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Hello, I am really excited and nervous about posting here. I have been following this forum for a while and I want to have a place to get things off my chest.
Background: I was not raised in the LDS faith, I was raised Catholic and had a very loving and positive childhood. I had my first introductions to the Church in High School and then again in college when I dated a less active member. After that, I found my best friend and the love of my life while attending college and she has been the best thing that ever happened to me. I don’t want to give a lot of details but she is the best and she is the reason I joined the Church.
Since joining I have held a lot of Church callings that would indicate I am a “rock”. Mulitple ward and stake callings the last was being Bishop for 5 years. And now I am on a site that is designed to help support me in staying in the Church. I have counseled so may people with this same problem and yet here I am. And of course, I can’t go anywhere because “he was Bishop”. I really hate that stigma, as if I can’t have my doubts or feelings. But I can tell you it is real. People look at you differently and you are always under a microscope. We act like that is wrong and is not the way, but it is.
I don’t want to give away my identity but my faith crisis came at the end of being Bishop. I don’t think it was because of any specific doctrine or history. It was because I was burnt out and my family was burnt out. I tried very hard to balance Church versus family but the Church ALWAYS won. There was always someone needing assistance, counseling, help etc. I would try my best to balance things but it took its toll on myself and my wife. I can honestly say that my blood boils when I hear about having a “meeting”. I have been a part of so many meetings that were absolutely pointless and could have been taken care of with a text or email.
We are very analytical thinkers, which is probably our downfall, we overthink everything. So where are we at? We struggle we some of the doctrine and history like anyone else but we are really struggling with the living allowance and about being asked to do more. I’ll post about that in the correct spot.
Well, that is me. I am a person who should have “more faith” and “know better”, I want to stay LDS but I just need support in doing so. I hope I can find it with all of you.
Welcome — you aren’t the first Bishop to come here. We had one that was currently serving as a Bishop, not yet retired. He didn’t post much but he did indicate he was having issues. I appreciate your post as I’ve been on the radar for Bishop responsibilities several times in my lifetime, and I’ve missed the bullet several times as a result. My wife is also not supportive of me doing it, perhaps because she knows my true feelings and gives negative reports to the leaders who are considering calling me. She’s done it twice now…
Your post makes me thankful that I never had to do it given the aftermath pressure you are facing.
But also take comfort in this — none of us — not one of us, can go to local leaders or anyone in our real life set of church friends and be totally authentic about our concerns. Not and keep our options open for various life events (temple marriages, ordinations), or even our circle of friends intact.
But I empathize with your extra layer of concern. I know firsthand how existing priesthood leaders can be very judgmental of people who used to be SP’s and BP’s. I’ve seen a few have issues and rather than being supportive and inclusive, the back office talk hasn’t been pretty about them. IN other words “they should know better”.
Glad you are here and I hope to hear more about your concerns and issues so you can find a way to be at peace with any concerns while still remaining active. I suspect you have familial expectations too that need to be considered, which is what seems to make things things even more complicated.
Thanks for posting. I struggle with burnout as well, although I haven’t been in the crucible like you have. I think you will get much help here, and I will be paying close attention your and other’s comments, though I don’t know how much I’ll be able to help. Welcome to the forum. You are in good company and you are safe here. As SD pointed out, you are not the first bishop to be here. I can relate to burn out, and I think it’s becoming more of an issue for the church. In a more perfect world (church?) much of what the bishop does would be split up among other leaders (EQP, HPGL, RSP, YM/YWP, HT, VT, etc.). I do think bishops are overburdened and it obviously takes a toll. I have never met a bishop who wasn’t glad it was over.
My advice is standard, although I feel like I haven’t said it in awhile: take it slow, don’t dump all at once, and focus on what you do believe.
I hope to hear more from you, with more specific questions. We do try to do what we say we try to do – help people StayLDS. May you find the peace you seek.
I’m glad you posted. Thanks for sharing your experience. I think burnout sometimes helps us to stop and catch our breath. Then we look around and see a lot of stuff we didn’t have time for or didn’t let ourselves see about the world and those in it because we were so confident and focused on lengthening our stride and keeping pace with others.
Once you do take a break…you realize maybe there is more to religion and God than just more church.
It isn’t necessarily a sign of weakness spiritually. It is sometimes broadening our testimonies to allow greater love into our hearts.
Glad you are here. I look forward to learning from your posts.
I also want to add that burnout was also a major factor in my last suite of problems that led me here — and I see it as a real problem with many of the leaders in my current ward…. Glad you are here. Burnout was a major part of my dissafection. I really wasn’t happy in almost any part of my life and I was following the “script” that was supposed to make me happy. Then I went down the rabbit hole looking for some answers and found some “answers” but not ones the church likes. Start creating some boundaries and saying NO at times. Skip some meetings. It helps me from just walking away from the church and upsetting my wife.
