Charity: "Having Confidence" is NOT "Being Puffed Up"

[Anonymous]

The fundamental point of my resolutions posts this month has been that charity is measured largely by how one views one’s own abilities and knowledge – but, more precisely, that “vaunting” one’s self and being “puffed up” are manifestations of one’s view of one’s self relative to others. In summary, the lack of charity in the manifetation of vaunting one’s self and being puffed up is measured by how one raises himself above others – how one views her own abilities and/or knowledge in relation to others – and, again, more precisely, how one must devalue another’s abilities and/or knowledge in order to value one’s own more than is “correct”.

The following, I believe, is self-evident, but I still believe it needs to be said:

It is very easy when thinking of this juxtaposition to conclude that self-confidence stands in opposition to charity – that if one is aware of and admits to a difference in the abilities and knowledge among people, and if part of that awareness and admission is that one’s ability and/or understanding is greater than another’s, then one is not being charitable. However, this stands in direct opposition to both common sense and one of the central themes of scripture and the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Again, the key is not a recognition of differences in ability and understanding, but rather it is not allowing that recognition to lead to condescension and condemnation.

In case anyone is tempted to dispute the title of this post, simply stop and realize that the parable of the talents explicitly ends in the Lord rewarding those who recognized their abilities to multiply what they were given – and in the Lord taking what he had given from the one who feared his Lord and did not magnify what he had been given. It rarely is phrased this way, but the two who were rewarded had the ability, understanding and self-confidence necessary to do what they knew the Lord desired of them; he who was not rewarded lacked the ability and understanding to do so – perhaps due directly to a lack of self-confidence, manifested in fear.

There is nothing wrong with me admitting and openly stating that I have been blessed with a natural ability to understand mathematical concepts – or to see how various pieces of a puzzle fit together (both physical puzzles and conceptual puzzles) – or to find joy in simple things – or to see the good in others. Those are personal strengths, and it would be dishonest or disingenuous to state otherwise – and, at the very least, I would be naive and misguided to think that all share those strengths equally. It is not the recognition of my own strengths that constitutes being puffed up and vaunting of myself; it is the over-valuing and/or over-estimation of my own strengths and the under-valuing and/or under-estimation of others’ strengths on which Paul focuses in I Cornithians 13.

Part of the message of the Sermon on the Mount, on which I focused for two years, is the challenge to put conscious effort into understanding those characteristics that comprise completion, wholeness and full development (“perfection”) – and to pursue acquiring them in order to glorify God. That entire process requires a level of confidence – and confidence is another way to phrase faith and hope. Of course, ultimate confidence in this process is pointed toward God, but one of the uniquely empowering aspects of Mormonism is the addition of an element of confidence in our own status as children of God – confidence that humans really are “worthy” of “the grace that so fully he proffers us” (based simply on our shared heritage of sons and daughters of divinity, not based on “individual worth” as distinguished from others).

There is nothing noble, in my opinion, in false modesty or self-deprication. Those things are not the same as meekness and humility. The former are facades; the latter are internal characteristics. The former are deceptive; the latter simply are descriptive. In that light, I believe it is much better to offer a simple, sincere “Thank you” when complimented than to deflect honest expressions with canned phrases that reject the sincerity of others’ words – thus devaluing their praise. False modesty, as a way to avoid openly vaunting one’s self, only masks the puffiness that exists hidden inside and is, therefore, hypocrisy.

[Anonymous]

Postscript: I have felt the need to add one “disclaimer” – and it is an important one, I believe:

There is a fine line between proper and realistic self-confidence and reckless self-confidence. The latter (recklessness) often appears in the religious as a belief that the Lord will not let anything bad happen to you – that you can do anything without concern for the potential consequences – that you deserve to have good things happen to you and that nothing is an un-necessary risk.

There is realistically being aware of one’s strengths AND weaknesses, and there is being aware of one’s strengths and blind to one’s weaknesses – and there is being aware of one’s strengths and blind to others’ weaknesses (which is a weakness, in and of itself). I am not advocating blind and/or all-encompassing confidence in this post. Even Ammon gloried “in the Lord” – and humans have a tendency to think the Lord will help them get whatever THEY want, rather than what HE wants to accomplish through them.

