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This LDS video was recently shared with me and I am having a different reaction to it than I think it was meant to encourage. I see a young, apparently single, mother in this video who needs to stop and put her own oxygen mask on for a bit in order that she will be able to survive the long journey with her kids. I feel this video is manipulative and will encourage women to feel guilty for scheduling for their own emotional needs to be met. I am interested to read your reactions. Maybe I am being too harsh. But I have helped too many sisters struggle through depression over the years of my membership in the church. Sister Okazaki wrote a book entitled “Lighten Up” for a reason. We can’t do all things for all people for all of our lives. We have to take care of ourselves too and will be better at helping others in the long run. http://www.mormonchannel.org/video/mormon-messages?v=3792885561001 It is the one titled “You Never Know”. I kind of agree with you. On the one hand I guess it is good to think about all we do accomplish in a day and the many ways we help others, but in this video I felt like I was watching a woman who hasn’t learned how to say no. She seemed overwhelmed to me to the point of depression. It would have been nice if someone else had offered her a helping hand. I think the video might lead some to think they should always put themselves last, and to feel bad if they didn’t. I did like President Hinkley’s message at the end. Thanks Harmony. I always like President Hinckley quotes, too. I just felt such a strong reaction when I saw it. This quick get together with her cousin was scheduled on the calendar. Not a person she could see any other time. I am not sure why the producers of the video used such an example. Her day was nonstop with giving to others and I feel it was a message to women to be willing to cancel their own important things to always take care of whatever popped up in the moment. I feel I have learned in my own life to take time to replenish myself too in order to be in better shape to serve others. Serving others is important. But Jesus also had an example of taking time away from people and pressing needs. I just wondered if I was the only one seeing the underlying message. What I don’t get is, why don’t men get these kinds of messages aimed at them? Why aren’t men told that they have to give and give and give until there is nothing left of them? Why aren’t men being told, “Hey, you probably feel like a failure right now… but you aren’t because somebody of the opposite gender said so.” Oh right… it’s because men aren’t nurturers
No offense intended here, Joni, but there are many men who feel like they have given more than they can and still don’t feel loved, appreciated, worthwhile, etc. No amount of anyone of either gender using trite statements changes that in either gender. You’re right DJ. It can happen to either gender. I think generally, men are better at saying no without guilt than women are though. It took me until well into my 30’s and a traumatic experience to learn how to say no. It has made a HUGE difference in my emotional well being and my ability to serve others. We aren’t taught this in the church. Just the opposite in fact. I remember sitting in a SS class one Sunday and the bishop said that if we’re feeling overwhelmed in our service and our lives, then we’re not doing it right, meaning that if we’re following the Savior, we shouldn’t feel overwhelmed. WHAT?!? I could almost hear some of the sisters thinking, “Oh no, if I feel overwhelmed, I’m bad.”
Fmh has a great response to that video , http://www.feministmormonhousewives.org/2014/09/you-never-know-a-response-from-a-mother/ I’ve never really had the guilt from turning down a service project.
Quote:“Many Mormon women do not have clear boundaries for themselves. They feel a sense of confusion about who they are, because many competing voices lay claim to them and they try to accommodate them all. For example, when I became a member of the Relief Society general presidency, I was appalled at how many women were tormented by guilt about their responsibilities as mothers. They seemed unable to see a boundary between themselves and their children. . . .
It is a strength for women to be able to cross their own boundaries easily when they are meeting the needs of their children and serving others, but it is a great disadvantage when they feel every call for service as an imperative which they are obligated to meet. Remember, a boundary has “yes” on one side and “no” on the other. A woman who never feels that she can say “no” is lacking an important element of personal identity and, hence, personal safety.”
-Chieko Okazaki, Boundaries, p. 5-6
If we can’t say no to anything then sometimes it is the people closest to us that suffer. If we give until we are empty, our family will often bear the brunt of our emptiness.
Even million dollar ad agencies put out doozies once in awhile. The church isn’t perfect, right?