Welcome. I am glad you found us and are participating now. The one thing that has helped me avoid burnout the most is a commitment to the following maxim:
Quote:If they call me, they get me.
Expectations be damned. I am me, and that is who serves in any calling I accept. I do my best, but, even according to the Church leadership, my family comes first. It always will.
If they call me, they get me. If that isn’t enough, they can release me. No hard feelings. I am cool with that.
Old Timer wrote:
Welcome. I am glad you found us and are participating now.The one thing that has helped me avoid burnout the most is a commitment to the following maxim:
Quote:If they call me, they get me.
Expectations be damned. I am me, and that is who serves in any calling I accept. I do my best, but, even according to the Church leadership, my family comes first. It always will.
If they call me, they get me. If that isn’t enough, they can release me. No hard feelings. I am cool with that.
I want to extend what Curt said. Due to burnout and what I felt was an extreme lack of respect for the hours volunteers put into our church, my phrase is:
Quote:If you ask me to do something, you get a response that is best for me — and me includes a reasoned assessment of the impact on everyone around me, including you. If I accept, you get me and all my warts and limitations
About five years ago I was coming off a HPGL calling. I was looking for something to do in the church that would help me apply and extend my leadership ability. Something I felt passionate about. I gave our BP suggestions and he took none of them — instead he gave the worst calling for someone like me who was feeling burned out an used — Seminary teacher. I refused. Recently, I refused five callings before they hit on one that overlapped my passions and commitment sufficiently for me to say “yes”.
Boundaries and Freedom are the unlikely twins when it comes to church service in my view.
51Mag, welcome to our little family. I don’t have alot to add at this time. Keep coming back.
Minyan Man wrote:
51Mag, welcome to our little family. I don’t have alot to add at this time.Keep coming back.
I’m gonna “me too” this. Welcome to the club! It’s a good one. Glad you found us.
Welcome to the group! I can only sympathize. At the time of my FC I was serving as WML and my wife was PP. I do know of former Bishops that basically stopped participating once they were released. The burnout (and possibly other factors like seeing that more corporate inner workings of the church) just seemed to have sucked all the joy from their church experience. My FIL was a bishop and his family still resents how the calling seemed to steal their dad from them.
I agree with what has been said about boundaries but that is easier done in some callings than in others. I can just imagine a new bishop saying – “I will be available on Sundays but not during the week. Any appointments will need to be made for Sunday. Any phone call messages or emails will be responded to on Sunday.” See how far that gets you.
😈 Old Timer wrote:The one thing that has helped me avoid burnout the most is a commitment to the following maxim:
Quote:If they call me, they get me.
Welcome to the site Mag51. Hope you can find what you are looking for here.
Granted this is back when I was more of a TBM but sometimes this is easier said than done. I was varsity scout coach for about 5 years or so and went through a lot of different assistants but 90% of the time if I didn’t show up for the kids, no one would be there. Nobody was reliable. So you have to step up and do what needs to be done otherwise you’re letting the kids down.
I’ve never been bishop (nor ever will be) but I’ve seen how much work it can take and it’s easy to see how you can get burned out.
Between weekly scout/mutual meetings, sunday lessons, camping trips, monthly stake scouting meetings, baptisms for the dead, quorum presidency meetings, young mens presidency meetings, key scouters meetings, court of honors, board of reviews, etc, etc I was just completely done at the end of it.
My father was either bishop or SP my entire childhood and because we lived in a huge stake (geographically) where other branches were 1-6 hours away I never saw him on sunday. Usually he’d have to leave saturday night and come home very late sunday. I can’t help but feel some resentment about that. I don’t blame him because he was doing what he thought was right but the church always seemed to come before family. There needs to be a better balance for bishops and SP’s.
Welcome 51Mag! I enjoyed your introduction and am glad you posted here. Bill Reel was a bishop as well when he went through his faith crisis. I don’t envy your position at all. I’ve never been a bishop (although I have been in a bishopric and I was the son of a bishop), and I share your concerns about balancing church and family responsibilities. We have way too many meetings!
I can definitely relate to burnout, and I think it has been a major factor in my disaffection as well. You’re in good company here. I hope you find it to be a helpful and safe place for you!
We have an occasional visitor in our ward who is our former bishop and very badly treated by a couple of now thankfully inactive members. His wife also played away and they divorced. He is pretty much atheist now as a consequence, he is a really nice guy and I feel very sorry for him. I feel his accusers should have been disciplined or possibly excommunicated for what they visited on him. Another bishop has gone inactive recently. Again factors outside church – trouble at work needing him in the office on Sundays occasionally. I hope he’s okay and not burnt out.
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