[Anonymous]

Old-Timer, once again you have brought into the light an aspect of truth and wisdom. It is very important to accurately understand ourselves. Christ wasn’t a proud man, but he was still confident. Could you imagine someone telling Jesus how marvelous it was of him to cleanse that leper and hear him say in return, “Oh, it wasn’t so much. Anyone would have done it if they knew how…”? I rather imagine He would have used the opportunity to teach a valuable lesson as when he told the parable of the good samaritan. I don’t think He would have boasted of himself either. He did acknowledge His divinity and what His mission in life was, but he didn’t go around making a fuss out of it. Didn’t he tell the blind man to tell no one he was healed? Still other times he told others he healed to go show themselves to the high priest.

It really is important for us to acknowledge what we are and what we are not. We may offer our services to those who could use them whether that be our woodworking abilities to build a shed or our cooking abilities to help a family who has had a hard time. I don’t know how many of you have heard the story of the family who was getting ready for a funeral and one neighbor came over and shined the shoes for the whole family. That is a good example of using our talents, be them what they may, to help others. Now, it would not be helpful for me to offer to sew a prom dress for my neighbor’s daughter, because I can’t sew that well, but when I see their dad broke his arm, and the snow sitting on their sidewalk, I can run over and shovel his walk after I’ve finished mine. Someone else can sew the prom dress. I can do what I know how to do.

I remember when I was a little boy, the ward had an activity where every family in the neighborhood got together and split up into teams. Each team took one block, and went from house to house finding projects to work on. At one house, all the men took their shovels, and chainsaws and trimmers and cleaned up the shrubs and trees outside, and mowed the lawn. All the women went inside with their scrub brushes, and sponges and cleaning solutions and washed the walls and windows and cleaned the kitchen. The whole project took about 2 hours with so many hands working together, and when it was done, we all went to the church for an ice cream social. That’s one of my favorite ward activity memories I have. Everyone did what they knew how to do, and some people learned new skills in the process. It was a good way for everyone to use their talents in a modest way. It wasn’t about picking on the dirty houses in the neighborhood, it was about helping those who needed it.

It is a good thing for me to pick up my rake and go help my neighbor rake up his leaves, but not for me to stand over the fence from him and tell him how good I am at yard work while he toils in his own yard after a long hard day in an office cubicle. It’s also not good for me to see him working so hard, knowing I have the time and the knowledge to help him get the job done faster, and pretend not to notice him working in his yard as I sneak into my own house. He can refuse my offer, and probably will, but it would be easier for him to accept my help if I just quietly showed up in his yard with my own rake and just started working alongside him. That isn’t being “puffed up”, that’s just being neighborly.

I don’t know that I’m as good at this as I should be, but I know it’s the right way to be. I guess we’ll both have to work at acknowledging our strengths and our weaknesses as well, Ray.

[Anonymous]

I agree with what you wrote. For me the more knowledge I acquire, the more I realize how little I know. It is a very humbling thing. I may have a talent, and I can be confident it is a gift from God. I can be confident that I am a special in his eyes. The confidence I feel about myself is towards myself, and not in relation to others. There will always be someone better at something than I, though I may be better than many at it as well. So the two do not coincide in my mind. I am confident in my abilities, especially confident in my propensity to grow, and become a better version of myself. I guess confidence to me is directly related to ability now that I think about it. I have confidence that while I may not the best at something, I can work at it, and become more. It has nothing to do with others abilities for we all have the ability to become more. My husband is naturally better at math than I am, I am horrible at it. He is grateful for his gift, and confident in himself that he can grow even more, and has been blessed with the ability to see things more clearly and easily. He will probably always have a more knowledge in math than me, but he know I could catch up to him if I put in enough effort. It would probably take triple the effort for me to get there, but I could. Therefore he acknowledges that I am gifted to understand others things better than he, but that I have the ability if I desire to obtain the same gifts as he does. He is not puffed up about his abilities because he knows that he lacks knowledge, and there is so much more to learn. Also he knows that if someone were to work hard enough they could obtain the same level of knowledge he obtained. At the same time he is confident, I they both can live happily in the world together. The more confidence I gain, the more humble I become. The more I realize I have yet to learn. Also the more confident I am the more I am able to see others gifts with out having to shield a weak ego.

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