was just told it.(within the last 14 years). i know at one time that people were excommunicated for living together in heterosexual relationships. i know of two cases where this happened. i was one who had a church court over this issue. i was penitent. i abided by the church leaders council and i moved out of my “situation” and later on married the woman i was living with. that was over 20 years ago.

i have heard of one couple where the woman was a member and her boyfriend wasn’t. she was put on probation. that was fairly recent. (the last 2 or 3 years).

like Ray, i totally agree about not being combative or argumentative. it is a matter of standing up for yourself and for gay or lesbian people in the church. i would have to say that gay, lesbian or even transgendered people should have a place in the pews of our church. some may disagree with me. some people may just be born that way and again some would disagree with me.

by standing up for yourself as a gay man can you stand up for yourself in a church court and not be combative or argumentative ? that would have to be up to the person. saying nothing and letting things slide just means the same old attitudes will continue in your area. there have been positive things going on in a stake in california to fight homophobia. i can give you that link. stake leaders are behind that effort and that is a good thing. it isn’t like that in every stake of the church but this stake has taken initiative and is helping people to soften their hearts toward our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters who are members of this church. here is the link:

http://clpearson.com/oaklandstake.htm” class=”bbcode_url”>http://clpearson.com/oaklandstake.htm

hopefully this link will be helpful for you Candlelight.

Sincerely,

Mike (BeLikeChrist)

[Anonymous]

It’s been a week. I’m returning to reflect and report on my meetings with the SP and Bishop. Perhaps no one here really cares to hear me ramble on, but I’ve found that I benefit greatly by organizing my thoughts into sentences and posting them here for review. In any case, please bare with me! :think:

Last week- Meeting w/ SP:

Admittedly, I was more than reluctant to go to this meeting. I don’t really enjoy delving into all of the sensitive and rather gloomy emotions that tend to follow these types of serious discussion. In all honestly, it wears me out. Nevertheless, it was a rather peaceful meeting. Due to my circumstances, I have a pretty lengthy track record with this SP. Through our MANY meetings, I’ve developed a deep respect him. He is a very open minded individual and relatively easy to talk openly with about current issues. I value his trust and friendship and recognize that he is earnestly trying to help me the best way he knows how.

In this meeting my SP relayed his deep concern for me, and even went as far as to say that I was his “number one priority in the Stake right now.” Considering all of his responsibilities, that’s a pretty hefty statement. If it’s true, I almost feel guilty. I certainly don’t feel like my circumstance deserve to be his number one priority. Considering everything, I feel like I’m coping quite well for now. Well, then we proceeded to run through the usual routine of discussion. I often feel like there’s this script complete with diagrams and flow charts for church leaders to follow. Simply pick the issue, then follow the outline. “If Member X believes point A, see point #2, and if Member X believes point B, please see point #3… etc. The point is, it’s so predictable. It’s almost maddening. During this visit, he prescribed Alma, Chapter 5 for my study. That’s what the spirit had directed him to do. Hm… :problem: Maybe I’m suffering from a pride issue. He asked me to read the chapter and be ready to discuss it in our next visit. SPOILER ALERT—> We didn’t discuss it in our next visit. However, I did read it. I’ve read it many times. It’s a great chapter for personal reflection, which is what my SP was getting at. But, then again, it seems that the main sins in play during this chapter are Murder and being uncharitable (this really seems to be the biggest issue throughout the BOM, imho). It’s VERY difficult to relate to personally, when I don’t see my issues comparable to murder, or lack of charity. I still strongly believe that the whole same gender attraction isn’t a sin, and neither are the accompanying issues. At least, not any more of a sin than they are for heterosexual relationships. Yet, I feel like openly accepting these things is like branding myself with a scarlet letter (perhaps the letter H or G instead of the letter A)… 🙄

The last thing we discussed was a book which he had suggested my parents read (my mom is currently reading it now).

The book is called “In Quiet Desperation: Understanding the Challenge of Same-Gender Attraction” written by Fred and Marilyn Matis, and Ty Mansfield.

