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I believe in self sacrifice too. And service. I’m glad we’re taught about both in the church. Today, and maybe I’ll feel differently tomorrow, I don’t like the expectation that working till we have nothing left to give is expected and glorified. I sat down with my wife aid we watched the video together. At the end we were both in tears. She is TBM and I am not, and while we both thought the video wasn’t perfect we both felt uplifted by the reminder that our sacrifices do in fact help others even if we don’t often see it.. I’m working with kids with pornography, drug, relationship, and financial challenges, and I appreciated a reminder that its’ ok to feel down and that I am a force for good. My wife needed the reminder that she is sharing her marriage for the benefit of others who need help. I feel down fairly often.
Excellent contribution, roadrunner. It’s really important to acknowledge and remember that different people get different messages from the exact same presentations, both verbal (like talks) and visual (like videos).
I’m blogging about the video on Tuesday. While I can see merit in the good intention to help people see that service often matters to people in ways we don’t know, there are several things that really rankled: 1) why is the career sister so horrible and selfish? was that necessary or even realistic?, 2) what about her poor cousin stranded at the airport? why is that not a big deal to miss but it’s apparently necessary to put the needs of some other family ahead – the able bodied husband who answered the door to take the food couldn’t have ordered a friggin’ pizza??? Really??, and 3) where are the men? is this some alternate universe with no men at all, but somehow this apparently single mom is able to keep a roof over her head, a car, and kids clothed and fed with no income? That seemed hard to believe. How is that possible? I get the point some of you are making here with this story featuring a woman, and I do see and believe that there is sexism in the church. I agree with everything you have said Hawkgrrrl and I look forward to reading your blog. But what about two other recently released church videos featuring men? The overcoming porn one, for instance. Do only men look at porn? (Rhetorical question, I happen to know a few women who regularly do.) And that heartwarming story of the guy who was going to commit suicide. Do only men do that? I’m just saying that any of these videos could have featured either gender. Gender is not the point and maybe we need to be mature enough in our faith to look beyond that. [end rant]
Jedi: I guess I’d like to see more videos that show both genders in that case. I read a statistic that a third of women watch porn. I don’t know if that’s true, or if that’s true within Mormonism specifically even if it’s true on the whole. Also, there are probably different degrees of porn-viewing in terms of what people are looking at and what they do about that. Seeing porn one time 
= addiction.This video just didn’t make a lot of sense due to the lack of men. Are there women who literally don’t interact with men their entire day? Was the main woman supposed to be married? Because she wasn’t employed, and so how is her family paid for? And if she’s married, why didn’t she call her husband as her partner to get some kind of moral support?
I’m sorry, but that video ends with her turning into Susan Smith. How is that good for anyone? I’m still stressed out just thinking about it. That way lies madness.
And count me among those women who are beyond sick to death of men telling us how to be women. Color me skeptical that any man who benefits from female domestic labor is going to be objective and empathetic about it.
I couldn’t agree more, Hawkgrrrl. The church does bring on this perception of gender inequality by its own actions (and please understand that I know it’s not just a perception), and these three videos mentioned are evidence of such. And I’m with you all the way, I have no idea what it means to be a woman and it’s not my place to tell any woman how to be a woman. As far as I am concerned, the more discussion on this topic, the better! We could all benefit. I appreciate all the viewpoints, but I feel this video was guilty of demonstrating some manipulation as to women’s roles and expectations of women and service in the church. I am sure there are some vidoes out there doing that to men too. I stayed away from the suicide one because I felt it might be too simplistic since those thinking of suicide are usually in a very complicated state of mind. Some people on another site have expressed that because she was wearing a wedding ring there has to be a husband in the picture. Very sad if so since there wasn’t one mention of daddy anywhere in the video. I wondered if she was supposed to be a young widow and her husband had the foresight to make sure he had great life insurance.
I thought a lot about Roadrunner’s post and how good the video made he and his wife feel. I have always loved that quote by President Hinckley I do not like it being applied to a video like this.I wish we could all realize we do make a difference in each other’s lives and that there would never be a question about that. It was very rude to stand up her cousin/friend at the airport who might have been in need of her company too.
I wish the video could have been done in such a way as to show her being of service and even having her own spirits lifted by helping others and yet also show her balancing, setting boundaries, being flexible, thinking outside the box and replenishing herself along the way. What a great example that would be to her own children.
I so agree with Hawkgirl on her points, especially about her working sister being portrayed as being so self centered and insensitive. I look forward to Hawkgirl’s blog and the commentary on this topic.
