Charity: How Can We Learn to Suffer Long and Be Kind?

[Anonymous]

In my previous resolutions posts this month, I tackled the “what” and the “why” of charity as a manifestion of long-suffering in kindness. This week, I am turning to the “how” – which, ultimately, is the most important thing to consider, since theoretical understanding without practical application is useless or even damning.

I have to admit up-front that I don’t think I’ve gained any new or mysterious insight into this topic this month. What I have learned, however, is what I have learned over and over again as I have embarked on this resolution process:

Just as it is impossible to come to know the Master whom I do not serve, it likewise is impossible to acquire a godlike characteristic toward which I do not extend focused thought and effort – or which I am not aware consciously and regularly. These things simply must become internalized and habitual – a “new nature”, if you will. For that to happen, it must be at the forefront of my mind on a regular basis.

This requires a commitment of TIME – even if not distinct and separate time on a large scale. In other words, while it is impossible for most people to focus long stretches of time on endeavors like concentrating on the acquisition of godly characteristics, it is important to focus one’s mind on the pursuit in such a way that it is on one’s mind whenever possible. For example, my resolution to suffer a little more in kindness this month might leave my conscious mind while I am immersed in an editing project at work or on the phone with a prospective student – but, in order truly to have a lasting impact on my character and soul, that pursuit must be close enough to the surface to rise whenever it is needed. This includes those times when that editing project (or the demands of others regarding it) and that prospective student create a situation in which it might be easy or natural to react too quickly and not in a kind manner. The more the endeavor is on my mind when it can be considered in isolation, the more likely it will come to mind when it otherwise would be crowded out by the numbing normalcy of life.

Let me share two examples from this month in summary – one positive and one negative:

1) As I have written in other posts throughout my resolution process, it is hard to be long-suffering and kind with those who are closest to us – probably for no more profound reason than that they give us the most opportunities to suffer and be unkind (as we do for them). With them, it is necessary to “endure to the end” – with an “end” that often is not foreseeable.

This month, I have done a much better job of reacting less quickly and more kindly to my youngest daughter – who, at a precocious seven, is prone to test my patience. I have thought of her often as I have considered this resolution, and so, naturally, I have reacted more slowly and kindly on many occasions. I have had moments where I have reacted too quickly and not kindly enough, but I have done much better this month.

2) The details are not important here, but I failed miserably in a situation for which I was not prepared and which happened late at night when I already was tired and “unfocused”. If nothing else, this caused me to realize how far I still have to go to conquer perhaps the most difficult aspect of long-suffering in kindness – reacting to the FIRST instances of actions that upset me. On a long-term basis, it is harder to be long-suffering and kind when someone continually does and/or says things that might offend, but I have come to recognize that the initial suffering caused by someone for whom I have not built a reserve of love is the suffering that tends to cause me to react the most quickly and least kindly.

Unfortunately, those exact situations often are the very events that form first impressions and contribute to the difficulty of forgiving and loving in the future. If a first impression is one of love and kindness, it is FAR more likely that on-going difficulties will be handled in a patient and kind manner than when that first impression is negative. Thus, it is critical that long-suffering in kindness by internalized in such a way that the INITIAL suffering caused by strangers and associates by met properly – not just the on-going suffering caused by those we love and forgive regularly.

HOW?

Practice and focus and diligence.

That’s all I have, and I don’t want to complicate it more than that. It really is about TIME.

[Anonymous]

Thanks again, Ray. This is so timely for me. I have almost the exact situation with my ten-year-old and I have been consciously trying to be better. It’s so hard sometimes and my “default” is always wrong. So, I, too, am actively trying to stay focused on the present and the “reaction”, recognizing where it comes from, and working to engage a different mind-set paradigm.

Ironically, I have no problems with this with my seven-year-old. I know it’s mostly from expectations… I have a long way to go.

[Anonymous]

My problems is I feel I have been suffering for over a year. I have stayed calm (for the most part), and patient, and kind.

But I do not feel charity or spiritually uplifted … I just feel tired of enduring and try to fight feelings of selfishness, but sometimes I enjoy just skipping church and relaxing with nature.

I have resolved to keep at it, and stay kind and keep doing acts of service.

Thanks for this topic Ray, it is something on my mind a lot. I just don’t think I’m learning the lesson I should be. So I will keep at it in hopes I will figure out the “how” to suffer long and staying kind.

[Anonymous]

Heber13 wrote:

My problems is I feel I have been suffering for over a year. I have stayed calm (for the most part), and patient, and kind.

But I do not feel charity or spiritually uplifted … I just feel tired of enduring and try to fight feelings of selfishness, but sometimes I enjoy just skipping church and relaxing with nature.

I have resolved to keep at it, and stay kind and keep doing acts of service.

Thanks for this topic Ray, it is something on my mind a lot. I just don’t think I’m learning the lesson I should be. So I will keep at it in hopes I will figure out the “how” to suffer long and staying kind.

Here’s a freaky question. What if there is no lesson to learn? What if it is simply the experience that needs experiencing?

Don’t get me wrong, I love learning and growing! But, sometimes I think, as LDS, we get sooo caught up in what we are supposed to learn and everything being a test that we forget to just BE.

(((hugs))) I hope your suffering is not long lasting. I think your resolve to be kind and do service is wonderful.

[Anonymous]

just me wrote:

Here’s a freaky question. What if there is no lesson to learn? What if it is simply the experience that needs experiencing?

Don’t get me wrong, I love learning and growing! But, sometimes I think, as LDS, we get sooo caught up in what we are supposed to learn and everything being a test that we forget to just BE.

(((hugs))) I hope your suffering is not long lasting. I think your resolve to be kind and do service is wonderful.

I’m sensing a “theme” along many new threads … find peace and charity in the “now” without getting over-worked about the historical past, or the pressure to learn things to try to control the future.

Just develop the character we need so it is how we react in the moment when things happen.

Old-Timer wrote:

The more the endeavor is on my mind when it can be considered in isolation, the more likely it will come to mind when it otherwise would be crowded out by the numbing normalcy of life.

How? Practice and focus and diligence.

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