I’ve heard mention of this book in other posts on this site and wonder if any of you have heard about or read it? Anyways, my SP recommended that I pick up my own copy to read. One issue with this book though is that it is authored by orthodox members, which can prove difficult for me right now. As we continued to discuss my testimony in the LDS church, I began to feel like I was something broken and in need of repair. Rather, that is how I feel my church leaders see me. Personally, I don’t feel like I’m broken at all… but like I’ve said, maybe it’s a pride issue and I need to humble myself and conform to “what’s best for me…” as dictated by “The Church.” For now, it’s all very frustrating…

He also explained to me that he didn’t feel the need to press forward with my DC quite yet, meaning he is going to try and dodge it until he feels I fit his standard…

This Week- Meeting with the Bishop + SP:

Today, I made it through the full block of church. Success! :thumbup: I managed to survive with only a few isolated incidents of awkward. It’s not even really that awkward for me. I’m fine, and I feel like I’m adjusting fine. But really, what I find awkward is noticing how awkward and uncomfortable other people are when trying to start conversation with me. I can see them struggling to think of something to say, but really they don’t need to say anything. Being comforted is nice, when you’re in need of comfort. I was in need of comfort on my 16hr flight home alone. I was in need of comfort when I finally arrived and broke down in front of my parents. I’m no longer in need of that same kind of comfort, and so it’s awkward when people seek to give such comfort to me. On a side note, I often wonder if anyone in my ward is secretly a member of the forum. There are a few people that I swear just might be. Here’s a shout out to any of you if that’s the case! Try to remember what I just said above about comfort if you ever find yourself in a similar situation.

After the block, I had my meeting with the Bishop. Because I’ve worked closely with the SP during most of this, he has more of a general picture of everything. In this meeting, my bishop just wanted to express his love and concern and offer me any help if I needed it. I expressed to him that I was managing comfortably for the time being. He then got to the heart of the issue and opened up a discussion concerning my testimony… :silent: Caution: Dangerous Waters Ahead

I gave him a basic overview of what I’ve been coping with since my faith crisis last year. While venting my frustrations to a friend before this meeting, my friend shared this quote with me: “From the outside looking in, you can never understand it. From the inside looking out, you can never explain it.” I feel like that statement accurately describes this meeting. Again, I found myself feeling like I was being pigeon holed. :problem: The main issue I keep running into with my leaders and parents is that they try to approach the situation as though I’m seeing things on their level. I’m not. The express their concern for my “eternal welfare” and “exaltation” or how I’ll experience “endless sorrow” if I choose a different path then them. I would disagree with these beliefs, but they don’t really see it the way that I do, which makes things rather messy.

My bishop discussed Lehi’s vision with me, commenting on the “mist of darkness” being the doubt and hurtful feelings which accompany researching doctrinal issues and church history. At least, that’s what he attributed those feelings to. He used the “by their fruits you shall know them” phrase to say that the fruits of those things is damaging and not of God. On the other hand, reading scriptures and all the primary answers are of course, of God. Then, he refered to the “the Spirit” that he was feeling in the room and knew that I was feeling also… except I wasn’t. :shh: He went on to give the scale/buckets analogy and how you have to keep it balanced. The negative bucket has a constant flow from the world we live in and we need to always be adding to the positive side “truth’s” to keep us level. I can agree with that part, but maybe not on what is defined as “truth.”That’s basically how our conversation went. Extremely biased and opinionated, but he’s just doing his job. Nothing I haven’t had other leaders say to me before.

After that, I had my meeting with the SP. Double Wammy… yipee Fortunately, he realized that I had just gotten out of a meeting with my bishop so he didn’t keep me too long. We just had a quick discussion about my week and how I felt my relationship with God was doing. On a scale from 1 to 10, I told him I felt like it was around a 7, leaving room for improvement. He seemed a little unsure about that high of a number, because I told him that I hadn’t been having a regular BOM study, but didn’t say anything about it. Anyways, he just wanted to be sure that I knew he was there to help me. I’ve heard the horror stories of other church leaders, and feel pretty confident in saying that I’ve been blessed with some pretty good ones. We may not see things eye to eye, but I have a respect for them and their attempts to help me patch the hole in my bucket that doesn’t exist. 🙄

So, there you have it. I’m interested to hear what you have to say. I value your opinions and insight. Also, I’m sorry for how lengthy this one is! 🙂

[Anonymous]

