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LH – write it downSeriously. I have done it for years, but have recently read where many psychologists/psychiatrist’s encourage writing your thoughts down. Show no mercy. Rage on the page. No grammar or etiquette needed. You may need to write it over and over. One Dr. suggested 20 minutes every day for 2 weeks. Set a timer and blast on the page. Use angry, pissed off, descriptive words. Blame away. Write as if you were shouting.
Then throw it away.
Do it again the next day. Even if you write the exact same things. Let the process have you.
Then watch and feel. Clarity will come. Probably not in a landslide but enough clarity like stepping stones across water.
I can’t speak to the exact outcome. You still may need to disconnect from LDS-ness. But you will be less likely to harm a valued relationship. You may also find something in you you haven’t seen yet.
Try it diligently for 2 weeks. Write all the angry Mormon crap you want. Vent all the hurt. Cry while you write. Let your hand shake.
Just don’t speak to anyone about it (you can still share here).
You’ve waited this long. Give the 2 weeks a try.
If you need write it in letter form, even addressing it to your wife/bishop/family. Just don’t send it or give it. Shred it and throw it out.
Absolutely come out a bit on your own. Absolutely. Just don’t word vomit on people whom it will hurt. I LOVE mom3’s advice. Let it ALL out on paper. Purge it all. Get it out.
Suppressing bad stuff never fixes anything. It only makes the inevitable explosion that much worse.
I agree with what Ray says about the there being a difference in being honest and transparent. Nobody is totally open about anything. We all have our inner rooms where there are things only we know and feel, not ever shared with anyone even those who are closest to us. Some of us have many more such “secrets” than others, but we all have them. More practically speaking, most of us are socially adept enough to not tell someone else they’re fat or ugly even if we think they are. All men who like sleeping in their own beds instead of the couch know the answer when their wives ask the question “Does this dress make me look fat?” and the answer is probably not “Yes.” We can be honest and even open without sharing everything. In my own ward/stake I do feel I’m honest and authentic with those around me. They know I see things differently than most of them do and some of them have started to understand what I’m going to call them on (like odd non-scriptural “doctrine” and disrespecting other churches or religions). There’s no need for them to know what I really think about God, the BoM or JS, they know the basics. That said, Mom also makes a good point. There’s also a difference in the above and holding things in. We don’t need to let it all out publicly though. I have my own way of letting the stuff out, but I like Mom’s suggestion.
Thanks Mom. I have already done quite a bit of that in the weeks of writing up what to tell my wife. Good advice. I think the process does help. Thanks Ray And I can tell you guys that you see the angry part of me when it pops it’s head out now and then. I am not angry, I am just not feeling like I want to pretend to be a TBM – which is how about 95% of the people in the ward, stake, and my family see me. I actually want to be clear with all of them that I support them in their faith and I don’t hold them in low esteme – and I hope they can do the same for me. I think I am fighting being labeled an angry exmo. I feel that is so much not where I am at.
But once again I will work on it a bit and come back with more consolidate thoughts. I already feel I have hijacked this thread to talk about
ME! Apologies to Always Thinking. I do appreciate all of your opinions and I am sure there are lurkers on this forum that gain something from those of us that consume most of the text on this board. I feel like there are different extremes. 1) where we are rudely in your face honest about everything and 2) where we are living a lie and hiding in the closet.
Neither of these extremes are healthy. Somewhere in the middle is a better way. For me personally, I just take church less personally/seriously and more academically. I recognize that there is no one “right way” to be a Mormon. I express myself without challenging anyone else.
Quote:I already feel I have hijacked this thread to talk about ME! Apologies to Always Thinking.
Always Thinking and Looking Hard – I see you as having the same struggle. It is one everyone of has/had (depending on the day and situation). As an admin, I don’t see LH has hijacking the thread. The topics are the same. How do we share or work with others and express what is important to us.
And yes, lurkers watch these threads especially.
I am glad they come up. Even if our approaches are different this is a key part of the growth and rebuilding for everyone.
mom3 wrote:Quote:I already feel I have hijacked this thread to talk about ME! Apologies to Always Thinking.
Always Thinking and Looking Hard – I see you as having the same struggle. It is one everyone of has/had (depending on the day and situation). As an admin, I don’t see LH has hijacking the thread. The topics are the same. How do we share or work with others and express what is important to us.
