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After a fair amount of thought and prayer, ending with a night at the temple grounds, I feel that coming out to my new ward that I’m bisexual is something that I should do. It will be the start of a new semester at a new ward. I’m out to my immediate family. I was thinking of doing it as part of a testimony on fast sunday, and am wondering if any of you might have some words of advice.
A female married friend of mine was just talking about this same thing. My question for her was this: Do you want to talk about your bisexuality or do you want to act on it? If you just want to talk about it, save that talk for fantasy time with your husband. If you want to act on it, then put it a little further out there in the public. What is your goal of a public announcement in a new ward? How will a fast and testimony declaration accomplish that goal? I have noticed that when people announce big things in a public setting, there is no way to take back those words. Although you can control how your words are spoken, you cannot control how they are recieved by that audience. The bigger the setting, the less control you have over how your words are received. Communication is a combination of what is said and what is recieved by the listener. You only get to control half of that dynamic.
Also .. Look at your old ward. Look at how you fit into that ward dynamic. Sometimes, people move from one social group to another but they re-create their social position within the new social group to mirror their previous position. You can watch a kid who was identified as the “bullied kid”. Move him into a new social group and you can watch him do things to push and provoke the new group to bully him — even when that isn’t their natural inclination.
You are going into a brand new ward. A new beginning. Make sure you are not re-creating a dynamic that was not positive for you.
BTW .. I don’t think prayer on the temple grounds is any higher quality prayer than anywhere else. Don’t use prayer as an excuse to do something you will regret.
First of all, I’ll preface this by saying it’s really not my place to try and tell someone how they should or shouldn’t come out. That’s very personal and up to you. Above all, I think it’s important that you do this on your own terms with lots of consideration for what you want and what it will mean for your life, and it sounds like that’s what you’re doing. With that said, I would strongly advise you not to come out to your ward during fast and testimony meeting. I’m not advising you against coming out to your ward in general, per say, but I don’t think that fast and testimony meeting is the right place. I strongly suspect this setting will undermine some of the positive aspects of coming out for you (in regards to how other people respond to it—although I don’t know if you care about this) and you will lose control of your narrative. If you feel strongly that you need to come out to ward members, there are other ways to do so.
With that said, again, again, I realize it’s not my place to tell someone how they should or shouldn’t come out. AP raises some good questions, although I should say here that I can see why you would want to come out, and if that is important to you, I am not advising against that. What I’m advising against is doing it as part of a testimony, but again, this is up to you.
I agree with the other two. What is the purpose of making a big announcement in F&TM? I’m not opposed to you coming out, but perhaps doing so in a less flashy setting would be more beneficial – perhaps more one-on-one or small group with people you know. And never underestimate leadership roulette. Even though your bishop might publicly seem accepting, he might one-on-one with you have a very different attitude, and there can be great extremes either way. My two cents is that little good will come of making a public announcement such as this, especially in a place like BYU. Were you in a YSA ward in LA, Boston, or Chicago I would think differently and would have less reservations – but BYU is far from (and far from being like) any of those places. Yeah, I don’t think prayer on temple grounds is extra special either. I don’t want to act on my bisexuality, just to talk about it.
I was thinking about mentioning it in a F&TM message, not making it the focus. I agree that going up and making an announcement would be flashy, I don’t really want that. But at the same time, I want to be out. And I’ve found opportunities to come out to people tend to not happen organically. Testimony meeting seemed to be the chance that I have the most control over, and I thought having it be a minor part of an actual testimony could help reduce the flashiness. What other routes would you take instead of F&TM?
Unfortunately you don’t have the luxury of knowing who the key gossipers in your ward are because of its transient nature. If I want something to quickly become known in my ward I know the key people to tell. Were I you I would still eschew any form of public announcement – what you consider “minor” might not be minor in others’ views (which could have particular impact of some of those others happen to be in leadership positions). Are you a BYU student? Could you possibly be putting your ecclesiastical endorsement at risk? I personally don’t advise sharing something like that over the pulpit. If you feel strongly that you need to let people in your ward know, I would do it on a more individual or small group level. Ultimately, this is your choice, however, so God bless you whatever path you decide to take. Just don’t hold it against people who react differently than you hope they will.
I’m torn on this one. When the POX came out (Nov. 5 policy – Policy of Exclusion – name coined elsewhere, not sure where), our GD teacher started down the path of “We may not like it, but we are all on board, right?” and I resolutely raised my hand and said I was not on board, and that the rollout was badly done, and that it was harmful to real people I know, many of whom were only affected because their leaders had originally encouraged a gay person to marry a heterosexual as a way to “cure” their attractions. Two other sisters in the room did likewise. That then opened the door for a few ward members to share that they were directly caught in the cross-hairs of this policy. One was in a joint custody situation with his ex-wife who is now a married lesbian, and they were waiting to find out if their 8 year old can be baptized or not. Another was an older gentleman with an adult son who is gay married. He wept while he talked about this policy wounding his relationship with his son whom he loves. These people would have just been sitting there in the class feeling their hearts battered by the assent of class members stating that they were on board with any policy the church could come up with no matter who was hurt by it, but because we spoke up, they could also speak up which quieted the majority who normally get to say whatever they want with no thought for who is affected. These victims of the policy, for once, weren’t forced by social pressure to stay silent.