DW feels guilty about not doing more all the time. She asks me if it she needs to be more “christ-like.” I tell her that the Christ was a God in his own right. We mere mortals need to have balance.
TataniaAvalon: Thank you for posting that link! From there I followed another one over to the Exponent. Others noticed the same thing and there is a great discussion going on now. Roy: “
If we can’t say no to anything then sometimes it is the people closest to us that suffer. If we give until we are empty, our family will often bear the brunt of our emptiness.”
Very good point!If we could all just get to the point where we recognize and express appreciation for services from everyone at church. So many times, it is “expected” and yet those in higher profile callings are praised so often.
Also, I think the mother in the video could use some flexibility training as well as boundary setting. Take the family with the newborn a pizza. Ask the mother dropping the little girl off if she minded if the little girl went along on errands. Point out to her sister that she was having a rough day herself and could she please listen for a few minutes. Let her son suffer the consequences of not having his project done as well as allowing her daughter to experience hunger for not being willing to eat what was prepared. If there was husband, where was he? Could he have given an encouraging phone call or text sometime during the day?
MockingJay wrote:You’re right DJ. It can happen to either gender. I think generally, men are better at saying no without guilt than women are though. It took me until well into my 30’s and a traumatic experience to learn how to say no. It has made a HUGE difference in my emotional well being and my ability to serve others.
We aren’t taught this in the church. Just the opposite in fact. I remember sitting in a SS class one Sunday and the bishop said that if we’re feeling overwhelmed in our service and our lives, then we’re not doing it right, meaning that if we’re following the Savior, we shouldn’t feel overwhelmed. WHAT?!? I could almost hear some of the sisters thinking, “Oh no, if I feel overwhelmed, I’m bad.”
Exactly!
Quote:why don’t men get these kinds of messages aimed at them? Why aren’t men told that they have to give and give and give until there is nothing left of them?
We do. All. the. time. A good question might be:
Quote:“Why aren’t men allowed to suffer from depression and deal with it openly?”
I am NOT trying AT ALL to downplay the effect of depression and over-commmitment on women. Not at all.That is a real and serious issue, and I have written about it extensively on my personal blog, here and at public venues. I’m just saying this issue is not gender-specific, even in the LDS Church. In fact, the existence and effects of depression on women actually gets more attention than the effects of depression on men – largely because, culturally, men are supposed to be the strong, silent ones who suck it up, don’t cry, don’t get emotional and be the rock for everyone else. For example (and I chose this example intentionally, since many would label it instinctively as silly and trivial), women go through menopause (a clinical term for something they can’t control that has negative effects); men have mid-life crises (a phrase that implies, at least, something that is their fault and that they “fail” to control properly). The difference in terminology and description is striking and indicative of what I said above.
I like Pres. Hinkley’s message. I think it’s well intended, but the video made me cry for the expectations placed on all of us. Not just women but everyone. The message is clear and has been for as long as I’ve been a member that God expects us to work till the last breath. That is my standard because that’s what God expects. That I fail at it daily is really depressing. And I come from a different perspective since I’m not married and don’t have kids. I don’t need to spend my days in the minivan driving my children to different events. I don’t have the intense frustrations (and joys) that parents have raising their children. I’m not sacrificing myself daily for my family like so many moms and dads do. Does this make me a bad person? I feel guilty because my schedule isn’t as hectic. I stay busy with work (I’m a high school teacher) but I’ve taken time to go back to school. I’m feeling very hopeless of ever finding joy, peace, God’s mercy in this church because of the expectations and the constant guilt I feel. Maybe I’m not supposed to feel love for myself. Maybe God’s expectation is self sacrifice but it doesn’t feel very nice. 
Fwiw, I believe in self-sacrifice – but you can’t sacrifice what you don’t have. I also believe in self-fulfillment – and the two are not mutually exclusive. It’s just that self-fulfillment is necessary for health self-sacrifice.
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