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I have decided its time to discuss the idea of our own family value system with my wife. One that we actively teach and exemplify. I know the church has one, but my heart tells me it is time for our own — from the ground up, but influenced by church family values for initial examination. A value system that I believe in more strongly than the church system, purged of its unhealthy biases (I know church values work for some people, but to me, there are many negative values in the church’s family value system I have already been weeding out of my own family’s value system). I would like to start a discussion about the components of a family value system here. Here is my list of broad categories
Character: Moral virtues of the individual
Financial: This includes managing personal resources and finding a suitable career.
Family Relationships and Obligations: What we should expect from each other, at a high level.
Community: This refers to our relationship and obligations with community and society.
Would you add, subtract, merge, or expand categories? I would like to think broadly at this point — at a very high, conceptual level rather than at the detail level.
At one point we had a list of a dozen or more house rules. We had scriptural support and a listed consequence for violating each one. The concept sounded good. We wanted to tie the arbitrary rules back to a more solid foundation. We had had a family home evening to discuss the consequences so they were agreed to in advance.
I found that there were too many rules for anyone to remember. I found myself taking the child back to the rule board and trying to see what the infraction might best fit under and then meeting out the listed consequence. But if I couldn’t be sure what rule had been violated – I didn’t think that the child could know either.
We now have three principles. 1) Use manners, 2) Talk nicely, 3) Treat others as you want to be treated.
I have considered adding a 4th of Give Respect to yourself and others.
When questioned, both I and the child know what principle was violated without having to refer to a chart. Though not expansive – this is what works for my small family at this time.
Those look like pretty good categories to me. Would you want to add personal health in there somewhere? I am not sure what harmful values you believe the church teaches but I can guess it might be for example, the extremes some members express about living the law of chastity and the unnecessary guilt it can cause. One value I try to teach is to work hard the things that we need and want but to really want the things that we have. I try hard not to get things just for the sake of owning something just so that that I have it but seldom use it. I also like the idea of having fun everyday. Another idea I try to teach is to never ask others to do something that I would not be willing to do myself. Be safe Be respectful
Be responsible
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* Look after other people, but learn to discern when people are using you, or don’t want your help. * Respect other’s belief systems, even when some aspects appear stupid/weird to you.
* Drink and drugs aren’t worth it. And many presciption drugs are dodgy too.
* Politeness goes a long way, but sometimes you must stand your ground too. Humility is not being weak.
* Physical abuse is never acceptable. Bullying is bad as well.
* Accept all people are imperfect, and none shall get perfection in this life.
* Attitude of gratitude – for kindness, for love, for what God and the universe gives you.
I think this is great to have your own family values separate from the church. I don’t have a list set up like you are working on (maybe I should do that to keep track), but I do have things that I try to teach my children that are important to me. These include really basic things like kindness, respect, hard work, having goals, helping others etc. I feel like our larger society still has many good values that we all share. Of course some people try to glamorize things that most people think are bad (illicit drugs, or cheating on your spouse) but I think there is still a cultural morality that is good. If you watch the news you can get a sense of this. People get outraged by stories of hurting others like crime, and they are happy to hear stories where someone helps a stranger. So a family value system can help you focus on specifics, but you could also show them examples in society where others have these values too so they can see that it isn’t just arbitrary but an agreed upon system of our culture. We have only a few hardcore rules / values we emphasize: Respect other people and yourself.
Act according to your conscience.
Don’t lie to other people in the family.
Don’t yell at each other.
Do what is asked, unless you can explain why you shouldn’t do it.
Time together is important. Nobody will be gone all-day, every day for an extended period of time until they leave home.
The mother of all rules in our house:
Don’t disrespect Mama. Period. The consequences for breaking that rule are severe. (That’s not a sexist rule; there is a very good foundation reason for it.)
Another idea I had is self-reliance. It’s important to me that my kids know how to take care of themselves as early as possible (taking into account physical, emotional, and social needs). There is no reason a ten-year-old shouldn’t know how to scrub a toilet, or a teenager shouldn’t know how to do their own laundry. I think self-reliance is one of the biggest builders of self respect and self esteem. I don’t know if you would count it as part of a system of ethics, but I think it’s important nonetheless. Curtis wrote:Do what is asked, unless you can explain why you shouldn’t do it.
I have a kid who would never do anything if this was a rule at our house! He’s very good at arguing and never runs out of arguments. We’d have to give him a time limit.😆 Yeah, we have two kids like that, as well. – and we think it’s a valid reason.
Should have added that.
:thumbup: I like the idea of adding personal health to the broad categories. But I don’t see these as rules. They are high level values that lead to positive practices in the home, along with “discipline” in the form of correction like some have suggested. This discipline can be rules with consequences, but they also lead to celebrations, to proactive family activities, and to habits. I suppose I’m looking this the same way corporations look at their values. Truly inspiring corporations have values they embed in their day to day life. For example, the Body Shop (soap, lotion, things for your body) believes in being environmentally friendly, so they only source products that are environmentally sustainable or based on renewable resources. This isn’t really about rules and consequences, its about habits and they way the organization “lives its life”.
Now, I’m not saying corporations and families are direct correlates. They are different in many ways, but I would like to emulate some of the best concepts that DO fit a family from my studies on corporate values and how they can be “brought to life” .
For example, I can be negative sometimes. I have noticed my family are sometimes sort of down about things. I would like to institute a family council where we live the value of POSITIVITY. We come prepared to the meeting to talk about the good things that happened to our family that week. I held one such meeting last week after three of our four family members got hit REALLY hard with problems with school, friends, and work — well above average challenges. I personally was severely hit as were my kids.
This habit of gathering together and talking about the good things that happened, even amidst sorry and tribulation is one way of bringing to life the value of Positivity.
I appreciate the rules you have shared here — I am getting they should be pretty small as a list or you can get lost in them, or find none of them get achieved.
One thing I did years ago on the financial literacy value, was put my daughter on a budget — she kept track of her expenses in Quicken, wrote checks against a credit card that was in our name, but used only for her, and did everything but sign at the cash register. She learned how to budget. Her bank account was virtual — in our quicken software — so we didn’t have the hassle of a separate account. So, in spite of not being old enough to have a credit card, and our lack of willingness to give her a separate account, she had all the experience of budgeting, paying for items in cash and credit card, and building a bank account.
So, I see this as a habit, or a training experience as much as a rule with consequences.
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