I know that’s the nature of coming out, making it so people do have to think twice about what they do and say. They can’t just assume that everyone in the room agrees or is the same. People who aren’t affected somehow have the idea that they have as much right to opine on what impacts other people as the impacted people do. Let’s listen to those who are impacted for a change!
I think there is a way to say it in F&T meeting that’s not a big deal. I’m not sure you will have any problem if you don’t intend to act on it. I think most people who accept that bisexuality exists (I’m sure there are some who still think it’s just rampant promiscuity) figure you can just marry heterosexually and therefore you’ll be fine gospel-wise. But letting people know that you exist has value for those in the congregation who likewise aren’t simply heterosexual.
Well said, Hawk. Very well said. Felt deep emotion from Hawk’s statements. My feeling is this — don’t come out to the Ward. Not in sacramement meeting or in small groups or to individuals. You haven’t shared your reasons, but I believe the widespread judgmentalism, the potential loss of your ecclesiastical endorsement, and misunderstandings about your intent to act on it (or not) will only make it harder for you to StayLDS. If this were not a StayLDS board, I may say “go for it and then leave”, but that is not the mission of the site, nor is it what I think is necessarily best in this situation.
Also, nowhere are we required to share our sexual preferences in TR interviews or anywhere else. So if we do so, it’s for some personal benefit or reason. In this situation, I see nothing but hardship for you.
If you do want to share your orientation, I would do it only in safe circles where the amount of peace in your life will increase. I can talk about how I really feel about the church here, without censure usually. It’s a good place to be contrarion. Do that in my home ward and all kinds of problems jump out of Pandora’s box. No one here knows my Bishop and so my secret is safe with them…
Have you tried developing a circle of non-member friends who might accept this a lot easier? Where you can be completely yourself and enjoy it there? We are never authentic in all situations anyway, no matter what our sexual orientation is…
My thoughts are along the line of Hawk’s. I feel strongly about coming out for that reason. I really noticed in my last ward how people think of LGBTs rather abstractly, that we’re something out there that’s “bad” but not actually real people. I don’t mind too much if the ward decides to socially close its doors to me. I don’t go to church for social reasons. I can find friends elsewhere. My ecclesiastical endorsement should not be at risk, even if they decide to investigate. The honor code does not forbid being LGBT. It prohibits homosexual relationships and expression of homosexual affection.
Ydeve: FWIW, I have found that as people find out about such things, it doesn’t change what they say or act. They are not any more careful with their words. They are not more tender or kinder or less judgemental in any way. They remain themselves with all judgements still intact.
A story:
When I was at BYU a very long time ago, I had a 2 bedroom apartment with 3 other girls. The 2 girls who shared the other bedroom had the two twin beds pushed together and made up as a king. One worked and supported them. The other went to school and kept up with their chores. They acted like a couple — down to nightly backrubs while watching TV. They snuggled. They also dated men. One got engaged and then married. The other was annoyed. They fit the model of Lesbian Until Graduation. Their preferences were never discussed. The other 2 of us in the apartment felt that the less we knew, the safer it was for all of us .. And it wasn’t our business.
Thinking about you and housing, do you think you could have roommate problems if you announce your bisexual status?
I wish that many more of us would be as willing to be open about our own struggles and weaknesses. I am grateful for the few members I have known, who even though they identify as homosexual, are active in the Church, and try their very best to adhere to church standards. Many of them can’t marry; or if they do, it is filled with its own unique challenges. I would recommend against coming out over the pulpit. If you do, I’d be very careful in the way you present it. What you intend, and how it is interpreted can be VERY different. It could likely be interpreted as:
-A cry for attention
-Asking for tolerance for your own sins
-Justification
Keep in mind, I don’t believe any of that is true in the slightest. But you’ll be fighting these two psychological principles:
-Confirmation Bias: The tendency to interpret new evidence as confirmation of one’s existing beliefs.
-Cognitive Dissonance: The discomfort of having two incompatible beliefs; usually resolved by reinterpreting facts so that both beliefs may be maintained.
God has blessed you with Bisexuality, and so you must use it as EFFECTIVELY as possible, to accomplish the most good. If members start shutting you out, you can’t bless them. Here is what I’d recommend:
1. Start with someone else’s story. Quote other people. Focus on those who remained faithful, despite their “thorn in the flesh”. Maybe use Paul’s story from 2 Cor 12:7-10. Baring your own testimony is only a single witness. Baring someone else’s is two. (Notice how often apostles quote others)
2. Take the focus away from yourself. If you mention your bisexuality, segway it into how it has helped you to have greater empathy and compassion on others with their
ownstruggles. Focus on others. 3. Don’t lecture, condemn, or bring down anyone else, no matter what. Show gratitude to your family for their support. Publically acknowledge how much love you’ve been shown from the friends you’ve come out to. Even if it isn’t true, pretend as if they have already responded and acted in the best possible way.
People will conform to how you think of them.
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