Conflicted!

[Anonymous]

Hi All,

For a long time now, my son has been depressed and lacking self-confidence. Because of his aspberger type social skills and health problems he has been rejected in his search for a boyfriend. He was beginning to feel that he was not lovable and that something was seriously wrong with him. He is agnostic and out of the church for a long time now. He asked us if we could chip in some money for counseling to help him work through his problems. We said we would and this is good that he wants help. Well, two weeks ago he really connected well with a gay Chinese guy about his own age (28). For some reason my son has always been attracted to Asian men. Anyway, this guy seems to be a really good person and come from a good family. He is a Research Scientist working on his Phd which he will get in another year and is also working as a research assistant for material research. He is very kind and patient with my son’s problems and it has been so good for our son. This relationship has given our son a new lease on life and its like he has come to life again. My husband has noticed a huge difference when he has talked to him on the phone. He usually sounds so down and unhappy and my husband was so glad that he was acting like the happy Johnathan we used to know.

Well, my son wanted me to get to know his new friend and we started writing each other. I am very impressed with this young man and how caring and unselfish he is in regards to my son. This young man is not ‘out’ about his sexual orientation accept to a few of his closest friends who whole heartedly accept him. Well, this past few days he called his parents in China and told them for the first time about his homosexuality and my son. He is their only child and it did not go over well. His mom told him ‘you are not gay and I have some girls lined up for you.” His dad told him that this is just some phase and to snap out of it. Both parents told him that it would bring shame to the family and they could never tell their neighbors or friends or extended family about this. Well, my son’s new boyfriend was so devestated about this as he loves his parents and wants their approval. I had told this young man about my book and then we discussed how parents feel and what they go through when they find out about their child’s same sex attraction. He was so thankful for my advice and how to handle his parents. I told him to be patient with them and mirror back to them what they are feeling and going through. Then later to share what he has been going through secretly all these years himself. That they needed to understand that he did not chose to have homosexual feelings anymore than we choose to have heterosexual feelings.

I had been praying alot lately that my son would find a good male mentor that could help him journey into manhood and he has been such a late bloomer. Everything this Chinese young man has told me shows that he would like to help my son mature and grow into a confident happy man. Soooo, here is my predecament: On one hand, my husband has a very difficult time with wanting our son in a homosexual relationship. On the other hand, I can see how this relationship might be very helpful to our son in so many ways.

I believe God is working here and using me to help this Chinese man and his family. I have no clue of what the chances are that this relationship would work but I can see benefits of it, even if temporary. So, I am conflicted as to what to say to my son when he asked me recently if his dad would come to his wedding if he married this guy and I know nothing about Chinese culture to advise these parents. Anyone have any ideas?

Bridget

http://www.authorhouse.com/BookStore/ItemDetail.aspx?bookid=12053.

[Anonymous]

I think you are going to have a very hard time “advising” this fellow’s traditional Chinese parents (who actually live in China). Not only will you have an enormous language barrier, but you are talking about a radically different culture and mindset.

For one thing, they don’t even view homosexuality the same. I personally think you will have a harder time convincing them than you would devout LDS or other fundamentalist Christian parents in our own culture. They aren’t even thinking of sin and sex, love and romance, and don’t share our paradigm of western-style individualism.

What commonly happens is that gay men just get married to a woman, like is expected and demanded. They then have sexual relations with other men on the side. It’s almost not even considered “cheating.” There isn’t really a notion of sin in it. Sex is just something people do. It’s like there’s no such thing as “gay.” I’m speaking from my experience having worked closely with Korean soldiers in Korea, and even speaking their language and having had formal training in their culture (a culture that draws heavily from Chinese culture). I don’t know how to explain it any better. It’s just really different than the way we think of it, on a very fundamental level. It’s both more practical and accepting (the reality of it), and less tolerated at the same time. The part that is not tolerated is the rejection of assigned cultural roles, not the sex or affection.

[Anonymous]

Brian, You have given me valuable information that is realistic. The more I have looked into this, the more I realize you are right. Someone today told me about the movie, “Wedding Banquet” by Ang Lee who did ‘Broke Back Mountain. Wedding Banquet shows exactly what you said in comedy form.

[Author]

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