Life is ironic. I wouldn’t have ever called myself a feminist, but inch by blessed inch the conservative church I am a member of is pushing me towards a feminism I wasn’t expecting. I am not a Molly Mormon, but I chose to do the stay at home Mom route, I chose it because my grandmother had grown up in an orphanage and the value of family home life became important because of that. I have also worked in Fortune 500 companies and have raised two strong independent daughters who are presently launching into adulthood.
Since last spring when the PA team began selecting “righteous” women’s groups to converse with I have found myself becoming defensive – very defensive. I have a voice, I have talents, I am smart, articulate, skilled, organized, powerful, spiritual, feminine and I don’t want to be … Belittled, defined, portrayed or assessed. Gabriel came to Mary – not Joseph, Christ appeared to Mary Magdalene – not Peter, Ruth repaired Christ’s lineage – not Boaz.
This just irritates me to no end.
Can’t wait to read Hawkgrrl tomorrow.
Mixed emotions on that one probably because I’ve been on both extremes. At some point you have to say no and you can’t let guilt make you second guess your decision when you
needto say no. Projecting here… you could see the gears of guilt churning in that woman’s head when she was headed out the door and found another service opportunity making demands of her time. When that call comes to cook a meal for another family, at this point she appears to be overwhelmed, what made her agree to that? Guilt. Maybe, maybe not but when I’ve been overwhelmed and I’ve received those calls that stretched me it was almost always guilt that prevented me from saying no.
What is the message here? People were blessed by her service so that justifies pushing her to her breaking point? There’s comfort in knowing that your service makes a difference but what I saw was a person pushed beyond their limits.
Here’s the thing for all those people that struggle to say no… if that lady picked up and moved to Germany the woman looking for a sitter would have found someone else. Someone else would have fed that family. Yes, passing the buck isn’t the most charitable approach and if everyone makes it someone else’s responsibility nothing gets done, I’m not speaking to avoiding all forms of service, this is aimed at the people that struggle with saying no to the point that they have a breakdown juggling their problems and everyone else’s problems.
On the other extreme. I remember when someone from church did a small act of service for our family. I’d rather not get into the details but that little act of service helped pull my mood out of a tailspin. I’m sure that church member had no idea what kind of difference they made and I don’t know what kind of sacrifices that they had to make to serve us. In reflecting back on that experience I think one thing missing from this video is gratitude. For the woman in the video I’m sure it would be nice to remember the GBH quote. Her spirits may have been uplifted further if some of those people came back to her and thanked her. That way she gets to actually hear what kind of difference she made instead of imagining it.
I published a day early to be more timely. Here it is: http://www.wheatandtares.org/15169/15169/ hawkgrrrl wrote:This video just didn’t make a lot of sense due to the lack of men. Are there women who literally don’t interact with men their entire day? Was the main woman supposed to be married? Because she wasn’t employed, and so how is her family paid for? And if she’s married, why didn’t she call her husband as her partner to get some kind of moral support?
Some little things that bothered me are as follows:
1) Everyone that imposed upon her seemed disorganized/last minute/unconcerned by the imposition.
The Dr. appointment lady didn’t even call before showing up unannounced with her kid present. Supposedly she already tried a few other people. Has she really been going house to house with her daughter listening to why nobody wants to babysit her??? Is that fair to the daughter or the people she is asking?
The working sister texts to meet for lunch without notice or consideration and the Mom even supplies the lunch???
The RS compassionate service coordinator called to schedule a food delivery for a family with a new baby …that same day???
2) The Mom minimizes the imposition.
This struck me most on the lady with the Dr. appointment. It was apparent to me that the Mom was getting ready to leave the house. She even asks if the lady had tried others because (we know) she already has a busy schedule. Then when she accepts the babysitting job she says something to the effect of “we were just going to hang out around the house anyway so this works out perfect.” Either I am misreading this scene or the Mom actually LIED in order to minimize the imposition. Why would she need to pretend that she had nothing else to do but wait around for last minute crisis people to drop their problems on her?
The mom also does this when her working sister thanks her for the lunch. She says something about it being no trouble at all – just yesterday’s leftovers.
I try hard to avoid the urge to say “no problem” especially when I am not totally comfortable with the assistance I am giving. If a ward member calls because they need me to put gas in their vehicle – I will probably help them get through to payday. If they say “sorry to disturb you” I may say, “I understand.” This makes the conversation a little awkward but I am very much against dismissing my time and effort.
This is a matter close to my heart because DW is a SAHM. People are often asking her to watch their kids. Our town has a big annual rodeo. School lets out for a week, Main Street is closed to car traffic for venders/shows, a full carnival, etc. Another LDS Mother called the day before it starts and says that her regular child care provider never babysits during rodeo and asks DW to watch her toddler for 8 hrs a day for the entire week (as a side note, it sounds like this mom had ample notice that she would need to make alternate arrangements.) Our family looks forward to this event all year and we have a busy schedule planned. DW knows quite a few people and offers to help refer this working mom but asks how much she can afford. The mom tells how much she usually pays for child care and then says, “I guess, I could pay you that if you want.” What??? You were asking my wife to do full-time babysitting for 5 days during the biggest event of the year and you were not even expecting to pay her???