I thought your latest post was very, very well written from several points of view. It is no doubt in my mind you posess (what I call) the 90% of what the gospel is, and you exude internal traits of Christ that many a SP including a close family member of mine could only dream of. Charitable in spirit and in word, feeling hurt or sorrow over causing your SP top worry means you are so empathetic of others…. others that are standing in judgement of your biology (not your actions neccesaarily). I am a better man today for reading this thread and feel more peace from your soul that comes through mightily in your writting than anything I got at church today. I cannot begin to know your inner turmoil but only to say please please do all you can to continue staying on this side of viewing life and trial as many stay LDSers seem to. If you are as optimisic as me ….”To stay” with our glaring flaws may be our God given life mission to assist the Lord helping ridgid orthadoxy break- down within his gospel that has over corrected to uber-emphasize “dos and don’t” lists (with it: pride, judgement, pharasee letter-law crap) go little by little and each generation is closer to loving thy neighbor as thy self… without limitation. Many of us here do not in fact “fit in the Mormon box” yet we are in many ways much closer to our final destination with God because I believe our own struggles lend us to a mindset that we by far give our fellow man more benefit of doubt than the average TB member. Remember for every Brighahm Young to succeed their must be a Porter Rockwell…. It is up to us to find that peace from the Lord if we are so inspired through personal revelation of this meaning in life for ourselves. No leader in the church can or will give it too you- otherwise there would be chaos on organizational level, the management of which the BP and SP are called to oversee.

[Anonymous]

Dear Candlelight,

I have been away for awhile and do not read or post as often as I used to, but I spent the last hour reading through this entire thread. I have alot in common with you and that is why I found your story so interesting and perhaps my experiences and insights can be of help to you.

I am not gay, but I have a gay son who very much wanted to serve a mission until he discovered his same-sex attraction at 16. He too thought he was going to hell at first and prayed his little heart out for God to take aways those feelings. When it didn’t happen, he lost his faith and left the church. I wrote a book about our story called, “Prayers for Johnathan” and my involement in ex-gay ministries, especially Evergreen, the lds one. I truly believed, “change is possible’ and for some it maybe, but I do not believe it is for most. I am very aware of the book, you mentioned “In Quiet Desperation”, by Ty Mansfield and the Matis’s. I know them personally. They are good people. Ty is a friend of mine and was able to find his heterosexual potential and married a wonderful woman several years ago and have a beautiful little boy now. Ty recently wrote his second book called: “Vocies of Hope” http://www.amazon.com/Voices-Hope-Perspectives-Same-Gender-ebook/dp/B005QQ0AF8 which I have not read but heard was good. At this link is Carol Lynn Pearson’s book, “No More Goodbyes, circling the wagons,” that I highly recommend to you and your parents more than the others. I had sent my son, “In Quiet Desperation” because I thought it was very lovingly written, but my son did not like it because he was pretty much entrenced in the gay world by then. I do believe that both these books are worth reading, just for the spiritual aspects and because they are not judgmental of gays. I would be happy to send you a free ebook of mine which shows parents, friends, and family how to build bridges and find common ground with their gay children. The most powerful spiritual experience I ever had is when I wrote the finally ending to my book. It was when God told me to see my son as in the story of the blind man in the Bible. In Jesus day, if a man was born blind, it was either because the man had sinned, or his parents had sinned. We know what God told the people who asked him whose fault was it that this man was blind; namely that it was no ones fault but to show forth the glory of God. This was so healing to my soul and made me realize that my only job was to love my son, not to change him. God also told me that one of the reason he created gays was to test straight people, to see if they could love those who would be considered the ‘least’ in his kingdom. That straight peoples salvation would be on the line by how they treated gays. It was the most wonderful spiritual experiences I have ever had.

Another way that I strongly related to you was in the aspect of my own mission experience. I served a mission in Austria for 20 months from 1969-71. Missions were two years at that time. I came home 4 months early because I was very sick. European missions are very difficult and not real productive. I had some bad companions and questioned my faith for the first time because going door to door 80 hours a week with mostly rejection can be quite discouraging to a young person. One of the most difficult times on my mission though was when a sister companion hit on me sexually in the middle of the night. She had no idea she could have such feelings for me and it was very frightening for me and embarrassing for her. We talked it out and I did not hold it against her. Just made sure she knew that I did not want it to ever happen again. She felt such guilt that she went to our mission president about it after we were transferred. She did this without telling me and it became a huge mess, because this mission president was very homophobic and raked us both over the coals. He treated us like we were the most disgusting perverts for the rest of our missions. This poor sister ended up hating herself for the rest of her life because of this mission president. I stayed friends with her until she died about 10 years ago and tried to get her to see that only Satan would want her to hate herself like that. It was very sad.