And yes, lurkers watch these threads especially.
I am glad they come up. Even if our approaches are different this is a key part of the growth and rebuilding for everyone.
:thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: Great advice here! A couple of observations from my own journey:
1) While processing I wanted to vent and purge and talk Mormonism all the time…all the time. As I have moved past that phase into a healthier and more peaceful co-existence with Mormonism I am glad I didn’t post a coming out letter or have a sit down with my leadership. I have moved into a much more live and let live phase.
2) I am not out with parents yet, but I know that conversation is coming because I am currently on sabbatical, which I think will turn into an indefinite hiatus. I still hang out with Mormons, have lunch with friends. I don’t ever bring up church anymore. I have been asked a few times, “What’s your calling now?” by a few friends. And inevitably they want to understand why I haven’t had a calling for 6 months after being on the High Council and I simply respond: “I’m on sabbatical”. If they want more I simply shrug my shoulders and say: “It’s not really working for me right now.” If anyone wants more information after that I’m happy to discuss, but nobody has really wanted to get any further down the discussion path. I have found that to be a pretty good approach. Sometimes I want people to ask about my church attendance so I can tell them I am on sabbatical so I can air it out, but I don’t push it because I realize that’s about me and not anyone else.
Per your desire to live more authentically, if you want to dress differently or just live as you want, just do it. Don’t worry about what other people will think. Have a smile ready in case you see anyone, have kind words ready, a compliment, ask them about their kids or whatever. People may judge you, may not want to talk to anymore or be your friend, but that means they weren’t really a true friend to begin with. If it’s family you are worried about that adds another element, and you will have to judge what approach might be best.
Anyway, all the best on the journey.
Always Thinking – I identify with the emotion of your comments about garments and will just stick to that. You seem to care a LOT, as did I, about how others view you, and accept a definition of “temple-worthy” completely outside yourself. Very much depends on your specifics, your husband, your bishop, how nosy and judgmental your MIL/friends/etc. are, but all I can say is that my life got so much happier when I decided that garment-wearing is my own business.I don’t say this to push you to violate your conscience. I just know that what was operating in me wasn’t really my conscience. It was passivity and fear. If you don’t feel comfortable talking about specifics in the thread, feel free to message me. Good luck. Some women don’t give garments a thought; some women feel their femininity draining out of them the minute they go on. I was closer to the second extreme. I like where I am now. I don’t resent them when I do wear them because it’s really my choice. My thinking about them is kinder.
SunbeltRed wrote:1) While processing I wanted to vent and purge and talk Mormonism all the time…all the time.
As I have moved past that phase into a healthier and more peaceful co-existence with Mormonism I am glad I didn’t post a coming out letter or have a sit down with my leadership.I have moved into a much more live and let live phase. This part resonated with me, particularly the highlighted part. I recognize SBR has taken a different route than I have and that he is in a different place, nevertheless in this respect we are very much in the same place.
SilentDawning wrote:But with the spouse, that is the problem. Coming out can really hurt your marriage in the long run
For me, the marriage is more important than the discomfort of being compliant or outwardly observant. So, I don’t give honest, blunt expressions about my church problems to my wife. It upsets her, but she is OK if I go to church, do my calling and try to be supportive. So, I don’t talk about it with her.
The irony is that my husband is now TBM (including being more devout), and I am… more authentic? more thoughtful? Life gets interesting now because I know that he can’t share my questions or understand where I am coming from in my thoughts – not that he doesn’t want to, I just know it doesn’t make sense to him.
SilentDawning wrote:Also, the leaders who interview for TR’s don’t have this massive discernment they sometimes claim. I think all they have is their empathy (and many lack it entirely) to read emotions. So, if you are relaxed and not obviously shaken in answering “yes” to questions about belief you should be fine.
Also, I think many leaders would like to be spared opening a can of worms when you are nakedly blunt about your feelings. They might feel they have to take your TR away simply due to your wording or the rawness of your feelings right now, but if they knew you felt that way, but answered Yes to the TR questions, might be relieved they didn’t have to open that can of worms.
I agree. It actually made me feel a little better to read this in black and white.
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