Co-Dependents R’ Us

[Anonymous]

swimordie wrote:

Konvert Kid wrote:

As I understand helping is ok but expecting specific responses is not. Does that sound right???

From my perspective, that’s dead on…

If the mother is being completely honest with herself, she may recognize that she is “pushing” her child for a sense of her own approval, recognition, etc. Rarely are we humans that honest with ourselves. Which gets at the heart of why recognizing and overcoming these co-dependent tendencies is so, so, excruciatingly difficult.

I agree. I think that I set up a mutual co-dependent situation with my spouse over time. He has ADHD and chronic health problems. I wound up being a caregiver and breadwinner for the better part of a year. When I begin to realize I could not do everything, that led me here.

swimordie wrote:

Self-sacrifice, service, care-giving, etc. are all noble and important parts of the joy and happiness we can attain in this life. But, the intention of the person giving is what is key. That same joy and happiness will ultimately be sabotaged if the intention of the self-sacrifice, service, etc. comes with expectations: of approval, of appreciation, of recognition, of reciprocation.

I am learning that if I act in expectation of external approval, external appreciation, or external recognition from my spouse, that does not bring happiness into my life. If I act in expectation of my internal approval and appreciation, or my internal recognition (pat on the back :clap: ), that has meaning and creates an internal personal code of honor. I do chores around the house because I know that a cleaner house will set up the best environment for everyone – I will be happier, and my children will be safer. When I don’t have the resources to do the chores, then I do what I can when I can…

It is also dumb-founding to him when my husband says things/acts in such a way using his approval/appreciation or recognition as bait – and it doesn’t get me to do what he wants me to do. 😆 ( I can’t help it sometimes – I like watching it not work anymore… )

I found this quote at some point, and it has helped me to refine my focus:

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

swimordie wrote:

In a transcendent faith paradigm, this is where the ideal of charity can best be experienced, explored and enacted. Charity out of love. Not for obedience. Not for exchange. Just from unconditional love. Anonymous charity would often feel this way. There is typically no chance for reciprocity. It’s just pure love.

I love anonymous charity. I love helping others to be in a better place. Sometimes all I can do is love people, and that is enough.

swimordie wrote:

Of course, that’s not possible in most situations in every day life but that type of mentality is attainable. In a marital relationship, it’s the opposite of score-keeping.

I work on this.

swimordie wrote:

It may be important to recognize, without being resentful, that a TBM spouse is pushing back as much or more because of their own image. It really has nothing to do with us. It’s just made to feel like it’s us because we’re the one’s that are changing the unspoken agreement. But, ultimately, it’s a them thing. Again, we don’t have to be resentful for their issues, but we should recognize it for what it is. Not make it about us, even if they’re trying to make it about us. That’s just the system talking. It’s abstract but, it is what it is.

Whenever expectations are unmet this can happen. It can take time for people to vocalize what the unspoken agreement is, and what their expectations surrounding it are before changing/refining those expectations. I have found that love, respect and communication are the best balm for unmet expectations – with an “I’m sorry” as needed, and repentance applied as needed. Sometimes, it is necessary to wait on the sidelines as the person goes through the stages of grief over their expectations.

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