Anyway, I relate to how you felt when flying home. I felt like I had been on the moon for two years and was just flying back to planet earth. I was sick, depressed and discouraged at the time. I was struggling with my faith in God and the church. My previous letters to my family, bishop, and stake president expressed my difficulties and there was grave concern for me. When I met with the stake presidency and high council to give my mission report, I tried to explain how difficult my mission had been for me (without the personal events of my companions). I just talked about how Europe was a difficult mission and how I struggled with my testimony. I was released from my mission then but felt like I was a big dissappointment to everyone.

I am pretty impressed with you because you have come through this with so much of your self-worth in tact. You are living in a generation where the science and culture are much more accepting of gays and the church is even more understanding and tolerant of gays than they used to be. The main thing you need is your own personal relationship with God. Yes, it’s nice to have family, and church approval, but God’s personal revelation to you is what counts. I think you are going to be just fine.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been praying for you, and I don’t think I’m the only one.

“BUT ALL WILL BE WELL, AND EVERY KIND OF THING WILL BE WELL.” – Julian of Norwich.

[Anonymous]

Ditto – Mike from Milton.

[Anonymous]

Shades of Grey wrote:

I thought your latest post was very, very well written from several points of view. It is no doubt in my mind you posess (what I call) the 90% of what the gospel is, and you exude internal traits of Christ that many a SP including a close family member of mine could only dream of. Charitable in spirit and in word, feeling hurt or sorrow over causing your SP top worry means you are so empathetic of others…. others that are standing in judgement of your biology (not your actions neccesaarily). I am a better man today for reading this thread and feel more peace from your soul that comes through mightily in your writting than anything I got at church today.

Thanks Shades of Grey, your words are very humbling. It makes me happy knowing that you have found peace in my words. I’m just trying to deal with all of this the best way I can, without bringing damage or harm to others that could be avoided.

Shades of Grey wrote:

Many of us here do not in fact “fit in the Mormon box” yet we are in many ways much closer to our final destination with God because I believe our own struggles lend us to a mindset that we by far give our fellow man more benefit of doubt than the average TB member. Remember for every Brighahm Young to succeed their must be a Porter Rockwell…. It is up to us to find that peace from the Lord if we are so inspired through personal revelation of this meaning in life for ourselves. No leader in the church can or will give it too you- otherwise there would be chaos on organizational level, the management of which the BP and SP are called to oversee.

I loved the way you worded these last lines. For me, they are stitched together with a lot of truth. Personal revelation seems to be the key.

********************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

Thanks Bridget! I have read the post where you talked about your son and talked about your personal experience with him. I was hoping that you might pick up on this thread for that reason. I recognize that you have a better understanding of what’s going on, and also that you could possibly help my parents cope with all of this.

bridget_night wrote:

He too thought he was going to hell at first and prayed his little heart out for God to take aways those feelings.

Like your son, I’ve been through the whole praying process, pleading with God to help me fix this, but it’s not much help. I’ve learned there’s more power in asking for God’s divine grace (enabling power) to help me push through.

bridget_night wrote:

I am very aware of the book, you mentioned “In Quiet Desperation”, by Ty Mansfield and the Matis’s. I know them personally. They are good people. Ty is a friend of mine and was able to find his heterosexual potential and married a wonderful woman several years ago and have a beautiful little boy now. Ty recently wrote his second book called: “Vocies of Hope” http://www.amazon.com/Voices-Hope-Perspectives-Same-Gender-ebook/dp/B005QQ0AF8 which I have not read but heard was good. At this link is Carol Lynn Pearson’s book, “No More Goodbyes, circling the wagons,” that I highly recommend to you and your parents more than the others.

It’s neat that you know Ty Mansfield personally. I’m glad that he was able to find his heterosexual potential and rear a family. I was reading up on his second book you mentioned, the other day. I’ve never heard of that last one, but I followed the link and read the description. Sounds like it would be a good resource for me and my family, so I’ll probably end up buying it. Thank you!

bridget_night wrote:

I would be happy to send you a free ebook of mine which shows parents, friends, and family how to build bridges and find common ground with their gay children. The most powerful spiritual experience I ever had is when I wrote the finally ending to my book. It was when God told me to see my son as in the story of the blind man in the Bible. In Jesus day, if a man was born blind, it was either because the man had sinned, or his parents had sinned. We know what God told the people who asked him whose fault was it that this man was blind; namely that it was no ones fault but to show forth the glory of God. This was so healing to my soul and made me realize that my only job was to love my son, not to change him. God also told me that one of the reason he created gays was to test straight people, to see if they could love those who would be considered the ‘least’ in his kingdom. That straight peoples salvation would be on the line by how they treated gays. It was the most wonderful spiritual experiences I have ever had.

