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I have been struggling. We have lived in this ward for slightly over two years. Since moving into this ward we have tried and unsuccessfully made zero friends in our ward. Our closest family members live four hours away. I have seen our ward do great things for many families within the ward, however, they seem to pick and choose who they will and are willing to serve. I wish it was just my family that felt this way, but it’s not. My husband has been an executive secretary, 2nd counselor YM, and 11 yr old scouts now in this ward. He travels for almost 25 percent of his job. It’s been rough. The brethren don’t seem to understand that sometimes my husband needs to tend to things at home.
I don’t feel the need to air my dirty laundry at church. I have had clinical depression that started after the birth of my last (18 months ago). It flows back and forth between functioning and semi functioning (aka my kids are alive, fed, dressed – that’s it). I was asked to work in the nursery. I don’t care for kids but love mine. Basically my experience has been ” we don’t care who you are as long as you are taking care of my kid for the next two hours.”
I have seriously needed help twice in the last two years, once when I was experiencing norovirus (thanks kids!) and one other time. I called and called to find some help and there was no one. Come to find out I had no visiting teacher and a home teacher that has never once said hi in the hall or visited us at our home.
I can’t help take care of others when I can barely take care of myself or my family. I’m at a lost.
I had a serious blow up at church on Sunday (crying, anger, the works) and went home because I just couldn’t be there. I don’t know if I ever want to go back.
My husband is in/out of a faith crisis himself. My kids LOVE church (6,4, and 18 months). And now that I’ve been released I don’t even feel comfortable with my 18 month old being in nursery due to one of the workers in there.
I have a few suggestions. I have been in Wards like that. Some just don’t accept you. Others are full of love and welcome you. 1. My wife and I had a new family over for dinner once a week. With your depression you may not be able to manage it, but if you feel you can do that, perhaps try it.
2. We planned Mommy/Kids dates at our house with tons of the Moms. Perhaps you could try a couple of those. This might break the ice…I find that being proactive can trigger reciprocity and you might get to know people on a better basis.
3. For the depression, have you seen a doctor about some medication? I had to take it a couple times in my lifetime and it really helped. It might help you.
4. Cancel any expectations of the church members behaving a certain way.
5. Don’t be afraid to look at the larger community for the community you seek. Try going to meetup.com and finding groups that match your interests. These are people who WANT socialization, and its free to join. There are likely a ton of groups in your area you could join.
6. Regarding the local leadership not understanding — fooey on them — just set your boundaries and live your life. The church is famous for placing expectations on us — keep that at bay and set the boundaries YOU need. If the leaders don’t understand the need for home life, then tell them you need it, and let them deal with it.
Those are my suggestions…I have an inkling of how you might feel as I don’t feel much community at church any longer either, but for different reasons.
SD
Sadly, there are wards like yours. I once lived in one where if you were not a native of the area and/or connected to the family clans of the ward (some of who warred with each other) you were just never accepted or included and were an outsider even after living there for years. My previous SP, who had a special needs child which required round the clock care, confided in he that he, too, had encountered wards where his family didn’t feel welcome and cared about. It boggles my mind how these people can consider themselves Christian, much less part of the true church. I like SD’s suggestions, particularly about setting boundaries. Don’t be afraid to say no to a calling or resign from a calling (give them a date). They only have the power over you that you give them. I don’t have much else to offer you. May you find peace.
Thank you for your sincere reply. Last Sunday I met with a member of the bishopric and told them I needed to be released. I tried to be on the kind side of what I was feeling and made it clear that me continuing with the nursery was not an option.
I have a lot of other junk to figure out but I feel some relief towards my spirituality and my testimony.
To the previous suggestions:
– no calling anymore
– medication for the depression : I normally manage it with exercise and diet. Exercise is a huge thing for me and in most circumstances makes it manageable.
– I have a few weeks that I already know I won’t be in the area and can take a break from my ward.
– we have invited multiple families over for dinner and only have had one take us up on it, sadly. We’ve also invite a ton of people over to play board games, still only one family has taken us up on it.
SilentDawning – It’s comforting and saddening to know that others feel my pain as well. I wish it wasn’t an issue.
Mordimor wrote:SilentDawning – It’s comforting and saddening to know that others feel my pain as well. I wish it wasn’t an issue.
Sounds like you have a lot of these issues addressed. I have one suggestion — try getting to know people in casual conversation at church and find out their interests. For example, if someone asked me to come over and play board games for pure social reasons I would probably not want to go because I find it boring.
But if they chatted me up and found our family likes music, swimming, biking, family outings to wildlife areas, going to unique restaurants, cake decorating, boomerangs, slingshots, water balloon launchers, yard games, etcetera, and then invited me and my family to something that fell into those arenas, I’d be all for it.
One thing we did that drew a TON of people was a cake decorating contest. My wife and my son against myself and my daughter. We called it a “cake-off”, where we invited a ton of families over after church to judge the cakes we made and call a winner. Missionaries, other families we didn’t now that well — they all came over to eat the cake and judge. It was easy to do because the competition was within our family, so there was no extra-family organization. We just invited everyone at church and it was a lot of fun.
The other thing another family did was a night when everyone goes over to their house and watches music videos from an international music contest, and we all vote and declare a winner. This has now grown to a full weekend when everyone watches the semi-finals. So many people got involved that they rent a house and people stay the night in this 5-bedroom house with a pool, big family room, etcetera. Not that you are thinking that big, but if you can come up with something that overlaps with people’s interests that might increase your success rate with invitations.
Good luck
So sorry for what you are going through. It sucks. We’ve been there in wards too where it is very ‘cliquey’ . These cliques are hard to break, so we found other people like us that were on the fringe or not part of it and friendshipped them. SilentDawning wrote:5. Don’t be afraid to look at the larger community for the community you seek. Try going to meetup.com and finding groups that match your interests. These are people who WANT socialization, and its free to join. There are likely a ton of groups in your area you could join.
From the ages of your children, I recommend that you look into the MOPs (Mothers of Preschoolers) organization. It was a life saver for my wife during those years. She still goes out to movie nights with some of the ladies that she met there years ago.
It’s actually a bit liberating to interact with people without Mormon culture hanging over your head. One one hand, KNOWING the values of the average LDS person helps you avoid saying the wrong thing, and therefore, provides a level of comfort, but interacting with people without any of the Mormon shoulds in the community can also be liberating.
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