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Hello StayLDS.com! Like so many others here at this site I too have been lingering in the shadows – taking support from the conversations as I needed it. I finally decided to join just a few days ago after reading a post that I could identify with. So, here I am and here is my introduction. Unlike so many here I was not raised in the Church. I converted on my own 8 years ago. I had been raised in a nominally Christian family – though we attended church infrequently. In my later teen years I began to search for “truth” on my own. I eventually identified with the Pentecostal faith and had some wonderful experiences that have remained with me all these years. However, as I grew up, joined the military and was exposed to more of the world I encountered literature that brought doubt to my once solid faith. The first to go was an absolute trust in the infallibility of the Bible. From there it was just a matter of time before basic Christian doctrines eroded. I stopped going to church and eventually identified myself as agnostic.
I have always had a fascination with religion so I continued reading spiritual/religious books. Whether doctrine, history, etc., it was all intriguing to me. During this time I longed for something more. I studied many of the denominations but each seemed to lack one element or another – the Church of Christ believes baptism is essential for salvation while Baptists teach it’s merely an outward symbol of an inward commitment. Finally, in 2002 I picked up a biography about Joseph Smith – authored by a non-member who was writing from a historical view point (neither pro nor con). I’ll admit that to this day Joseph Smith is an intriguing figure. I was immediately drawn to JS’s desire to know truth – which of these churches is right? I was in the same predicament. In January 2003 I contacted the Elders from the LDS Church and started “the lessons.”
Side note – something I forgot to mention earlier. During my Pentecostal years I became an unofficial “anti-Mormon” expert. Yes, I read such infamous books as “The God Makers,” and “Mormonism Exposed.” By the time I reached out to the Elders I was already fairly familiar with LDS doctrine – even if it was from a jaded viewpoint.
January 2003 – I met with the Elders just a few times. In February of that year I deployed to Kuwait/Iraq. While there I was fortunate enough to work with two LDS Chaplains. In looking back I am able to view these Chaplains as opposite ends of the Mormon spectrum (and a great representation of what I see in the Church). One Chaplain was warm hearted, sincerely loved people and Christ. He was humble and truly believed the Gospel. The other was cold and reminded me of a legalistic type individual who was working his way to the Celestial Kingdom – and miserable about every step of the way. Fortunately, most of my encounters were limited to the former Chaplain. During my time with him I read “Jesus the Christ,” – a powerful book that eventually led to my conversion. I wish the Church produced more books like this.
January/February 2004 – I was meeting with the Elders again and was baptized shortly after. I can honestly say I do not know why I joined the Church – only small aspects appealed to me. However, after my baptism I felt spiritually rejuvenated and a purity like I had never experienced. It was wonderful but short lived. Just a few days after my baptism/confirmation, I deployed to Africa for 7 months. During those first few months my home Ward was awesome in writing letters of support – after all, I was a new member of the flock and they knew plenty of wolves would be out! Sure enough I encountered anti-Mormons within days of arriving. I was actually accused of racism by one service member – remember the old ban on blacks and the priesthood? I also had the joy of working with one Chaplain who said “he could not work with a Mormon.” So, fresh into the Church and 6000 miles from any support, I found myself losing faith and eventually turned from the Church altogether.
January 2008 – Four years older and 6 years into the Navy I found myself in Nevada. I decided to make a new start of life and try to go back to Church. I picked up the Book of Mormon and tried to read through it – no luck. For every gem of wisdom I could find there seemed to be more “literary” proof that Joseph Smith authored the book. I put the book down as well as the idea to go back.
July 2010 – Still in Nevada after all this time. I decided to go back to Church. I picked up the Book of Mormon and for the first time ever I could follow the constant change in “characters” and twisting plots. I started journaling my thoughts on the BoM. I started morning and evening prayers. I went back to Church but due to my work schedule I was forced to attend a Ward I was not part of. While the Bishop of this Ward was supportive in certain aspects, it was abundantly clear that for “paperwork purposes” and Ward boundaries I would go nowhere – no Temple, calling, etc. (Oddly I was asked to tithe during this time). Finally in January of this year I was able to attend my own Ward. I met with the Bishop and at first it seemed like I had found my “home” Ward – there was a real effort to become an integral part of the Ward family. In the coming months I discovered (and continue to do so) that while I love the beauty of the restored Gospel – from the BoM to the teachings of Joseph Smith – I find a great divide between following Christ and Church cultural expectations. I must also confess that while I do enjoy fellowship with other Latter Day Saints, I find Sundays to be spiritually draining – I’m sorry but reading three pages from a GA talk given in 1979 is not edifying – its oral plagiarism. Other than taking the Sacrament I find nothing uplifting on Sunday. Having come from a Church that has paid and trained clergy, I feel as though on Sundays I have gone from college level theology classes to 1st Grade Sunday school “feel good” stories. I find myself stuck between believing in the restored teachings of the Church and the shallow spirituality (or lack of) that surrounds me.
I apologize for going on like this. It feels good to vent/share in a safe environment. It’s also nice to know that behind the countless tears on Fast & Testimony Sunday, and ever grinning faces, there are people who do secretly doubt, are intellectually honest and love the Gospel of Christ without the Mormon culture. I look forward to conversing with all of you!
Welcome Olympic400. It’s interesting to hear your story. I look forward to learning from your posts! My kids will tell you that I overuse the word “fascinating” – but this intro really was fascinating. Thanks for de-lurking. I look forward to getting to know you better. Ray says “fascinating” way too much! 😈 And he took the word right out of my mouth. Thank you so much for sharing the story of your journey. It really was fascinating. What an interesting and different connection to Mormonism you have.
There’s so much about your experience we could talk about, and also learn a lot from. I really look forward to more. The best thing I can think of now though is to take from Mormonism what the Spirit prompts you to receive, and of course to give back what you are inspired to give. You really are coming at it from a different direction (which I like).
Fascinating!
I agree with Ray. Your journey is fascinating! Along my own spiritual path, there was a turning point that finally helped heal my relationship with the church insitutionally. It occurred when I started seeing the church as a vehicle designed to help me reach a destination rather than as a destination I was supposed to reach through cultural conformity. There are some great quotes by church leaders that support this view. Even in the recent General Conference, one of the 12 said, in keeping with Paul and others, that love is the ends of the law and the church provides us opportunities to serve and love our neighbors and God.
Deciding to use the church as a tool to help me grow spiritually rather than seeing it as a club whose requirements I had to meet through a long checklist style application allowed me to see the imperfections of the church and members as part of our collective progression through the wilderness and into the pomised land. Ultimately, after all, all churches will be done away except the “church of the firstborn” and we will be simply the sons and daughters of God, joint heirs with Christ.
Hopefully, all that makes some kind of sense… Usually, things sound much better in my head – lol!
Anyway, welcome aboard and peace be the journey!
Welcome aboard. I just arrived here myself after lurking for a time. :wave: mercyngrace wrote:Deciding to use the church as a tool to help me grow spiritually rather than seeing it as a club whose requirements I had to meet through a long checklist style application allowed me to see the imperfections of the church and members as part of our collective progression through the wilderness and into the pomised land. Ultimately, after all, all churches will be done away except the “church of he firstborn” and we will be simply the sons and daughters of God, joint heirs with Christ.
well said! Sometimes progress forward is an internal change in expectations and perceptions. That leaves external realities to still be dealt with, but it helps it to become doable, IMO.Thanks for the hearty welcome. As I said before, I look forward to learning and chatting with all of you.
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