I will gladly take you up on your offer to send me your ebook. It sounds like you had a very special experience while writing it, and I would love to read it. Anything that you think could help me, and my family is greatly appreciated.

I’m sorry for the incident that occurred while you were on your mission. That had to be something very difficult to deal with, especially with a mission president like you described. I feel really bad for that Sister and her personal torment, and can’t even imagine how terrible it would be to die with such negative feelings about myself and my life.

bridget_night wrote:

I am pretty impressed with you because you have come through this with so much of your self-worth in tact. You are living in a generation where the science and culture are much more accepting of gays and the church is even more understanding and tolerant of gays than they used to be. The main thing you need is your own personal relationship with God. Yes, it’s nice to have family, and church approval, but God’s personal revelation to you is what counts. I think you are going to be just fine.

Yes, I am so thankful for living during this time. I believe I’ll be around to witness amazing changes and improvements concerning all of this. I couldn’t agree more with your comment about the importance of my personal relationship with God. That is something I feel really strongly about, and that relationship will be my constant companion and focus as I continue this journey. Thank you for the help!

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your replies on this forum. I just sent you a private message.

[Anonymous]

I’m not going to go into too many personal details other than to say, except for coming home from a mission early, I understand very much the struggles you are facing. I have read the book, “In Queit Desparation” and did not find it helpful. It is one of the better books out there on the subject, but I don’t like the approach to SSA they take. I absolutely hate the fact people call it SSA or SGA as though it is some kind of disease.

The problem with the church approach and worldly approach to gender issues, is quite simply the application of labels. The LDS approach of looking at yourself as though you are sick and need to be treated is so damaging and unhelpful. At least it was to me. I stayed away from Evergreen and organizations like that. I didn’t feel sick and I didn’t need to beat myself up even more. The worldly approach asks you to label yourself gay or straight to the exclusion of the other.

The most peace came when I finally accepted myself just the way I was. I like boys, I like girls and I am completely in love with my wife and children. I often wonder what it would have been like to label myself gay and walk that path. I am quite sure that I would never have come to the calm acceptance I have now. I never would have learned that I could have love for a woman as well.

By avoiding the path of labelling myself and examining and accepting who I was and what I wanted I found what I needed. That is my first and most important advice. Love yourself as God loves you. Your “tendancies” are a gift from him to help you learn and grow. Don’t begrudge a gift from God.

As far as DC’s, my experience has been both bad and good. It really depends on your leaders. My advice is to trust in God and never lose faith in him. No matter what path you choose, your world will be forever changed by these experiences. Just ride the wave.

If I were you, I would read “Believing Christ” by Stephen E. Robinson. Learn what the atonement really means. Don’t focus your life on your “tendencies” because there is so much more to you than your sexual preferences. It is only a part of who you are. Avoid blowing it up to be the only thing you are about.

[Anonymous]

Wonderful, mr. musician. Thank you for your input.

[Anonymous]

Old-Timer wrote:

Wonderful, mr. musician. Thank you for your input.

+1000.

I mentioned in another thread how I was abused as a boy by another boy. For years, I supressed this, but really had problems relating to girls growing up. I tended to do inappropriate things with other boys at times, and really didn’t understand what was going on.

Later, I finally figured out the girl thing, and after my mission, I had wonderful dating experiences. 33 years ago, yesterday, I asked my sweet wife to marry me, and we’ve had five wonderful daughters — an amazing life.

But it took me a long time to realize the spectrum of sexual orientation we have. When I supressed my memories of boyhood indiscretion, I become most pronouncedly anti-gay. later, going through alcoholic recovery, I did a fourth and fifth step, where I explored my own past and found the experiences of my boyhood were a painful chapter I had not opened. Once I opened the chapter, embraced it, I could no longer be anti-gay, but rather, filled with compassion with the realization that I could be there as well.

I came to love myself for who I am — all of me.

But the labels are quite destructive. I would hope that we are free: free to express love to whomever we feel we love. If that is same gender, great! if that is opposite gender, great! But to feel love is not necessarily a choice — it sort of comes on us. Yet how politically uncorrect of me. how immoral of me from an LDS point of view.

Yet, here i now have a gay daughter — a wonderful person, full of love and spirit. Totally against the church since 2008, it’s now hard to reconcile the church position with the gay community’s position — they are the same: all or nothing. Such absolutism is not helpful in reconciling us to each other.

[Author]

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