👿 Another tactic that I recommend in dealing with people asking for help is to offer the type of assistance that you are comfortable giving. In this case DW actually contacted several individuals that do childcare and asked them if they had any openings for the week and if they could accept the pay rate. Another potential solution could be to offer to babysit for one of the days but not the whole week. I might say, “My week is booked pretty solid, I might be able to juggle some things around and watch your boy for Monday if that would work for you” (notice that I inserted a subtle reminder that even babysitting for the one day is still an imposition) This way you do not turn the person away cold but neither do you get left holding the bag all by yourself.
We later heard that this working Mom did not call the referrals but instead continued down the list of LDS SAHM’s until another young mom said yes. DW felt very conflicted and guilty about this. The mom that ended up babysitting already has her hands full with 3 young ones of her own. All the stuff we had planned was fun stuff… go to the rodeo, see the shows, ride the carnival rides etc. Is it ok to turn down someone in need because you are too busy having family fun? What if the person that ends up rendering assistance is in an even worse position to help than you were?
Welcome to giving service Roy. 
But seriously,
Quote:The RS compassionate service coordinator called to schedule a food delivery for a family with a new baby …that same day???
This is a pet peeve of mine. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve received a call from the missionaries… “We need someone to go on exchanges with us, our appointment is in 25 minutes.” I. Kid. You. Not.
At least half of all service requests I receive are made with less than 24 hours notice. Another issue in that same vein… you agree to provide a service but the terms change out from under you at the last second. I was committed to be at church at 6:00 PM to do something, I get a call at noon that day asking if I can switch things to 4:30 PM.
We are an extremely inconsiderate people when it comes to soliciting service. To cut to the quick, I think that a lot of our problems are related to having developed a sense of entitlement to the service of others.
Quote:All the stuff we had planned was fun stuff… go to the rodeo, see the shows, ride the carnival rides etc. Is it ok to turn down someone in need because you are too busy having family fun? What if the person that ends up rendering assistance is in an even worse position to help than you were?
[img]http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s–qzRYa-oT–/tofienigsbx64fzktjke.jpg [/img] Let the guilt flow through you.
I only joke because I’ve been there, heck I am there. IMO family rodeo time can be a very real need. All work and no play…
Hawkgrrl – Major applause :clap: on the Chieko quote, not just because she is my favorite but because I heard Claudia Bushman use the same logic this weekend. Just say no. Not rudely, but say – “Not this time.”, or “I can do this but not this, will that help?” And then no guilt.That message was on Saturday, on Sunday our visiting High Councilman talked on being Christ Disciples by Jeffrey Holland, it was full of guilt. The High Councilor even tooted his own horn about having to fulfill extra service at the last minute because it’s what good LDS people do. Telling how he and his wife were looking forward to not being Trek parents because all of their kids were grown, but funny thing, while they were at Stake Temple night Brother So and So came up and asked, so guess what, they are going on Trek. And last week this good man has to do a second week of service at a nearby location because there was unfinished work. It wasn’t convenient but he did it. If I hadn’t been sitting on the back row of the cultural hall I might have stomped up and punched him. To keep myself calm I just scribbled Just Say No over and over again on my program. Thank heavens they give you paper for Sacrament Meeting.
Hawkgirl, I second Mom3! Standing ovation! :clap: :clap: :clap: Roy, I am absolutely aghast at what that mother needing childcare pulled off! I don’t think I could have kept my mouth shut from speaking it to her either. Your wife is probably a much better woman than I am!
My husband and I watched the video together tonight. It was hard to sit through it a second time. I brought up something to him that I had not even thought about until then. I’ve mentioned elsewhere how I feel we need our unique RS curriculum back. As a new convert, those lessons and the contributing comments from the sisters greatly impacted me. I learned much about being a mother and running a home from those lessons. Not the teamwork my husband and I perform together so much….we have learned that on our own, together. But I can remember specific lessons and comments and some of those centered around making your children responsible for their own stuff and yes, being able to say no. We no longer have that curriculum suited just to the females in the church. Our younger sisters do not have these lessons! We need our own curriculum back pronto! This younger generation coming up are going to be vulnerable! Hopefully, their mothers will teach them to apply boundaries, as I have done with my daughters, but new converts still have a need here too!
One other thing….I am not big on reinforcing people to be needy inconsiderate, etc. I like Roy’s idea of not being so easy going about last minute impositions or taken for granted assistance.
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